to feel sad i didnt get this life

[Winecurestiredness]

There is a lovely lady at my DSs school that has the life i dreamed of as a young girl. She is a respected nurse, 3 lovely children and baby number 4 on the way, so pretty and so nice too...lovely house, a range rover, husband etc.

I am a SAHM that lives in a council house. Long story short. I had DS1 at 19, then DS2 at 23....just as i put DS2 into childminders to go back to college i found out i was pregnant with DS3. Sadly i was also diagnosed with Non Hodgkin Lymphoma a type of cancer. My dreams were destroyed at 24. My DS3 died 7 hours after he was born due to oxygen starvation at birth. Then i was forced to go through a stem cell/bone marrow transplant....i was not expected to survive. i did. but sadly i am now Infertile....i became infertile at just 25. Recovery after cancer isnt like you see in the magazines. you dont feel like running a marathon and being superwoman by 1 year post treatment. I have been so dissapointed in myself. Flash forward 3 years and i am a SAHM that drinks wine in the evenings so i can sleep without anxiety attacks. I am on 200mgs of antidepressants. I have applied to study an access course at college, i am greatful i am here to look after my two boys but i keep comparing myself to these 'perfect' mums at the school gate. It doesnt help that DS1 also has autism, i am his carer, in fact i was also a young carer for my brother as a child due to my mum working full time and his own autism.

So yeah im dissapointed in myself and how pathetic i am. Sometimes i ache so much for DS3, for another baby to take the pain away, so i drink when DS1 finally goes to bed because i have no social life, no sex life with Dh due to my menopause, no career to keep me busy, no childcare that would take DS1, i live on £67 per week because i feel bad enough that DH pays the bills so i dont want to sponge off him for food when i cant even satisfy him in our marriage. I often think it would have been better if i hadnt survived at all because im just a deadweight and a sponger

I’m sorry for your difficulties. There is no such thing as a perfect mum or a perfect person. I’ve been told before I have a perfect life. No one at work or at school knows what goes on behind our front door......our life is so far from perfect. ‘Perfect’ people commit suicide every single day. Concentrate on yourself and your own life. You are doing great

That all sounds really tough OP.

Do you have anyone to talk to IRL?

I'm so sorry, this sounds so hard.

Does your DH understand how you're feeling? You are not a sponger, if you're married any money is family money.

To me it sounds like you're doing an incredible job looking after your children having gone through everything you have.

As pp said - no one really knows what is going on in other people’s lives. I live in a big farm house near the coast, but we have a massive mortgage. I have seven lovely children, but the youngest two are adopted and have some additional needs that are becoming more apparent over time (would never be without them though!) I am slim and relatively fit but last week during a routine smear test I discovered that I have a large cyst on my cervix that needs further investigation. Nobody’s life is as perfect as it appears. Be kind to yourself x

As other people have said, there is no such thing as the perfect life. It's all an illusion that social media makes possible.
You have dealt with so much in life that it's no wonder you feel like this. But that too is an illusion. You are not worthless. You are not a deadweight. You are actually a warrior for coming through all the pain and trauma life has thrown at you. You might not feel like it but you are. Have you received any counselling for the loss of your child? I cannot imagine the suffering you experienced. Maybe if you reached out and spoke to someone this might help? I know counselling is not for everyone though, obviously that's your choice.
Be kind to yourself OP.
And keep posting on here for support.

I'm in awe of what you've been through. You're still standing, that makes you an incredible person, you're so much more than you see.
Have you spoken to your dh about how you feel?
Does your local college offer childcare options? Our local one has a nursery where the childcare practitioner students do their work experience as such, so it's subsidised/free for students.

Please also remember comparison is the thief of happiness, just because it looks good on the outside, doesn't mean it's always good.

You have had a seriously rough ride OP and I am so sorry for the loos of your baby.

You know, you have plenty of time to do whatever you want. Go to college / University. Life isn't over.

I'm sorry for your loss and ill health .

The access course is a great idea. It's not too late for you to have the career you dreamed of. Your children won't be small forever and as you were young when you had them, you will still be young when they are older and you have more time to devote to study/work.

