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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What did I do wrong? So upset

162 replies

Eatcabbage · 17/06/2021 18:18

I’m a single parent and going through some really horrible and difficult stuff at the moment.
One of the very few good bits left of my life at the moment are doing nice things for my child.
I’ve recently started taking them for riding lessons in a nearby village, which they love.
Last week, which was the first ride, I went for a walk whilst the ride was out. There is only one route around the village, so I followed along behind for the first minute or two until they trotted off, and then went for a walk on my own.
This week I went to do the same and was loudly told not to, as apparently other parents have complained.
I was totally taken aback and now I’m really really upset. I’ve been made to feel like I’ve done something awful.
I’m struggling not to cry and would rather never go back, but my child was enjoying riding so much and I’ve just paid a lot of money up front for a course of lessons.
Everything else is so tough at the moment. We don’t even have anywhere to live. I’ve had to walk away from our house because of a serious problem neighbour and it has left me feeling suicidal. I really didn’t need this.
I’m not sure what I’m asking.
Maybe what did I do wrong?
Would it be bad to stop my child from going back because of me feeling upset?

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 17/06/2021 19:04

What's the complaint? Are you supposed to stay with your child? Or not follow the horses at all? If it was only once if be surprised that the other parents have complained. Now you know, you know. Please keep going, things sound really tough

TicketyTickTock · 17/06/2021 19:04

A healthy proportion of horse people are batshit. The instructor should have spoken to you before the lesson not shouted at from afar. It's just bloody rude. I'm not surprised you felt embarrassed. They lack social skills. Explain to the pillock who shouted at you that you are indeed taking a walk by yourself and would they prefer for you to wait 5 minutes before you set off and please if they have something to speak to you about could they not shout it across the yard. Stand up for yourself OP. It was pigging rude!

SheepyToaster · 17/06/2021 19:05

I doubt it was parents complaining, they probably didn't like you being there while they tried to teach the children. They could have been insecure about the teaching.

3luckystars · 17/06/2021 19:07

When my daughter started riding, the woman said to me ‘are you staying?’ And I said ‘yes of course’ (thinking I was supposed to) and she shouted
‘No you’re not, get lost!!’

We kept going and I got used to it. She has said a lot worse to other people, I now think I got off lightly.

1FootInTheRave · 17/06/2021 19:07

25m behind the horses is a none issue.

And if it is, they shouldn't have kids on their backs out on a hack.

From your op and subsequent messages, I honestly can't see that you've done anything wrong.

Whitchurch · 17/06/2021 19:09

50 years a horse person... 25 metres behind before changing course to go for a walk on your own is absolutely fine. If the ponies can't deal with someone walking well behind them for a short period of time then they aren't suitable for children to ride out on - which they clearly are.

Go back. Maybe even ask to have a quick word with the instructor at the start and say something like "I think there was a misunderstanding last week. I have no intention of walking out with you, I'm just going to go on a walk on my own while you are out. Do you need me to explain that to anyone or will you do it if the need arises?"

Try to be strong enough to do this thing because it will pass and the walks on your own will be lovely. Maybe someone nice might even join you one day.

CustardySergeant · 17/06/2021 19:09

@3luckystars

When my daughter started riding, the woman said to me ‘are you staying?’ And I said ‘yes of course’ (thinking I was supposed to) and she shouted ‘No you’re not, get lost!!’

We kept going and I got used to it. She has said a lot worse to other people, I now think I got off lightly.

Good grief. How fucking rude of her!

saltncheese · 17/06/2021 19:10

It is a universal known that horsey people are arseholes - once you understand that it makes the weird interactions with them make a bit more sense.
It's them, not you.
But you have to grow a thick skin if you want to mix with them.

Horses on the other hand are wonderful.

BertramLacey · 17/06/2021 19:10

Horsey people can be very weird and are often much better with horses than with people. I know, because I sometimes work with horses myself and I've owned one for years. This really isn't about you.

