Who should be changing baby’s nappy?

[swiftt]

Back story in case some of it is relevant. Had quite a traumatic birth which ended in an emergency c section. This was on Wednesday morning. Got home from hospital Thursday evening. So it’s very early days. Baby’s dad and I aren’t together, but he has been staying with me to help with the baby. He goes back to work on Monday.

We’ve had a couple of disagreements now, mostly over who should be doing the bulk of the nappy changes. I’m breastfeeding so the nappy changes feel like the only real ‘chore’ as such. It’s been done 50/50 up until this point. Obviously when I was in hospital I had to do all of them. When he came to visit, I expected he would do them all but he said we should still do them 50/50 so I said fine. Since we’ve been home, I’m really struggling with the pain and trying to rest as much as he can before he goes back to work on Monday. He now seems to think I’m trying to ‘get out’ of doing them because I said I’d appreciate if he could do a bit more of them. He seems to think I’m taking the piss and should be doing 50% of them. I don’t even mind doing them, but at the same time I’m doing 100% of the feeding and he keeps saying he feels useless and wants to help. But he doesn’t seem to like doing nappy changes so that doesn't count.

For what it’s worth, I am keeping active and moving around as much as I can. I’m not saying I can’t move from the sofa or anything like that, but the situation that’s just happened for example:
Baby woke from nap in Moses basket. He was asleep so I went up to go and get baby. Fed baby for about half an hour and settled her for a while. He’s still asleep. Then I had a look and noticed she needed changed too. He woke up, I said oh I think she needs changed, and he said we’ll do you want to do it and I said not really, I’m quite sore and I’ve just been feeding her so would you mind doing it? Even though I know it’s technically ‘my turn’ as he did the last one.

Basically AIBU for expecting him to do more of the nappy changes whilst I’m breastfeeding and recovering from a c sections, and for the few days that he is around to help during the day?

We played rock, paper, scissors for it.

@LoopTheLoops he isn’t an ex. He is doing meals and housework and insisting that I rest. But seems to have a chip on his shoulder about me doing my share of the nappies for some reason.

He should be doing everything! You've just had a major surgery.

What a dick. No wonder you're not together.

My sister is due in September and her partner can only have a few days off as self employed so I'll be round there for 2+ weeks every day to help her heal and take care of the baby and my other niece like getting her to school and picking her up.

Urgh, some men.

He should do them all.

He is an ex if you aren’t together? Are you saying you are still in a relationship?

If he’s doing everything else then I don’t actually think he’s as bad as you are making out

@LoopTheLoops

He is an ex if you aren’t together? Are you saying you are still in a relationship?

Maybe they were never together and they decided to co-parent or it was a friend and they had a ONS?

If he is being this ridiculous about nappies I'd just send him home, if he's this petty about nappies I bet he'll be a right pain when it comes to contact weekends, school runs etc

YANBU-- and congrats on the baby!

At that stage, my husband did all the nappy changes, clothing, and rocking, etc. And I didn't have a difficult delivery like you did! Breastfeeding a newborn is rarely easy and always time-consuming. I'm glad that you two aren't together as he sounds very selfish. I second PP's suggestion to find another family member or friend to help out.

Also doesn't he get paternity leave?

You are not a couple so he won't be around to do them soon enough so you had best get used to it.

Am I missing something?

The fact she's recovering from a c-section? So actually a few days of someone else doing them now would be really helpful at the moment.

My husband did all the nappies for the first few weeks while I was breastfeeding and recovering from giving birth - it didn't render me incapable of doing them when he wasn't around, it was just a nice thing to do when he was.

Best get used to nappy changes, you have probs got 2 years worth coming up

Honestly, I can't see what the fuss is about. Newborn nappies are so very easy. My 11 month old wriggles and cries and nappy change has become such a chore. Are you both arguing the toss because "it's the principle"?

Congratulations on your baby. I'm glad he is helping in other ways and allowing you to rest.

