to feel sad i didnt get this life

[Winecurestiredness]

There is a lovely lady at my DSs school that has the life i dreamed of as a young girl. She is a respected nurse, 3 lovely children and baby number 4 on the way, so pretty and so nice too...lovely house, a range rover, husband etc.

I am a SAHM that lives in a council house. Long story short. I had DS1 at 19, then DS2 at 23....just as i put DS2 into childminders to go back to college i found out i was pregnant with DS3. Sadly i was also diagnosed with Non Hodgkin Lymphoma a type of cancer. My dreams were destroyed at 24. My DS3 died 7 hours after he was born due to oxygen starvation at birth. Then i was forced to go through a stem cell/bone marrow transplant....i was not expected to survive. i did. but sadly i am now Infertile....i became infertile at just 25. Recovery after cancer isnt like you see in the magazines. you dont feel like running a marathon and being superwoman by 1 year post treatment. I have been so dissapointed in myself. Flash forward 3 years and i am a SAHM that drinks wine in the evenings so i can sleep without anxiety attacks. I am on 200mgs of antidepressants. I have applied to study an access course at college, i am greatful i am here to look after my two boys but i keep comparing myself to these 'perfect' mums at the school gate. It doesnt help that DS1 also has autism, i am his carer, in fact i was also a young carer for my brother as a child due to my mum working full time and his own autism.

So yeah im dissapointed in myself and how pathetic i am. Sometimes i ache so much for DS3, for another baby to take the pain away, so i drink when DS1 finally goes to bed because i have no social life, no sex life with Dh due to my menopause, no career to keep me busy, no childcare that would take DS1, i live on £67 per week because i feel bad enough that DH pays the bills so i dont want to sponge off him for food when i cant even satisfy him in our marriage. I often think it would have been better if i hadnt survived at all because im just a deadweight and a sponger

Thanks so much everyone I have read every single one of your lovely supportive messages and each time I read I realise that I matter too and feel so much more worthy so thankyou

OP you have achieved and endured amazing things in your life. I am sorry for your struggles and you totally deserve a lucky break.

My mum died in her 20s of the same thing, she was pregnant when diagnosed, with me and other siblings all very small, I know how brutal and scary a situation you have been through. Honestly give yourself a massive hug because you are awesome.

www.womens-health-concern.org/help-and-advice/factsheets/cognitive-behaviour-therapy-cbt-menopausal-symptoms/

OP many peri/ menopausal women can develop terrible anxiety.

Oh my goodness you are an awesome young woman. You can be a nurse, an amazing nurse.

Please speak to your medical team and research it online about your suitability for HRT. You have a lot of life to live without hormones. There must be a charity for non Hodgkins that maybe you can speak to? If you’re suitable, go for it. As a PP said some of what you’re describing can be brought about by menopause.

I’m so sorry you feel this way OP. You’ve overcome so much. As others have said, you’re still young enough to go to college etc and live a life you want.

Don’t envy the woman with the Range Rover. Her home life could be truly awful.

Can you access counselling? Talk to someone?

Look after yourself.

In Michelle Obama’s word’s, you matter just because you exist. You bring here for your boys and your husband day in, day out alone is invaluable to them. That’s three precious lives you affect on a daily basis and that’s just considering your own four walls.

OP just think of this. There might be someone at the school gate who sees you and goes home to DP (or not) and says, ‘I saw that amazing mum today, you know the one who has the two lovely boys - one of whom has additional needs- she is so amazing with them, I envy how patient she is. She overcame cancer as well, I think, how incredible is that, I wish I was that resilient’.

You have had a really hard time and I really feel for you. It’s worth remembering though that even people with the ‘perfect life’ outwardly have had bad times.
Eg I’ve a good career, lovely kids, great house etc. Maybe people think it’s all perfect for me. But my ds has a brain tumour and we don’t know what will happen to him long term. He might be ok, he might not. It’s on his brainstem and can’t be removed. It has a cyst in it the size of a pea which runs the risk of a bleed at any time…
Please get some help in real life. Speak to your GP. Try to cut back to drinking which will only make things worse. It’s ok to grieve the things you have lost, it’s only natural. Maybe some counselling would be helpful.
Best wishes

www.daisynetwork.org/
This charity has support for women with early menopause, apologies if it’s already been mentioned I haven’t rtft

Flipping heck, you sound amazing.
I’m sorry you’re not seeing that at the moment

You, my love, are PHENOMENAL!!! You have my full RESPECT and I do not respect many people! You have been through utter hell and you felt brave enough to voice it here.

