to feel sad i didnt get this life

[Winecurestiredness]

There is a lovely lady at my DSs school that has the life i dreamed of as a young girl. She is a respected nurse, 3 lovely children and baby number 4 on the way, so pretty and so nice too...lovely house, a range rover, husband etc.

I am a SAHM that lives in a council house. Long story short. I had DS1 at 19, then DS2 at 23....just as i put DS2 into childminders to go back to college i found out i was pregnant with DS3. Sadly i was also diagnosed with Non Hodgkin Lymphoma a type of cancer. My dreams were destroyed at 24. My DS3 died 7 hours after he was born due to oxygen starvation at birth. Then i was forced to go through a stem cell/bone marrow transplant....i was not expected to survive. i did. but sadly i am now Infertile....i became infertile at just 25. Recovery after cancer isnt like you see in the magazines. you dont feel like running a marathon and being superwoman by 1 year post treatment. I have been so dissapointed in myself. Flash forward 3 years and i am a SAHM that drinks wine in the evenings so i can sleep without anxiety attacks. I am on 200mgs of antidepressants. I have applied to study an access course at college, i am greatful i am here to look after my two boys but i keep comparing myself to these 'perfect' mums at the school gate. It doesnt help that DS1 also has autism, i am his carer, in fact i was also a young carer for my brother as a child due to my mum working full time and his own autism.

So yeah im dissapointed in myself and how pathetic i am. Sometimes i ache so much for DS3, for another baby to take the pain away, so i drink when DS1 finally goes to bed because i have no social life, no sex life with Dh due to my menopause, no career to keep me busy, no childcare that would take DS1, i live on £67 per week because i feel bad enough that DH pays the bills so i dont want to sponge off him for food when i cant even satisfy him in our marriage. I often think it would have been better if i hadnt survived at all because im just a deadweight and a sponger

You need to access counselling or some kind of mental health support, because the way you see yourself and your life is not the actual truth. You seem to have twisted all this negativity around you into ‘this is all I’m good for’. Not sure if it would help you to know, but I almost died from non-Hodgkin lymphoma, stage 4B in my early twenties too. I spent a year having chemotherapy, radiotherapy, only to be told I was left infertile, which broke me more than being told I had cancer in the first place. I struggled with crippling anxiety and panic attacks in the first year after my remission, and struggled desperately to get my life and career back.

20 years later, I have two gorgeous daughters, a husband, a big house in the country and a lovely life. Not a perfect life, but I am happy and content. You, I think, are currently ‘too close to the problem’ to be able to see clearly, but with time and perspective (and please, please, please some counselling) you’ll realise your value, I promise.

I did an access course in my 20s after a series of different but difficult hardships. I went on to get a first degree and am now an NHS scientist.

Life is hard and unfair. But you can make of it what you want. Its not too late. Believe in yourself and the rest will follow. Best of luck returning to study.

Maybe talking with someone from the Lullaby Trust www.lullabytrust.org.uk/bereavement-support/ would help?

Or reaching out to www.cancercare.org/tagged/post-treatment_survivorship

And maybe try support groups or charities for support with your eldest?

You are so down on yourself, yet you're amazing - you've been a young carer, you are a carer for your SN child, you've survived cancer and have been so through so much. I'm so sorry about dc3.

Yes I do definitely want to get some counselling. Pandemic put that on hold...but now that in-person cancer reviews are happening again I have been talking a little bit about my feelings with my macmillan nurse and haematologist. They did say that they can refer me to their counsellor on the unit it is just a waiting game now as with so much backlog due to covid..

I have social anxiety and am generally very introverted and shy, I don't have friends at the moment but I'm really hoping that will change once I meet people on the access course

Having a serious illness is soul destroying, I have been there and lost the career I loved. I had therapy to come to terms with this loss, it did also bring up other stuff but was worth it. The physical relationship side, I was in massive amounts of pain for a while and in agony. I remember really worrying about not being able to have a physical relationship. You have talked about it and that’s good, keep talking.

Sending love.

Also, try to stop the booze - I know it helps you sleep, but it exacerbates low mood and anxiety, so you end up in a spiral.

Maybe the doctor could prescribe a sleeping tablet or you could look at herbal remedies/other strategies to help you sleep?

It sound so tough for you op and you really have been through the mill. But do not assume other peoples lives are perfect from what you see in public. No one knows what is going on behind closed doors.

