About to lose my shit with racist in laws

[Mrstumblesspottyface]

I won’t. It would cause WW3.

And yes. I know I have a DH problem. But he’s got better recently.

Anyway, I am half Indian. We are buying a house nearby the in laws, because we had no choice but to move up here when we were priced out of the south east.

It’s being sold by an Indian couple. The sale is DRAGGING because of covid. Everything is just so slow.

Father in law seems to blame this on the Indian couple. Dragging their feet because, “Indians just want money, it’s all they care about” and other quite derogatory things, which I won’t post.

I was too shocked to say anything the first time.

He came to drop something off yesterday and said it again on my doorstep. The way he spat out the word “Indians”. It’s really got to me.

I was bullied my whole childhood for my colour (I lived in a rural area where everyone was white, everyone). I couldn’t sleep last night because I felt like I’d just been bullied again on my own door step.

I don’t know why I didn’t say “I find that really offensive”. I just sort of stood the trying not to cry.

Not an isolated incident. The other week MIL and FIL were in the garden taking about “those Indians” bringing covid in. Spitting the word. Again I just sat there.

There have been other little digs over the years.

I’ll admit I’ve still got huge issues from childhood bullies (it was really bad, it was teachers and other adults as well as children), and I freeze. I can’t stand up for myself, ever. I’m in my 40s and I just feel pathetic.

I used to be quite friendly with them, but since a couple of months ago, with all the derogatory remarks about the Indian people we are buying the house from, I have little to do with them. I don’t text like I used to.

At first Dh was just saying it’s because they are old.

They are 70, and age is no excuse.

He’s had words with his dad about his generally controlling nature which has got much worse since we’ve lived closer.

He will speak to them about this too.

It’s really getting to me.

@Bythemillpond

What exactly is the problem with the house move. Do you know why it seems to have stalled. This isn’t about the colour of people’s skin so your in laws are very out of order stating it is because they are Indian but since you negotiated your price there has been an upswing in prices and it is possible they do want more now. Someone I was working is having a similar problem.

The house they were originally buying fell through. So they had to find another. And it’s all so slow. Our searches took over a month. It was painfully slow for us with the mortgage and solicitors too. We are all done, just waiting on them now (we are in rented here so it’s not an issue, the house we are buying is round the corner from this one so no issues with changing schools etc, it’s just frustrating).

@GCAcademic

Why on earth are you moving near these people? There are other options in the UK that are not the South East. As someone who is half Indian myself, hell would freeze over before I'd make a move to live near people like this.

Dh still has his job 200 miles away. It just happened that they have an office in the next town over from here and they agreed he could be based from there. Apart from the inlaws, it’s a “sensible” move for the time being, so it was a no brainier.

@Ozgirl75

I’m also totally white but I would have no problem putting someone who said something like this well in their place. And we can’t blame age on this stuff any more. People in their 70s and 80s have lived their young and middle aged lives through the 80s and 90s and beyond, there is no way they could NOT realise that you don’t say derogatory things about people’s skin colour. My gran died 10 years ago at 93 and even she wouldn’t have said anything like that.

They aren’t “old” by any means. Both still working out of choice. FIL isn’t some little old man.

I feel angry for you, but also for my kids who have mixed heritages. You need to challenge this, it is not acceptable on any level. It is not just about your DP standing up for you but also standing up for your kids.

Sometimes with comments like your in laws are making, the people making them see it as permitted as it is perceived to be a comment about culture rather than skin colour - in fact it is a racist comment on both. They don't include you and your kids into their stereotype as you are perceived as culturally the same as them. It's a very limited view of racism but also feeds on the internalized racism that you and your children may feel so it becomes hard to challenge - you are not that stereotype so are you offended for yourself or for somebody else.

The fact is that nobody is that stereotype and it is a damaging perception for you and your kids to be around.

Flip the house, challenge them and get the hell out of dodge - you are right and they are wrong, it is their choice whether they act in a civilized way.

Yes, they do. It’s not very obvious as my mother wore western clothes - shock horror as many Indians do (She used to get asked why she didn't wear ‘Indian’ clothes all the time when I was little), and my colouring and my features which are all my Irish dads makes me look more Mediterranean. But yes, they know. Dh and I have been together 12 years.

