What did I do wrong? So upset

[Eatcabbage]

I’m a single parent and going through some really horrible and difficult stuff at the moment.
One of the very few good bits left of my life at the moment are doing nice things for my child.
I’ve recently started taking them for riding lessons in a nearby village, which they love.
Last week, which was the first ride, I went for a walk whilst the ride was out. There is only one route around the village, so I followed along behind for the first minute or two until they trotted off, and then went for a walk on my own.
This week I went to do the same and was loudly told not to, as apparently other parents have complained.
I was totally taken aback and now I’m really really upset. I’ve been made to feel like I’ve done something awful.
I’m struggling not to cry and would rather never go back, but my child was enjoying riding so much and I’ve just paid a lot of money up front for a course of lessons.
Everything else is so tough at the moment. We don’t even have anywhere to live. I’ve had to walk away from our house because of a serious problem neighbour and it has left me feeling suicidal. I really didn’t need this.
I’m not sure what I’m asking.
Maybe what did I do wrong?
Would it be bad to stop my child from going back because of me feeling upset?

How weird! I don't think you've done anything wrong and could see myself doing the same thing!! I'd be pissed off by this.....perhaps ask why they complained as no harm was intended/done.

Hang in there op. It will all come together in time, even if it doesn't feel like that at the moment

I think it was badly handled but you didn't do anything wrong, and its assumed a greater significance because you are feeling really fragile atm.
However, I think you should be brave and try again, as you DC really likes it and keep a low profile if you must. Once you've been back and had a normal day there, it will feel much better
Can you get there early and ask the person in charge what it was that they complained about? But don't bother if you don't feel up to it quite yet. Its probably some daft person who complains about everything and you can safely ignore them.
I hope that you can find some other nice things to do as well so that this outing loses its significance.
Look after yourself and be very kind and non critical of yourself as pp said things will get better with time.

This is where email comes into its own, much less personal.
Just send a quick message to ask what the rules are. Is it okay for you to go for a walk or do you need to wait in the premises. Are you best to allow the ride out first?
Don't mention any incident or upset. Just a bright and breezy check so you do things right.
Then don't think about it again. I agree it may not be you anyone complained about, just people following in general. It may well have been before you even joined

The instructor didn't mind, someone was being an arse. Don't hide or the horrible people win. Hold your head high and keep letting your daughter do what she loves. You're doing great 😊

I’ve been around horses forever and can totally relate.

Fact is some riding school owners are rude and unpleasant. The staff follow their example and talk down to their customers.

I’ve ridden everywhere from rough and ready county stables, horse dealers yards, standard riding schools and a very scary Olympic standard training yard. The rudest establishment was not the Olympic standard one!

What I’m saying is don’t put up with it! You’re the paying customer and should be treated with courtesy. There will be other establishments nearby with far better standards of customers care.

If you go again say you were taken aback at the abrupt tone of communication and politely what the issue was. If you’re met with further rudeness take your business elsewhere.

That’s what I do.

@yellowsubmarines

In my experience, some can be quite arsey with humans. Very shouty, demanding, bossy. For example one had a go at my 8 year old DD for putting a bridle away wrong on a children's horse care course. It was after the course, she caught up to us in the car park shouting the odds. It was the very first session.

Her riding instructors were all quite blunt. For example, if she did something wrong in a lesson they would not hesitate to tell her "That was absolutely terrible."

I really don't know what it is. To a degree when dealing with children they are having to ensure children's safety so I get shouting in that context, but they can be downright rude when it's not needed. I think some people who don't like other people go into animal husbandry jobs to limit their contact with people.

We always walk out with our kiddies while they go for a hack down the road and back. Some parents don’t, some do. It’s been the same at most yards we’ve ridden at. Never mind the other parents; ask what the rules are and then do what’s right for you. Don’t feel intimidated by the other parents.

It sounds like you and your DD had a wonder time so don’t let anyone take that time away from you.

@Weeeeeee

That's an important thing to remember, you are the customer. Often you are made to feel like an inconvenience for bringing your child to a paid lesson.

Ha I was coming on to say horsey people can be rude. Others have beaten me to it.
No idea why as my horsey friends are lovely in the pub. Just I hear ( and my experience as a child) is utter rudeness, no sense of humour and a level of crossness not found in other teaching roles.

You are assuming a lot and reacting to those assumptions, so on that basis YABU and it would be really mean to deny your child the experience because it’s gone wrong for you.

Establish the facts, dust yourself down, hold your head up high and move on.

I’ll warn you now though. The horsey world is so bitchy. My god. My life was miserable when I had hordes on a livery. There is no one in the world as nasty as horse women. Not all obviously. But it’s so well known for being a nasty place.