What a lot for you to cope with in a short space of time. You have done so well to get through all of those challenges, whilst being a parent too. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby and your illness, it's no wonder you feel as you do.

I can only echo what PP have said. Counselling would be helpful, although I know there's a huge wait. Can you do any online counselling programmes in the meantime?

I did an Access course around the same age, and it was fab. It opened doors for me , I made friends and gave me a new zest for life. You should be proud of yourself for doing it, for yourself and your family and your future.

Ah OP, you never know what's really going on in people's lives. And even if everything is rosy for them today - it might not be tomorrow. I'm thinking of someone who might appear like the nurse you describe on the outside, but actually she had a lot of trauma in her younger life and then one day out of the blue her healthy, high-earning husband died of septicimeia (sp?). There are no perfect lives.

You're in danger of becomming a self-fulfilling prophecy. You need to turn the glass half empty into the glass half full. You have so much to be proud of. See the joy in the small stuff, stop sweating the big stuff.

One thing that really, really helped me was asking my children every evening to tell me 3 good things that had happened that day. I then shared my good stuff. When you see it from the perspective of small children - icecream at tea, they got their spellings correct etc. - it does help centre you a bit.

And life can change in an instant. The problem is if you're so down and negative, you will miss the positive and the opportunity to build on that. Being grateful for what we do have, not what we don't, is a great starting point.

You are carrying heavy bags

Grief
Cancer
Caring

But comparisons with someone won’t help

You are clearly depressed and getting over it isn’t easy
But you surprised , and you deserve to be happier

I don’t know what to say , only that you deserve happiness and you have survived a lot x
And don’t dwell on others

i feel bad enough that DH pays the bills so i dont want to sponge off him for food

You and your DH have two children together, one of which needs a lot of extra attention. You are currently sharing two jobs between you - one is looking after your children during the day, and the other is earning money during the day. You aren't "sponging" off him, you are contributing AT LEAST equally to the marriage.

You've had a really, really rough ride, and been through the worst any mother can live through - the loss of one of your own beloved children. You survived that, and your own serious illness, and you are still caring for your two lovely living children. Give yourself some credit. I think you deserve a bit of kindness, especially from yourself.

I used to know this really lovely mum. They were exceedingly wealthy Sunday Times Rich listers etc she had huge lovely houses (note “houses” in the multiples, genuine famous masterpieces on the walls cars swimming pools etc she admitted she wanted for nothing. One day out of the blue she broke down and told me he DH was having a long term affair and she was a victim of DV.
Another very wealthy friend lives in a stately home which she loathes with a passion she spends her life cutting ribbons unveiling plaques and sun opening new wings of zoos or pressing the flesh of the great and good at various VIP functions. She also owns a bog standard 1939’s semi in a not very popular seaside resort which she goes to three weeks a year only there is she really able to be herself and happy

Also, step outside of yourself for a minute -

If you knew someone in your position who had been through so much, would you think "god she's so pathetic?" and judge her so harshly and rip her down? I don't think you would.

Be a friend to yourself. You deserve to give yourself at least the kindness you would bestow on others.

Ohhh this is definitely a depressed brain talking to you. I’ve been there myself had a brilliant career and it was utterly obliterated by anxiety and OCD. I lost everything.. I sometimes really beat myself up about it but I have decided I’m going to slowly do small things to work towards my dream life again.. it’s never never too late. Do you get support from other people so you have time for yourself. I really think you should talk to your DH. This again I think is your anxious mind throwing things at you. It’s time to start moulding life so it works in your favour and shift blocks around to give yourself some gaps for light of hope.. the more you do these small things to fill your bucket the more you can travel towards a life you want. It’s not about the destination it’s about the journey and wherever you are on that journey you are exactly where you are supposed to be. I think you are amazing to have got through what you did. Just think how you and your body got you through that horrible horrible disease!
You must reach out and talk to people when you feel like you do now.. well done for coming here because we can all help and can repeatedly help and support you because that horrible depressed mind will make you believe those thoughts and they simply aren’t true. It’s never ever too late xxxxx

@OlympicProcrastinator

so i dont want to sponge off him for food when i cant even satisfy him in our marriage

This really stood out for me OP. Are you struggling to eat? Does your OH provide food? Is he calling you a sponger? Is there something more going on here within the relationship?

It stood out for me too.

