to feel sad i didnt get this life

[Winecurestiredness]

There is a lovely lady at my DSs school that has the life i dreamed of as a young girl. She is a respected nurse, 3 lovely children and baby number 4 on the way, so pretty and so nice too...lovely house, a range rover, husband etc.

I am a SAHM that lives in a council house. Long story short. I had DS1 at 19, then DS2 at 23....just as i put DS2 into childminders to go back to college i found out i was pregnant with DS3. Sadly i was also diagnosed with Non Hodgkin Lymphoma a type of cancer. My dreams were destroyed at 24. My DS3 died 7 hours after he was born due to oxygen starvation at birth. Then i was forced to go through a stem cell/bone marrow transplant....i was not expected to survive. i did. but sadly i am now Infertile....i became infertile at just 25. Recovery after cancer isnt like you see in the magazines. you dont feel like running a marathon and being superwoman by 1 year post treatment. I have been so dissapointed in myself. Flash forward 3 years and i am a SAHM that drinks wine in the evenings so i can sleep without anxiety attacks. I am on 200mgs of antidepressants. I have applied to study an access course at college, i am greatful i am here to look after my two boys but i keep comparing myself to these 'perfect' mums at the school gate. It doesnt help that DS1 also has autism, i am his carer, in fact i was also a young carer for my brother as a child due to my mum working full time and his own autism.

So yeah im dissapointed in myself and how pathetic i am. Sometimes i ache so much for DS3, for another baby to take the pain away, so i drink when DS1 finally goes to bed because i have no social life, no sex life with Dh due to my menopause, no career to keep me busy, no childcare that would take DS1, i live on £67 per week because i feel bad enough that DH pays the bills so i dont want to sponge off him for food when i cant even satisfy him in our marriage. I often think it would have been better if i hadnt survived at all because im just a deadweight and a sponger

I’m really sorry that life is so hard OP.
Please remember that no one has a perfect life. Everyone has gone through a season of sadness, grief and brokenness. Some people still have it to come. Your life will turn around, keep positive and put one foot in front of the next, take it a day at a time.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your DS3, that would be hard enough to endure even without the cancer and subsequent menopause/infertility.

I totally get how you are envious of that woman's life, I sometimes come across people like that too and feel that my own life is wholly lacking compared to theirs. Probably you if I met you, a young mother as I had my children later and feel like an old granny.

You are a survivor though, you have plans for a brighter future via education and can, quite rightly, be proud of yourself.

You are NOT pathetic, or a deadweight, or a sponger!!!

You are an individual that has been to hell and back!!!

Why are you comparing yourself to other people when they have not lived your life?

Your continuing strength is something to be proud of! (Even if you do have a nightly drink).

Please be kind to yourself.

Ozanj No need to be so harsh.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You never know what is going on behind closed doors. To use+another cliche, count your blessings.

I”ve just read “The Midnight Library” by Matt Haig. The premise of the book is that that the main character ends up in The Midnight Library’, a place between life and death. By picking up different books, she gets to live the life she could have done if she’d taken another course in life - ie. become an Olympic swimmer, rockstar, perfect family set-up. She experiences the highs and lows in each scenario. It really makes you reflect on your life, and appreciate that life is a journey (sorry, another cliches), and you make it what it is.

OP, you have been through A LOT. Have you had any counselling?

I don't know if it helps, but I had a horrible accident at 25, leaving me with a lifelong disability, lost my first career that I'd trained so long for as I could no longer physically do it. I was then bullied, had depression and PTSD for many many years, then had 2 miscarriages and a baby with special needs, whilst dealing with ongoing chronic health issues.

10+ years later and I am probably one of the people you would look at and envy - big house, high flying career in a different field, happy children, happy marriage. So things did turn around. But at the same time, whilst most people will look and see this 'perfect' life, only my closest friends know that I am in pain every single day, still dream of that life I lost, that I still suffer from anxiety and PTSD, how much I worry about my baby, etc. Overall though, I consider myself lucky.

The things that made a difference for me were -

• specialist counselling
• support from my lovely husband
• support from friends

You are still incredibly young and you've had a truly crap time, but there is still plenty of time for your life to improve. Reach out to people and pursue that counselling.

Sorry for the loss of your DS3 and what you have been through but try not to compare yourself to others unless you know them really well. You don't know what their lives are like really.

DP has a good job and a good wage, we live in a nice house and have good cars. I have a history of severe depression, have been hospitalised, work part time as stress can trigger an episode but most people know nothing about that.

Try to make the best of what you have

Hi doll.... I'm in awe of you... You're amazing
Have you been offered any sort of survivourship programme.... Pre covid survivourship was huge in the oncology world. Also depending on where you are you'd still come under the teenager and young adult area... Do you have a specialist nurse who could help you find support? I'm sure if you had the opportunity to reflect on everything you've been through the drinking may ease then the feelings of self worth may improve... We're in the south and have the wessex cancer Trust... They are amazing... Don't underestimate what you have been through... You have a brilliant future ahead... Just need a few sign posts on how to get there x

I’m really really concerned that OP’s husband doesn’t buy her food! No wonder she feels down on herself if her own husband doesn’t value her enough to feed her.