That's horrible. Explain how you feel to DH and delegate it to him to let them know it's unacceptable and upsetting for you on multiple fronts (memories of bullying as well as racist).

Is the area you are moving to very white? Is there a way you can get involved in something Indian or multicultural with your kids that reinforces a positive message, for you as well as them? I imagine part of the problem (aside from racist idiot PILs) might be that moving to somewhere less urban brings up bad memories from your childhood, doing something to underline that you're not going back to that place and time might help.

Even if you live close by, you don't have to see them. Start as you mean to go on - don't be letting them pop round every day, or turn up unannounced.
Personally I'd ditch the house and look further away even if it meant a commute for DH to the new office. But I get why you don't want that and it wouldn't be fair that your il's attitude costs you a good opportunity house wise. So you do have to make it clear that they are behaving in a hostile way that will ultimately cost them their relationships. Maybe approach it from the perspective of how they would make their mixed race grandchildren feel if they heard what their GPS were saying. A lot of people can be oblivious to their Dil's feelings but would never deliberately upset their grandchildren. It might make them see what they are doing.

I am near your ILs age. It is NOT an age thing. It's purely a racist thing.

Dh knew I was upset yesterday.

I told him how it made me feel. He said “I know and I’m so sorry”.

We’ve not spoken about it since, youngest is a teething baby and with two others stuff just got in the way. I will speak to him again later on.

I know it’s hard for him as he’s one of those people who idolise their parents. But he’s grown up over the past 18 months and pulled them up on lots of things.

I would answer everything 'you do remember that I'm half Indian?'

Or ' I think it's the fault of the white solicitor'

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Even if you live close by, you don't have to see them. Start as you mean to go on - don't be letting them pop round every day, or turn up unannounced. Personally I'd ditch the house and look further away even if it meant a commute for DH to the new office. But I get why you don't want that and it wouldn't be fair that your il's attitude costs you a good opportunity house wise. So you do have to make it clear that they are behaving in a hostile way that will ultimately cost them their relationships. Maybe approach it from the perspective of how they would make their mixed race grandchildren feel if they heard what their GPS were saying. A lot of people can be oblivious to their Dil's feelings but would never deliberately upset their grandchildren. It might make them see what they are doing.

Oh, that was nipped in the bud!

We moved here jan last year, so before any lockdowns. FIL would just waltz in the door, turn up to do work around the house. That was stopped immediately. As was just turning up and telling my then 5 year old to get her coat on as they were taking her off for the day/weekend (absolutely not! They were quite shocked when we said no and don’t do that again).

They are used to doing that stuff with SIL and her kids. They rule her life.

This isn’t an in law bashing thing - if my dad tried it he’d be told in no uncertain terms to get lost.

@itwa

I would answer everything 'you do remember that I'm half Indian?'

Or ' I think it's the fault of the white solicitor'

When father in law said yesterday “these Indians, just want money”. Afterwards I thought I should have said, “oh we do, do we?”

But I have a Dh problem in that he idolises his parents. I mean, I love my dad. But he’s not perfect, no body is. But Dh can’t see that his parents aren’t. It wouldn’t go down well if I upset them in anyway.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You do not need to put up with it though. Don’t move near them and keep your children away from them until they can keep their nasty comments to themselves. My FiL in his 60s has some quite racist and homophobic views and he has been told if he breathes a word of it around my children he isn’t welcome in our house. It should be your DH telling them this though.

I'd have caused WW3 tbh. Fuck them.

I really don't know why you are making excuses for your dh. He 'idolizes' them, really? Lots of people idolize their parents but don't tolerate racism. Are you not deeply affected that your dh excuses them, which means he is accepting racism of his own children? How does that sit right with you. Because if it didn't, then you surely wouldn't be making excuses for your dh or worried about confronting your IL. Beyond me why you allow them into your house around your kids knowing full well how they really think of your kids.

Your DH needs to challenge this explicitly, which will be very very hard for him but he has to.

No way on earth should you or your DCs be exposed to this man unless your dh can shut off his racism completely.

