About to lose my shit with racist in laws

[Mrstumblesspottyface]

I won’t. It would cause WW3.

And yes. I know I have a DH problem. But he’s got better recently.

Anyway, I am half Indian. We are buying a house nearby the in laws, because we had no choice but to move up here when we were priced out of the south east.

It’s being sold by an Indian couple. The sale is DRAGGING because of covid. Everything is just so slow.

Father in law seems to blame this on the Indian couple. Dragging their feet because, “Indians just want money, it’s all they care about” and other quite derogatory things, which I won’t post.

I was too shocked to say anything the first time.

He came to drop something off yesterday and said it again on my doorstep. The way he spat out the word “Indians”. It’s really got to me.

I was bullied my whole childhood for my colour (I lived in a rural area where everyone was white, everyone). I couldn’t sleep last night because I felt like I’d just been bullied again on my own door step.

I don’t know why I didn’t say “I find that really offensive”. I just sort of stood the trying not to cry.

Not an isolated incident. The other week MIL and FIL were in the garden taking about “those Indians” bringing covid in. Spitting the word. Again I just sat there.

There have been other little digs over the years.

I’ll admit I’ve still got huge issues from childhood bullies (it was really bad, it was teachers and other adults as well as children), and I freeze. I can’t stand up for myself, ever. I’m in my 40s and I just feel pathetic.

I used to be quite friendly with them, but since a couple of months ago, with all the derogatory remarks about the Indian people we are buying the house from, I have little to do with them. I don’t text like I used to.

At first Dh was just saying it’s because they are old.

They are 70, and age is no excuse.

He’s had words with his dad about his generally controlling nature which has got much worse since we’ve lived closer.

He will speak to them about this too.

It’s really getting to me.

My Indian mother is long dead by the way, or she would have gone to town.

Are you absolutely sure you want to move so close to them?

Do you have DC?

I’d have nothing to do with IL’s, wouldn’t invite them to my house or lift a finger if DH invited them and I’d not go round to theirs either.

This is going to end on tears (for you) as it doesn’t appear to bother your H.

There are a lot of places that are cheaper to buy a house and not near your ILs. Are you really sure about moving closer to them?

I would not be moving to be near them. How disrespectful.
Do they know your mother was Indian?
It probably took you by surprise when they first said it. Can you have a response ready or send a message that you find their comments insulting, disrespectful and racist.

You have every right to cause WW3. I would. I'm half Indian too and I would raise hell if this was me. In fact I would leave DH for being a racist as well. Dont kid yourself that he isn't. He is. He is making excuses for racists and watching this happen without putting an immediate stop himself - well that's just racist. Do you have kids? If so, is this not enough to stand up for yourself and them?

If DH having a word with them doesn't stop it then go for it. Lose your shit with them. They deserve it.

YANBU. I also wouldn't move anywhere near them.

Do you have children? Are you planning to have them?

Do you really want your children to be exposed to GPs with such a derogatory mindset towards their heritage?

If your DH can't understand that I would be questioning whether you should remain with him tbh.

YANBU
It may be a bit of DH problem, but mostly an IL problem. Nothing he can do to change them from racists to not racists. Hopefully he’d support you going no contact with them? And him very low contact? (As in he only does bare minimum filial obligations like make sure they don’t starve in streets in old age). They should be banned from your house completely.

And don’t feel pathetic. Racism directed at you and your ethnicity is a psychological trauma and freezing and just wanting it to be over is a very normal response to have.

Pull out of the sale and move elsewhere

This will be your life forever if you move near them

I would be rethinking this marriage, and the house, if your DH won't stand up for you.

I honestly don’t say this lightly but I would never speak to them again and they would have absolutely no contact with any children I may have in the future. How fucking dare they?! Being disgusting racists is one thing but it’s on another level to actively direct it at their daughter in law, which is absolutely what they’re doing, they know your heritage and they choose to say these awful things to you anyway.
Your husband is being pathetic about this, ‘they’re just old’?! No, they’re not, and talking that way would be unacceptable at any age.
You’d be bonkers to move nearer to them. Can you still look at other options? I’d be moving far away if it were me.