Twenty years ago I met the love of my life. I felt so blissfully happy with him and we frequently spoke of the life we planned to have together. Then one day he disappeared and I later found out he had married someone else and he was living our dream life with her. I was completely devastated, became depressed and went down a very dark path to try to mask the pain I felt every day. To everyone around me I have a great job, money in the bank, a large house, holidays every year a nice car, designer clothes, a husband I don't love and what might seem to some an ideal life, but I have never gotten over my ex and what happened.
A couple years ago I ran into an old friend who said my ex and his wife are very unhappy together but stay together for the sake of their children. Apparently they had a very public row at another friend's wedding. The wife apparently drinks and is on anti-depressants, he has affairs the wife says she knows about and he works away most of the month. Apparently my ex still talks about me and our old friend said 'he would love to get back in touch with you do you want me to give him your details?'
For 20 years I've wanted him back and a day hasn't gone by when I've not thought of him and the life we had planned but it would now mean breaking up 2 families and I could never trust or forgive him. So I said 'no, don't tell him you've seen me' and every day for the past 2 years I've wondered if I've made the right decision. Inside it's killing me but outside I look very happy and a woman who has it all.

Don't believe everything you see OP. Maybe try counselling to talk through your issues and hopefully your college course will open a lot of doors for you.

OP it sounds like you're doing an amazing job with all the difficulties you're dealing with! If my maths is right you're still very young in the grand scheme of things and you've been through a lot. I've not read the full thread so I don't know what others have suggested but I've heard good things about the young women's trust mentoring. I think you'd really benefit from support for your mental health and a mentor to help you achieve the things you want.

Life is so unfair. Life isn’t perfect. I to dreamed off the perfect career, perfect family, perfect health. I went through chemotherapy at 28
And was told no children so I can’t have any. Before you think about the negatives think about the fact you have 2 kids and can get your life back bit by bit. I’m still ill now as mine can’t be cured .

You sound rather impressive to me actually

OP you're so strong, I can't believe everything you've been through.

What about working as a volunteer with patients in hospital to put your experience to good use?

Op you have been dealt some severe blows in life. Please don't be hard on yourself. You have strength and the ability to still go on, which are attributes that some people don't have. You are still young and life may just very well surprise you with some beautiful experiences later on.

Sounds like you've had a very tough time I'm so sorry for your loss

You not a deadweight sponger, you're a young mum who no doubt works incredibly hard raising your boys.

The college course will make a big difference and will give your confidence a much needed boost. You really shouldn't compare to others, I have the "perfect" life in most people's eyes, but in reality I'm trying to remove myself from a very unhappy marriage and will probably lose all the material items in the process (including the Range Rover - rubbish cars, always breaking in some way or another so don't be fooled by their exterior either )

You're still so young, things will get better!

You sound amazing to be honest. You are not hearing it enough. Seek counciling and give yourself love and grace. Your spirit may have opted this life to level up. Dont look at others. You never know whats happening

OP there is so much that’s gone on in your life for you to unpick, so much scope for things to improve for you and more knowledgeable posters than me will have advice around this

What I came on to say was I have an old school friend who seemingly had it all, 20+ year marriage to a man she adored, footballers type house, numerous luxury holidays with first class travel, 2 kids, menagerie of pets. Her husband committed suicide recently. Her world has crashed. You just never know what someone’s life is really like.

You aren't broken - you're recovering. And you're so young to be have been through so much already.

It sounds as though you have a supportive partner so you are being your biggest enemy at the moment. You must stop saying such destructive things to yourself...you are hurting yourself and you need to drown that mean inner voice out.

Good things that I can see you are doing just from your OP:

1. Bringing up your two children - and one of these with special needs which is extra hard
2. Taking control of your future by enrolling in an Access course - what a fab thing to do
3. Being in a committed relationship and creating a stable family environment for your children.

I wonder if there are a couple of things you could do extra to give yourself a mental boost? What about taking a regular walk for 20 mins, just you, each day where you listen to uplifting music or a podcast? That would be a great habit to get and would give you a boost each day. Also, are you looking after yourself? Showering every day and wearing clean clothes? You really, really need to look after yourself and be kind.

My life imploded when I was 24yrs old. I was left with nothing but my two children. I had to start from scratch - find housing, get a career (and more education), earn more so we could do more things and have nice things. I'm 40 now and I have a stable home, a happy marriage, almost grown-up kids and I feel content. We could always have more but, honestly, I wouldn't see a Range Rover ownership as a life goal...it might be nice for some but it really doesn't mean anything.

In reality your drinking will be exacerbating your problems, but I can see why you are using it as a coping skill with all you have been through. Could you talk to the GP about counselling? That could give you a safe place to work through all these huge issues. Good luck with it.

I am so sorry to read of your tragic loss
of DC3.
But with all you've been through, you deserve to stop punishing yourself.
Please seek therapy. You have been picking yourself apart but now is time to piece yourself back together.
Approach your gp. Talk to your DH. In my experience the benefits of going privately more than outweigh the costs in a time of crisis.
And please stop using terms like sponging.
Caring is still a full time job! Please talk as openly as you have here with your DH . Ask him - if the roles were switched - would he be happy to be a FT carer, be skint, while you sat by comfortably with your wages?!
To me, it seems only right and fair that both parents have access to money, whoever is earning it. If you don't currently pool your incomes, now is the time. You are a family

Honey, how can you be this hard on yourself when you've been heroic? You need to reframe your thoughts in to pride. If I'd been through what you've been through I'd be proud of myself for keeping going. Hell, I'm proud if you.

(There is nothing wrong with living in a council house or not having a dream career or having some wine. For the things you dislike, baby steps to whatever you want but you've achieved alot already so don't pressurise yourself. You don't know about other people's lives but I understand you're projecting.)

OP you've done so well in really difficult circumstances. I think this woman is just someone you've identified as having a lovely life/what you want and I do completely get that. Its hard when you have to see someone every day and think 'why not me'.

But you are clearly young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Things will get better. You are a strong person. You have dealt with some of the saddest things a person can (so so sorry for the death of DC3). Ask for help to cut down the drinking. Prioritise some time for yourself if possible.