DS's girlfriend is pregnant

[vorladung]

I've name changed

My DS has just turned 20. His girlfriend is 28 and she has an almost 8 yearold son. They've been together for just over a year and half. When they got together I was a bit but I never told DS and I always supported their relationship and supported him helping his girlfriend bring her son up (his biological dad isn't involved). He now lives with her and her son.

Today he came around and told me that she's about 18 weeks pregnant, I was very shocked but I was supportive and he told me he didn't tell me earlier because he needed to get his head around it but now he's happy and so is his girlfriend.

I feel a bit sad as well as he's only 20 and he's already got a family but I'm also proud of him because he's helping to bring up another mans child.

I just feel terrible for being sad as I should be happy for them.

@hertsgirl10 condom doesn't give the same protection. But most importantly how many times it happened in an exclusive relationship where a couple decide to use hormonal contraception and woman just makes her own decision without informing a man to stop taking it to deliberately get pregnant? I personally know a few cases.
In OP's son scenario I suspect it was exactly what happened. He was groomed and trapped after 1 year of relationship at the age of 18.

I would be gutted. Congrats though.

I have a 20 year old son as well OP and I too would feel devastated in this scenario.

Although him being in a relationship with an older woman who is already a Mum of one would have had me thinking she’s probably wanting a second child.

I’d be very surprised if the relationship lasts as your son matures but all you can do is be there for them and the baby ( your grandchild)
On the upside a baby will bring some joy to all of you.

@Briarshollow

I’d be curious to know if this was unplanned, planned by at least one member of this relationship, or if they were both privy to it. The fact that he ‘needed to get his head round it suggested it was unplanned, at least by him.

Why does she only work part time in term time? Is he the breadwinner supporting all three of them in the main?

I wouldn’t be so suspicious of her but I know a woman who got together with a much younger man, he was overwhelmed by her as she’s very beautiful, and within a year she was pregnant with the sibling she wanted for her first child. She was so desperate for that child that she behaved in a very questionable manner in my opinion. She now treats him like shit but that’s a different story.

Thanks for all your replies everyone.

I think it was unplanned as he needed to get his head around it. She only works part time as she needs to finish early and be off in holidays to look after her son. Yes, DS financially supports all 3 of them.

I don't really want to mention a DNA test as I don't want to push him closer to her so I'm trying to be supportive.

I would be devastated too op and find nothing to be excited about. He is 20 barely an adult himself. There's one person who stands to gain here and I would be very upset that a 26yo was dating an 18yo.

Yes, DS financially supports all 3 of them.

That's handy, isn't it.

She saw him coming. What a chancer.

Where I’m from 20 is a perfectly normal age to start having kids. I had my first at 20, he will be fine.

Tell us where you are from and we'll be the judge of that.

Also, define 'fine.' Fine is alive, reasonably healthy, functioning, housed, not starving and not hugely dysfunctional. 'Fine' isn't necessarily happy, fulfilled, successful, self sufficient.

Personally I want my children to aspire to a bit more than 'fine.' I want them to have choices and the opportunities to create whatever future for themselves they are prepared to work to achieve. Becoming a parent and a step parent at 20 doesn't feature anywhere in that scenario.

Condoms are available. Men can already take FULL responsibility.

How many people in long term relationships carry on using condoms even when the woman says she takes the pill/has the DEPO? Hardly any. Just as many men are happy and relieved to ditch condoms so are many women. Besides, if threads on MN are anything to go by, condoms have a HUGE failure rate.

I'm talking about a proper male BC method that is not dependent on the mood in the moment. Like an injection or a temporary and easily reversible vasectomy or a male pill. None will be completely infallible but will certainly be more reliable than condoms.

That would remove the whole 'we don't need condoms, we are in a monogamous relationship and she's on the pill' argument, which all too often leads to blame and recriminations when an unplanned PG occurs and the inevitable arguments when one wants to keep the pregnancy and one doesn't.

@WeAllHaveWings

Not what any parent would wish for their dc, not sure how I would have reacted if my ds told me he was seeing a 27 year old woman with a school aged child when he was just 19.

but if he is happy it is not the end of the world either, hope it works out for you all.

