AIBU to NOT tell dd's friend's parents she is putting herself at risk?

[TradingGrapesForWine]

DD has a friend Jane who is 17yrs and will be 18yrs in the summer hols. A few months ago Jane went on a trip by herself abroad (I'm going to ignore the Covid implications as that isn't the point). While she was there she was having one night stands, going back to the flats of men she met on nights out - stuff dd described to me as 'risky' behaviour, I suspect we are not hearing the full extent of things. Dd is not remotely judgey or prudish and usually doesn't tell us any of this stuff but has mentioned it to me and dh separately so I think she is worried.

Now Jane's parents are funding another solo trip abroad (again, consider x 10000000 re. Covid implications) in the summer holidays.

I have no idea if this friend's parents know what she is up to on these breaks but they are delighted with how she has 'caught the travel bug' etc. I don't know the parents but do have contact details (from party pick up arrangements a while ago).

So AIBU to just step back and let this girl get on with putting herself in these situations. She's almost an adult and it's really up to her and none of my business. Her parents either know and don't mind or have no idea. I don't want to betray dd's confidence but there's a part of me that thinks if my dd was doing this, I would hope someone would tell me! I remember a poster on here saying her parents were super liberal and she got up to all sorts of stuff she wasn't equipped to deal with and she wishes her parents had set some rules, that has always stuck with me. Jane is a bit of a drama queen and dd says there is some talk about Jane being autistic (from Jane but other friends think it is likely) but she has no diagnosis. I've met Jane several times and she has no filter. She's actually quite charming but I think quite vulnerable in a way, not so much wears her heart on her sleeve as just hands it over to you straight away IYKWIM.

YANBU - just keep my nose out of it

YABU - say something to the parents (not directly but in a way which protects dd as being the source of this information for example through a third party)

She's almost an adult and it's really up to her and none of my business.

Answered your own question here

OP have you considered maybe the parents don’t give a shit? They’d have to be breathtakingly naive/stupid to not have any idea that a 17/18 year old might be putting themselves in risky situations if given the opportunity (isn’t that the MO for many at that age?)

“AdrianaP
This is definitely misogynistic as well, as nobody would care if a teenage boy would behave like this.”

I disagree.
Also, if the teenage boy were gay I’d worry even in that they might come across someone bigger and stronger who might attack them.

Of course it’s not slut shaming. Unfortunately, OP, I do not think you should say anything as she is so nearly an adult; and it doesn’t seem you’ve personally been a friend of hers and her parents for years.

The ‘Safe Travel advice’ another poster mentioned - to be passed on by your DD - might be the best hope.

I should say dd is autistic, so is ds and several other family members so ASD radar is pretty good, DD's is excellent. I wouldn't be surprised if Jane had the ADHD+ASD combo either from the few times I have met her.

Yet you didn’t say it was you and your DD who think the girl is autistic, you clearly said there was talk from “other friends” (and Jane herself).

As your DD is autistic, it’s possible that she has misinterpreted or unintentionally exaggerated or simplified what is going on. Of course now you’ll come back and say your DD is really careful and fair and never does these things, in fact she’s practically NT with no autistic traits whereas this undiagnosed girl with her drama Queen tendencies has lots of autistic and now also ADHD traits.

Would you be starting a thread like this if the friend was male?

I know you feel you're doing it for the girl's safety but yes it feels like slut shaming.

I know most of mnet thinks young people shouldn't go out their home alone before the age of 32 but most "normal" youngsters are living a fairly independent life at17.

You’ve had lots of good advice and mixed views as it’s not a clean cut issue. It’s not ideal behaviour but at the same time, young adults deserve the right to make their own mistakes.

If you do chose to speak to her parents then you need to discuss with your dd first as you would be throwing a hand grenade into her friendship. You should also consider the personal implications if you betray your dd’s confidence - will she ever tell you things again about herself or her friends behaviour?

She is nearly 18. Legally adult but lots of young people are immature till 20/25. She could be a parent, join the army etc. If her learning difficulty is bad enough to deem her vulnerable social services could safeguard but surely she would have had an assessment. Unfortunately lots of people are at risk though mild disabilities or social problems and they do get abused and exploited
If you know her well enough have a quiet word about the danger and need of protecting herself. Talk to your your dd before you approach her parents. They can't stop her but might rethink financial support

In fairness, I’d hold the same views about my son. We wouldn’t have funded such activities and would want to have the risk reduction strategies conversation with him. Indeed we have as he has travelled a lot and young men are at far higher risk of attack than young women.

@Bellringer

She is nearly 18. Legally adult but lots of young people are immature till 20/25. She could be a parent, join the army etc. If her learning difficulty is bad enough to deem her vulnerable social services could safeguard but surely she would have had an assessment. Unfortunately lots of people are at risk though mild disabilities or social problems and they do get abused and exploited If you know her well enough have a quiet word about the danger and need of protecting herself. Talk to your your dd before you approach her parents. They can't stop her but might rethink financial support

FFS

1. Autism is NOT a learning difficulty. It may result in one but it isn’t one in and of itself.

1. The girl is not even diagnosed with anything.

In a way I think being confident enough to be travelling around foreign countries by yourself at 17 is pretty cool. Dh has just reminded me he bought a plane ticket to Africa when he was 18 and went alone. Bloke though, which sadly does make a difference

I would be equally concerned about the safety of a 17-year-old boy travelling alone if I knew he was engaging in similarly risky behaviour. Aren't boys actually more likely to be the victims of violence?

