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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who should be changing baby’s nappy?

121 replies

swiftt · 19/06/2021 16:47

Back story in case some of it is relevant. Had quite a traumatic birth which ended in an emergency c section. This was on Wednesday morning. Got home from hospital Thursday evening. So it’s very early days. Baby’s dad and I aren’t together, but he has been staying with me to help with the baby. He goes back to work on Monday.

We’ve had a couple of disagreements now, mostly over who should be doing the bulk of the nappy changes. I’m breastfeeding so the nappy changes feel like the only real ‘chore’ as such. It’s been done 50/50 up until this point. Obviously when I was in hospital I had to do all of them. When he came to visit, I expected he would do them all but he said we should still do them 50/50 so I said fine. Since we’ve been home, I’m really struggling with the pain and trying to rest as much as he can before he goes back to work on Monday. He now seems to think I’m trying to ‘get out’ of doing them because I said I’d appreciate if he could do a bit more of them. He seems to think I’m taking the piss and should be doing 50% of them. I don’t even mind doing them, but at the same time I’m doing 100% of the feeding and he keeps saying he feels useless and wants to help. But he doesn’t seem to like doing nappy changes so that doesn't count.

For what it’s worth, I am keeping active and moving around as much as I can. I’m not saying I can’t move from the sofa or anything like that, but the situation that’s just happened for example:
Baby woke from nap in Moses basket. He was asleep so I went up to go and get baby. Fed baby for about half an hour and settled her for a while. He’s still asleep. Then I had a look and noticed she needed changed too. He woke up, I said oh I think she needs changed, and he said we’ll do you want to do it and I said not really, I’m quite sore and I’ve just been feeding her so would you mind doing it? Even though I know it’s technically ‘my turn’ as he did the last one.

Basically AIBU for expecting him to do more of the nappy changes whilst I’m breastfeeding and recovering from a c sections, and for the few days that he is around to help during the day?

OP posts:

LoopTheLoops · 20/06/2021 12:29

No I had no support at all, but my point was if the op did have all this other support that people are suggesting then why on earth would she move a (ONS??) in her house (who she must barely know) to help her during this time? Surely if you had a mum or friend willing to do it you wouldn’t move this man in, they would be helping her and the guy would be having visitations. She also said He was going back work on Monday so she will be doing everything from them on. Sorry but I think you are in the minority as most other people have lives/jobs/their own kids.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 20/06/2021 12:32

Gawd what a dope 🙈 guess this is part of the reason your not together anymore hahah

I didn’t change a single nappy while my husband was on paternity leave to be honest ! I was doing the feeding and recovering !

If he’s no help he may as well go and leave you to it

LoopTheLoops · 20/06/2021 12:34

They were never actually together.

maddiemookins16mum · 20/06/2021 12:38

Less than a week old and it’s already happening. Send him home now.

Bizawit · 20/06/2021 12:38

@LoopTheLoops

Huh?? I don’t understand your point at all.

The OP doesn’t need family or friends to do this as she has the baby’s father. It doesn’t matter whether they have a romantic relationship or not, or how the baby was conceived. He is the baby’s father, he is there to help, it is not unreasonable to expect him to do the cooking, cleaning and change all the baby’s nappies.

I’m sorry you did not have this support and I know a lot of women don’t have this support in practice, but that doesn’t mean that women should expect/ deserve / put up with no support , especially from the baby’s father , if they have the opportunity to ask for more.

Ozanj · 20/06/2021 12:38

I’m still breastfeeding ab 18 mo (he does 4 feeds a day) and DH still does the majority of the nappy changes / bathtimes / feeding bits. When he was below 6 months old he did everything else to allow me to bf and sleep & would fit it all around his job.

DamnUserName21 · 20/06/2021 12:43

Yes, OP may be able to do 50% of the nappies, but why should she given she should be taken it easy and is doing all the feeds?

She isn't a single parent doing it solely alone because she has the support of baby's father--I cannot understand the pettiness of such a man who 'counts' how many nappies he is doing and expects the mother of his child who is doing feeds post-surgery to do her 'fair share.'

OP, sign of things to come, maybe. I'd seriously weigh up adding this man to the birth certificate.

LoopTheLoops · 20/06/2021 12:45

Well you obviously missed the posts from people telling op to kick him out and move a family member/friend in instead, hence my comment! I’m sure if she did have that option then she wouldn’t have moved this guy in.

