Who should be changing baby’s nappy?

[swiftt]

Back story in case some of it is relevant. Had quite a traumatic birth which ended in an emergency c section. This was on Wednesday morning. Got home from hospital Thursday evening. So it’s very early days. Baby’s dad and I aren’t together, but he has been staying with me to help with the baby. He goes back to work on Monday.

We’ve had a couple of disagreements now, mostly over who should be doing the bulk of the nappy changes. I’m breastfeeding so the nappy changes feel like the only real ‘chore’ as such. It’s been done 50/50 up until this point. Obviously when I was in hospital I had to do all of them. When he came to visit, I expected he would do them all but he said we should still do them 50/50 so I said fine. Since we’ve been home, I’m really struggling with the pain and trying to rest as much as he can before he goes back to work on Monday. He now seems to think I’m trying to ‘get out’ of doing them because I said I’d appreciate if he could do a bit more of them. He seems to think I’m taking the piss and should be doing 50% of them. I don’t even mind doing them, but at the same time I’m doing 100% of the feeding and he keeps saying he feels useless and wants to help. But he doesn’t seem to like doing nappy changes so that doesn't count.

For what it’s worth, I am keeping active and moving around as much as I can. I’m not saying I can’t move from the sofa or anything like that, but the situation that’s just happened for example:
Baby woke from nap in Moses basket. He was asleep so I went up to go and get baby. Fed baby for about half an hour and settled her for a while. He’s still asleep. Then I had a look and noticed she needed changed too. He woke up, I said oh I think she needs changed, and he said we’ll do you want to do it and I said not really, I’m quite sore and I’ve just been feeding her so would you mind doing it? Even though I know it’s technically ‘my turn’ as he did the last one.

Basically AIBU for expecting him to do more of the nappy changes whilst I’m breastfeeding and recovering from a c sections, and for the few days that he is around to help during the day?

Let's remember that OP has just had an EMCS and is breastfeeding. How much time do we think she's spending with the baby Vs the dad who's there to help? Even with him doing all housework he'll still have a hell of a lot more free time than her, and he's supposed to be there to help.

When I'd had an EMCS and was breastfeeding, DH did all the nappies. Those were blissful ten minute windows for me to go to the loo, eat something, stare into the abyss, whatever. It was great that he just took on responsibility for it and I didn't have to even think about it when he was there. Baby needs a change, hand her over, have a few minutes off. Of course I could've done it, I largely did with DD2 as he was busy with DD1, but that was his contribution and he did it without complaint.

It is a bit different for OP since they're not together, but if he's off work and staying there to help her find her feet, taking on the lion's share of nappy changes is not a crazy expectation.

Having a brand new baby, a gaping hole right across your front, and a tiny person sucking the very life from you night & day is not easy. If only he could try it for a day... He’d be begging to do the nappies!
I had EMCS, and found the first two weeks very difficult. Best of luck OP, being on your own. Do you have any other support? Any midwives / public health nurse coming around to help / check in on you & baby?

Tell him to get out if he's not being useful. What sort of wankstain keeps a tab on changing his baby's nappy FFS?

I wouldn’t want him there. Sounds like more hassle than he’s worth

I'd just get on with it and change the nappy to be honest.

@Sillawithans

I'd just get on with it and change the nappy to be honest.

Yes, and this is how so many men (usually) get away with being lazy shites.

can't see it's an issue - nappy changing takes minutes - modern nappies only really need changed if soiled otherwise leave it. So how can this be an issue?

Yes he should be doing all of them at the moment. I had no c section, but feeding was almost constant the first 2-4 weeks whilst I established breastfeeding. So dh did almost all changes the first month.

Op is recovering from major surgery. If the dad won’t be around usually it’s irrelevant as right now he is and if he can help a lot more the first 2 weeks+ it will really help will ops recovery. Too much, too soon could lead to delays in healing.

A high surface to change baby on should help you as time goes on. We use a changing mat just ontop of normal drawers. Still use a year on.

A newborn nappy takes 2 mins if he’s arguing at this stage what is he going to be like in the toddler years?

Petty fucker. He should be doing all nappy changes for baby, since you're bf-ing. Tell him to piss off home and ask a friend to come round.

Just as well you're not with him any more, the useless git.

And congratulations!

He is a dead loss. Ditch him and spare yourself years of stress.

It doesn't matter that you are BF! Even if you were bottle-feeding, of course the parent who didn't have major surgery does all the nappy changes, and everything.

Any other surgery and you would be told to rest and recover and do nothing.

From your body point of view, it doesn't matter it's a c-section, it's still surgery. He's an absolute arse.

You can only ask him, but it's not fair you even have to.

Who the fuck vote YABU?!

Unless they mean he should do 100% of the work...

Why are you even making this an issue? It seems like point scoring already when your baby is only days old. Surely whoever notices DC needs changing does it? Admittedly it's a while ago now but when I was breastfeeding my DC invariably needed a nappy change straight after so I just did it 🤷‍♀️.

But he does sound quite useless so I'd be getting rid of him generally but I wouldn't be keeping count of nappy changes. Forget him and just do what's best for your baby.

I had three sections so I know how you should still be recovering but you said yourself that you're up and about now. Single parents have sections and then manage to change their babies nappies.

[quote swiftt]@LoopTheLoops he isn’t an ex. He is doing meals and housework and insisting that I rest. But seems to have a chip on his shoulder about me doing my share of the nappies for some reason.[/quote]
You've said he's a good abys father's you're not together with so if he's not an ex, was he a "donor"?

I'd just send him home he doesn't sound much use. Do you have someone to help with laundry and meals? They are things that are far harder after c section than changing nappies

I've never understood how nappy changing can be seen as a chore.

It's a basic requirement and he should want his child being clean and comfortable.

Meaning do it frequently and when it's obviously been shit in.

How about getting back together rather than squabbling over a nappy? You lived each other enough to try for a baby. Don't give up and leave it with parents passing it about.

Given his current level of involvement I can see why they aren't together @spanielstail it usually gets worse as time goes on too.

@spanielstail sorry but what the fuck? 😂

If he wants to do the right thing by his child he needs to do more and grumble less

@spanielstail sorry but what the fuck? 😂

Actually ignore my response - this one from OP is better!

[quote swiftt]@spanielstail sorry but what the fuck? 😂[/quote]
Just what I was thinking 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I know it doesn't help the fact you've got a twatty manchild as a sperm donor but I did find the more I actually did and moved around and such, the more I was able to recover.

The most helpful thing any one could have done for me when I had my c section was bung a load in the washer and make sure I got 3 square meals a day.

@LoopTheLoops

Exactly cookiecreampie MN is like another universe some times I had a 6 year old a 5 year old a 3 year old and a new born who was born by emcs on my own, I had no help, we didn’t even see my ex for the first year of my daughters life, so I done all nappy changes, all feeds (bf) all cleaning and cooking for the other kids, you will be amazed at what you can do when you have NO choice, good luck finding someone else to move in who will do ALL cleaning ALL cooking and ALL nappy no way would even a parent or friend do that!

Actually my mum did this for me when I had my DD: all cooking, all cleaning and all nappy changes (they were cloth nappies as well).

It sounds like you had very little/ no(?) support , and hats off to you for managing it all on your own. But that doesn’t mean this is what women should expect , or what they deserve.

He is the baby’s father, he said he wanted to be involved. He moved in to help. There’s so much he doesn’t have to/ can’t do, the least he can do is change his baby’s nappies and not “keep score”.