AIBU to NOT tell dd's friend's parents she is putting herself at risk?

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DD has a friend Jane who is 17yrs and will be 18yrs in the summer hols. A few months ago Jane went on a trip by herself abroad (I'm going to ignore the Covid implications as that isn't the point). While she was there she was having one night stands, going back to the flats of men she met on nights out - stuff dd described to me as 'risky' behaviour, I suspect we are not hearing the full extent of things. Dd is not remotely judgey or prudish and usually doesn't tell us any of this stuff but has mentioned it to me and dh separately so I think she is worried.

Now Jane's parents are funding another solo trip abroad (again, consider x 10000000 re. Covid implications) in the summer holidays.

I have no idea if this friend's parents know what she is up to on these breaks but they are delighted with how she has 'caught the travel bug' etc. I don't know the parents but do have contact details (from party pick up arrangements a while ago).

So AIBU to just step back and let this girl get on with putting herself in these situations. She's almost an adult and it's really up to her and none of my business. Her parents either know and don't mind or have no idea. I don't want to betray dd's confidence but there's a part of me that thinks if my dd was doing this, I would hope someone would tell me! I remember a poster on here saying her parents were super liberal and she got up to all sorts of stuff she wasn't equipped to deal with and she wishes her parents had set some rules, that has always stuck with me. Jane is a bit of a drama queen and dd says there is some talk about Jane being autistic (from Jane but other friends think it is likely) but she has no diagnosis. I've met Jane several times and she has no filter. She's actually quite charming but I think quite vulnerable in a way, not so much wears her heart on her sleeve as just hands it over to you straight away IYKWIM.

YANBU - just keep my nose out of it

YABU - say something to the parents (not directly but in a way which protects dd as being the source of this information for example through a third party)

@AdriannaP

YABU - isn’t this fairly normal teenage behaviour. She is 18 this summer, what are her parents supposed to do? Lock her up? This is definitely misogynistic as well, as nobody would care if a teenage boy would behave like this. Keep your nose out. None of your business.

My ds is currently 15, 16 this year. Like hell, would he be travelling abroad solo at 17 for sex with randoms. No way. Nor would he want to. So, no some parents would absolutely care if it was a teenage boy.

sn’t this fairly normal teenage behaviour. She is 18 this summer, what are her parents supposed to do? Lock her up?
This is definitely misogynistic as well, as nobody would care if a teenage boy would behave like this.

Well it certainly wasn't normal for any of my dcs and I think you'll find a lot of parents would care if a teenage boy was doing this

She is a young adult it isn't great or your place to say it.
Grace Millane comes to mind, 1000's of young woman take the chance daily it's usually okays unless he is psycho looking to murder.

I think your DD should be the one to warn her of the risks. But as others say, this is pretty normal late teen behaviour really, as much as those with DDs a similar age (me!) like to think not!

I think any parent with an ounce of commonsense must realise there is a good chance their teenagers might do this or something similar when on holiday alone or with friends. Unless they've been living under a rock.

There is also the possibility the girl is exaggerating to her friends.

Why don't you talk to her directly if you are concerned? If shes old enough to go abroad alone, shes old enough for another adult to speak to directly. She may well tell you to mind your own business though.

Why not? Nothing wrong with a 17/18 yo travelling so mill. What a wonderful way to explore the world.

^ sorry. That was in response to @Scrambledcustard

Please don't slut shame women and teach your daughter not to as well.

I can’t believe any woman would agree. From my own experience as a naive teenager who trusted everyone, Jane is in serious danger. In a city you don’t know, where no one knows you, you’re easy prey.

"Slut shame"?? What libfem nonsense is that?

So now we can't look out for our fellow women lest we be accused of slit shaming? Give me strength...

At 17 most of the kids in our friendship circle were just venturing out to the likes of Reading Festival and trips abroad didn't happen until 18+ and definitely not solo.

