What did I do wrong? So upset

[Eatcabbage]

I’m a single parent and going through some really horrible and difficult stuff at the moment.
One of the very few good bits left of my life at the moment are doing nice things for my child.
I’ve recently started taking them for riding lessons in a nearby village, which they love.
Last week, which was the first ride, I went for a walk whilst the ride was out. There is only one route around the village, so I followed along behind for the first minute or two until they trotted off, and then went for a walk on my own.
This week I went to do the same and was loudly told not to, as apparently other parents have complained.
I was totally taken aback and now I’m really really upset. I’ve been made to feel like I’ve done something awful.
I’m struggling not to cry and would rather never go back, but my child was enjoying riding so much and I’ve just paid a lot of money up front for a course of lessons.
Everything else is so tough at the moment. We don’t even have anywhere to live. I’ve had to walk away from our house because of a serious problem neighbour and it has left me feeling suicidal. I really didn’t need this.
I’m not sure what I’m asking.
Maybe what did I do wrong?
Would it be bad to stop my child from going back because of me feeling upset?

Unkind, unnecessary behaviour on their part at a time when you’re feeling low and vulnerable. Not unreasonable in the context to feel upset. Poor you. The issue is theirs. Go back next time, wait until they’re out of sight and then go for your walk x

Keep taking your daughter OP. You've done nothing to be worried about, plus it's easy to assume the worst in a situation if you have been feeling very low and anxious. Horse riding isn't my thing, but leaders of outdoor group activities, do tend to be a bit loud/shout. I think they just don't want to be followed, or someone complained ages ago - not about you. I do think you've over reacted, but so what, it's not like you had a public meltdown or caused a scene. No one else has given this a second thought.

You are overthinking this but in any village there is more than one footpath.

I think you have over reacted but totally off the point if your daughter is a beginner she needs to go somewhere for proper lessons not wandering around hacking so I would look for a different stables anyway once you’ve finished this job lot of rides you have booked .

I have found that riding instructors can be extremely shouty and direct. I suppose that they have to be. They have to tell to be heard in lessons and they have to keep instructions short because it's hard work yelling. In addition both horses, even well behaved ones, and children can be temperamental. And they have to ensure that the children are kept as safe as possible. They will also be used to having to be quite firm/direct with the horses too. They are a breed unto themselves. I don't think that they necessarily mean to be rude, but as a child/teenager I found them to be intimidating. I recently took my kids and their friends riding for my Dads B'day. Both my husband and the other Dad (my friend's husband) received a right bollocking (one for having taken his gloves off whilst leading a pony and my husband for having accidentally dropped a riding hat). They looked rather taken aback and scared. My friend and I got the giggles, having both been bought up around stable yards and being used to many a random bollocking from instructors. As an aside though, had I been the one shouted at and had been on my own, I'm sure that I would have felt every bit as sensitive as you!

I imagine they think you followed the ride the whole time, which would to be honest, be rather helicopter parenting. Just think what it would be like if every parent watching walked behind the horses instead.

However, you didn't follow the ride so someone jumped to the wrong assumption.

Tell the instructor that actually you're just going for a walk. Perhaps let the ride get further ahead next time so there's no confusion.

It's just crossed wires and another parent being a bit of a jobs worth. No big deal. A slight annoyance but no reason to be embarrassed or to stop doing the walk you want to do. Taking a deep breath and carry on.

My DD's b'day, NOT my Dad's!! Damn autocorrect!! Although I might consider the latter for my own amusement one day.

Just leave the yard for your walk before they set off. Maybe other parents have asked to follow along and been told they can’t and then they’ve misinterpreted what you were doing.

Don’t think any more of it. Everyone else will have forgotten.

Do you think maybe they've had previous issues with parents following the horses like some Motherlandish funeral procession?

OP You've done nothing wrong. Don't be intimidated by shouty oddballs. Go back next week!

I don’t think it’s actually anything to do with what happneed ( doesn’t sound like much if I’m honest) it’s wrapped up on what’s going on in your life. Don’t think about it again . Put your energies into the more important stuff and build your strength.

@LIZS

You are overthinking this but in any village there is more than one footpath.

Of course you always get an 'expert' like this. How the hell do you know how many footpaths there are in every village in the UK?

There may only be one bridleway route but footpaths run all over! Or walk their route in reverse now you know it.

I think if it were me, next time I'd say "fancy a little walk round the village square while we wait for the kids to get back, would you like to join?"

That way, they can say no if they don't want to but you've made your intentions clear that you're not following the horses.

You are a free agent OP, don't let some random people make you feel like you're not.

People can only affect you if you let them.

Try not to take it personally, it's just horsey people doing what they do (bellowing and issuing instructions )

Don’t give it another thought. It is very unlikely that a parent has complained, or even noticed you. Either their has been a kerfuffle in the past with parents interfering with the lesson/hack or the teacher just feels self conscious with you in ear shot and didn’t want to say so. I agree there is a lot of batshittery around horse people and also a lot of bluntness. It isn’t you.

Horse people tend to be a) mad and b) thick-skinned, so this is almost certainly a much bigger deal to you than to anyone else. It's upset you because you are already having a tough time but I'm sure nobody else has given it much thought. Don't let it put you off taking DC riding if they love it! Just walk a different way next week.

If it is still on your mind contact the riding school. Find out what the nature of the complaint was. It may be a misunderstanding. I would be inclined to speak with them about the way you were spoken to too, appreciate you may not feel up to that at the moment though.
Have you got a friend you could take along with you next week?