Wrong yard. Where I have my horse now I have some of the loveliest, most intelligent and interesting conversations I've ever had anywhere. We talk about free will, animal welfare, how the brain functions, which hormones affect stress levels and what on earth is the dog eating this time. Yes, horse women can be mad, but they can also be amazing.

I swear some of these stories are about my old riding instructor. I was in the pony club in my teens and the number of super confident, direct and very sharply spoken women you encounter in these circles is unreal (no offence to the large proportion of Mumsnetters in this category!!). I hated most of every minute of it despite loving horses and riding.

I remember being in a show with my sister once and the judge was barking instructions at her and my sister totally freaked out and ignored everything she was saying and she sidled up to me and said loudly, is your sister DEAF. Haha. We laugh about it now.

It does sound like a misunderstanding. I hope you manage to go next week.

I'm sorry you were too taken aback to ask "Complained about WHAT exactly??" as I am baffled about this. Don't let them spoil your daughter's lessons, you are a great mum taking her.

I am so happy to see so much support for the OP on this thread. I'd begun to think those days were gone.

Oh bless you op. Please don't take this to heart. She may have shouted because she was much further away and not because she was telling you off. And agree that it was probably just one silly parent that complained. She even said she personally didn't mind. I think the other stuff that you are going through is making you feel very fragile. But you didn't do anything wrong.

I had something essentially similar several years ago with a different child activity. I did the 'wrong' thing the first week and was pulled up for it the second, which was mortifying. After a couple of days metaphorically curled in a ball I got myself back and then the next week at drop off turned to the Mum next to me, who was really well turned out and groomed/calm (whereas I'd burned down the road from work, grabbed dd from after school club and barely made it to the activity by the skin of our teeth) and sad 'so,I've been told off for hanging about, is there a secret Mums gymnastics gin club?' Of course there wasn't but we laughed and went for a cake as the pub opened. 15 years later she was my best woman when I married the right husband.

Coke, not cake, but same principle applies!
People are essentially good and our embarrassment is our own. Most normal people are entirely oblivious!

I can be quite self conscious and something like this would upset me too, although probably no one else will even remember it happened by next week.

My advice would be to challenge yourself to rise above it, go back next week with the attitude that you don’t even remember that she shouted at you, it was so insignificant to you that you don’t even care. Wait until they’ve gone, give them five or ten minutes then breezily say to one of the other parents “I need to stretch my legs, I think I’ll go for a walk round the village and back” with a big smile and you’ll feel so in control.

Born on a horse, here! I can’t see any problem with meandering along behind a hack plodding around country lanes. Riding school horses are bombproof and not going to be spooked by a walker 25m back

Some yards can notoriously bitchy, cliquey and unwelcoming. Especially the parents… Maybe it’s as simple as that and the existing pony parents took umbrage with you seeming to join the hack, purely as you’re new.

I don’t think you’re over sensitive either. Being hollered at by a loud riding school instructor in front of others would be highly embarrassing. There’s a certain type among the equestrian world who tends to ‘tell it like it is’, if you catch my drift.

If I were you, I’d chat with the yard manager, ask what happened, and maybe ask for your pre-payment back and find another, friendlier yard for your child to ride with.

Just make sure it’s BHS-approved.

@yellowsubmarines because horsey people are dealing with big, often nervous animals who can cause a lot of damage if they bolt.
Stable yards can be dangerous places and staff sometimes have to react quickly and shout across the yard to be heard.
They also spend more time with horses than people and as they swear at the horses a lot this becomes normal communication with customers too.

Sounds like they just have a blanket ban on it as wouldn’t be safe for all the parents to follow. They have just got the wrong end of the stick if you only followed for a minute

I grew up in a rural northern village - horsefolk are blunt. They also generally have a manner that could halt a wild stallion in it's tracks. Don't think about it, they have already forgotten about it...

...but you care too much about what other people think. You need to do something about this as it will ruin your life, your experience as a parent and shapes how you feel about yourself.

The standard response (in my head) to stuff like this is "oh, do fuck off" and out loud "gosh, people will complain about everything!" Then continue the completely reasonable thing I was doing - you were just going for a walk they can jog on...

You've spent the money on the lessons, your child is enjoying them so just take a lot of deep breaths and calm yourself.

You're taking this far too much to heart because of the other awful stuff going on in your life.

This too shall pass.

At the stables where I go, parents are allowed to follow the ride. It's pretty hard to keep up, but I've done it myself when my child was riding there. I can't understand why it's a problem.
Sorry you have had that experience. Can you try another stables if you feel really awkward (although you shouldn't)?
Even if other parents did complain, I would question why the riding school had to relay this to you.

@yellowsubmarines They are! I always find they are very blunt and tough. I have watched kids get thrown off hard and they just shove them back on, whilst I'm standing there panicking about the potential injuries
I have ridden since 5 years old but basically didn't have much formal instruction, so I'm not one of them. The weirdos.