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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Punished at school for saying ‘flipping heck’

483 replies

porkincider · 19/06/2021 16:22

At pick up yesterday the teacher asked me to wait behind for a minute as my 8yo Ds had been put on red (they have a traffic light system- start on green, if really good go to silver and then gold, if naughty go to orange and then red. Get on red twice in a term and you have to go to the headmaster’s office). Ds has always been really good, he’s incredibly shy, hates drawing attention to himself and normally just bobs along on green every week.

He looked mortified when he came out and the teacher told me he’d had to go straight onto red for bad language during PE. Ds tried to say “I only said” but teacher interrupted and said “please don’t say it again, you’ll only get yourself into more trouble”. Anyway, he apologised, we walked home and that was that.

I asked him what he’d said and why when we got home and he told me he missed a goal in PE and said “oh, flipping heck”. I asked him if he was sure that was what he’d said, that he hadn’t said the F word but he was adamant he hadn’t and was in tears of frustration at this point as he kept trying to tell the teacher what he’d said but she just kept telling her not to repeat it.

I messaged the teacher on the school app and said “Ds is very sorry for upsetting you today. He’s adamant that he only said ‘flipping heck’ though and wanted me just tell you that he would never say anything ruder than that either at school or at home”. Teacher immediately messaged back to say that she was aware that was what he’d said, it was more the tone that he’d said it in that she was disappointed about (which wasn’t what she’d told me at pick up) and that I needed to ensure that he was aware that language of that type is not acceptable at school.

Is ‘flipping heck’ rude? I say it all the time and I’m certain that is where he’s picked it up from but I’ve never told him not to say it. I thought it was just a nonsense exclamation.

OP posts:
RedactedTaeFeck · 20/06/2021 18:03

So do we expect everyone to be emotionless nowadays? What is the appropriate reaction from a young child in this situation? "oh dear, how very disappointing"?

Anabella23 · 20/06/2021 18:06

Yes the teacher was completely right. the language flipping heck, is a cop out - it is rude and unacceptable and this is from a person whos child got on red for calling a chinese child a chinese boy and nothing more. that was considered racist. it was what was implied not what was said by all accounts and those words are implied to take place of swear words

Llh1979 · 20/06/2021 18:06

Your poor DS
My boy says "what the!" all the time in my words "what the fuck" im my eyes aslong as he's not saying the actual swear words i don't see a problem he was expressing himself for missing a goal

Obi73 · 20/06/2021 18:08

@porkincider

cappucinoandcats yes they have their photos on the wall and they move them up or down onto the different coloured boards based on their behaviour
Gosh that’s awful - a massive over reaction on the teacher’s part! As for having visual behaviour charts how demoralising and embarrassing the school could do with reading: When the Adults Change, Everything Changes: Seismic Shifts in School Behaviour, Paul Dix

The author upends the debate on behaviour management in schools and offers effective tips and strategies that serve to end the search for change in children and turn the focus back on the adults.

Maybe you could send the teacher the link as they seem to need it more than your child!

Nohomemadecandles · 20/06/2021 18:12

Traffic light system is awful. I really dislike it.

BeckyWithTheCurls · 20/06/2021 18:14

I disliked the traffic light system too!

Wall of shame primary kids!

Jack80 · 20/06/2021 18:15

It's a common thing to say but is fround upon because it's another way of saying f**ng hell

BeckyWithTheCurls · 20/06/2021 18:15

Wall of shame FOR primary kids!

2bazookas · 20/06/2021 18:19

Over the top teacher! Raise this with the Head.

It's not just her reaction to an inoffensive term; it's the fact she then ruthlessly shut down his explanation and then did the same again when he tried to explain in front of you.

That degree of rude unfair dominance to a meek polite well behaved pupil age 8 is a very unfortunate indicator of the teachers ugly relations with other, similar pupils, and its very likely that other mild compliant pupils are terrified of her overbearing bullying.

Her HT needs to investigate this.

VeganCheesePlease · 20/06/2021 18:22

Way over the top!

Bizawit · 20/06/2021 18:32

For those saying it’s rude and inappropriate... can someone please explain why??? Is it the mere fact that a child is expressing him/herself? exclaiming something emphatically? (Even if they don’t use any actually rude or offensive words). Is that not allowed in school? Doesn’t sound very reasonable or healthy to me!

Rosiebrown1 · 20/06/2021 18:32

Just sat my four year old down with a cartoon whilst I get us ready for work and Playgroup (four year old) tomorrow.

One of the Gummy bear characters says, ‘how the heck am I going to...’

I honestly don’t think that this kind of language can be avoided, however much we try.

BTW, the ‘focus’ letter for Playgroup this week will be ‘W’...I wonder what the staff will hear as examples from the children 🙈

I seriously feel your pain as I think your child’s teacher has been completely OTT. Sorry you have had to deal with this :( x

Looubylou · 20/06/2021 18:41

If you Google flipping heck, it does indeed say it is a stand in for fucking hell. I didn't know that, and I'm a 100% sure your son doesn't either. I would want him removed from red, with teacher saying something like "I've had a little think about this DS and as you are normally so polite, and have apologised, I've decided to move you back to green today". I can't bear injustice and absolutely would go to the head about it. I don't care if MN think I'm making mountains out of molehills.

strangeshapedpotato · 20/06/2021 18:43

What I find hardest of all to believe about this is the OP wants to tell everyone!

Frankly if my kid was swearing - not in private among other kids, but openly in front of a teacher, I'd be embarassed... but then again, I wouldn't have trained an 8 year old to swear in the first place.

porkincider · 20/06/2021 18:45

But it’s only another way of saying “fucking hell” if you know “fucking hell”, which he doesn’t. It’s not the equivalent of saying “fucking hell” because it’s deliberately not saying “fucking hell”.

