to feel sad i didnt get this life

[Winecurestiredness]

There is a lovely lady at my DSs school that has the life i dreamed of as a young girl. She is a respected nurse, 3 lovely children and baby number 4 on the way, so pretty and so nice too...lovely house, a range rover, husband etc.

I am a SAHM that lives in a council house. Long story short. I had DS1 at 19, then DS2 at 23....just as i put DS2 into childminders to go back to college i found out i was pregnant with DS3. Sadly i was also diagnosed with Non Hodgkin Lymphoma a type of cancer. My dreams were destroyed at 24. My DS3 died 7 hours after he was born due to oxygen starvation at birth. Then i was forced to go through a stem cell/bone marrow transplant....i was not expected to survive. i did. but sadly i am now Infertile....i became infertile at just 25. Recovery after cancer isnt like you see in the magazines. you dont feel like running a marathon and being superwoman by 1 year post treatment. I have been so dissapointed in myself. Flash forward 3 years and i am a SAHM that drinks wine in the evenings so i can sleep without anxiety attacks. I am on 200mgs of antidepressants. I have applied to study an access course at college, i am greatful i am here to look after my two boys but i keep comparing myself to these 'perfect' mums at the school gate. It doesnt help that DS1 also has autism, i am his carer, in fact i was also a young carer for my brother as a child due to my mum working full time and his own autism.

So yeah im dissapointed in myself and how pathetic i am. Sometimes i ache so much for DS3, for another baby to take the pain away, so i drink when DS1 finally goes to bed because i have no social life, no sex life with Dh due to my menopause, no career to keep me busy, no childcare that would take DS1, i live on £67 per week because i feel bad enough that DH pays the bills so i dont want to sponge off him for food when i cant even satisfy him in our marriage. I often think it would have been better if i hadnt survived at all because im just a deadweight and a sponger

You are absolutely not a sponger or a deadweight! You have been through hell and understandably the horrendous things you have been through have left their mark. And the two most traumatic events in your life were completely out of your control, but you sound as though you are blaming yourself. Most people would be completely floored by what you have been through, and all at such a young age. I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby.

Would it help if you had a positive path forward to focus on? Firstly I would see your GP about maybe getting some bereavement counselling. I know that it can't change what has happened but you might find it helps you to cope better and find some peace of mind going forward.

Secondly what more could be done to help you with your menopause symptoms - because I will bet there is more out there that could be done for you, whether it's medication or diet changes, that might improve how you are feeling physically, even if it's small steps to begin with. What has your GP suggested? Are they helping you or have you been left to get on with it alone?

What is the different life you are dreaming of in terms of home/money etc? If you could start all over again what would you like to have done? Is there something you could study for, qualifications you could get that would put you on the path to a better life? Even distance learning so you can study around your children from home? I did this when my DD was small and now I'm a freelance illustrator, so it can work depending on what you are interested in. Or could you start your own small business from home, something that gives you a sense of purpose and extra income that is flexible around your family? It does depend how tired you are physically as you recover from your cancer treatment, and only you can say how much you feel you are able to take on, but I think you are feeling so so low that you can't see the wood for the trees or a way forward. But even small positive steps can make a difference and you can build on them. Your negative view of yourself is totally undeserved - things have happened to you, you didn't cause them. And as others have said, plenty of people seem to have a perfect life on the surface but I garantee they will have problems and fears that you don't know about. Be kind to yourself. Is your husband supportive of you? What are his thoughts on the situation?

So sorry for your loss and your troubles. In the kindest way possible though, yabu. You are about as far from pathetic as a person can be. You've held yourself and your family together. You've suffeted the worst of losses and survived. You came back from the brink of death yourself. And here you are, still looking after your family, being a parent, wife, carer, and thinking about taking on studies too. You're amazing. Someone once said to me that the grass is only greener when it gets more water. It always stuck with me- you deserve for your grass to be watered- if the course will bring happiness, go for it. What else can you do to carve out joy for yourself, even small things?
Re money- if your husband is a decent person he'll want you to have sufficient money to look after yourself properly too. Also, are you sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to, including carers allowance, pip etc?
Finally, try not to compare- you'll only ever see part of other people's lives, not the full picture - what seems perfect may be anything but, honest!

The first thing you need to do is stop labelling yourself as pathetic.

Life is a very complex set of events, and whilst we can influence some things, the vast majority of events are completely out of our control.

Life can deal some horrible blows and leave you feeling terribly depressed, but it's not an indication of you being pathetic.

Sometimes, getting through days can be an endurance test. Others might seem to have no worries, and sail through life without a problem. That is rarely the reality though.