I'm as white as the day is long but there is no way I would tolerate this kind of talk. Definitely rethink this move! I would fear that the closer you are to them, the worse this kind of talk will get

If you can't speak because of your history which is understandable then write to them. Write down how their remarks make you feel - remind them of your heritage and if you want explain your history. Tell them that you will not tolerate it. Write it formally and post it to them so that they don't have to read it infront of you. Wait for their reaction.

If the reaction is not seriously apologetic, or your husband doesn't take a massive leap in supporting you over them then I would seriously consider moving elsewhere - potentially without the husband!

What exactly is the problem with the house move. Do you know why it seems to have stalled.
This isn’t about the colour of people’s skin so your in laws are very out of order stating it is because they are Indian but since you negotiated your price there has been an upswing in prices and it is possible they do want more now. Someone I was working is having a similar problem.

YANBU, your in laws are stupid idiots 🙄

I can understand you freezing, but why isn’t your DH standing up for you? Do you PIL know you are half Indian? That any grandchildren will also have Indian heritage? DH should pull them up every single time - he needs to have your back on this. Would he accept anyone else talking like that in front of you?

Being old is only an excuse if they actually have senile dementia.

Go nuclear & reconsider your plan to move nearer to them. You don’t want your DC spending too much time with people like that. 💐

Wtaf? Does your FIL realise that your mother was Indian? Or does he just not give a shit? Not that it makes it any better if he manages not to be racist in your presence, he's still a bloody racist.

If your DP having a word doesn't work, I'd call him on it, every time. I have a racist SIL and her husband is even worse. They changed their DCs school because there were "too many black kids" at the original one. And they've gone private now, but guess what, black kids attend private schools too!

I call them on it, every time. The first time, I ask them not to do it, the second time, I ask them not to do it because I refuse to be in the presence of racists in my free time and will leave, and the third time, I get up and leave. The rest of the family now tell them to pack it in, and they do.

It's nothing to do with being old, it's to do with being racist. My DPs would be and they would be in their late 80s now, and they didn't have a racist bone in their body. My MIL is 82, and she's not racist either.

I'm afraid I would be explaining that you find it offensive and remind that you are mixed race, and tell them that you will go NC with them if they keep it up. And point out that their GCs will be mixed race, too.

I’d have nothing to do with IL’s, wouldn’t invite them to my house or lift a finger if DH invited them and I’d not go round to theirs either.

That’s what has been happening since earlier this year. In fact, Dh has pulled away from them a bit too. He’s lived away for 15 years, moving back has been a shock to as how they are in general. They used to visit us and stay for a weekend every couple of months and that was fine.

I’ve seen them in a much different light over the 18 months we’ve been living here - horrid thing to say but thank god for lockdowns.

We had to move here last year for a whole heap of reasons and are now stuck for a bit.
Really stuck for a while, it’s very complicated with older dc and my elderly, very unwell parent to consider.

But we have found a house that we can turn around and do up and make money on and get out in the next two years, we’ve been lucky it’s a bargain we can turn around.

We have a very limited budget - we struggled to even find a place here we could afford.

Yes we have children.

Do you really want your children to be exposed to GPs with such a derogatory mindset towards their heritage?

Absolutely not. We have all seen a lot less of them than we could have done recently.

I second the no contact with any children and moving until you are too far for a day trip.

I think that no contact and distance are more important than DH and you having to have a big fight with them. There’s really no argument and fake niceness from a told off racists is not good enough either.

I’m also totally white but I would have no problem putting someone who said something like this well in their place. And we can’t blame age on this stuff any more. People in their 70s and 80s have lived their young and middle aged lives through the 80s and 90s and beyond, there is no way they could NOT realise that you don’t say derogatory things about people’s skin colour. My gran died 10 years ago at 93 and even she wouldn’t have said anything like that.

"Maybe I should fuck off back to India with your son and GCs and we won't bother you with our presence again, or do you want to apologise and grow up?"

This is horrendous OP. What were they like with you when you first got together with your DH? Do they not know you are half Indian?

Why on earth are you moving near these people? There are other options in the UK that are not the South East. As someone who is half Indian myself, hell would freeze over before I'd make a move to live near people like this.