I use to have this friend 2 kids , both her and hubby drove new BMWs big house , lots of gadgets I was so jealous they'd go on posh holidays etc , then I discovered at my own wedding he was beating her up .

You never know what's going on behind closed doors,

Love your self and your incredible achievement there's not many than can do what u done and stand tall,

But if you didn't have this life you wouldn't have the DC you do have. The grass always seems greener....it rarely ever is.

My dream was to get married, have children and work as a neonatal nurse at GOSH. I am married and I do have a DS but I work in admin in cancer services and am currently fighting to get my son the help he needs for his SEN (with the help of DH). I wouldn't swap my life though as I am exactly where I am meant to be and have some amazing friends I would not have otherwise met

That sounds tough op. If it helps. I've had chronic illness that I've never been able to have a proper career. And if I do try, I end up having time off because of my autoimmune disease.
I've got to the point I'm tired. And drained. I've had enough of it

The fact that you feel you can't share your DH's income because you don't have sex with him is really concerning.
That's not how it works.

The access course will do wonders for your confidence, I've done one. It really really does help.

That is a lot to go through Op. I'm so sorry about your ds3 and all your health issues. I have issues with a lot of the narrative around cancer and completely understand you not bouncing back straight away. I know about the issues around childcare for children with ASD - it's a nightmare even when you have £££.

Have you considered an HCA job? Could you work around your dh? I'm sure he doesn't think you are a sponge and a deadweight.

Bloody hell, I think you're a superhero! You've got kids, a DH and a home. Just now you're at a low ebb but you've got dreams and drive, you just need to start believing in yourself.
I agree with others that you're seeing a fictitious ideal life if others and it's not the case. Often people are treated badly at work, nurses get a hard time and work like dogs. It's a tough slog and doctors, managers and patients can be bloody awful, as well as other nurses sometimes.

People with fancy cars and homes have borrowed money usually or get perks with jobs. I bought my first home at 29 years old, currently my home is worth quite a bit, but we have a mortgage 20 years on, probably won't pay it off by the time we retire either, but will down size and pay it then - it's just tactics of life - but for now you can make plans to get on the job ladder and house ladder, these are jist steps you'll take along the way - you'll get these things and goodness you deserve it what you've been through in your life

I reiterate what others have said, seek counselling if you haven't already for your heartbreaking loss and also for your cancer struggle, that's a big thing to deal with, along with the early menopause, very destructive if you don't get a handle on it.

Be positive about yourself, enjoy your lovely family and get to that college course and get the goal written down in a book, use the book to write your journey down and you'll see how you've made small steps and got a long way - you can do it

You'll probably be writing your life story on how you coped with such a hard hand you had been dealt in your 20's - I take my hat off to you!

Good luck - don't look back, just forwards x

so i dont want to sponge off him for food when i cant even satisfy him in our marriage

This really stood out for me OP. Are you struggling to eat? Does your OH provide food? Is he calling you a sponger? Is there something more going on here within the relationship?

You've had a really hard time, and you have not only survived, but are bringing up 2 DC and returning to education. This is brilliant! 💥

Now I have to point out the same as PinkPurpleParade, when you are married and especially with children, there is no such thing as “sponging off” your DH.
Any money is family money. This money should go towards the bills, the food and anything else needed, clothes, food, going out, etc - for all family members. If you are left short of money and he isn't, this is financial abuse.

And it doesn't matter if sex is off the menu right now… you don't have to trade sex for money.
Also, there are options to help you become sexually active post menopause if you want to: HRT, lubrication, etc, or think about non penetration sex…I get that this will need to be carefully managed post cancer, that's what your GP will be able to help with.

Speaking of GP, you sound very low. It is possible that you are depressed or need some extra help with your mood at the moment. You might not have had space to mourn your DS 3, as you were so busy surviving. Possibly some bereavement counselling would be helpful.

Or maybe you need to hear from us vipers that we think you're a strong woman doing a great job 💐

I paint a smile on my face with most work colleagues and people I deal with every day, there’s 2 people who I confide in when things are shit. Don’t compare yourself to others it’ll do you no good

Your post is heartbreaking OP. You have achieved so much - you’re an amazing survivor. Not because of marathons or anything like that, but because you have gone through unbelievable trauma and you’re still here, still caring for your children, still planning for the future.