I would say the vast majority of us live a life different to how we imagined. It shouldn't make us unhappy though. Most of our lives are far from perfect (if such a life exists). But it's the imperfections that make our lives unique. Value your loved ones, and try (if you can) to see ways in which you have positives. Children who love you, a roof over your head, genuine friends...

Tomorrow really can be a little better if you start to address your thinking. You're not pathetic, you are human. You might feel pathetic, but it doesn't make it true.

You've already started to talk about it by posting here - so there's your first step forward.

I don’t want to sound patronising, but you are still very young and the life you have now will not be the life you are always destined to have

You are only seeing the bits of her life that you want to see.
How do you know she isn't drowning in self loathing?

Please don't compare yourself to anyone else!! You are a SURVIVOR! You just keep doing the best you can and focus your energy on living your best life rather than worrying about what other people have. Trust me, things are never as good as they seem!! The stories I have heard about what really goes in with these "perfect families" make me grateful for my own imperfect life. Also, I'm so sorry about the loss of your son, that must be very difficult. Big hugs xx

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Don’t compare yourself to others. Try to focus on what’s good in your own life. Think about how well you’ve done just to get this far with the lot you were dealt. Think of small things you could do to make it even better. Stop saying horrible things about yourself, instead, re-read what you have written as if it were written by someone else, and consider how you would respond to that person. Often we find that we would NEVER be as unkind and unfair to other people as we are to ourselves. Treat yourself with compassion and understanding, as you would with a friend.

I am aware that my life looks perfect to others but they REALLY don’t know anything. (Eg. I will probably never achieve my full potential in terms of a career due to crippling depression but I am starting to accept that). I do the best I can in the circumstances. It’s all anybody can do.

You are amazing! You have been through so much and you are a survivor- I think that is huge.

You are only 25 and there is still so much time to achieve what you want to.

I worry about you thinking you are sponging off your husband- you are supposed to be a partnership.

Have you spoken to a counsellor? Would it be good to start some therapy to help you start to live the life you want to live. You can if you want train to be whatever career you want- it’s never too late.

I wish you the very best

You sound like you’re doing great! Although I do worry who’s put the idea that you’re a sponger into your head. Is it your husband?

I used to be so jealous of a colleague who was perfect. She was absolutely pristine, perfect hair, the clearest skin and the perfect neat body. She had a famous husband (of the level that might go on I’m - Celeb for example) and 2 perfect, bright, sporty boys. She had a beautiful house and even smelled amazing! But I also overheard (not evesdropping) her complaining about the lack of help from her husband and their money worries. He ended up cheating on her and now they are divorced. I didn’t wish anything bad on her, she was a lovely person but it just shows that nobody has the perfect life.

@Ravenspeckingearly

I’m sorry for your difficulties. There is no such thing as a perfect mum or a perfect person. I’ve been told before I have a perfect life. No one at work or at school knows what goes on behind our front door......our life is so far from perfect. ‘Perfect’ people commit suicide every single day. Concentrate on yourself and your own life. You are doing great

This!

Oh and yes you are still too young to think like that. At 28 I literally had nothing. Could hardly afford the rent on 1 room in somebody else’s horrible little terrace house, regularly ran out of money and couldn’t buy food. At 35 I am the most comfortable financially that I have ever been. Things change in ways you can’t predict!

You poor thing. Your post makes me so sad.

You've been through so much OP. You're not pathetic - you have survived cancer and you endured a huge amount of trauma.

Can you talk to your husband about getting help? Or have you a friend or maybe your GP? Maybe see if you can go to counselling, and down the line you can look at training or going back to work.

I think it's normal for someone who has endured what you have to feel bad, but a good counsellor can help you through that. They might also help you with your alcohol consumption if you are concerned about it.

You have 2 children and a husband - your life may seem bad now but with a bit of work and support you can change things so quickly. You're very young!

I hope that you can get the support you need and that you see that you are a fantastic strong woman who needs a bit of help at the moment. Wishing you the very best xx

OP (psychotherapist here) I think you need to seek some help for your grief, the loss of your lovely baby, being denied getting pregnant again, some help to (healthily) mourn the life you’d hoped for. It’ll be hard and painful work, but I promise you it’ll be worth it

Be kind to yourself, you’ve been through two life experiences that nobody should have to endure. You’re young, you have time to carve out a meaningful life, but first you must work through your painful losses
Sending love

YABU to think that you're a "dead weight" you've been through so much and you're still caring for your autistic child.

You need to tell your husband how you feel so he can support you.

They not to compare to the "perfect mum", you really don't know what goes on in people's lives. I used to be so jealous of a friend of mine who seemed to have such a lovely house, wealthy husband etc etc. It turned out the DH was an awful cheat and left her and she had to move into a tiny house with her DD...