Is not about the sex,it's the safety side of things.

I think the whole situation sounds very odd, including the parents.

Many people start holidaying without parents at 17/18, but not alone. I know you said Covid isn’t relevant, but leaving aside the risk element, it’s even odder to be organising holidays abroad now.

However at 18 she is an adult and the parents may be part of the problem. It sounds as though she is more likely to get good advice from your DD than her parents.

I really disagree with the tone of this thread.
Slut shaming and 'duty of care' are not even in the same orbit.

• The girl is not an adult

-She is alone in a foriegn countries This is enough in itself to add safety precautions and heighten risk, so to add in what has been discolsed to your dd and I think concern is the right response.

You sound very astute Op and I am sure you would be able to broach it in a way that doesn't implicate your daughter and ruin a friendship.
I think now that you know you have a duty of care to do what you can to protect the girl - it may or may not be well recieved but - the implications if something were to happen to her and you knew what she is doing, would be beyond devestating.

The thing with dangerous situations, people rarely believe it'll happen to them as an individual.
It happens other people until you find yourself trapped.

I think any parent with an ounce of commonsense must realise there is a good chance their teenagers might do this or something similar when on holiday alone or with friends.

Even at 42, there is a big difference between behaving recklessly on holiday alone and behaving recklessly when there is somebody to notice you are missing or that you aren’t in any state to consent.

I went on holiday at 18 with friends. Walking through the city in the early hours one of a group of men grabbed me and held a replica gun to my head. Thankfully he seemed to think it was funny and didn't use it to make us do anything but if I had been on my own it might have been quite different.
I've travelled all over between the ages of 18-28 always with friends. I've come across many situations where if I had been alone I could have come to serious harm. I would never encourage a teenage girl to travel alone. It's dangerous.

as nobody would care if a teenage boy would behave like this.

It would be just as concerning if a teenage boy were doing this.

What do you think would happen if you said anything? Because what would happen is that even if the parents believed you the girl would deny it and fall out with your daughter. You have said that she has ASD but does she really or is it some school rumour to discredit her? Is what she is telling your daughter even true?

Praps the underage young lady is exaggerating her exploits

It would be just as concerning if a teenage boy were doing this yes it would.

@Bbq1 so if your son wanted to go away with his friends at 17, you wouldn't let him? Just because some people might have one night stands (and there's nothing wrong with that) doesn't mean that everyone would.

@merrymouse I agree. And there's no way I would willingly allow my DC to go abroad alone at 17. However her parents must (surely?) know that teenagers may do this kind of thing on holiday, and they know she's going abroad alone. I'm not saying that's OK - I'm just saying that there's probably no point talking to the parents.

And if he did choose to have a one stand it's absolutely none of your business!

Difficult. I agree the behaviour sounds unsafe and frankly a little odd - most late teens travel together I don’t know any male or female doing this. But she is nearly an adult and even if you told the parents would they do anything and once she is 18 she can do what she wants anyway

Praps the underage young lady is exaggerating her exploits

@Port1aCastis she's not underage. And "young lady" is bloody patronising

Ok, so absolutely NOT slut shaming. It's not the sleeping with lots of people dd or I are concerned about, it's her safety. The risk of being raped or killed.

The autism comment - a bit of a drip feed here but as I am accused of jumping to conclusions, I should say dd is autistic, so is ds and several other family members so ASD radar is pretty good, DD's is excellent. I wouldn't be surprised if Jane had the ADHD+ASD combo either from the few times I have met her.

Literally my only concern here is her safety. I know dd and the other couple of friends in their close circle have expressed concern to her but I think I will say to DD that they should do so again and if I see her, I will do so myself.

Ultimately, telling her parents would be about protecting me and dd so that if something dreadful happens, we know we tried to prevent it. That's probably not the right reason to do it.

Oh and I do REALLY hope there is an element of exaggeration going on here. It only takes going home with the wrong person, once though