AIBU to NOT tell dd's friend's parents she is putting herself at risk?

[TradingGrapesForWine]

DD has a friend Jane who is 17yrs and will be 18yrs in the summer hols. A few months ago Jane went on a trip by herself abroad (I'm going to ignore the Covid implications as that isn't the point). While she was there she was having one night stands, going back to the flats of men she met on nights out - stuff dd described to me as 'risky' behaviour, I suspect we are not hearing the full extent of things. Dd is not remotely judgey or prudish and usually doesn't tell us any of this stuff but has mentioned it to me and dh separately so I think she is worried.

Now Jane's parents are funding another solo trip abroad (again, consider x 10000000 re. Covid implications) in the summer holidays.

I have no idea if this friend's parents know what she is up to on these breaks but they are delighted with how she has 'caught the travel bug' etc. I don't know the parents but do have contact details (from party pick up arrangements a while ago).

So AIBU to just step back and let this girl get on with putting herself in these situations. She's almost an adult and it's really up to her and none of my business. Her parents either know and don't mind or have no idea. I don't want to betray dd's confidence but there's a part of me that thinks if my dd was doing this, I would hope someone would tell me! I remember a poster on here saying her parents were super liberal and she got up to all sorts of stuff she wasn't equipped to deal with and she wishes her parents had set some rules, that has always stuck with me. Jane is a bit of a drama queen and dd says there is some talk about Jane being autistic (from Jane but other friends think it is likely) but she has no diagnosis. I've met Jane several times and she has no filter. She's actually quite charming but I think quite vulnerable in a way, not so much wears her heart on her sleeve as just hands it over to you straight away IYKWIM.

YANBU - just keep my nose out of it

YABU - say something to the parents (not directly but in a way which protects dd as being the source of this information for example through a third party)

I'm just saying that there's probably no point talking to the parents.

Yes, they seem a little ‘off’.

I would think that my children had ‘caught the travel bug’ if they were saving all their money to go travelling once restrictions had lifted - not if I were funding hotels and flights for solo trips abroad during a pandemic.

(Again, I understand that Covid isn’t the point, but this is an odd time to travel)

What do you think telling her parents achieve? Really none of your business, keep your nose out if it, don’t discuss it with your DD again, would be my advice.

I expect she would listen to peers more than parents at this age. If your dd is worried she should tell her friend her concerns and ideas on how to stay safe.

@Roselilly36

What do you think telling her parents achieve? Really none of your business, keep your nose out if it, don’t discuss it with your DD again, would be my advice.

I agree that talking to the parents will probably achieve nothing, and there is a limit to what the OP can do. However, it is the OP’s business because her DD is clearly worried. Of course she should continue to discuss this.

I don't think you should get involved - primarily because what good would it do? The only way the parents could stop this happening would be to stop the daughter going altogether, which seems a shame, and she would probably find ways to engage in risky behaviour locally. It would have more impact for your DD to tell her to be careful, think about the risks, use barrier contraception etc. to be honest, she's more likely to listen to her than your parents. But unfortunately even semi-vulnerable young adults need to be able to make their own mistakes and learn from them. I wouldn't get involved.

I would equip my dd to have a conversation with her if she thinks she could/ would want to do that, but I would not get directly involved myself.

[quote FuckyouCovid21]@Bbq1 so if your son wanted to go away with his friends at 17, you wouldn't let him? Just because some people might have one night stands (and there's nothing wrong with that) doesn't mean that everyone would.[/quote]
This girl isn’t away with friends though, she’s solo. Nobody knows where she is going out in the evening or would know if she didn’t come back till the end of the week. Its VERY different from going with friends.

The only way the parents could stop this happening would be to stop the daughter going altogether, which seems a shame

Of course the parents shouldn’t be funding these dangerous trips! However, it seems unlikely that the OP would have much influence over their thinking.

OP,
It is clear from your post you are NOT slut shaming but concerned.

Her parents seem very very off to be allowing her to head off like that.

Unfortunately I don't believe it is your place but I can certainly understand your being concerned.
She is putting herself at risk.

This is between your daughter and her friend.
It is your daughter's place to speak to her friend about her safety and minding herself.
Very strange behaviour from her parents, is she hard work at home? Are they looking for a rest from her?

Very strange behaviour from ANY parent.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be concerned about a young woman's safety/welfare, at all, OP - especially as you're a mother and probably viewing it from the perspective of how you'd feel if it were your daughter going home with randoms she's met in a club abroad, miles away from home and its safety net.

I'd also suggest, though, that your own daughter is probably more anxious/worried about her friend's safety than you realise. If she's spoken to your husband about her friend's sex life... as well as to you - at that age, I'd be wondering how worried she actually is. I'm mid-40s now, with two children, and my father likes to maintain the illusion that I - and all my friends (male and female) he watched growing up - am as pure as the proverbially driven snow... My mother, on the other hand... The only time I would have mentioned sex in and around a conversation with my father, would have been if I were seeking his advice/wisdom, because of being worried silly about a friend.

Do I think you should have a few quiet words with the friend's parents? That's a tricky one. I can't see it being received well, no matter how good your intentions. They might feel as though you're criticising their parenting, whilst signalling how great a parent you are, for example - and that won't end well. Particularly if you only know them vaguely. I think all that you can do is be there, if/when it all goes wrong for the friend - I know that I've turned to friends mothers for advice over the years when my own weren't emotionally available to me. Or suggest to your daughter that she approach her friend's mother with her concerns about the girl's safety? The travelling is a red herring, though. I have a friend who, when she was 17, abandoned me at a club in the middle of nowhere (I was 19) on NYE to "go home" with three strange men who'd picked her up in the carpark whilst I was trying to find my boyfriend. She got in a car with them... and I could not persuade her out of it. As she was meant to be staying at mine that night, I went home and called her parents. Her mother's response to the fact that her (very young) 17-year-old daughter was with strangers, who knew where? "What can I do about it?" I've never forgotten her disinterest and, after that, policed my friend more closely. I shouldn't have had to... but I did. Because I felt the weight of responsibility for her safety, being the older one in the friendship. Now, 25 years ago, we can laugh about it - and she admits that if it were one of her daughters, she'd be terrified/horrified - but that's only through pure chance.

