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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to NOT tell dd's friend's parents she is putting herself at risk?

110 replies

TradingGrapesForWine · 17/06/2021 03:16

DD has a friend Jane who is 17yrs and will be 18yrs in the summer hols. A few months ago Jane went on a trip by herself abroad (I'm going to ignore the Covid implications as that isn't the point). While she was there she was having one night stands, going back to the flats of men she met on nights out - stuff dd described to me as 'risky' behaviour, I suspect we are not hearing the full extent of things. Dd is not remotely judgey or prudish and usually doesn't tell us any of this stuff but has mentioned it to me and dh separately so I think she is worried.

Now Jane's parents are funding another solo trip abroad (again, consider x 10000000 re. Covid implications) in the summer holidays.

I have no idea if this friend's parents know what she is up to on these breaks but they are delighted with how she has 'caught the travel bug' etc. I don't know the parents but do have contact details (from party pick up arrangements a while ago).

So AIBU to just step back and let this girl get on with putting herself in these situations. She's almost an adult and it's really up to her and none of my business. Her parents either know and don't mind or have no idea. I don't want to betray dd's confidence but there's a part of me that thinks if my dd was doing this, I would hope someone would tell me! I remember a poster on here saying her parents were super liberal and she got up to all sorts of stuff she wasn't equipped to deal with and she wishes her parents had set some rules, that has always stuck with me. Jane is a bit of a drama queen and dd says there is some talk about Jane being autistic (from Jane but other friends think it is likely) but she has no diagnosis. I've met Jane several times and she has no filter. She's actually quite charming but I think quite vulnerable in a way, not so much wears her heart on her sleeve as just hands it over to you straight away IYKWIM.

YANBU - just keep my nose out of it

YABU - say something to the parents (not directly but in a way which protects dd as being the source of this information for example through a third party)

OP posts:

SheepyLamb2 · 17/06/2021 03:23

Definetely keep your nose out.

I don't think telling her parents will do any good but potentially harm there relationship . What can they do ? Cancel her travel and lock her away.

She is old enough to know the risks and make a decision for herself about what she wants to get up to sexually to be honest. Others may disagree but that's my view but I was quite sexually active at that age and would be HORRIFIED if my parents knew because it's my private life. I don't regret anything and I'm not ashamed but I just don't want my parents to know the ins and outs (I'm sure they don't want to either)

lovingllamaa · 17/06/2021 03:25

YANBU - just keep your nose out of it. Please don't slut shame women and teach your daughter not to as well.

RickiTarr · 17/06/2021 03:36

If she’s old enough for a sex life, by definition she’s too old for her friend’s parents to be interfering.

The only thing you could do is suggest to your DD some “safe travel” resource she could pass on, (thinking of Grace Millane type scenarios here, may she RIP) but then butt firmly OUT, don’t follow up, don’t even think about contacting her parents.

Sunshinelover2 · 17/06/2021 06:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Nofruitta · 17/06/2021 06:58

YABVU . You would break trust between two friends as cause a shit storm for which your dd would be blamed for exaggerating.

PersonaNonGarter · 17/06/2021 07:00

They aren’t grown up - but they aren’t children either.

AdriannaP · 17/06/2021 07:01

YABU - isn’t this fairly normal teenage behaviour. She is 18 this summer, what are her parents supposed to do? Lock her up?
This is definitely misogynistic as well, as nobody would care if a teenage boy would behave like this. Keep your nose out. None of your business.

AdriannaP · 17/06/2021 07:03

As for the autism diagnosis, you can’t possibly make that judgement from meeting her a few times and some gossip from other teenagers.

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/06/2021 07:04

I just can’t see how you are going to word it in such a way that doesn’t imply you think their daughter is a slut (and I don’t think you do by the way). Because of that I think you are best to keep shtum.

Clickbait · 17/06/2021 07:17

If you knew the parents well, I'd say talk to them. As it is, some kind of anonymous tip off through a third party is unlikely to make them change their minds.

Standrewsschool · 17/06/2021 07:21

Can you have a general conversation about what teenagers get up to when abroad? Maybe talk about the tv programmes abroad which feature parents watching their children’s antics from afar, or the 18-30 type holidays.

Hellocatshome · 17/06/2021 07:23

Where are these trips to? Some girls are making serious money in places like Dubai for such activities.

