Can someone help me sort my life out

[stuckinrutt]

Frequent poster just name changed as I need some advice on what to do with myself.

I'm stuck in a rut and miserable as hell, I'm 25 with two DC's 4&2 I work part time 30hours at the hospital in a admin role.

OH is early thirties he is a stay at home dad but also runs a small online reselling business on eBay, some months he can bring in a good large amount some months it could be low.

Our bills are fairly low however we have debt so all our money goes on paying debt off. I'm absolutely sick of being poor all the time everything I buy is always on clearpay/Klarna. We have about 3k in savings.

I want a better life for me and my family but I don't know what to do. How do I get out of this trap, it's either I work my arse of and take as much over time as possible and not see my family, but I also need to think about starting college this year I can't deal with being stuck in a dead end job with a low wage forever.

Sorry for rambling on I just don't know what to do I need some guidance.

You need to sort out your situation so you both have access to equal amounts of money. Resentment can build if you think that one person in a marriage has more freedom to spend money than the other. If you feel you are working for nothing that isn't a great place to be.

I also think you need to decide what you want from a job / career and I honestly say this from my position as a working mum. If you want to earn more money you need to look at how you can in the longer term. Look at what jobs you could do in the future that would pay more and see what you can do to get there. A longer term plan of seeing where you can get to might get you out of the mental rut that you feel you are in.

@Jazzybeats

If OH is taking home after tax 1-3k a month and does all the childcare, I’m not sure you have an OH problem contrary to what some have implied.

A job that allowed him to take home 2k/ month after tax would pay £30k a year before tax.

The real issue is how you are both budgeting. You need to look hard at income and outgoings. You will have to sacrifice some things. But you should be able to free up some cash to start paying down your debt. What are your major out goings?

Is any of the debt secured?

I agree it seems more of a DH problem. You don't need to combine finances, but you do need to be working on the same page and working together when it comes to money.

What kind of degree are you planning on doing? Sometimes, university is just a hell of a lot of money, hard work and time and you're not guaranteed any increase in income. You may be better looking at qualifications to do at work and trying to work your way up the career ladder. I feel you could be heading towards burn out, if you are not careful.

Sorry @Jazzybeats I completely misread your post! Please ignore my quoting you.

So he is earning a good wage and saving the family thousands each year in childcare costs, so he is providing well financially. As the main provider he shouldn’t be the one changing his work.

Why are you only working thirty hours a week? Are you able to increase your hours in your job?

Look at the interest rate on your savings versus your debt, unless the interest rate is higher on your savings it is better to use that £3k towards debt payments.

Most of the above advice you already know. So why aren't you just actioning it?

Your doing perfectly fine. This is the “slog” part of life when it comes to finances. You need to hang in there for a few more years and once both children are at school life will improve a lot.

If OH is taking home after tax 1-3k a month and does all the childcare, I’m not sure you have an OH problem contrary to what some have implied.

I agree. Not an OP problem. He's more than pulling his weight. Actually, I'd say he's a bit of a "super-dad" if he's doing all the childcare, his share of chores and bringing more than half the money.

That's not to make you feel bad, OP. You're doing great too (only 25, 2 young kids, good job, savings).

Actually, between the two of you, you're doing fantastically and both pulling your weight. Yes, you could up your hours or your DH could do one day a week in a "proper" (for want of a better word) job and you could be SAHP for that day.

Your problems are:

1. Debt.
2. Spending.
3. Your job.

Do you pool what you earn? On the months when your DH earns £3k, where does this money go? It wasn't clear from your posts. You need to sit down with your DH and come up with a household budget that covers essentials and minimum debt payments. Anything you both earn above that should be diverted into paying down your debt further and savings, with a certain amount taken out each month (if you can afford it that month) as spending money.

In your shoes, I would look at either applying for better paid jobs with more progression prospects or upping my hours.

I'd leave the re-training for when both DC are at school and you can study alongside doing paid work.

And it's not that we're skint OH has more money that me I'm the one that usually never has nothing and I'm constantly asking him to send me money.

Herein lies part of the problem. Relationships don't work if one partner has lots of spending money and the other partner is struggling to get by. What happens to your OH's earnings?

It does make sense for your OH to get a job. He wouldn’t usually stay on the same salary or title forever, so you’d hope there’s be some progression. Plus he gets a pension and paid holiday and sick pay.

Also, you could increase your own hours to full time plus overtime if he is planning to stay as a SAHD.

The longer he’s out of the job market, the harder it will be to get back in.

Why do you have to go to college? You are already in an admin role, do more qualifications through your learning and development team.

Some people can't see past the fact the OH doesn't have a standard job. 1k to 3k a month and no childcare? Makes perfect sense to stay at home.

I would wonder why he has more money than you though. I think you need to talk about that.

Maybe see if you can go full time...or OH do a couple of weekend or evening shifts somewhere...as long as he had enough time for the eBay business..

have you consolidated debts? I mean find a low interest loan to pay off any high interest loans then focus on clearing it

Do you have a proper budget? Like a spreadsheet of all the outgoings and a clear plan to clear the debt

As pp said I don't think you are doing as badly as you think. Plenty have debts and you want to clear them. You've got some savings. You just need a plan together to get it paid off quicker and ensure you have spending money, not just the OH. It is miserable having no money. Good luck. X

Why aren't you full time if DH is a stay at home parent? Or have I missed something?