To be fair, when I met my husband I was 19 and he had a school aged child. I'm now doing very well for myself im a professional career. Said child all grown up and lives a stones throw away and is doing well, Husband and I have a child together. So it isnt always doom and gloom when your child gets together with someone who has a child that is school age. But it does depend on the situation

@DansMaPoche

Where I’m from 20 is a perfectly normal age to start having kids. I had my first at 20, he will be fine.

Tell us where you are from and we'll be the judge of that.

Also, define 'fine.' Fine is alive, reasonably healthy, functioning, housed, not starving and not hugely dysfunctional. 'Fine' isn't necessarily happy, fulfilled, successful, self sufficient.

Personally I want my children to aspire to a bit more than 'fine.' I want them to have choices and the opportunities to create whatever future for themselves they are prepared to work to achieve. Becoming a parent and a step parent at 20 doesn't feature anywhere in that scenario.

Condoms are available. Men can already take FULL responsibility.

How many people in long term relationships carry on using condoms even when the woman says she takes the pill/has the DEPO? Hardly any. Just as many men are happy and relieved to ditch condoms so are many women. Besides, if threads on MN are anything to go by, condoms have a HUGE failure rate.

I'm talking about a proper male BC method that is not dependent on the mood in the moment. Like an injection or a temporary and easily reversible vasectomy or a male pill. None will be completely infallible but will certainly be more reliable than condoms.

That would remove the whole 'we don't need condoms, we are in a monogamous relationship and she's on the pill' argument, which all too often leads to blame and recriminations when an unplanned PG occurs and the inevitable arguments when one wants to keep the pregnancy and one doesn't.

Becoming a parent and a step parent at 20 doesn't feature anywhere in that scenario

Wow. Good job my parents didn't have this judgemental attitude.

Step parent when I just turned 19. Still went to uni. Have 3 degrees (2 postgrad). Have the career I always dreamed of. Make well over the national average. On track to pay off my mortgage before I am 40. Have a child of our own now too.

Personally I'm glad I didn't let people's attitudes about being a young step parent put me off my lovey husband who has supported me throughout my career and life choices to get to where I am

So OP you are upset that you have reared a mature, responsible, caring man?, he hasnt cut and run, he has, it seems taken on a family in a wholehearted loving manner, the guy is 20! he is not a kid, he can drive, fight for his country, drink himself daft, marry without your permission, get a passport, get a mortgage, the list goes on, his choice in life may not fit with how you saw his future but there it is, embrace this woman, she will be in your life for a long time now, your son loves her and appears to be fine with bringing up her child, what a nice man!

fwiw, im in my 50s, my parents were very young when they had me, my df still managed a very high flying career despite 2 kids at the age of 21, my dd married at 20, was a mother by 23 and has a fantastic business of her own at 29, unlike me, who had 'fun' in my 20s and a child in my 30s, they all will have their 'fun' in their 40s, with more money to do it with!

NewMumAtLast did your step child live with you full time from the off? Presumably you didn't have your own child very young, hence your user name so I don't think it's quite the same situation.

And how old was your partner when you got together with him?

If he's happy and feels supported then you are a fantastic mum and should be proud of him and you. Not everyone wants to rule the world and being a good parent is the most important thing in the world if you have kids x

@Newmumatlast this is really nice to hear :)

@thebabessavedme

So OP you are upset that you have reared a mature, responsible, caring man?, he hasnt cut and run, he has, it seems taken on a family in a wholehearted loving manner, the guy is 20! he is not a kid, he can drive, fight for his country, drink himself daft, marry without your permission, get a passport, get a mortgage, the list goes on, his choice in life may not fit with how you saw his future but there it is, embrace this woman, she will be in your life for a long time now, your son loves her and appears to be fine with bringing up her child, what a nice man!

fwiw, im in my 50s, my parents were very young when they had me, my df still managed a very high flying career despite 2 kids at the age of 21, my dd married at 20, was a mother by 23 and has a fantastic business of her own at 29, unlike me, who had 'fun' in my 20s and a child in my 30s, they all will have their 'fun' in their 40s, with more money to do it with!

Like I said in my OP, I am proud of him but I'm also upset as he's only 20 and he's already got a family, it's his choice and I dont mind that he isn't going to go to university but I just feel a bit sad that he has to settle down so early and provide for them.

Ewwwww! So your son was only 13 when his now-DP had her son with her son's father? I'm sorry but I could not get past that.
Nor could I get past the fact that when Boris Johnson first got married, his now wife Carrie had not even been born!!!!! 🤢

So OP you are upset that you have reared a mature, responsible, caring man

Oh FFS.