They were a bit of a way off by that point, so the instructor then loudly shouted back and said could I not follow because other parents had complained, but that she herself didn’t mind. Some of the other parents were standing close by, so I was really embarrassed and felt ashamed, as though they thought I was a risk to their children or something.

If they were shouting in earshot of others, the message may have been intended for others, not just you. So if she was saying she didn't mind but another parent did, and the parents were within hearing range it was a way of saying 'those mean bastards complained.' That said, if every parent tried to follow a ride it would be chaotic. Horses do not like being followed, as a rule. They're prey animals and following is a stalking, predatory thing to do so it can unsettle them.

It's not you OP. It's a misunderstanding. Don't let it stop you or your daughter doing something you enjoy - just give the horses a 10 minute head start next time and go for a nice walk.

WorraLiberty · 17/06/2021 19:10

@1FootInTheRave

25m behind the horses is a none issue.

And if it is, they shouldn't have kids on their backs out on a hack.

From your op and subsequent messages, I honestly can't see that you've done anything wrong.

It may be more about it behind distracting for the children perhaps?

Tilly18101 · 17/06/2021 19:11

Horse rider here, and it may have been a comment that’s not in context. If your child is being led by a school pony, possibly having you behind will upset the horses (but riding school ponies are generally saints!) but maybe it’s more so the instructor has the full attention of the children whilst they are learning! They need to be focused and engaged, to ensure there are no accidents!

One of the parents (or a few!) May have thought you were distracting the ride/children not realising you had taken a different route. I wouldn’t be upset by the comments, just clarify that you aren’t following the ride just going for your own walk whilst they are out.

DavidTheDog · 17/06/2021 19:11

Some of the other parents were standing close by, so I was really embarrassed and felt ashamed, as though they thought I was a risk to their children or something.

Oh bless you Are you familiar with Brene Brown's work on shame? Try her book, The Gifts of Imperfection or her TED talk or Netflix programme.

KindChick · 17/06/2021 19:13

I’m not sure if it’s possible but I would maybe phone them ahead of the next lesson and just say your daughter is loving the riding - Thankyou. . Can you just double check are you ok heading for a walk but will wait 5 mins until they are “off” and then head away.
Ignore the other parents and may not have been them at all who complained.
I am very similar to you and would have found it really upsetting but try to work through it.
I hate groups of parents together at anything, I’ve always felt I make a ton of effort to speak and be friendly but no one else does!

SamMil · 17/06/2021 19:14

I would try not to worry about this (easier said than done sometimes I know - I also take things like this to heart!). Your child is enjoying the lessons so you should carry on

It sounds like the instructor didn't actually have a problem herself, so I'd probably try to talk to her if you get a moment next time. Be honest and say you were a bit embarrassed last time so didn't ask, but would like to know so you don't do anything wrong - then ask if you need to stay back at the yard while they go out riding, or if you are still allowed to walk as long as you go a different direction. That way you'll be clear on the rules and you'll have broken the ice with the instructor.

And, from a horse rider of over 20 years, I agree with some of the other posters - horse people do have a tendancy to be a little crazy, so sometimes you just have to smile and nod

saraclara · 17/06/2021 19:17

I'm guessing it was one parent, and they didn't know that you only followed for a short distance.

I'm sure you know that you're taking this vastly to heart when it doesn't warrant it. It will all have been forgotten by next time you go.

Please don't stop going. It's lovely for your daughter, and it will be good for you again. Next time make sure you're standing around when they come back, with a big smile on your face. Let your daughter see you show your pride in her when she returns, rather than you sitting in the car while the other children get to see their parents waiting for them.

I do understand why you're feeling so vulnerable. But next week imagine yourself as an actress playing the part of a mum who really doesn't care what anyone's said.

