Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should be changing baby’s nappy?

121 replies

swiftt · 19/06/2021 16:47

Back story in case some of it is relevant. Had quite a traumatic birth which ended in an emergency c section. This was on Wednesday morning. Got home from hospital Thursday evening. So it’s very early days. Baby’s dad and I aren’t together, but he has been staying with me to help with the baby. He goes back to work on Monday.

We’ve had a couple of disagreements now, mostly over who should be doing the bulk of the nappy changes. I’m breastfeeding so the nappy changes feel like the only real ‘chore’ as such. It’s been done 50/50 up until this point. Obviously when I was in hospital I had to do all of them. When he came to visit, I expected he would do them all but he said we should still do them 50/50 so I said fine. Since we’ve been home, I’m really struggling with the pain and trying to rest as much as he can before he goes back to work on Monday. He now seems to think I’m trying to ‘get out’ of doing them because I said I’d appreciate if he could do a bit more of them. He seems to think I’m taking the piss and should be doing 50% of them. I don’t even mind doing them, but at the same time I’m doing 100% of the feeding and he keeps saying he feels useless and wants to help. But he doesn’t seem to like doing nappy changes so that doesn't count.

For what it’s worth, I am keeping active and moving around as much as I can. I’m not saying I can’t move from the sofa or anything like that, but the situation that’s just happened for example:
Baby woke from nap in Moses basket. He was asleep so I went up to go and get baby. Fed baby for about half an hour and settled her for a while. He’s still asleep. Then I had a look and noticed she needed changed too. He woke up, I said oh I think she needs changed, and he said we’ll do you want to do it and I said not really, I’m quite sore and I’ve just been feeding her so would you mind doing it? Even though I know it’s technically ‘my turn’ as he did the last one.

Basically AIBU for expecting him to do more of the nappy changes whilst I’m breastfeeding and recovering from a c sections, and for the few days that he is around to help during the day?

OP posts:
MinesAPintOfTea · 19/06/2021 16:50

He should be doing everything that isn’t feeding at this stage. Feeding more work than the rest put together, plus you are recovering from emergency surgery.

However, if you aren’t together you have less emotional bond to encourage him to help. Can you send him home and ask a friend or family member who would do this to stay instead?

Chamomileteaplease · 19/06/2021 16:51

I am not surprised you have split up! I have never heard of such ridiculousness!

As you said, he is complaining of not feeling useful but then refuses to be useful.

It doesn't bode well for the future does it? Sad

I can only suggest that you point out all the things that you are doing for the baby and that you have just had a major operation and that it would be very helpful if he could get up off his arse to change the baby's nappy! I am just Shock.

laalaaland · 19/06/2021 16:52

He needs to pull his weight much more, you need to rest as much as possible and it gives him chance to bond with the baby. When my DS was born, my partner insisted that I did tums, and he did bums.

It doesn't bode well that he's already whinging about this so early on. It's really shouldn't be a chore!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 19/06/2021 16:52

If you are doing 100% of the feeds (and breastfeeding so he doesnt even have to do his share of bottle prep/washing) then he should be doing all daytime nappies.

Brakebackcyclebot · 19/06/2021 16:54

He is a twunt. Thank god you aren't with him anymore. What a shit.

notacooldad · 19/06/2021 16:55

He us a disgrace at wanting to do 50/50 when you are struggling.
There was nothing up with me once I got home from hospital but DH didn't keep count. It was a case if ' oh, uts a bit windy, time for a change!'and baby would be taken upstairs to change.
It takes hardly anytime.
Tell him to grow the fuck up and help look after his child and support you like a decent man and good father should.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 19/06/2021 16:55

For my mh I would be telling him to buggar off home...
Help? Hindrance and man child.
But guessing you know that already..

SummerHouse · 19/06/2021 16:58

He sounds pointless. How sad that you have to get in a petty argument about nappies. And that's not your fault op, at all. He should just do it. Newborn nappies take about 10 seconds FGS. I would ask him, if he wants to be helpful, what his actual problem is with nappies.

Waspsarearseholes · 19/06/2021 17:00

Why is he even keeping score of who changed the nappy last? He's getting his naps in by the looks of it, despite not having to get up to feed the baby in the night. And he hasn't just gone through the exhaustion and trauma of labour and a c section. He sounds like a lazy twat who just wants to do the nice bits of parenting. He shouldn't be 'helping' you with the baby, he should be parenting and doing all that it involves. I'd tell him to go home as you'll do better with someone like your mum or friend who would be happy and willing to help.

