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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking being a SAHM is work?

710 replies

morepizza · 16/06/2021 17:19

Work is defined as:

noun
noun: work; plural noun: works; plural noun: the works
1 1. 
activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

I think this includes SAH parental duties. I know a lot of people don't agree with me. What else would it be called?

OP posts:
AgathaAllAlong · 16/06/2021 20:03

I agree with the difference between work and employment being the problem here.

That definition you have is ridiculous and actually encompasses almost any active goal directed activity. Taking a shit is an activity involving physical effort done in order to achieve a result.

No one denies that being a parent and home maker involves activity. The question really is: is it a job?

ScrollingLeaves · 16/06/2021 20:03

The question wasn’t whether SAHM work harder or less hard than those who go to work.

It was just ‘is it work’?

Women who go out to work may well be doing two jobs. Most have, to a few may choose to because it is more interesting.

Many SAHM may have chosen this because they would never earn as much as childcare would cost.

Some can afford it easily, or afford by going without, and choose it so as not to be a stressed out mother doing two jobs at once.

Being a SAHM is not the same as having a job. It is work in its own way though.

Some SAHM do far more than childcare, cooking and cleaning both at home and in their wider community.

Empanadas · 16/06/2021 20:04

“bored and not progressing in life.”

Bingo!

(only “you are a poor role model” to go now folks. It’s coming for sure, I know it.., )

Forstarters · 16/06/2021 20:05

I think the issue with having no financial independence is a real one. Having seen a number of non-working mums really struggle after separation it’s not a position I’d ever want to put myself in personally. I know a woman who was a high earning head of marketing end up part time in a school scraping by, raising her kids on her own doing a job she hates. If she’d not given her career up she could have had a much happier life. She really regrets it but she thought her husband and her would be together forever. And stories like this do make me worry for others that don’t consider it.

NannyAndJohn · 16/06/2021 20:06

It is a job.

A 24/7 one.

Original poster
morepizza · 16/06/2021 20:08

@AgathaAllAlong

I agree with the difference between work and employment being the problem here.

That definition you have is ridiculous and actually encompasses almost any active goal directed activity. Taking a shit is an activity involving physical effort done in order to achieve a result.

No one denies that being a parent and home maker involves activity. The question really is: is it a job?

Take it up with the Oxford dictionary
OP posts:
Schoolpickup · 16/06/2021 20:08

@Empanadas That's right, it is a 'full house' . Very apt!!

Beannag · 16/06/2021 20:09

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I'm incredulous at all these working parents that just leave their babies at home alone while they go off to work. Do any of them survive?
What does that even mean?
bubblesforlife · 16/06/2021 20:09

I don’t consider it work in the sense that it is not paid and you can watch tv during the day, if you wanted. But what I would say is being a SAHM is hard , much harder than a 9-5, if you are good at keeping on top of all housework, cooking, childcare and admin. As that should be the job is a SAHM in my opinion.
I would rather the 9-5 then do the SAHM job. As I would feel that I would need to have everything 100% to make up not having an income. When I work, all house items are shared 50% with DH. I prefer that.

BeeDavis · 16/06/2021 20:12

Absolutely not. Having children is not a job, raising them is not work! It’s a bloody blessing.

Schoolpickup · 16/06/2021 20:12

I think the OP just needs a gold medal for whatever frustration led her to posting today and doling out sass, then we can close this thread and do what we do every day which is get on with our lives and find healthier ways to vent our frustration than doing thread 1000000001 on the same topic.

HarrisMcCoo · 16/06/2021 20:13

I am a SAHM and see it as work especially as I have DC with additional needs. I couldn't hold down a paid job for all the clinic appointments that I need to attend.

Posieandpip · 16/06/2021 20:13

Well, cleaning the sink is work. Hoovering the floor. Taking a shower. Literally so much stuff is technically work. Doesn't mean it's the same as having a job or going to work? Also doesn't mean it can stand in place of these things as a lot of parents do this work and also go to work. Not being snide, got no problem with SAHM as have been one in the past, just don't get why people think stating being a mum is technically 'work' proves as yeah. Lots of things are work.

Schoolpickup · 16/06/2021 20:17

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I'm incredulous at all these working parents that just leave their babies at home alone while they go off to work. Do any of them survive?