LittleMimi · 17/06/2021 19:18

I think because you’re having a rubbish time and have low self esteem you’re liable to take things too personally. From what you’ve said it could just be a general complaint that’s happened before and so rather than those parents specifically complaining about you it’s something that’s said to any parent who follows behind. Maybe they had some parents distracting the group before. I imagine they can’t see where you’re going and assumed you’d just be trying to keep up with the group and maybe distract them. I think all you need to do is ask if it’s ok to go for a walk and explain that you’re not planning on going near the horses.

Hugoslavia · 17/06/2021 19:20

You haven't done something awful. I've been around riding schools for more than 40 years and without exception, they are crammed with nutters.

This!! And I say this as someone who had a horse for years.

PurpleyBlue · 17/06/2021 19:21

I can't see what you did wrong. Maybe now you've seen her off on one of her lessons you could hold back a bit while they go off then say to them all, I'm off for a walk does anyone want to join?

But no, don't feel you can't take your daughter back. Even the instructor doesn't think you've done anything wrong.

FierceBarrie · 17/06/2021 19:21

You really haven’t done anything wrong, OP. I do hope you feel able to take your child back.

To the people telling the OP, she’s over-reacting, just try to be a bit considerate…

Subbaxeo · 17/06/2021 19:24

You sound very fragile at the moment and something you could laugh off at any other time, probably feels overwhelming. There’s nothing wrong with what you’ve done and it’s horrible being yelled at at any time let alone when you’ve got all that going on. Some people are just belligerent and it’s nothing you’ve done-it’s just how they are. I spent a lifetime wondering how I’d upset some people before I realised they were just like that. Have you got any friends you could have a good vent and a glass of wine with and laugh at it?

Faranth · 17/06/2021 19:24

It's not you OP. It sounds like a misunderstanding, they thought you were following all the way.

Try and see the funny side of the batshittery.

I bet they've had issues with Tarquin and Petunia's parents jogging along behind shouting 'encouragement' and generally being disruptive. Probably a dad wearing short shorts and sweat bands.

'keep your heels down Tarquin!' 'trot on Petunia! You don't need to walk like the others! You've been riding since you were 9 months, you're much more advanced!'

They've either had to tell a pushy parent not to insert themselves into the lesson or other parents have complained that push parent has disrupted the lesson and there's now a rule that parents can't accompany the ride.

Especially from what you said that they called back to ask if you were following. I think I'd definitely go back, but just have a quick word with the instructor - something like 'I think there was a misunderstanding last week, I was going for a walk while DC rode, I just wanted to be clear I wasn't following the ride. I'll be going for a walk again this week, unless you need me to stay on site while DC is riding?'

Beautiful3 · 17/06/2021 19:27

Other parents probably thought you were walking around with them, and asked if they could too. It's not a good idea as it can unsettle the horses and they can kick back. The last thing they want are a group of parents following them. Still go, think of your children. Wait 20 minutes then go for a walk but in the opposite direction.

LunaLula83 · 17/06/2021 19:27

Take a book and sit in the car

1FootInTheRave · 17/06/2021 19:29

Worra, her own kid or the others? 25m behind shouldn't distract. On a hack they'll pass all sorts of obstacles, and should be thinking about the animal and possible reactions. A random mum 25m behind shouldn't even be a consideration. It's v likely they'll pass heavy traffic/tractors/bin lorries/walkers/other riders/cyclists etc. The only thing my horse reacts at is people carrying jute shopping bags and people on those fold out bikes.

In an indoor arena the parents are seated less than 5m away from the passing point. A safer environment obvs but the kids should be aware of the animals needs.

From a safety and concentration aspect, 25m behind really shouldn't be an issue. Even if it were a group of parents, that distance shouldn't be a problem.

ArabellaScott · 17/06/2021 19:29

Hope you're feeling a bit better, OP. I completely understand that if you're feeling fragile even a bit of abruptness can seem overwhelming.

Some groups are a bit shit when you start and then everyone adjusts and you get into it.

Some groups are batshit horrible, and it's not worth it. I'd give it another shot and see how it goes.

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