SilverGoblin · 19/06/2021 17:06

Eh? It's all irrelevant surely.

You are not a couple so he won't be around to do them soon enough so you had best get used to it.

Am I missing something?

Or does he actually live there, as in we're not together but just happen to share a house and act like a couple but we don't live together, oh no.

JustAnotherUserinParadise · 19/06/2021 17:08

Yeah that's not on...
in the first week after my section DH did 99% of the nappy changes. He also brought me every cup of tea and meal, cut up into bits so I could eat one-handed!

UhtredRagnarson · 19/06/2021 17:10

What a ridiculous situation.

Temp023 · 19/06/2021 17:11

My Dsis and DBIL used to say whoever touched the baby last had to change the nappy.. however this can lead to child neglect.

Original poster
swiftt · 19/06/2021 17:12

@SilverGoblin I did say in my post he is back to work Monday so I’ll be doing everything from then on. He said he’d stay with me to help with baby to begin with. I’m hoping I’ll recover quickly and doing everything myself will be totally fine (and that’s what I’m expecting to do) but I’m 3 days past having an unexpected c section.

OP posts:
Crowtooyo · 19/06/2021 17:14

Silly situation. He needs to grow up!

gabsdot45 · 19/06/2021 17:15

This is going to be the least of your worries, if you plan to raise this child together.

UhtredRagnarson · 19/06/2021 17:18

Look OP he’s not going to be any use to you. All this counting nappy changes is pointless. It doesn’t matter because you’re going to be doing it all on your own anyway. Tell him to go home now, you’ll manage by yourself.

Castlepeak · 19/06/2021 17:22

You had major surgery. You aren’t supposed to be doing anything but feeding the baby and resting.

He is supposed to be doing everything else, including 100% of nappy changes, all housework, bringing you lots of water and meals.

Rummikub · 19/06/2021 17:23

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby 💐

You’re right he’s wrong. But if you’re not together then it seems a waste
Of your emotional energy.

Your choices. As I see it are
Talk to him.
Tell him all the things you are doing for baby and ask him what’s fair.
Ask him to leave

LoopTheLoops · 19/06/2021 17:26

I’m not even sure why this is even a situation, if he is not with you then you shouldn’t be living together, fwiw me and my ex broke up when I was pregnant with our last, I also had a csection, the man never once changed a nappy and she is now 4 and out of them! You are a single parent so best to get use to it now, he’s not going to be living with you forever presumably?

AdjustableAssholeSettings · 19/06/2021 17:27

He ought to want to do them, mine used to insist and I didn't even breastfeed.

  • You've just birthed his child. Not only did you have surgery, but he owes you! He should be telling you how amazing you are, not moaning.
  • You're doing 100% of feeds.
  • He should be trying to bond and be with baby. Face time and chores are the best way to have time with baby.
  • He has a very short time till he's back at work and the whole working day will be on you.
Honestly, I took 6 weeks to feel better after my emergency CS. You need to rest while you can.
MindyStClaire · 19/06/2021 17:28

YANBU. He should be doing all nappies, and overnight too if he's staying.

But, you're not together and presumably selfishness like this is one of the reasons. So take it as a sign of how things are going to be, be glad you're not in a relationship with him any more and steel yourself for what's to come.

LoopTheLoops · 19/06/2021 17:28

*You had major surgery. You aren’t supposed to be doing anything but feeding the baby and resting.

He is supposed to be doing everything else, including 100% of nappy changes, all housework, bringing you lots of water and meals.*

Yeh that would work if they were in a relationship but they are not and he is an ex so op can’t expect that from him! I was on my own from day dot of my emcs I never had my ex move in, op is a single parent so needs to get use to coping alone, if they are arguing over who changes nappies then he’s hardly going to be cooking all her meals etc

AvantGardening · 19/06/2021 17:29

Who’s doing the laundry, cooking, washing up, household cleaning, etc? I’m going to guess that’s all you.

Send him home. He’s making work for you.

DinosaurDiana · 19/06/2021 17:31

He should be wanting to do it to bond with his baby.
Are you giving baby his surname ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread