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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What did I do wrong? So upset

162 replies

Eatcabbage · 17/06/2021 18:18

I’m a single parent and going through some really horrible and difficult stuff at the moment.
One of the very few good bits left of my life at the moment are doing nice things for my child.
I’ve recently started taking them for riding lessons in a nearby village, which they love.
Last week, which was the first ride, I went for a walk whilst the ride was out. There is only one route around the village, so I followed along behind for the first minute or two until they trotted off, and then went for a walk on my own.
This week I went to do the same and was loudly told not to, as apparently other parents have complained.
I was totally taken aback and now I’m really really upset. I’ve been made to feel like I’ve done something awful.
I’m struggling not to cry and would rather never go back, but my child was enjoying riding so much and I’ve just paid a lot of money up front for a course of lessons.
Everything else is so tough at the moment. We don’t even have anywhere to live. I’ve had to walk away from our house because of a serious problem neighbour and it has left me feeling suicidal. I really didn’t need this.
I’m not sure what I’m asking.
Maybe what did I do wrong?
Would it be bad to stop my child from going back because of me feeling upset?

OP posts:
wingsandstrings · 17/06/2021 20:09

I would have politely but confidently insisted they gave a satisfactory explanation:
'what exactly did other parents say? was it more than one who complained'
'can you explain why it is a problem?'
'you realise I was behind the horses for a couple of minutes? Are you saying that I can't walk around the village? Are you insisting that I sit in my car? Could I set out a couple of minutes after the horses go so that I'm further behind them?' etc
Just push them to be completely specific about what the problem is and what they expect you to do. I often find when you do that people end up feeling a bit foolish because they're not really making sense. Or, you might find out there was a very good reason they said what they did, which at least would give you some peace of mind that it wasn't personal.

WhyNotNow21 · 17/06/2021 20:10

And strangely if they find out how hurt and sad your are about other things in your life they might take you under their wing. Be vulnerable. Cry even if you have to. It's in these shared moments of pain when we feel utterly humiliated that people can spring to your defense. They dont' know anything about you at the moment. Just saw you wandering off after the ride.... some random stranger etc....

Nocutenamesleft · 17/06/2021 20:14

If you remember back to something as a child which literally brought you real joy. Like the riding does for your child

Then think if they’d told you you could never do it again

Would you of been upset?

If yes. Then you know the answer

If no. Then you know the answer.

Though I think you’ve got to show your child how to handle things personally. If you back out at things. They’ll think that’s how you handle bad experiences and do the same

Hugs. It’s hard.

Nocutenamesleft · 17/06/2021 20:18

Though I’ve ridden as soon as I could stand. Before then my mother would wrap me on her to ride. (This was some years ago!).

My life is my horses and riding. I couldn’t cope without it now. It’s my release from life. Nothing like galloping on open fields or forests.

So maybe I’m biased!

HerRoyalNotness · 17/06/2021 20:18

Go back and turn up a little early, use that time to ask what the etiquette is of the stables. I’d have no clue so would ask about it. Then clear up the misunderstanding, and just tell them you were going for a walk, not following the horses. Don’t let it put you off or make you standoffish.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 17/06/2021 20:19

Yabu to even care. Stuff them op.

YellsiBabs · 17/06/2021 20:25

I recently joined a riding school and found the instructors, staff and other riders to be very hostile and rude. I think it’s a thing. Pay know attention and continue if your daughters enjoying it. I bet no one actually complained anyway, the instructor should have just subtlely explained that’s not the done thing (although god knows why it’s an issue), really unprofessional to drag the other parents like that and I bet they feel as uncomfortable as you do now.

Just pay no attention & carry on. I decided to leave as I was paying £40 for 30 min lesson where I felt the instructor was snappy & impatient.

suggestionsplease1 · 17/06/2021 20:32

Ahh, this is crappy OP. I can see in my head what happened from how you describe it. Like you had once nice thing left for yourself at the moment, one small thing that you had thought of that would be nice for you to do and you were shamed out of even that. And the way it happened you felt embarrassed and isolated in front of the others that were present when, what you could do with more than anything right now, is a kind word and some friendliness.

You'll be ok, things will feel better soon.

Creamcrackersandricecakes · 17/06/2021 20:33

@YellsiBabs

I recently joined a riding school and found the instructors, staff and other riders to be very hostile and rude. I think it’s a thing. Pay know attention and continue if your daughters enjoying it. I bet no one actually complained anyway, the instructor should have just subtlely explained that’s not the done thing (although god knows why it’s an issue), really unprofessional to drag the other parents like that and I bet they feel as uncomfortable as you do now.

Just pay no attention & carry on. I decided to leave as I was paying £40 for 30 min lesson where I felt the instructor was snappy & impatient.

Good for you for voting with your feet - if more people did this maybe some of these people would sort out their stinking attitudes. Just because you're a 'horse person' doesn't give you licence to behave like an arsehole.
BringMeTea · 17/06/2021 20:36

OP you did nothing wrong. You're under extreme stress. Cut yourself some slack. It is not you. Hope things get better for you soon. Flowers

Iusedtoliveinsanfrancisco · 17/06/2021 20:37

You are a great mum for setting this up for your daughter. Carry on going I’m sure some of the other mums thought shouting at you was a bit off. Best luck

TaraR2020 · 17/06/2021 20:39

@Eatcabbage don't let anyone make you feel bad for being so upset by this, it's ok to feel the way you do. You've clearly gone through the most hellish time and need some gentleness in your life at the moment - nothing wrong with that.