If you can, STOP, looking at the 'perfect' people. They will have their own shit to deal with at some point.

Think of your strength, your courage, your resilience. You are a survivor and a wonderful woman.
Now go and spread that light you hold. Start your learning again. Hold your beautiful head up high and set your path ablaze!

You are doing so amazingly well!

What are you going to study at Uni? Not sure if you want to be a nurse but you would be brilliant at it as you have so much empathy due to what you have been through.

Just to let you know my DC have a SW and are on a Child in Need plan due to my mental illness. I'm not going to lie it is a pain in the ass sometimes but I have also got a lot of really good help and support too. The SW who you saw doesn't sound good, though - they shouldn't act like that. My DS has Autism too as do I.

You've had such a tough time. You're really strong-- you might not feel it but you are.
Sadly life is bloody unfair and some people have it easy or easier. It makes me sad and bitter too sometimes. But you've got through so much and are doing great-- much more impressive than someone jst coasting through life.

You have YOUR life, you have YOUR DH and YOUR DCs, comparing ourselves to others to others does your MH no good. Like others have said behind closed doors things happen we don’t see. I think you need to speak to your Dr and be honest about your drinking and your feelings they are obviously causing you issues. Perhaps you need talking therapy to deal with the feelings you are living with every day. It’s hard to be honest at first but it can work

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Things will get better for you, you just have to believe in yourself.I married young and had 3 children in 2.5 years . No illness but my husband had a low paid job and I couldn't work cos we weren't able to afford childcare for 3 .
I felt similar to you. Felt guilty spending any of my husbands wages on myself so seldom bought new clothes , shoes etc.
When the children were all in primary school I got low paid part time work in a hospital. After a few years I applied to train as a nurse and was accepted . By my late 30s my life had changed completely. Children were young adults . My husband got a management position and we had a lovely house , Caribbean holidays and were very happy .
Keep taking your medication and do any courses that you can get on . Cherish the children that you have . Your time will come x x

OP, I understand. I was also diagnosed with cancer whilst pregnant. It was like a bomb went off and just broke everything. There is literally no aspect of my life that has been unaffected by the diagnosis, and the treatment, and the recovery process. And part of the struggle is that the life I should have had is so close I can taste it. The only thing that has separated me from that life is a cell - one single fucking cell - that couldn't control itself, and the torment of that is maddening. Sometimes, in an idle moment, it hits me all over again, and the frustration and helplessness leave me breathless. I can imagine that you feel the same when you see this woman who has what you thought would be yours.

I don't know how to fix that. I don't know how to accept my situation. Mainly I try to stay busy enough that I don't think about it too often. But I'm not disappointed with myself, and you shouldn't be disappointed with yourself either. It's a rough hand to be dealt, and there is a lot of trauma to be processed. Give yourself the time to do that, and treat yourself with the same kindness that you would treat a friend going through this.

One thing I have learnt over the years is that it isn't having another baby or a better job etc that will make you happy. You need to find that happiness within yourself other wise when you achieve said things you will still be unhappy as the goal post will just move so to speak. I can understand things havnt worked out as you planned and ofcourse it's beyond heartbreaking to suffer such a loss also but you are doing an amazing job as a mumma and your little people look up to you as their entire world. I hope you find your happiness xxx

I’ve lost a baby just after birth and I totally get what you mean about aching for that baby. I think about having another baby all the time. It’s so incredibly hard to deal with this kind of loss. I’ll be your friend. Message me. We can be lonely together

OP, you've had a hell of a time, and I am sorry you lost your third baby.
I am guessing you are still young -- maybe 28 or 29? Please take heart. You have your darling little ones. Job done, tick. And you've had an early path through the tough stuff that some of us oldie Gen X folks have endured in our 30s, 40s and 50s. So chalk it up and put it in your past while not forgetting the value of that experience.
You have a HUGE career advantage now -- you've had your kids and are ready to scope the job market as it is right now, and prepare for it. You have no idea what lies ahead, and that's the exciting thing. There's so much to learn and explore.
Your libido will come back -- this may be hard to imagine when you have small kids to care for, but it will. Youth is on your side.
FWIW, I am 55 and a student nurse. I'm fit, healthy and ready for whatever my second career throws at me. You can do this too.

Sorry OP, just re-read and noted you are menopausal -- so obvs not late 20s. Hell, what better age to get your career happening? In middle age we are worldly wise, experienced and compassionate. Society needs us. If you want to be a nurse, now is the time.
Get going. Don't look back.