OP posts:
ScribblyBaller · 20/06/2021 18:46

@strangeshapedpotato

What I find hardest of all to believe about this is the OP wants to tell everyone!

Frankly if my kid was swearing - not in private among other kids, but openly in front of a teacher, I'd be embarassed... but then again, I wouldn't have trained an 8 year old to swear in the first place.

Tell me, were you born this stupid or did you need to work really hard to reach this level?
ObviousNameChage · 20/06/2021 18:47

@porkincider

But it’s only another way of saying “fucking hell” if you know “fucking hell”, which he doesn’t. It’s not the equivalent of saying “fucking hell” because it’s deliberately not saying “fucking hell”.
Sure he doesn't.
porkincider · 20/06/2021 18:47

strangeshapedpotato he wasn’t swearing, he said ‘flippin’ ‘eck’. Swear words are not allowed to be said before the watershed on TV, ‘flipping heck’ is regularly said on Hollyoaks, Corrie etc. as it specifically isn’t swearing.

OP posts:
porkincider · 20/06/2021 18:49

obviousnamechange true, he might have heard it at school. He certainly hasn’t heard it at home though and has only ever heard me say ‘flipping heck’, never ‘fucking hell, sorry flipping heck’ or equivalent.

OP posts:
Hertsgirl10 · 20/06/2021 18:50

My daughter used to watch this Australian show called Milly & Molly and this mad old lady in the show would say things like ooh fiddle stick and oh fudge, and things like this.
My little ones picked it up and my cousins HATED it. She’s a swearer herself but she said it’s not what they was saying it was how they was saying it like they wanted to say the other words but would say that.
I thought it was hilarious 🤦🏼‍♀️

Anyway I mean how people interpret things is very different so she might be a bit over sensitive maybe, I don’t think that’s at all offensive and as for the red light system with the bloody photos .... they need to get rid of it, only works for the naughty kids anyway and the ones that usually are good and mess up now & then feel so ashamed!

The naughty kids always are the ones in schools that get away with so much then get treats for doing things that the rest of the class do naturally all of the time. I honestly believe this is where the issues start with society - not the red light system but the attitudes of teachers and the strange reward systems for misbehaving.

cakewench · 20/06/2021 18:51

The whole 'replacement for swearing' can be difficult, though. Where I'm from (east coast USA) 'crap' is something children say and it's the replacement for saying shit. It's in my vocabulary and even after 15 years in the UK, it's a hard habit to break (I work with children so it's definitely not something I'd like to say around them here!)

Flippin' heck is a bit shit (hah!) as a phrase tbh, given the tone some children say it in, it can really make you have to think twice about what was said.

LovelyIssues · 20/06/2021 18:52

It is considered rude at school, but doesn't deserve that punishment. I would have took him to the side and reminded him though it isn't a swear word it is not a phrase to be used at school and moved on

Hertsgirl10 · 20/06/2021 18:53

@strangeshapedpotato

What I find hardest of all to believe about this is the OP wants to tell everyone!

Frankly if my kid was swearing - not in private among other kids, but openly in front of a teacher, I'd be embarassed... but then again, I wouldn't have trained an 8 year old to swear in the first place.

I would train my kids to tell people like you to fuck off.

Flippin heck isn’t a swear word 😆 have your had a bad weekend?

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 20/06/2021 18:53

If 'stand ins' are now going to count as swearing, they are no longer 'stand ins' .

I assume 'sugar' is 'bugger' and 'bother' is 'bollocks' and I once heard someone being introduced to the Queen as a 'Count'!

ChelleMum85 · 20/06/2021 18:56

@porkincider

At pick up yesterday the teacher asked me to wait behind for a minute as my 8yo Ds had been put on red (they have a traffic light system- start on green, if really good go to silver and then gold, if naughty go to orange and then red. Get on red twice in a term and you have to go to the headmaster’s office). Ds has always been really good, he’s incredibly shy, hates drawing attention to himself and normally just bobs along on green every week.

He looked mortified when he came out and the teacher told me he’d had to go straight onto red for bad language during PE. Ds tried to say “I only said” but teacher interrupted and said “please don’t say it again, you’ll only get yourself into more trouble”. Anyway, he apologised, we walked home and that was that.

I asked him what he’d said and why when we got home and he told me he missed a goal in PE and said “oh, flipping heck”. I asked him if he was sure that was what he’d said, that he hadn’t said the F word but he was adamant he hadn’t and was in tears of frustration at this point as he kept trying to tell the teacher what he’d said but she just kept telling her not to repeat it.

I messaged the teacher on the school app and said “Ds is very sorry for upsetting you today. He’s adamant that he only said ‘flipping heck’ though and wanted me just tell you that he would never say anything ruder than that either at school or at home”. Teacher immediately messaged back to say that she was aware that was what he’d said, it was more the tone that he’d said it in that she was disappointed about (which wasn’t what she’d told me at pick up) and that I needed to ensure that he was aware that language of that type is not acceptable at school.

Is ‘flipping heck’ rude? I say it all the time and I’m certain that is where he’s picked it up from but I’ve never told him not to say it. I thought it was just a nonsense exclamation.

I would E-mail the head and CC in the chair of Governors, asking that said teacher not psychologically abuse your child by repressing his right to explain himself when he expresses his emotional frustration. Advise them that if it happens again, you will directly report the teacher to Ofcom for abuse of powers.

This is highly inappropriate and bullying behaviour to intimidate and rwpeess your son from talking.