Do try and shrug off this incident at the riding school, it wasn't an ideal communication to you and many people would feel singled out and embarrassing. However, you're well aware you have done nothing wrong and I'm sure most parents there would agree with you.

Just go off on your own little wander, maybe you can walk the reverse of the route?

It wasn't meant to upset you, nor were you meant to feel singled out and excluded by this.

Give yourself some tlc this evening and do speak to your gp about mental health support.

I know things are tough atm, but you will come through it and things will get better Flowers Flowers

Grapewrath · 17/06/2021 20:40

Ignore them and their precious behaviour- they can’t tell you where to walk. Village people are weird.
I hope you’re ok though as you had some pretty big feelings as a reaction

LadyCatStark · 17/06/2021 20:42

You haven’t done anything wrong but YWBU to not go back because of it. I guess the other parents wanted to follow the ride too? Next time, just wait til they’ve gone and walk clearly in the opposite direction but try not to worry about it anymore.

Nocutenamesleft · 17/06/2021 20:45

The ONLY thing I’ve just thought of

Is if you were close behind to start with. Maybe the instructor thought you’d get kicked? Used that as people made complaints? As you’re not meant to go behind horses

However. It’s a wide stretch.

I’ll warn you now though. The horsey world is so bitchy. My god. My life was miserable when I had hordes on a livery. There is no one in the world as nasty as horse women. Not all obviously. But it’s so well known for being a nasty place.

I’ve got my own horses in my own stables now. Though not everyone can afford this luxury

I hope you sort it.

CasperTheFriendlyGoat · 17/06/2021 20:46

I am so sorry you are going through such a rough time. You would not be reasonable to stop your daughter riding as she will also be struggling to deal with the issues and she enjoys this. I understand why you were embarrassed though, the issue (if there even was one) was handled badly.
Horses seem to bring out the worst in some people, be that snobbery, insecurity etc. That said they can be fantastic for children and your daughter will benefit hugely if you can carry on taking her.

ViceLikeBlip · 17/06/2021 20:49

Horsey people can be right bitches sometimes, and they seem to have a different threshold for confrontation than normal people (as in, they're not at all bothered about being rude and confrontational!) Try not to take it personally - that's probably just how she speaks to everyone.

TheTuesdayPringle · 17/06/2021 20:49

You did nothing wrong and I agree with posters saying that the instructor was likely referring to parents in general complaining in the past. Because if you think about it, how could they have complained when you had only just started walking?

So the instructor is probably just making a snarky comment about the other parents being dickheads.

Try to believe that you did nothing wrong and that no-one apart from you has given it a second thought. The reason you feel so mortified is that you are drowning in shame which is nothing to do with horses and everything to do with your fragile mental health.

I agree 100 percent with the poster who recommended listening to the Brene Brown Ted talk about shame, it is fantastic. X

lotstolose1 · 17/06/2021 20:50

Most horse kids and their mums are fucking nuts anyway, I wouldn't worry too much. I think they like to gatekeep it a bit too much Smile

Rhiannon13 · 17/06/2021 20:50

OP I grew up around horses and stable yards and can assure you that all riding instructors shout (very often when they're right next to you) but it's only because they need to get their point across first time to avoid accidents.

Please be kind to yourself. We all have these 'straw that broke the camel's back' moments when life isn't going so well but please don't let it put you off going back. Riding is so valuable as a confidence builder for children and you're a great mum for giving your DD this opportunity. If you feel like it, maybe have a chat with one of the kinder looking parents and ask if they know what the problem was. At least then you'll know and won't be in fear of it happening again. Hope things quickly improve for you.

QueenBee52 · 17/06/2021 20:53

I do hope your Daughter keeps horse riding ... try not to let it get you down.. 🌸

WorriedMillie · 17/06/2021 20:53

I’m sorry OP, there are some proper twats in the horsey world, amongst the lovely people. I speak as someone who’s had ponies and inhabited that world since I was a child

Echo the advice to be brave and enquire as to what they feel you did wrong. There are often all sorts of unspoken rules and how the hell were you to know what they were?

Please don’t let this put you off taking your child riding, it’s a great pastime and there are some kind horsey people, I promise Flowers

Twoforthree · 17/06/2021 20:56

You are in a bad head space at the moment, understandably, so it’s affected you more than it should.

Please don’t worry about it. It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Stuff what they think. I understand that this is easier to say, than do though.

Flowers
Clydesider · 17/06/2021 20:57

The things that people will moan and complain about never fails to astonish me! Please, please don't let these sad people upset you any further. This incident says far more about them than it does about you.

I'm not very confrontational but I would be inclined to have a quiet word with the instructor who shouted at you to a) ask what was so wrong in walking behind the horses and b) let her know just how badly she handled it. Hopefully she'll think twice about behaving that way in future.

yellowsubmarines · 17/06/2021 20:57

For those saying horsey people are oddballs, why is that? I don't know any horse people so finding this thread very interesting reading.

OP it sounds like you've done nothing wrong and there is possibly a misunderstanding of some sort. Try to put the incident out of your mind. Keep taking your DC and going for your walks. Maybe head off before the horses leave or wait 10 mins or so like other pp have said so there is no confusion that you are following the horses. Maybe yell to anyone in earshot 'I'm just off for my walk around the village now and will be back in time to collect my child.' so it's very clear that you're not walking off to follow the horses.

Take care OP, it will get better.