I’m not being funny but if he was just a ONS then she’s lucky he even moved in to help and didn’t just do a runner so I would be picking my battles! He’s moved in to help out does all the cooking and cleaning and is only saying the op should do some nappy changes as well, hardly the devil is he! Doing more than a lot of men would do not in a relationship with the mother.

Maybe they were never together and they decided to co-parent or it was a friend and they had a ONS?

What is an ONS out of interest?

YANBU OP. He’s being a massive prick. I’d kick him out tbh and stop giving him the opportunity to pretend he’s being a stand up dad, when really he’s just petty and lazy and trying to keep “score” which is ridiculous since you just carried the baby for 9 months, gave birth and are now solely sustaining her with you milk.

Best get used to nappy changes, you have probs got 2 years worth coming up

I'm assuming she'll have recovered from her surgery by then though...

@Bizawit a one night stand.

@NerrSnerr ahh . thanks!

@MindyStClaire

YANBU. He should be doing all nappies, and overnight too if he's staying.

But, you're not together and presumably selfishness like this is one of the reasons. So take it as a sign of how things are going to be, be glad you're not in a relationship with him any more and steel yourself for what's to come.

This. Yanbu of course.

Is he not entitled to two weeks paternity leave? Though from the sounds of it he is lazy and unreliable and I agree with a PP about not wasting your emotional energy on trying to change his unreasonable behaviour.

Do you have any friends or family you can rely on to help you over the next few weeks while you recover? I received daily visits from the midwife for a bit after my sections (pre Covid though), is this still the case?

Missed the bit about him cooking etc.

Still, I would try to prepare for next week as much as possible. Do you have (safe) higher surface to change the baby on rather than the floor? I'd also get as much easy food in to snack on and grab quickly for when it is just you and the baby? I found these things helped.

@Yokey

Honestly, I can't see what the fuss is about. Newborn nappies are so very easy. My 11 month old wriggles and cries and nappy change has become such a chore. Are you both arguing the toss because "it's the principle"?

Congratulations on your baby. I'm glad he is helping in other ways and allowing you to rest.

This. I did about 50% of the nappies about 3 days after feeding as my husband was working. Based on your update if he’s doing the meals and housework I disagree with others that are saying he is useless.

Jesus I was barely functional after my c section until a couple of weeks later, between pain, sleep deprivation I think you're a star! I honestly don't know how you're coping with this ridiculous situation, an unreliable argumentative shit like him is worse than no help.

Get rid of him and encourage bonding in other ways than him "helping" - he's more hassle around than use.

Maybe he can take the baby for a 30min walk between feeds to give you a short nap (if you can, I always even felt so much better after a 30min nap) .

But sack off this delusion that you're buying into, he's not doing halves. He's doing as little as possible. How awful to treat you like that.

Fwiw in our situation there was no "turns". See a job, do a job. That's it. It's really that simple.

See a job, do a job. (I think it's a military saying?)

My DS is 16 and still in nappies due to his severe learning difficulties.

My DH changes them more than I do.

Your baby's Father is a useless tosser.

You are well rid.

A C section is major surgery. If I were a friend and just visiting I'd offer to do the change for you. As the father he should step up and stop keeping score while you're recovering. I say this as someone who hasn't had a C section but knows through common sense that it's an operation that requires recovery time.

Fed baby for about half an hour and settled her for a while. He’s still asleep. Then I had a look and noticed she needed changed too. He woke up, I said oh I think she needs changed, and he said we’ll do you want to do it and I said not really, I’m quite sore and I’ve just been feeding her so would you mind doing it?

This is just bizarre IMO. You noticed baby needed changed so you should have just changed her. I’m not sure why you said “I think she needs changed” you didn’t think, you knew! Cut the passive aggressive crap and if you want him to change her just tell him to. The same with him- he needs to cut the “do you want to do it?” nonsense. Who the hell asks someone if they want to change a nappy? No one does. It’s just something you have to do. So he should have just said “ok I’ll change her now.”

You two have real communication issues. Stop pratting about and just do what needs done and say what needs said.

The mind boggles, what kind of man is this? quite useless it seems,he should be up and running, and helping you in all ways.