Bloody hell woman. I am more in awe of you than anyone else I know in real life and from the replies you can see everyone else is too.

Yes it’s shit you don’t have the material things and losing my son after birth at 18 weeks I understand the pain and void that no child will ever replace. You’ve also been through a lot with your health and yet you’re standing, taking care of your two boys. Life is very unfair, I’ve stopped believing in karma. It’s all luck.

You are the try superwoman in my eyes. I’m sorry if this doesn’t help you and I understand if you just want to rant - please go ahead this is what this forum is for. But please don’t beat yourself down too much bcos you are incredible.

OP have you had counselling post cancer? A large proportion of cancer patients experience depression and anxiety following recovery/remission and feel like you do. I would try and contact macmillan if you can as they can support.

You sound amazing OP, you have survived a great deal and are still showing up as a mum, carer and wife despite being in a great deal of pain. Nobody's life is perfect and comparing yourself to others is the theif of joy. Start the access course, try and make some time for self care and do something you enjoy Atleast once a week. You've got this!

I didn't vote because I wanted to say YANBU for feeling sad about your life in comparison to this woman's, but I also wanted to say YABVU for feeling pathetic and calling yourself a sponger.

You've had a lot of terrible things happen to you. Imagine how you'd feel about someone else in the same situation - you'd want to reach out to her, wouldn't you? Be as kind to yourself as you would be to that person.

You have your whole life ahead of you, OP. Nothing is finalised yet! And one advantage of having children young, is you are still young enough to enjoy your growing independence as they grow.

Good luck for the next 60 years, I hope all your dreams come true xx

There is no rhyme or reason to why some people have more charmed lives than others, but all lives have difficult patches.
I am so sorry for everything you have been through. Are you getting medical help for your premature menopause? Because you are so young to give up on a sex life due to the physical consequences. Have you had any grief counselling or counselling to help deal with the shock of cancer and infertility? You are struggling and so could do with some more support by the sound of it. You have everything to be proud of, you have been a young carer and you are now a mother of two and parenting a child with autism. Caring for children is not being a “sponger” !! Your role is the key thing that holds the household together and allows your DH to have a career.

OP, you sound awesome and so inspiring. Perhaps life isn’t what you expected right now, but it sounds like you’re working hard to turn things around and who knows where you’ll be in a few years? Good luck with everything going forward.

Thankyou so much for your very, very kind replies. I am so glad that I can talk so freely about my feelings on here, because honestly I can't talk to anyone IRL. I have this fear of having social services involved so I'm not very open about my depression etc..I had an SW come into my home once while DH was at work because I broke down in tears at a teenage cancer Trust event a week prior (this was pre pandemic).they looked in our fridge and asked my DSs intrusive questions like "does your mummy play with you?" "Does she remember to read to you It?" It really hurt. Thankfully they saw sense and never came back. But I could never cope with that sort of intrusion ever again. I felt like I was no good as a mum. My DH is lovely, but he is in a lot of debt from borrowing money for his car, credit cards, renting our flat before we got onto the council list (and this only happened because I couldn't walk up stairs so needed a bungalow) and can't afford to support both me and DCs, so he gets DCs food and I buy both mid week top up shop for DCs and myself to ease the pressure on him. The sex thing I feel guilty about because at the moment all I can cope with is non penetrative..we talked about it last week and he says he is fine with it. Again it's just my insecurity. When I see a pregnant women I look at her and think oh look she can do what I find painful and unbearable..maybe my DH would prefer a woman that isn't broken like I am

Awh OP you really need to cut yourself some slack. Life sounds incredibly tough for you at the moment so it’s ok to be down about that. Try and do one think every day that’s just for you and make a point of smiling at something/anything once a day. It will lift your mood. Honestly I think your amazing to of gone through all of that and still be standing. Dare I say it was lucky you had the kids so young or cancer may of robbed you of the chance to be a mother. Life just isn’t fair sometimes but things will improve for you, nothing is ever permanent and your still so young. It would help you to talk to someone IRL.
Hope you feel better soon

I’m really sorry for your loss and all that you’ve been through. You’ve had it rough Stop calling yourself a dead weight and a sponger! You are neither of those things.

On paper this school mum has everything but things are rarely what they seem. Forget about her, she’s probably got her own story.

My life wasn’t very exciting (it wasn’t bad, just going nowhere, doing nothing and unhappy with my lot in life)so I changed it. Doing an access course was a massive turning point in my life. Lots of changes came from it. My life isn’t perfect but it’s definitely easier and more exciting than it was.

Have you had any counselling post cancer or post the loss of your little one?

That sucks. I have similar circumstances. Honestly, I avoid people who cause pain when possible. Just swerve whenever possible. I'm sorry. You're not alone.