In thinking being a SAHM is work?

[morepizza]

Work is defined as:

noun
noun: work; plural noun: works; plural noun: the works
1 1. 
activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.

I think this includes SAH parental duties. I know a lot of people don't agree with me. What else would it be called?

As others keep saying, it is just so individual - I found being a SAHM a piece of cake, I had a really easy time, maybe I was lucky in that I had a very easy DC, a DH who pulled his weight (& most importantly valued what I was doing) and I have very low standards about housework. I never experienced the 'never having a minute to myself' people talk about and I never was disturbed in the toilet .

Compare that going to being at work, dealing with nightmare IT issues, sales targets, no chance of having a lunch break (don't bother to tell me that's 'illegal') etc etc - being at home was the easiest few years I've ever had. Long lazy days out, picnics, meeting friends, reading loads of books, going to the gym (with a crèche) .... happy memories .

But I appreciate I was fortunate, having a child with SN, having financial issues, a non supportive partner, living in a high rise flat with no garden etc etc would be a totally different experience.

it's not about being a doctor - it's about being a human being - a decent one. They don't just arrive - someone has to parent and provide for them.

Yes, but that still doesn't have anything to do with being a sahp though does it? As children with parents who work still need parenting.

It's more just saying parenting is work. Which it is. I'm not saying being a sahp isn't work by the way.

Most of the reasons SAHMs state for it being so hard apply to all parents. Housework, life admin, sleepless nights, cooking etc. It is tough at times but it’s no easier to do that and juggle paid work.

Hell. I’m obviously doing this working mum bit wrong as according to this thread, only SAHMs do any cleaning, chores, cooking, chauffeuring, admin and parenting. Didn’t realise paid employment should come with an army of staff to “adult” for me. Who do I complain to?

@Rosesareyellow

It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done. When you’re a SAHM the work never stops; there’s always admin and household stuff and chores and planning.

Household chores don’t stop for anyone. I’d love to know what this demanding but vague list of ‘admin’ and ‘planning’ and actually entails.

The list of “admin” usually consists of the once-a-year jobs like MOT and calling insurance companies and then jobs which don’t really need to be jobs like buying birthday presents for a 3 year old whose party you’re attending

there’s always admin and household stuff and chores

Indeed. Just like everyone else has to do!

And please someone explain to me what people becoming doctors have to do with SAHMs?! My cousin is a doctor-his mum worked full time as a teacher. Where’s the link?!

My admin consists of writing my child's (teenager) EHCP, doing Tribunal paperwork, doing 40 page DLA applications, filling in behavioural sheets, constantly chasing service providers to make sure that they provide what they are supposed to provide, chasing the LA to make sure they obey the law, school meetings, social care meetings, health meetings, sourcing necessary disability products which are only available from particular companies online. Household tasks include cleaning up urine, poo and blood from furnishings on a regular basis - what sahp need to do varies considerably.

It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done. When you’re a SAHM the work never stops; there’s always admin and household stuff and chores and planning.
When you work those things still need to be done on top of your working hours, probably taking more planning causing more administration and stress.

@Underhisi

My admin consists of writing my child's (teenager) EHCP, doing Tribunal paperwork, doing 40 page DLA applications, filling in behavioural sheets, constantly chasing service providers to make sure that they provide what they are supposed to provide, chasing the LA to make sure they obey the law, school meetings, social care meetings, health meetings, sourcing necessary disability products which are only available from particular companies online. Household tasks include cleaning up urine, poo and blood from furnishings on a regular basis - what sahp need to do varies considerably.

I would say you’re a carer not just a SAHP. Two different roles, even if there is some overlapping, IMO.

@EmeraldShamrock

It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done. When you’re a SAHM the work never stops; there’s always admin and household stuff and chores and planning. When you work those things still need to be done on top of your working hours, probably taking more planning causing more administration and stress.

I work PT and my husband works away a lot. I do all those things too.

I you want to be a SAHM and it works for you fine, but I don’t get the constant need for justify yourself.

I chose not to stay at home because I want to maintain my career. My choice entirely. But life admin, housework etc doesn’t alter for me. Being a SAHP doesn’t add to your load. It just changes it. I don’t see it as the easy option. I think I prefer my PT working role and using childcare (I am of the view nursery is really good for kids).

Why convince everyone else that the choices you’ve made for your family are valid? Who cares?!

