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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should be changing baby’s nappy?

121 replies

swiftt · 19/06/2021 16:47

Back story in case some of it is relevant. Had quite a traumatic birth which ended in an emergency c section. This was on Wednesday morning. Got home from hospital Thursday evening. So it’s very early days. Baby’s dad and I aren’t together, but he has been staying with me to help with the baby. He goes back to work on Monday.

We’ve had a couple of disagreements now, mostly over who should be doing the bulk of the nappy changes. I’m breastfeeding so the nappy changes feel like the only real ‘chore’ as such. It’s been done 50/50 up until this point. Obviously when I was in hospital I had to do all of them. When he came to visit, I expected he would do them all but he said we should still do them 50/50 so I said fine. Since we’ve been home, I’m really struggling with the pain and trying to rest as much as he can before he goes back to work on Monday. He now seems to think I’m trying to ‘get out’ of doing them because I said I’d appreciate if he could do a bit more of them. He seems to think I’m taking the piss and should be doing 50% of them. I don’t even mind doing them, but at the same time I’m doing 100% of the feeding and he keeps saying he feels useless and wants to help. But he doesn’t seem to like doing nappy changes so that doesn't count.

For what it’s worth, I am keeping active and moving around as much as I can. I’m not saying I can’t move from the sofa or anything like that, but the situation that’s just happened for example:
Baby woke from nap in Moses basket. He was asleep so I went up to go and get baby. Fed baby for about half an hour and settled her for a while. He’s still asleep. Then I had a look and noticed she needed changed too. He woke up, I said oh I think she needs changed, and he said we’ll do you want to do it and I said not really, I’m quite sore and I’ve just been feeding her so would you mind doing it? Even though I know it’s technically ‘my turn’ as he did the last one.

Basically AIBU for expecting him to do more of the nappy changes whilst I’m breastfeeding and recovering from a c sections, and for the few days that he is around to help during the day?

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 19/06/2021 18:22

All these fucking useless men who are happy to make the babies but then do fuck all once they arrive.

Their default seems to be that everything is the woman's job as long as she is still breathing, regardless of any illness or injury.

GameSetMatch · 19/06/2021 18:26

It’s a nappy change not a big deal, I don’t think it needs to be a my turn your turn job just whoever is there when baby needs changing? You will stress yourself out arguing over petty things.

DroopyClematis · 19/06/2021 18:33

@SilverGoblin

Eh? It's all irrelevant surely.

You are not a couple so he won't be around to do them soon enough so you had best get used to it.

Am I missing something?

Or does he actually live there, as in we're not together but just happen to share a house and act like a couple but we don't live together, oh no.

This is what I was thinking.

You've split up. You are no longer a couple.

It's down to you now.

Just10moreminutesplease · 19/06/2021 18:52

@SilverGoblin

Eh? It's all irrelevant surely.

You are not a couple so he won't be around to do them soon enough so you had best get used to it.

Am I missing something?

Or does he actually live there, as in we're not together but just happen to share a house and act like a couple but we don't live together, oh no.

What a horrible post. It’s relevant because the OP has just given birth. This means that the father should be doing everything he can to help whist she recovers, regardless of whether they are in a romantic relationship or not.

Do you not think dad’s have any responsibility towards their children unless they are still with the mum?

Astraturf · 19/06/2021 18:54

He should be looking after you and the baby.
Give the baby your last name if you weren't already, he seems like he's not going to be around much.

HermioneKipper · 19/06/2021 18:56

Tell him to get lost if he’s not going to be helpful. I had a section with my twins and you need to rest as much as possible so it can heal.

It’s obviously a different situation but my husband did all of the nappy changes and all the sterilising, making bottles, washing and sterilising the breast pump, getting me cups of tea and food. Is there anyone else who can come and stay with you? Like your parents? You need help after a section or you’ll set your recovery right back

cookiecreampie · 19/06/2021 19:09

I've had multiple c sections, both emergency and planned whilst I was a single mum. I had other kids to be taking care of as well as everything else. Sorry to be harsh but you can change a nappy. As long as he's helpful in other ways, it shouldn't be about who's turn it is and tit for tat.

Sceptre86 · 19/06/2021 19:09

I can see why you split up, he is unreasonable and a lazy sod. You are well rid. Do you have any family or friends you could rely on instead? It is more hassle having to deal with an adult having tantrums than a baby you would be better off without his minimal help.

LoopTheLoops · 19/06/2021 19:13

Exactly cookiecreampie MN is like another universe some times I had a 6 year old a 5 year old a 3 year old and a new born who was born by emcs on my own, I had no help, we didn’t even see my ex for the first year of my daughters life, so I done all nappy changes, all feeds (bf) all cleaning and cooking for the other kids, you will be amazed at what you can do when you have NO choice, good luck finding someone else to move in who will do ALL cleaning ALL cooking and ALL nappy no way would even a parent or friend do that!