I’m so terribly sorry about the loss of your third son. What was his name? I can’t imagine how hard it was to lose him, and then to experience infertility. The fact that you’ve found things to motivate yourself for (your family, your access course) shows your resilience and strength of character.

You aren’t a deadweight. You aren’t useless. You are the beloved mother of your children, you’re a carer, your a survivor, you’re somebody who matters and is doing good things in this world.

You’ve had a really rough ride in life. I think your focus on things should be on what you can change. There is no age limit to starting a nursing career if that is what you dream of being. Otherwise would fostering or adoption help you fill that void in your life? Could these be options for you?

There's no denying it, some people have a lot of luck in life, and others have so much sadness and hardship to bear.

But of course yabu - the life you have got is not pathetic. You've come through battles, not unscathed, but you came through. Sure, I imagine your DH didnt expect life to be like this either but you haven't let him down. And what would his life be like, if you had died of cancer and he had an autistic child and another NT child to raise alone?

I don't have any special advice for you, either than to avoid comparing yourself to other people who are obviously so much luckier than you. For every lucky person you find, there are as many who are worse off.

On the plus side, at least you say this lady is nice. If she is nice, she would definitely say yabu, and her life isnt so perfect but yes she is grateful for what good fortune she has.

Be proud of what you've survived and what you have achieved. It's not nothing, and your kids will grow up with a mum who is their refuge and anchor.

I know this woman @Winecurestiredness , she had two kids young and then when she was pregnant with her third she got diagnosed with cancer. Unfortunately the baby died shortly after birth and whilst dealing with that grief she had to undergo arduous cancer treatment. They never thought she'd survive but she did.
It's a few years down the line and despite everything she's been through, including being a carer for her son who has autism (she had also been a young carer for her brother with autism) she's now applying to college to do an access course.

I know she doesn't think it, but she's so incredibly strong to have kept fighting through all her challenges. I only wish she could see it and value herself more

I voted YABU but actually I think I should comment too. You’ve been through some incredibly difficult experiences OP and I’m sure you have coped with those as best you can. Life can be tough sometimes, in fact, life can be tough a lot of the time and that can be exhausting. It could help if you talked to a professional about your feelings. Please try not to compare yourself to others - I know that’s easier said than done. ( I do it and I try to remember the things I should be grateful for and that you never really know what’s going on In someone’s personal or working life. Most people have something they struggle with, even those with ‘perfect lives’. Be kind to you and imagine how you’d talk to a friend in your situation). Good luck on your course x

Like many others have said OP, you are a survivor! Try and turn things on their head and look for the silver lining rather than the negatives.
You are alive! You beat cancer and can watch your children grow up - many aren’t that lucky. You are a mum to two beautiful children - many can’t have children. You have a partner who hopefully respects and cherishes you.
I’m sure any other worries you have can be helped if you try and think more positively. You have had a really rough ride so take it slowly. Find some self-love first and honestly you will feel so much better.

You don't get a range rover on a nurse's salary - not with 4 DCs
Perhaps they will fall out and divorce
No point thinking about how much she has - it might be a front

Own of the mums at DS1’s school actually said to me once that she wished she had my perfect life.

It was about five years ago, she’s come over with maybe eight or so other mums for us all to help prepare for a PTA event that we were al helping with. She made really positive comments about the house, my job, my husband, my eldest (who was at school with her son), the decor etc. She compared it to her home, that she didn’t have a job (but was volunteering and training), they had just the one child etc.

But my youngest was being investigated for autism, at 3yo, which was then diagnosed as he turned 4yo. He had very little receptive or expressive language at that time and life was a huge challenge. He has autism, learning difficulties (low IQ), sensory issues, a food intake disorder and huge, huge issues around rigidity and control. It is unlikely that he will ever live independently and will need lifelong care and support.

I suppose what I’m saying is that, to her, my life was perfect. But it absolutely wasn’t, and I would trade the house, car, job etc - everything - for my youngest not to be in the position he is in and with the knock on effects that has for me, DH and our eldest. Everyone has difficulties, some just aren’t apparent to others.