I don’t think sah is work , it’s what folk who work in paid employment do once they’re home , it’s life , and many working folk would give their eye teeth to be able to afford to sah

The major difference between a SAHP and a WOHP is that the first is providing care for their child 9-5 mon-fri (or whatever the office hours are) and the other isn’t.

That’s absolutely fine and valuable, but there’s no point in bringing housework, admin, general parenting, education into the equation because everyone is doing that, whether they work or not.

"I would say you’re a carer not just a SAHP. Two different roles, even if there is some overlapping, IMO."

I would say I am a carer and because I am recognised as one through getting carers allowance.

I wish people would stop saying it's a choice. If there is no suitable childcare and in some cases no school place for your child, it is not a choice.

@Underhisi

"I would say you’re a carer not just a SAHP. Two different roles, even if there is some overlapping, IMO."

I would say I am a carer and because I am recognised as one through getting carers allowance.

I wish people would stop saying it's a choice. If there is no suitable childcare and in some cases no school place for your child, it is not a choice.

I don’t think anyone is disputing being a carer isn’t a choice, this thread is about SAHP.

My point being that being a SAHP often isn't a choice if your child has additional needs.

@Underhisi

My point being that being a SAHP often isn't a choice if your child has additional needs.

My point is that you then become a carer, which isn’t comparable.

Underhisi - to be clear I think to call yourself a SAHP when your child has such high needs is minimising your role. As I say, there is inevitably some overlap. But being a carer is a work of sorts beyond being a parent.

I have a child with additional needs which are now partially recognised officially (the route to ECHP is LONG and hard in Tory council), but like many for years as a SAHP I found it harder but we didn’t have a diagnosis so it was just non descriptively hard.
Often (not always) the recognition that your child has additional needs is a slow one and the SAHM with the crying toddler may not know yet or may not have proof. She might know that going back to work isn’t an option for her child, when others say “they’ll be fine” but she may not have the words to express why yet.

I think ultimately the issue with the phrase “stay at home parent” being a job is that all the things like cleaning, house admin etc are done by working parents too. So it’s a tricky phrase, probably brought on my use of the term “full time mum”, somehow implying others forget their children exist when they go to work…. If you are staying at home caring for your children then that would be full on, if your children are at school and your not “actively caring” for them then I would suggest no it’s not work. If your child has additional needs though that’s not the same and would require more active tasks. IYGWIM

I've seen a lot of these SAHM threads on Mumsnet over the years and no one ever agrees on the 'right' answer.
Perhaps we should just do what is right for our own family and stuff what other people think of it. No point coming online seeking approval, acknowledgement or appreciation from a bunch of people we don't know.

@Ylvamoon

Completely agree. In the world of work, that would be called a project manager. They’re usually paid even more.

So it is a full time job. Just because we don’t see the physical money, doesn’t mean what we do hasn’t got monetary value.

[quote N0tJustY0ga]@Ylvamoon

Completely agree. In the world of work, that would be called a project manager. They’re usually paid even more.

So it is a full time job. Just because we don’t see the physical money, doesn’t mean what we do hasn’t got monetary value.[/quote]
So what are working parents doing? Two FT jobs?

Parents, childless couples as well as single people would work still have to do all the jobs at home and sometimes for elder parents too.
It is variable as you could have a sahm who drops kids off at school, has a cleaner/ housekeeper, gardener, so in essence doesn't do the home jobs and doesn't have a paid job either. I know such a person and she doesn't have hobbies either. Spends all day watching all day watching TV before going to pick kids up from after school clubs which is usually 5pm. She'd be the first to talk about how hard being a sahm is.
Everyone is different with different circumstances, do what works for you.

Whatever you do that isn’t lying on the sofa, eating toffees and reading trashy thrillers (or however you really like to spend your time) can end up feeling like work, because it’s not what you want to do, it’s what you have to do, whether it’s running a multinational, working at Sainsburys or trying to get Play-doh out of the carpet (or doing the first two and then having to do the latter when you get home) it all feels like hard work.

We all need more time lying on the sofa, eating toffees, in my view.

[quote N0tJustY0ga]@Ylvamoon

Completely agree. In the world of work, that would be called a project manager. They’re usually paid even more.

So it is a full time job. Just because we don’t see the physical money, doesn’t mean what we do hasn’t got monetary value.[/quote]
It may make you feel more valued to make this analogy but I’m a project manager in my paid job and looking after kids/ home is not comparable. It just makes you sound like you don’t understand the world of employment. Much as cooking for your kids does not make you a chef and managing a household budget does not make you an accountant. It’s called being an adult and a parent - all parents if they work or not do it.