Justgettingbye · 20/06/2021 12:46

I FF from birth and the dad did most of the nappy changes. Although if I noticed it needed doing I just did it. It shouldn't be a big issue tbh

LoopTheLoops · 20/06/2021 12:46

She is a single parent, her and the man are not together and she’s going to be doing it alone from tomorrow which she has stated.

Bizawit · 20/06/2021 12:48

@LoopTheLoops

Ohhh I see sorry!! I misunderstood. I thought you were saying she shouldn’t expect that level of support because in practice single mums rarely receive it from anyone.

Tbh I think people were suggesting kicking him out , not because it would be easy to find other help necessarily, but because the emotional toll of having someone around to “help” who is being that petty, is likely to outweigh the benefit of the practical support he is providing.. that was my impression anyway.

Anyways sorry for misunderstanding your comment!

Bizawit · 20/06/2021 12:51

There’s research that actually suggests that women with unsupportive partners are more likely to suffer from PND than women who have no support at all.

Whyhello · 20/06/2021 13:00

He should be doing absolutely everything bar feeding right now. You had major surgery 4 days ago ffs, he’s a selfish bastard. Do you have any support once he returns to work? You’re going to need it. I’ve had 2 c-sections and trust me, it really isn’t wise to move around too much for the first 3-4 weeks especially not bending down.

Original poster

swiftt · 20/06/2021 16:21

@LoopTheLoops @Bizawit I do have the option of having someone else stay to help, I’ve never said that I didn’t have that option or other support. But he’s the baby’s dad, he wants to help and I’d rather he be the one here to do that and bond with the baby than anyone else. From the sounds of the comments, I just need to give him a bit of a kick up the backside every now and then and make sure he stops turning things into some sort of competition. He seems weirdly almost jealous of the fact that I’m BFing, I think he sees it as a nice way to be able to sit and cuddle with baby even though it’s actually bloody hard work. So he’ll be comparing sitting cuddling baby to going and changing dirty nappies, which is stupid but that’s how I think he sees it, especially with his comments about me ‘getting out of’ doing the changes.

On a positive note, we had baby’s 5 day check today and she hasn’t lost any of her birth weight. I was worried if she was getting enough milk but now feeling quite chuffed!

OP posts:

Bizawit · 20/06/2021 16:50

Yay congratulations!!! That’s bloody amazing on the birth weight. I think most babies do end up losing weight by day 5?sounds like you and baby have bfing down 💪🏻

Tbh in light of your update , I think you are being super generous to this guy- letting him stay in your house to bond with the baby. I think I would much rather have my friend or mum or someone , than a guy who wasn’t my partner and was going to be jealous of me bfing and keeping score over changing nappies! But good for you in doing what you feel is right. Just make sure you take care of your own needs too xx

Hertsgirl10 · 20/06/2021 17:51

He sounds awful, and very immature.

So sorry that you’ve not had a good time with the birth and unexpected c section, I know that can be a lot to mentally deal with.

Is anyone else around that can stay and actually help out? Instead of sleeping and keeping account of who’s doing what,.. that must be exhausting in itself!!!

I can see why you’re not together! I hope you have a quick recovery

LoopTheLoops · 20/06/2021 19:08

Ah I see, if you have other people you can move in then I think it was odd to move this guy in then! You’re not with him and he doesn’t need to live with you to bond with the child and it only sounds like resentment is building. Tell him to leave and move someone else in and then he can have visits.

Original poster

swiftt · 20/06/2021 20:31

@LoopTheLoops I’m sorry but you’re really missing the point. I do want him here. He was also present at the birth which was quite traumatic and he was a great help. I was really just looking for some outsider’s perspective on how reasonable it was to expect him to do the changes. It’s all sorted now anyway, we’ve had a chat and ironed things out. Communication is clearly not our strong point but we’re really trying our best to facilitate the best co-parenting relationship that we can.

OP posts:

LoopTheLoops · 20/06/2021 20:36

Well pretty much every other poster has advised you to kick him out, you don’t want to which is fine but then pick your battles, you have 18 years to go, it’s been a few days and you are already building up resentment.

Blossomtoes · 20/06/2021 20:37

For goodness sake send him home, he’s neither use nor ornament.

Fernando072020 · 20/06/2021 21:31

My husband did all the nappy changes in the early days and I didn't even have a C-section. My son is 11 months now and husband still does most of them. He always saw it as his way to bond. He talks to him and sings, did the belly massages in the early colic days etc since I breastfed.

Dad should really be doing most of them

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