Bingo!

Yes @Empanadas this is fun!

Empanadas · 16/06/2021 20:21

Bonus points for -

“start squirrelling money away”

“get your free half hour with a solicitor”

any post that references “the 1950s”

Ozanj · 16/06/2021 20:23

It’s the SAHM label that’s stupid. Women who stay at home to look after their kids aren’t doing so just for childcare, they often have to do all of the housework / chores / diy / shopping / planning thinking work for the entire family too. In many households working mums need to do all of that too PLUS do a full day’s work.

HarrisMcCoo · 16/06/2021 20:24

@spanielstail

No it isn't work. It's a very privileged position to be in, to have a husband that can financially support the whole family so that you can stay home and bring up the children and have a lower stress way of life.
Unfortunately not stress free...DH is indeed the breadwinner and I take DC to appointments regularly. Nothing I love more than trips to hospital/clinics as there's input from various health professionals. I am doubtful that I will ever get back to work.
NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 16/06/2021 20:24

Minding children is work whether they are yours or someone else's and whether you're getting paid or not.

What makes a childminder's job work is the act of minding more children than just your own, thus contributing value to the economy by freeing up labour elsewhere. It's the economy of scale of professional childcare. I think part of why SAHP are in decline is family size is shrinking. It was more justifiable to not work outside the home when it was more common to have 3 or 4 children, now many people only have 1 or 2 and so a SAHP is not "fully utilised" in the way a childminder with more children is.

JesusWeptonaBike · 16/06/2021 20:25

I'm a SAHP to my 2 year old DC and I can't wait to go back to work.
The plan was for me to stay at home until she was at school, but the terrible twos have hit hard and I need a break.
I'm job hunting now and fingers crossed I find something soon!

Rosesareyellow · 16/06/2021 20:25

But what I would say is being a SAHM is hard , much harder than a 9-5

I think people who say this must never have done any kind of remotely demanding work before becoming a parent. I can imagine if whatever job you did before having kids involved just pissing about all day or not using your brain that you can then tell yourself that being a SAHP is really difficult and demanding - but there are plenty of jobs that are more physically and mentally exhausting than looking after your child and doing housework.

NerrSnerr · 16/06/2021 20:26

It is work but it's different to having a job. I work part time and I find the working days stressful as as a family we're juggling drop offs and pick ups, who goes to pick the child up when you get the dreaded phone call from school or nursery, how do you juggle the reception class ridiculous fortnight of settling in etc etc. All that is before the actual stress of whatever job you're doing.

On my days off the school calls I just go and get them (of course don't get them from nursery as that child's with me then). Settling in sessions etc all fine as I'm around etc.

I personally find the mental strain much easier on my home days.

Ozanj · 16/06/2021 20:26

[quote Schoolpickup]@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

I'm incredulous at all these working parents that just leave their babies at home alone while they go off to work. Do any of them survive?

Bingo!

Yes @Empanadas this is fun![/quote]
50% of the babies in the nursery where I work have a sahm. Don’t pretend all SAHMs are run ragged doing childcare - many outsource it as soon as possible.

NerrSnerr · 16/06/2021 20:29

Following on from my post- from September my youngest will be in school and I will remain part time and will have 2 school days to myself where I can do the shopping, housework, 'life admin' (and watch many reruns of friends!). I cannot bloody wait- it feels like a massive luxury.

Being a SAHM to school age children can't be harder than having a job when you get at least 5 hours a day to yourself??

lms2017 · 16/06/2021 20:30

@Shirleyphallus

It’s work but it isn’t a job or a career. It’s also a real luxury to be able to dick around from home looking after children than the mental graft of a proper job
Haha. Well my partner is a massive grafter in his job everyday 4 am till 7pm intense non stop manual labour everyday ....

He even said looking after a child is much more difficult.

I suppose because you can't just "dick around " to the shops , or pop to the cafe for lunch , go for a piss on your own etc "

Pollypudding · 16/06/2021 20:30

I really think that what is important is to respect one another’s choices and not sit in judgement. Also to acknowledge that not everyone has a free choice due to their individual circumstances.
Yes- being a SAHP is work, yes having a job is work.