If they’re just going out for a ride each time, I’d change to a different stable. You don’t learn just plodding around…it makes it a waste of money. Paying for an actual lesson is a better use of money.

As for the issue itself, I’d try not to take it to heart. Id be really embarrassed but that’s cause I’m a bit sensitive…but ultimately, horses + kids is a risky business and parents can be distracting. It wasn’t put as nice as it could have been but the equestrian world is full of brash people. You see it even when you’re an adult in control of your own horse!

So sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Maybe this situation was just one thing too many for you to deal with at the moment? It does sound as though the stable person was very blunt/direct and they probably haven’t given it another moment’s thought, but I can understand you going over and over it in your head, worrying about it, so it will seem a lot worse to you than it really was.
I hope it doesn’t put you off continuing with your child’s riding lessons, as it sounds such a lovely thing to do. Next time you take them, could you view it as a hurdle that you have overcome, and allow yourself to be proud that you have carried on taking them to an activity they enjoy? . Try thinking of it as an achievement to have managed it, and I hope it helps you feel better about it.
Maybe you could send an email to the stables, saying something like “Just checking, can I go for a walk in the area during the lesson? If I do, is it preferable to go a completely different way from the route the riders are taking?” Hopefully they will reply making it a bit clearer what they do and don’t want you to do.

They all sound bonkers. Where I ride parents do all kinds of things. Sometimes they watch, sometimes they follow if their kid's lesson is going out for a hack, sometimes they don't. Or they walk the dog or sit in the car or go and get a coffee.

Obviously different places can make their own rules, but unless you were walking directly behind a horse crashing cymbals or popping balloons you really haven't done anything wrong.

@xoJellybean

Omg those saying this is an overreaction... shut up!!! You have NO idea what OP is going through and how something like this incident can affect someone. Piss off.

This.

I know what it is like to be going through a time in your life like this.

For what it is worth OP, this One of the very few good bits left of my life at the moment are doing nice things for my child tells me what your character is. That of a good person and good mother: someone who enjoys bringing joy to others, and to their children, even when they are at their lowest. I wish you all the best OP. You deserve it.

Urgh, some horse people are utter, utter dicks. (Disclaimer: I am one myself; 40+ years).
Personally, I hate how bloody rude and aggressive some instructors and yard owners are, and I really hate the way people just put up with it and don't call them out on it.
My instructor when I was a child was one of the scariest people I've ever met, she literally terrified me. She also had a policy of 'no parents watching', which was so she could scream at her pupils without being called out for it. When parents turned up at the end of the lesson her whole demeanour would change and she was suddenly as nice as pie. Total bitch, she nearly put me off for life. Fortunately, once I'd plucked up the courage to tell my mum, (who initially didn't believe me; why would she as this woman was nothing but nice to her), she let me move to a different yard.
My DD now rides and although her yard has its fair share of interesting characters (!), there is no shouting or screaming, no-one is belittled. Her instructor is lovely - yes she's firm, but she's not aggressive. All the kids love her and consequently she gets great results - DD has come on in leaps and bounds under her tuition.
As for the post above where a parent was told to 'get lost' when she wanted to watch her DC - WTF? That would have been my DC's first and last lesson there, how fucking rude! Don't forget we're paying them!
Anyway, OP you sound lovely and you've done nothing wrong at all. I echo earlier posters - just make sure the ride have left the yard and got at least 5 minutes down the road before you set off for your stroll. Ignore anyone who bitches - they're not the boss of you!

At a guess I would say the instructor shouted in front of other parents, so the one arse hat that complained could hear that the message was delivered. I think the delivery was aimed more at the awkward parent than you.

Sounds like you’re having a tough time, but remember you don’t have to make friends with any of them, you go purely for your daughters pleasure. Her joy will be your reward, I promise x

@Whitchurch

50 years a horse person... 25 metres behind before changing course to go for a walk on your own is absolutely fine. If the ponies can't deal with someone walking well behind them for a short period of time then they aren't suitable for children to ride out on - which they clearly are. Go back. Maybe even ask to have a quick word with the instructor at the start and say something like "I think there was a misunderstanding last week. I have no intention of walking out with you, I'm just going to go on a walk on my own while you are out. Do you need me to explain that to anyone or will you do it if the need arises?" Try to be strong enough to do this thing because it will pass and the walks on your own will be lovely. Maybe someone nice might even join you one day.

I agree with this

You did nothing wrong OP, the embarrassment is all theirs - don’t take it on yourself. Hold your head up high and remember who is the customer!

Horsey people can be really unfriendly I have found - but that said, the instructor here didn't have a problem with it.

Perhaps the other parents thought you followed the ride around the entire time and were a helicopter parent and didn't like it. If I was a parent and saw another parent wondering off behind all the kids I guess I'd wonder why. I wouldn't complain but I might just be curious.

I'd go up to the instructor and ask them to make a general announcement to all the parents at pick up - or on email - that it's fine to walk behind the ride for up to 2 to 3 mins (which a parent has already done) but after that the ride will continue on alone after that (as happened last week).

Then it sort of clears your name and you can turn up feeling normal again.

Take no notice of the silly villagers. Don't lose any sleep about it. you're sensitive right now because of lots of other things going on in your life. Go for your walk and keep going to the group. It could just be a misunderstanding and the group are actually nice people.