My view is that your dh should have been incandescent with rage when his father started with these remarks. Does he just think you ought to 'get used to it?'. I would be upset that he still seems to be minimising. Does he think you are being over sensitive? You aren't!! Please don't feel the bullying you were subject to as a child means you are overreacting, and don't let dh think that either. What your fil is doing could be equally shocking and traumatising if you had not been targeted so very badly when you were younger. I can't imagine anyone whatever their personal story being able to shrug this off. Your fil is bullying you too , whether he recognises it or not, and your dh is colluding until he 100% speaks out and puts a stop to it.

I'm really angry on your behalf!

@Zari29

I really don't know why you are making excuses for your dh. He 'idolizes' them, really? Lots of people idolize their parents but don't tolerate racism. Are you not deeply affected that your dh excuses them, which means he is accepting racism of his own children? How does that sit right with you. Because if it didn't, then you surely wouldn't be making excuses for your dh or worried about confronting your IL. Beyond me why you allow them into your house around your kids knowing full well how they really think of your kids.

I think Dh is fucking wet the way he is with his parents. We almost split over it. So he has got better and like I said, he will speak to them about this. I just have sympathy for him because they aren’t the wonderful people he thought they were when he was only seeing them a few times a year. Believe me, it hit him hard when we moved here last year and he’s not had an easy time asserting boundaries, but he has and is continuing to do so.

They have very minimal contact now. Even less so since the whole “Indian” comments.

You must ALWAYS call out racism or it will never stop!

This is completely and utterly unacceptable Im afraid! It really annoys me when so called"elderly" people do this .Its like a fucking excuse.No it isnt .They sound unpleasant people .Presumably they know you are half Indian? I think they sound the type to group everyone together ,and say things like "they all look the same" which is stupid .I would maybe rethink your plans of living nearby to them as well!

@candycane222

Your DH needs to challenge this explicitly, which will be very very hard for him but he has to.

No way on earth should you or your DCs be exposed to this man unless your dh can shut off his racism completely.

My view is that your dh should have been incandescent with rage when his father started with these remarks. Does he just think you ought to 'get used to it?'. I would be upset that he still seems to be minimising. Does he think you are being over sensitive? You aren't!! Please don't feel the bullying you were subject to as a child means you are overreacting, and don't let dh think that either. What your fil is doing could be equally shocking and traumatising if you had not been targeted so very badly when you were younger. I can't imagine anyone whatever their personal story being able to shrug this off. Your fil is bullying you too , whether he recognises it or not, and your dh is colluding until he 100% speaks out and puts a stop to it.

I'm really angry on your behalf!

No, Dh was quite shocked at the vitriol too.

But it wasn’t easy for him to tackle there and then, he’d paused a work call to come to the door.

Also, it takes a lot to process sometimes.

He doesn’t think I’m being over sensitive.

Dh has a lot of faults when it comes to his parents but he’s really worked on that.

@Mrstumblesspottyface

Yes, they do. It’s not very obvious as my mother wore western clothes - shock horror as many Indians do (She used to get asked why she didn't wear ‘Indian’ clothes all the time when I was little), and my colouring and my features which are all my Irish dads makes me look more Mediterranean. But yes, they know. Dh and I have been together 12 years.

You are a very similar ethnic mix to my partner, who is also often mistaken for Mediterranean or due to location more specifically Greek.

We have been together since we were at university and are now in our forties - I am from a white working class Northern town and remember (more distant)relatives saying that my partner was "one of the good ones" and made comments perpetuating stereotypes. We don't talk anymore.

There is no excuse for racism, ever.

@Bythemillpond

What exactly is the problem with the house move. Do you know why it seems to have stalled. This isn’t about the colour of people’s skin so your in laws are very out of order stating it is because they are Indian but since you negotiated your price there has been an upswing in prices and it is possible they do want more now. Someone I was working is having a similar problem.

This wins the award for 'missing the point of the post'

It wouldn’t go down well if I upset them in anyway

But it’s ok for them to upset you?
Bollocks to that.
Next time there’s any Indian comment, as the PP said fire back ‘you seem to have forgotten I’m half Indian and I won’t tolerate this racist language anymore’
It’ll be hard but do it. You’ll be much better.
💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

• feel

I hate it when age is used as an excuse with this sort of shit. My dear old mum lived to 92 and would have been horrified to hear someone talking like this and would have pulled them up on it.