I get your point but her parents know her better than you and are paying for her to go overseas. She’ll be an adult on the next trip.

I let my autistic DD go away alone at 16 on a camping trip to a LARPing event 300 miles away. But it was a properly organised event in the UK.
I think allowing a naive and possibly also autistic 17 year old to travel abroad alone is rather negligent parenting.
My non autistic second DD travelled alone and worked her way round Oz and SE Asia for a year at 21, and I was worried sick about her even at that age. However, she had been away from home at uni and was fairly streetwise, which it sounds that this girl is not.
OP, why not invite the girl round and discuss some simple safety strategies with her? Tell her you are very worried about her. Mention the murdered backpacker. Make clear you are not “slut shaming” - ridiculous phrase - but concerned for her safety.

What you've heard is second hand and gossip. The parents can parent their own child as you do yours. Don't interfere.

I think going on holiday on your own at 17 sounds more weird than having one night stands tbh. Are you sure she's not travelling with anyone?

It’s difficult when you hear of a definite or potential situation where people may be putting themselves at risk. I’m someone that will say something from a place of concern and maybe it will make no difference at all and that person may even deeply resent you for it.

I have never really understood how travel makes people more mature or independent f they are just going to a country and getting drunk and sleeping around.

Making sure you have your passport safe, finding your way around a strange city when you don’t know the local language, working out exchange rates and getting to a plane on time requires some brain power. That’s where the maturity lies.

Gosh this is a really difficult one. As a parent, if my daughter was putting herself at risk in this way I would want someone to tell me! The risks are great, including sexually transmitted diseases.
17 is very young and in my opinion still very vulnerable. Some of these actions may affect her for the rest of her life.
It sounds like she may benefit from some guidance.
As some of the other posters have said, it would be good to talk to your daughter and see whether she thinks her friend could be supported and in what way. As teens, my friends and I would pop to the sexual health clinics together and guidance could be gained in this way...but this is just one area of risk to consider.
I think I would be sharing the information with her parents after discussing with my daughter... Really hard one though. Good luck!

Why not just be there for her and let her know that you are a safe space for her if she needs to talk to someone. You cannot really broach the specific subject of what shes been up to but you can show an interest and start a conversation about her travels - if she needs to talk then she will open up maybe?

This girl isn’t away with friends though, she’s solo. Nobody knows where she is going out in the evening or would know if she didn’t come back till the end of the week. Its VERY different from going with friends.

I was going to make the same point. It's different being on your own.
My first holiday abroad was when I was 19 and I went with 2 friends. One of them went off with one of the hotel staff....but we would have known if she didnt come back the next day.

It wouldn't surprise me if the parents know.

When my DD was about 14, she showed me a FB pic of one of the pupils at school. This girl was posing on her doorstep, with her shorts around her ankles. I was horrified and pondered whether to talk to the school (no idea who the parents were). Turns out this girl had her Mum as a FB friend. Bonkers!

One of my DD's school friends (now age 22), has never worked since leaving school. Her parents financially support her, as she tries to get in to modelling. They are not rich by any terms, so I have no idea how they manage to pay for her rent and bills on top of their own). She poses nude outside for lots of pics. Some middle aged guy takes her photo's - often naked in the woods. These photo's are all over her Instagram and FB pages, for all (including Mum and Dad) to see. WTF?

We have all done things that when we look back with age and experience we can see we had put ourselves in danger.

Leaving aside the sex element and whether the person is male or femail, how would you feel if you had not done all you could to warn a young person of the dangers. Whether they are your own or someone elses child.

Heaven forbid that the worst happened, how would you feel if the person disappeared never to be heard of again or found dead in a ditch somewhere and the parents were saying that they didn't think their child would be so reckless. Do you say well yes, they were telling their friends what they were up to but I didn't think it was my place to say anything. If someone travelling alone didn't return to their accommodation, it would be some time before anything was done to look for them.

As a PP has said, I think your best bet is to prime your daughter to reinforce the dangers to her friend. Then, should the worse happen, you would at least feel you did all you could.

I would talk to your DD and see if she would be happy for you to say something. If she is, then tell them. They can't stop her doing these things but they don't have to fund it out of their own pockets!

I think it would be very different if it was a boy ... far less female psychos wanting to rape or maim for a start!

Personally if her parents are funding this, in these times and letting their daughter go abroad, Id let them get on with it. The parents obviously don't read the news or sound responsible anyway. I doubt they'd listen if you approached them. Too much money and heads in the sand.

She’s a child. I’d want to know if it were my child. I wouldn’t be funding such activities and yes, I’d definitely be ‘slut shaming’. I wouldn’t use those words. though, as I think they’re silly and unhelpful, normalising promiscuity and high risk behaviour.

I would certainly be having a conversation about safety, respect, risks in short and long term and doing something more constructive than being promiscuous.

@Disneyforever1974

OP you may want to consider that she might be making it all up so her holiday seems more exciting than it actually was. If she went on her own and with some COVID restrictions still in place it is possible she was bored and lonely. Also everything *@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep* said

Yes it’s certainly possible that someone here is making it up…