The OP is a carer for her autistic child. Carers' Allowance is £67, the amount she mentions. Unfortunately, quite a few people take the view that "Anybody can be a carer, it's not exactly difficult" or "That's not an actual job." The OH might or might not be one of those people.

Being a carer for a sick or disabled relative is likely to much harder than most actual jobs. It's often round the clock and, unlike most actual jobs, you don't have colleagues alongside you who can share the load. Being a carer is often socially very isolating. Also, sad to say, professionals involved with the sick or disabled person (doctors, social workers, etc) are wont to talk down to carers. But yes, extraordinarily, carers for relatives are often perceived as spongers.

I'm sorry for all your troubles, Winecure. I don't want to give you cliches. There's no quick fix. But you are absolutely not a sponger or a deadweight!

I have 4 children, a good job, a nice house, look generally cheerful and run sometimes after drop off so I may be that lady, but I suffered a miscarriage after my 2nd, had aggressive cancer when my youngest was tiny and pretty much feel like throwing up every day because of fear of it coming back. I really feel sorry for you and sending you a big hug but if you scratch below the surface you’ll find most people have issues, traumas, dissatisfaction about aspects of their lives. I know it’s really hard, but try to focus on the positives in your life, there may be someone at the school gate looking at you with envy, you never know xx

Also.. Try not to panic about where you are give yourself some time! There’s no urgency with working towards your goals and values. Also well done for recognising where you are and where you want to be.. :):):) xxx

Ps I’ve had two lots of counselling on the NHS and it really did help me, ask your doctor or local hospital xxx

You sound amazing! Honestly, please please be kind to yourself. I bet you would be angry if you heard a friend say this about themself, so please don't say these things about yourself.

Look what you've lived through and you're still here, still being a mum. What your body has done is nothing short of a miracle. You've brought new life into the world and survived.

Can you try to speak to your GP? If possible I think counselling could help a lot.

Please try to remember the incredible things your body has achieved. No-one has a perfect life. What we see is what others want us to see - not the crappy stuff. For all you know this nurse's husband could have cheated and perhaps she's had miscarriages, lost family close to her etc. You just don't know.

Focus on what could make YOU smile, something little to make you happy. It doesn't need to cost, just a little nice thing you'll promise to yourself you'll do today.

You've jumped over so many hurdles and you've a lot to live for. The past does not dictate the future.

I wish you a lot of happiness in your and your family's future 🥰

OP, I used to know a woman who was gorgeous looking, had a fantastic job, was able to work part time as her husband earnt a very high wage. She has lots of friends, nice holidays, dressed well, a clever and popular child and a lovely nanny to look after him.
Yet she was revealed to have been cheating on her husband who everyone thought she was crazy in love with. She now lives in a small and cramped flat, has had to cut back her spending completely and had therapy to address her mental health.
All that glitters is not gold. You sound amazing. Stop comparing yourself to someone's highlight reel x

I think many people will admire your courage, and when they reflect on life, think how amazing it would be to be a courageous, dedicated mother. They'd probably like to know they have your strength, so keep on being as strong as you can.

Goodness, you have had a really tough time. Heartbreaking to lose a baby, and even more so to then lose the chance to have any more. I hope you can get some happiness and consolation in your living children.
Having cancer, dealing with the effects of the treatment, coping with your grief and managing your home and children must have been very difficult, and I think you need to be kind to yourself. You've said that recovery was not as quick or as straightforward as some people think it is, and it sounds as if you are still not 100%.
You should be able to get help for the early menopause - I don't know enough about it to say whether that is HRT or something else- but get the advice of your GP or consult MacMillan nurses.
I'm guessing you are having to manage the DC while DH is working even though you are still not fully recovered, and with an autistic child, that is going to be very demanding. I don't know if there is an active HomeStart group in your area, but it might be worth checking, to get a little extra support.
I hope DH is kind to you, and that it's not him making you feel guilty for not working. You are married, you have a duty to each other, it is his job to make sure you are fed and looked after. Especially while you re unwell and looking after his children.
Give yourself a break, you wouldn't be so hard on anyone else.
You are young, there are years ahead of you in which to train for a career of your choice, and it will be much easier as the boys get older.
You say you are drinking (too much?) to help with the grief and unhappiness.. as you've discovered, this won't make you fell any better.
Can you cut back/stop drinking by yourself? Maybe you might need help with that?

Practically go back to GP and demand help for menopause symptoms