Sceptre86 · 19/06/2021 19:14

I've had several sections too and had to get on with things, all mums do especially if you have other kids to take care of. Single mothers often do have to do everything on their own unless they have good family support. op's ex says he wants to help then isn't helping in the way she needs, her recovery is important and he should be facilitating that. Bending over to do a nappy change isn't just a nappy change when you've had your abdomen cut open, it bloody well hurts. op is asking for help and he is being an arse.

Pollypudding · 19/06/2021 19:15

Firstly congratulations on your baby Flowers
A c-section is so tough and the person staying with you should be doing everything so soon after the birth, letting you concentrate on feeding the baby and your own recovery. This petty arguing is only going to cause you stress. If you can get support from family that might be easier on you.

LoopTheLoops · 19/06/2021 19:16

And lots of us have been there and had to do it with no help, he’s helping, just asking her to do some as well, seriously do you think a parent or friend would move in and do ALL nappy changes, ALL cooking for the op and ALL cleaning? I’m sure if she had her family to do that she wouldn’t have moved her ex in!

LoopTheLoops · 19/06/2021 19:16

Or “not” ex Hmm

DisgruntledPelican · 19/06/2021 19:18

YANBU at all. DP and I had words in the early days, due to our plans to share baby care as equally as possible which ended up sliding into tit-for-tat “I changed his nappy last time, it’s your turn”. It was because we were both exhausted and overwhelmed and we managed to work things out, but if you and the baby’s dad aren’t together then it might be less easy to do so. Might be good if he’s around for a midwife/HV visit, if hearing some home truths from someone external might work.

shouldistop · 19/06/2021 19:18

He should be doing nappy changes and bringing you food & water regularly.

DysmalRadius · 19/06/2021 19:18

How come that only applies to the OP though? If he was a single dad, he'd have to do everything by himself too, so surely he's lucky that the OP is doing all the feeds and so he should suck up doing more nappies.

shouldistop · 19/06/2021 19:19

@SilverGoblin yes you are missing the fact that she's recovering and trying to establish breastfeeding.

Justgettingbye · 19/06/2021 19:27

It's not clear what the relationship is but regardless you both need to get on with it.

You need to say 'can you change the nappy please' and he needs to 'man up' and do it and if he starts talking about percentages of who is doing it you may aswell say 'you may as well go then, you said you wanted to help and this is what needs doing'.

Fgs don't make nappies a big thing at this stage otherwise you will be screwed

Original poster
swiftt · 19/06/2021 19:37

Thanks all. I needed to see some outsider’s perspectives.

Totally aware that I’m capable of changing a nappy and definitely not trying to say otherwise. My point is that he’s here staying with me to help - he wanted to stay here and help, this isn’t one sided. And I’ll be doing it all as of Monday, which is why it would be even nicer to have that extra help now whilst the pain etc is at its peak.

I’ve spoken to him now. I think he just needed a bit of a reminder that I need help whilst he’s here.

OP posts:
30degreesandmeltinghere · 19/06/2021 19:59

With all your might op, lift that right leg and kick the lazy fucker out....

TenBobNote · 19/06/2021 20:04

Congratulations on the birth of your first born 💐

However,…. Squabbling over who changes the nappies. Just wow! You are in for serious dilemmas for the next 20 years OP. Good luck with that!

Anonymous48 · 19/06/2021 20:12

@GameSetMatch

It’s a nappy change not a big deal, I don’t think it needs to be a my turn your turn job just whoever is there when baby needs changing? You will stress yourself out arguing over petty things.
I completely agree with this. Changing a newborn's nappy is probably the easiest job there'll ever be when it comes to raising a child. Absolutely not worth making a big deal over.
IDontReadEyebrows · 19/06/2021 20:16

You’ve had major surgery and he’s there to help so he should be doing the bulk of the care that isn’t feeding or he might as well piss off.

IDontReadEyebrows · 19/06/2021 20:19

Actually I’d expect him to do the cooking, laundry, push the hoover round and all the other chores. I was told by my midwife not to lift anything heavier than my baby for the first few weeks and no pushing a hoover around even due to my episiotomy and heavy blood loss so not even a c-section.

Thisisus909 · 19/06/2021 20:27

I did literally nothing at all bar feeding the baby for 2 weeks and very little else for another 4 weeks. I was fortunate my husband took AL and had enhanced paternity leave and having seen me have major surgery he was totally happy to cook, clean (we shared 50% before so pretty normal for him) and do nappies whilst I breastfed and did night feeds. I did do occasional nappies at night (wouldn’t wake my DH for a change obviously) but it was a handful a week.

I felt like he was just being a normal dad and with a good job, but reading Mumsnet makes me realise how rare it is to get genuine support.