@Bluesheep8

Why aren't you full time if DH is a stay at home parent? Or have I missed something?

Yes you missed something - OP explaining that she’d be sad to spend more time away from her kids. Personally I’d be more sad to decide to have 2 children so young (so zero time pressure) when I had so much debt 🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway, sounds like there are two issues here:

1. They’re still making poor spending choices
2. They haven’t worked out how to manage two separate incomes properly

Personally I’d be more sad to decide to have 2 children so young (so zero time pressure) when I had so much debt

So judgemental. Comments like this stop people asking for help and advice. You also have no idea why there is debt, or when it happened, OP hasn't said. The comment also isn't helpful as it's not solution focused...maybe just get rid of the kids then until the debts gone? No need for it.

I’m guessing he doesn’t want to work because then he’d pay tax
I’d be flabbergasted if he’s declaring fully

@Sometimesfraught82

I’m guessing he doesn’t want to work because then he’d pay tax I’d be flabbergasted if he’s declaring fully

That’s my feeling. And therefore not paying his NI, which will disadvantage them when it comes to pension rights, especially in the absence of a workplace pension. Financial planning has to extend that far ahead, especially given how young they are, and the fact that it’s v unlikely that the state pension will be enough to keep them by the time they retire. I hope they also have life insurance etc sorted, given they have dependents. It all seems quite arse about face to me.

But the op will be aware of this
There will likely be quite a lot of cash floating aeons this family
Plus factor in benefit because he won’t be declaring so regarded as low income family I suspect

Just FYI to some posters re that state pension.. if the child benefit is in his name he will get credits towards his pension. If you don't work to care for a child these credits are given for you up until the youngest child is 12. That's why it's important to register for cb even as a high earner family who don't get any CB if one parent is a sahp

Obviously if he's paying tax on his eBay business then he gets his pension contributions that way.

Just wanted to clear up this misconception that I see on MN time and time again.

@Sweak

Personally I’d be more sad to decide to have 2 children so young (so zero time pressure) when I had so much debt

So judgemental. Comments like this stop people asking for help and advice. You also have no idea why there is debt, or when it happened, OP hasn't said. The comment also isn't helpful as it's not solution focused...maybe just get rid of the kids then until the debts gone? No need for it.

I think it’s helpful because it points out that there is a time and a place for “sad”.

So the solution-focused version is: “get over being “sad” about working, and up your hours to the commonly accepted number of full time until your debt is paid off.”

OP said she wants to sort her life out - my advice is to sort it out by working more now even if her choices have made her sad.

Another option is to cost out how much that debt is going to cost if she stays on 30 hours and pays it off slower. The cost of not being sad, if you like. It’s a legitimate calculation, and she can make her peace with it, if she likes.

So no, I’m obviously not suggesting getting rid of the kids 🙄

I’m suggesting that she revisit feeling sad as a reason not to work full time.

Really appreciate some of these comments and they have put some things into perspective for me. We definitely need to do a spreadsheet. We do waste money on things we don't need and popping to the shops and buying rubbish.

OH usually pays most of the bills and I usually pay rent gas and electric. But after all that I don't have much left. He earns enough to pay his bills put some in the savings and have some to live off and I don't have that I'm always asking him for money and I hate it but I guess that's more my fault than anything.

@Sweak actually OP did say where the debt came from. Not pound for pound which cause, but a part (and as it’s given as a cause, presumably a major contributor) was putting “a few” holidays on credit cards.

@stuckinrutt

Really appreciate some of these comments and they have put some things into perspective for me. We definitely need to do a spreadsheet. We do waste money on things we don't need and popping to the shops and buying rubbish.

OH usually pays most of the bills and I usually pay rent gas and electric. But after all that I don't have much left. He earns enough to pay his bills put some in the savings and have some to live off and I don't have that I'm always asking him for money and I hate it but I guess that's more my fault than anything.

This is absolutely what you need to address.

It sounds like you easily have enough money - as a family - to focus on debt repayments.

@Cocomarine yes this second post is solutions focused, after ive called you out on your unhelpful post. Your judgemental '2 children so young' post was no help whatsoever.

[quote Sweak]@Cocomarine yes this second post is solutions focused, after ive called you out on your unhelpful post. Your judgemental '2 children so young' post was no help whatsoever.[/quote]
After you called me out? Please.

The exact same post that you quoted. The paragraph after you stopped quoting.

Where I said that there were two issues (numbered 1 and 2) that she needed to review her unnecessary spending and work out how to do joint finances… which are the two things the OP has herself just posted to say that she needs to address.

Don’t selectively quote.

[quote Sweak]@Cocomarine yes this second post is solutions focused, after ive called you out on your unhelpful post. Your judgemental '2 children so young' post was no help whatsoever.[/quote]
Agreed
It was totally random