Maybe talk to your daughter and see if she wants to tell her friends parents. You can do it for her if she wants, or maybe speak to the friend yourself with your daughter. Not everyone knows how to be safe, in fact most don't really.

I agree with this from SmokeyDevil. ^

[quote FuckyouCovid21]@Bbq1 so if your son wanted to go away with his friends at 17, you wouldn't let him? Just because some people might have one night stands (and there's nothing wrong with that) doesn't mean that everyone would.[/quote]
With friends, yes
Alone, no

I would not tell her parents, what she does is her business, and not much different to what young people do on holidays every year. Also, I suspect that her parents don’t care that much anyway-funding solo trips abroad rather than a group holiday for a 16/17 is unusual and it would indicate to me that they are unconcerned about the problems-not just dodgy men, she could run into and would be too inexperienced to deal with.

I’d keep my nose out and be grateful it wasn’t my own daughter tbh. Her parents are enabling this by paying for it, they sound incredibly naive and I’m amazed they think this is a safe thing for a 17 year old to do alone. Most teenagers go travelling with a friend at least, there’s no way most parents would send their 17 year off completely alone. They just sound a bit dim and feckless but that’s their burden to bear if anything awful happens, they’ve allowed and funded this.

I initially thought you should point out the danger of solo travel to the parents but really I don't think they'd listen or write you off as jealous because they can afford to allow their DD to travel and you can't.

I think your DD should possibly talk to her on the dangers of going off with strangers esp in a country where nobody knows her. Just because you don't hear about rapes and stuff overseas doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

But ultimately its the girls decision nobody else's.

How well do you know Jane personally? Does she spend much time at your house? If so could you get into conversation and talk about your own wild* youth and the lessons you learned about personal safety and being street smart. You don't have to lecture or warn her directly; just let her learn from someone who's been there/done that.

*If you didn't have a wild youth use your imagination!

As an aside I left home at 17 to work in a UK holiday resort and really, really wouldn't have wanted my parents to know what I got up to. So glad there was no SM in the 1980's...

@Bryonyshcmyony

In a way I think being confident enough to be travelling around foreign countries by yourself at 17 is pretty cool. Dh has just reminded me he bought a plane ticket to Africa when he was 18 and went alone. Bloke though, which sadly does make a difference

Dh has just reminded me he bought a plane ticket

I think the key difference here is that he bought the ticket - you need a certain amount of maturity to fund and organise your own travel.

There is also a difference between solo travelling to explore new places in normal times and travelling to hang out in a holiday resort during Covid.

I think the OP and her DD are correctly sensing that something is a bit off about these trips.

@HeavenHotel

Would you be starting a thread like this if the friend was male?

I know you feel you're doing it for the girl's safety but yes it feels like slut shaming.

I know most of mnet thinks young people shouldn't go out their home alone before the age of 32 but most "normal" youngsters are living a fairly independent life at17.

Yes, it would also be worrying if a 17 year old boy was behaving in the same way.

Somebody who still needs their parents to fund their holidays probably shouldn’t be travelling alone.

A 17 year old boy or girl who is being taken to a different person’s flat every night is not having relationships with peers.

Ultimately, telling her parents would be about protecting me and dd so that if something dreadful happens, we know we tried to prevent it. That's probably not the right reason to do it.

Yes, absolutely not the right reason; you'd be doing it to clear your own conscience and not for the benefit of the friend - who may or may not be even telling the truth.

I'd guess that unless her parents are very stupid or naïve, you're not getting the full story. I'm willing to bet they know their daughter better than you or your DD and it may be the case that she's staying with extended family or friends and therefore not "alone".

Either way, there is no way you can communicate your concerns to them without sounding like you're judging them or their daughter - which I don't believe you are and I do understand your concern but I don't think there's any good outcome here. Either creating a shitstorm between friends or a very awkward atmosphere with the friend's parents and fracturing her relationship with her parents; either because she's lying or because they'll question their own parenting.

It's not your place, stay out of it.

[quote FuckyouCovid21]@Bbq1 so if your son wanted to go away with his friends at 17, you wouldn't let him? Just because some people might have one night stands (and there's nothing wrong with that) doesn't mean that everyone would.[/quote]
Oh yes, with friends but not just travelling alone no.

I think my autism radar is pretty damn good too. It doesn’t effect what is reasonable to do in a given situation, and autists don’t lack capacity in anyway, so I’m surprised you’re throwing that in there, TBH. Unless you baby yours, which isn’t a great idea. Ive put quite a lot of effort into teaching my street smarts.

Teaching mine^ (meaning my aspie DC)

@merrymouse

The only way the parents could stop this happening would be to stop the daughter going altogether, which seems a shame

Of course the parents shouldn’t be funding these dangerous trips! However, it seems unlikely that the OP would have much influence over their thinking.

It is very sad that this child has such neglectful parents.

Sad too that so many people do not care about a child in such a dangerous situation and would go so far as to try and shame anyone expressing concern.

Arranging or paying for the travel of a child under 18 in the knowledge they will be sexually exploited by another person or persons in the destination country is a trafficking offence.

I would say her parents should be questioning their parenting.