This has predatory, exploitative behaviour all over it; 18 and 26 when got involved ... If the sexes were reversed people's comments would be very different.

He's been too naive to double up contraception.

Op this'll probably all break down in a few years anyway.

People's brains are still developing til around 21. Ops son was barely able to vote when this woman started a relationship with him. If he stayed for a levels he could still have been at school.

I don't know any well adjusted, responsible women with integrity who'd have gotten involved with a teenage boy when they were 26, not a fucking chance.

@DansMaPoche

NewMumAtLast did your step child live with you full time from the off? Presumably you didn't have your own child very young, hence your user name so I don't think it's quite the same situation.

And how old was your partner when you got together with him?

Not full time no. That is a fair comment. I did often have my stepchild on my own though while balancing uni work. Yes it is not a best case scenario to do the juggle but plenty of people do. My comment was due to the negative comment about being a step parent at all. Honestly, I would prefer my husband and step child over all of the career and material stuff I have. So even if I didnt get to have those, which granted I accept would be sad, I still would want them.

I do have a good friend whose did live with her and she has her own successful business now.

My husband was 27. I am not sure though why that is relevant save for similar age to OP's sons partner

I think it was unplanned as he needed to get his head around it. She only works part time as she needs to finish early and be off in holidays to look after her son. Yes, DS financially supports all 3 of them.

I think it was unplanned for him, I suspect she knew what she was doing. Although of course he has to take some responsibility.

I think she wanted a child, didn’t want any more of an age gap than she has, and has found a young man to worship her and provide for her and her existing son. All credit to him for doing it but I would absolutely devastated that that was how his life had gone at the tender age of 20.

These threads always wind up with the women who chose/accidentally had their children young getting extremely defensive about their choices when mothers are honest and say how sad they’d be if their son was saddled with supporting an eight year old step child, an older pregnant girlfriend and another baby on the way.

@MarshmallowAra

People's brains are still developing til around 21. Ops son was barely able to vote when this woman started a relationship with him. If he stayed for a levels he could still have been at school.

I don't know any well adjusted, responsible women with integrity who'd have gotten involved with a teenage boy when they were 26, not a fucking chance.

Again a very judgemental comment. It depends on the people. I was 19 and now husband 27. He is the kindest, most thoughtful person and has more integrity in his little finger than most of the men of 19 I knew at the time. I was a mature 19 and had my shit completely together. I made an active informed choice as a woman - not a girl- and have no regrets at all

[quote An0n0n0n]@Newmumatlast this is really nice to hear :)[/quote]
Thank you

@vorladung

Like I said in my OP, I am proud of him but I'm also upset as he's only 20 and he's already got a family, it's his choice and I dont mind that he isn't going to go to university but I just feel a bit sad that he has to settle down so early and provide for them

I totally get this as I would feel the same but if its his choice perhaps this is what makes him happy and ultimately as parents all we should really want above all else is for our children to live a happy life and be there to support their decisions and also of it goes wrong. He can still be successful- and what is success anyway? Many people would say being an amazing father is in and of itself successful. There are plenty of career driven men who may be considered outwardly successful but are terrible fathers, friends and husbands. It depends on the person.

Also he doesn't actually have to support them all on his own. He is able to make choices about that. She is the mother and also has a responsibility to support her children and he doesn't have to support his step child that is his own decision (though that he does shows he is a lovely man)

Why is he providing for the other child-i mean general stuff yeah but she should be getting maintenance for her first child

Just because settling down with an older man with a child at 19 suited you @Newmumatlast doesn’t mean it’s a great idea for everyone. I would think you’re in the minority. I would think much fewer people dream of having two kids at 20 these days, and instead dream of building a successful career, earning some money, buying a house, travelling, etc all of which are significantly harder to achieve with two kids and the responsibility to support said kids and another adult. At just 20 years old! that’s not an aspirational set up by any stretch.

What did your parents make of it? Did you have a supportive network at home?

I’m not sure what you’re labouring the point for though as the OP has behaved impeccably, is actively working to not upset her son, but is being honest about her sadness. I suspect you’re just trying to prove it’s not the end of the world, but also I think we should allow her to be sad for the life her son very likely won’t have now.