Dustyhedge · 17/06/2021 07:24

I think tbh that 17 year olds aren’t really well equipped for that sort of trip solo. I think back at some of the situations I found myself in at 18/19 abroad and really I was lucky nothing bad happened to me. Even a lot of the gap year tour companies have an 18 minimum. I don’t think you can say anything to the parents because is they are silly enough to send their somewhat vulnerable daughter travelling during a pandemic I’m not sure you’d get any sense from them anyway.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 17/06/2021 07:27

@lovingllamaa

YANBU - just keep your nose out of it. Please don't slut shame women and teach your daughter not to as well.

I've had many one night stands in my life but being concerned about a 17 year old girl, abroad, alone, going back to the homes of men she's only just met isn't 'slut shaming' (vile, libfem, meaningless phrase that it is) By all means be sexually liberated but taking risks like that isn't the same thing.

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2021 07:28

Op I’m sorry but thr honrst to god truth is people have been having one night stands with strangers since time began. It’s only more risky there as she’s alone. But going out at night, pulling someone, having a one night stand is very common behaviour.

HalfTermHalfTerm · 17/06/2021 07:32

@lovingllamaa

YANBU - just keep your nose out of it. Please don't slut shame women and teach your daughter not to as well.

I don’t think it’s slut shaming to suggest that it’s not very safe behaviour for a 17 year old who is alone in a strange country and has (presumably) been drinking to be going home with men that she’s only just met.

I agree that there’s not much you can do though, OP. The only thing you could potentially do is talk to your daughter and see if she did mention it to you and your husband because she’s worried about it. It might make her feel better or there might be even more to the situation.

Overdueanamechange · 17/06/2021 07:33

I don't agree that the op or op's daughter is slut shaming, but if the friend is trusted to travel overseas solo she can't be that vulnerable. Encourage your dd to signpost her to women's safety resources.

rwalker · 17/06/2021 07:37

This isn't about shagging it's going off with randoms to random place in a foreign county alone.
Nobody is slut shaming anyone .

Bluntness100 · 17/06/2021 07:38

Op the only person who can make a difference here and get involved is hour daughter, if anyone speaks it’s her to her friend explaining she’s worried about her and the risks.

SmokeyDevil · 17/06/2021 07:42

@AdriannaP

As for the autism diagnosis, you can’t possibly make that judgement from meeting her a few times and some gossip from other teenagers.

And yet people on here make that judgement about people they've never met.

That is a really difficult situation op. She is an adult, but she sounds very naive and doesn't understand or is taking it for granted that some men out there are very dangerous. She's been lucky so far (but that's only maybe because she hasn't told your daughter). Look at that backpacker, young woman went on holiday, went off with some random man and never came home. I'd be very worried for her safety.

Maybe talk to your daughter and see if she wants to tell her friends parents. You can do it for her if she wants, or maybe speak to the friend yourself with your daughter. Not everyone knows how to be safe, in fact most don't really. They take it for granted that people are safe and that dangerous people are locked away. Parents wouldn't let their kids out if they knew the reality.

Disneyforever1974 · 17/06/2021 07:43

OP you may want to consider that she might be making it all up so her holiday seems more exciting than it actually was. If she went on her own and with some COVID restrictions still in place it is possible she was bored and lonely.
Also everything @Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep said

Ijustreallywantacat · 17/06/2021 07:43

I dont think there's much you can do. She's nearly 18, not an infant, and if she wants to go and sleep around you can. I always wish I'd been more promiscuous at that age - had to wait til my mid 20s! Her parents can talk to her about using contraception and being safe, but ultimately none of your business. Besides which if you did do something then it would come out that your dd had been gossiping about her.

Hatethisplacetho · 17/06/2021 07:46

Hmm I regret all sexual activity between the ages of 13 - 23 if I’m honest, and I know a lot of my friends feel the same. The men she is meeting are probably not her own age! There is a lot of pressure in society / the media for girls to find happiness / fulfilment in being considered “sexy” and it’s hard to disentangle that from our actual sex drives.
she probably isn’t orgasming as much as the men are (there are stats on this), and it’s quite simply not worth the risk! Imagine your daughter risking her life for some crap sex with some old pervert on holiday, no thank you!
I’m not sure you should tell the parents as it may cause the girl to distance herself and hide the truth out of embarrassment. All you can do is arm your daughter with enough self confidence and sense to realise that sort of behaviour is not worth the risk. And hopefully she can influence her friend a bit more positively..

Scrambledcustard · 17/06/2021 07:47

Why would a 17 year old be going on holiday solo?

pinkyredrose · 17/06/2021 07:48

there's a part of me that thinks if my dd was doing this, I would hope someone would tell me!

Why would you need to know that your daughter's having one night stands? Anyway how do you know that its true, it could be bravado/exaggeration.

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