Unknown babysitter because DH wants to go out

[Rosieposie79]

I am not sure if I am being over cautious or whether other mums would think this okay.
I have to go out to a work event this eve - a very rare evening thing that has been in calender for months.
DH decided yesterday that weather was perfect for him to do his sport tonight. We don't have any local family or regular babysitter and without consulting me he has asked neighbours' daughter (in early 20s) to babysit our children (3 & 5). I am sure this girl is lovely but we hardly know her, she has never met our kids and to my knowledge has very little experience of young children. She would need to put them to bed because children would be home from afterschool club just before we both need to leave at 6pm.
Not only do I feel uncomfortable dumping young children with a stranger for bedtime when they would usually expect stories and cuddles with us. But there are also all the activities of bath time when I just feel it needs someone with a bit more experience to do this safely.
I just feel DH is being unreasonable and there will be lots of other opportunities to do his sport. He should just stay and look after kids as agreed.
He is having a big old sulk and thinks I am being overprotective.

We are in danger in this society of doubting everyone and thinking they are dangerous or some sort of threat

Yes but there are other, more usual, qualities in people that render them unsuitable as drop-in babysitters. They might be unkind, impatient, rude, incompetent. They may lack confidence, they may over-react to trivial occurrences, they might be entirely disinterested in the children or not think it's a problem to nip back in to their own home to have a cuppa with their parents so long as they leave the monitors on.

All of that before you get to a genuine bad egg. And this is why people look for recommendations alongside dbs checks and first aid certificates.

@OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow

And how do people cope with agency sitters? My dd currently au pairing and she does agency babysitting for extra money- not once has she met the kids before her initial job. Agencies often seem to be suggested on here. But your dh however is a dick, he’s prioritising his hobby (it’s cycling isn’t it?) over looking after his kids but also trying to sabotage your rare night out.

I don't. When they were small we tag teamed. Dh would not be doing a hobby on a night I had to work, he would do the hobby on another night, as would I.

Loving the "little boys must get filthy", but little girls?

It's MN bingo on the sexist board on this thread.

@rachelstriffle

Kids have to have a stranger at bedtime because dad would rather play golf, go on a bike ride or whatever. Nice dad. I feel a bit sorry for the dc of posters that think this is fine tbh.

I feel sorry for the women who have been brainwashed and don't dare doing anything, study, hobby, sport because of people talking nonsense like you are and shaming anyone who has a life while being a parent.

Agree. My 2 SCs have never been left with anyone else for bedtime and as such the one time where their mum did need to go out and leave them with her parents to put to bed it was a HUGE deal and caused loads of stress. And they are 7 and 11.

Not necessarily advocating unchecked strangers as babysitters (!) but I do think children need to get used to being cared for by others sometimes otherwise it leaves parents trapped.

Presumably if the OP is working, SOMEONE is looking after these kids in day time?

Does your husband realise he is a father or has he just twigged?
He needs to understand the children are going to have to come first for a few years.
You don't know a thing about this woman, how do you know she isn't going to leave them in the bath alone while she stares at her phone and gets distracted.
I'd be properly pissed off, he knew you had an event on today.

09Notaroadrunner

I can only conclude you didn't smell their nether regions.

SOMEONE is looking after these kids in day time?

What's your point? Do you think most people just wander around the neighborhood before they go to work and pick out someone at a loose end?

YADNBU. He's a twat for competing with you in having an evening 'off'. Insist he stays home.

The young woman’s capability is not a problem. However you’d want her to have met your kids before she babysits - 3 and 5 is definitely old enough to be unsettled by being looked after by a stranger unless already fast asleep. We are using a neighbour’s daughter for the first time tonight as it happens, but she came round at the weekend to meet DS (4) and play with him a bit while we were there and we’ve been warming him up to the idea all week.

@insertrandomusernamehere

YADNBU. He's a twat for competing with you in having an evening 'off'. Insist he stays home.

if that is not abusive behaviour, what is.

Listen carefully, mums, you are not to "compete" with your husband and ever have a day or evening off when he's working.

I despair. Equality between men and women will stay a myth while people like this have a voice.

I think it's weird to trust one's children to the care of someone you haven't met before. Surely you'd want some minimum guarantee that they're a reasonable, competent and pleasant human being first? I also think that it's very unfair on small children who are used to having their mum and dad around to be landed with a complete stranger.

YANBU. I have never left DS with anyone outside immediate family. I would rather be over cautios and untrusting than put him at risk.

It's not a feminist principle to just dump your kids with an unknown so you can declare yourself as unburdened by your children as your apathetic partner. Not unless you are Shulamith Firestone.

@Wimpeyspread

YABU to have reached the ages of 3 & 5 and not located a suitable local babysitter for occasions such as this

It isn't that easy and so judgemental to leap to that conclusion. We don't have any local families and do have friends who would babysit but all have own kids so it's not really fair for ad hoc stuff like the op has this situation for. My own nearly 2 year old and 5 year old would be a little upset to be left with a stranger and would be very unlikely to settle to sleep. Why can't the dh stay, help the girl put them to bed and then leave? Or just forgo his hobby so the op can do something that has been arranged for months.

I think it’s fine.
A 20 something will definitely be able to bath a couple of children safely!! I mean, most of the world have their own children by that age!!
As for not knowing the babysitter, children never really know the babysitter the first time. I don’t
think you need to do a lm introductory meet up with her just for a couple of hours babysitting. They’ll probably have a nice time chatting and playing. I’ve got something coming up soon and my husbands out so I’ve got someone the children haven’t met coming over. When I told them they were actually quite excited!

Insist he stays home

How’s that going to work?

You have never met the girl and she hasn't met your children yet your husband thinks it's ok to put his sport first. Is your husband always so selfish, can he not look after them this one time and you work out a plan for the future?

Jeez harsh replies initially. I don’t think YABU at all! Why would not wanting to leave your small children with an inexperienced stranger be unreasonable in any way. Totally fine if you both agreed it as a plan and could take steps to introduce her to the children, but not ok for DH to make that decision solo because it suits him. Mother’s gut - always always trust it

I wonder if op's dh has got FOMO. He can't bear to see op going out and enjoying herself without him being able to, too.
Look after his own children by himself? Pfffft!

Not only will this be potentially upsetting for DC if they arent regularly looked after by a stranger....Who is going to brief her/show her where everything is and if she has any problems, presume she will be calling you as DH will be playing sport? Sounds like your work event just got more stressful...

I think rachelstriffle is the DH.

20 + posts defending his choice

I’m pretty relaxed but there is no way I would leave a random to put my children of those ages to bed. Mine are a similar age and we put them to bed ourselves before leaving with a family member they don’t see that much!

YANBU....leaving very young kids with someone none of you really know. mad

Omg YANBU! There is no way I'd be leaving my kids with a stranger, especially when they're so young and their dad can and should be looking after them instead!