About to lose my shit with racist in laws

[Mrstumblesspottyface]

I won’t. It would cause WW3.

And yes. I know I have a DH problem. But he’s got better recently.

Anyway, I am half Indian. We are buying a house nearby the in laws, because we had no choice but to move up here when we were priced out of the south east.

It’s being sold by an Indian couple. The sale is DRAGGING because of covid. Everything is just so slow.

Father in law seems to blame this on the Indian couple. Dragging their feet because, “Indians just want money, it’s all they care about” and other quite derogatory things, which I won’t post.

I was too shocked to say anything the first time.

He came to drop something off yesterday and said it again on my doorstep. The way he spat out the word “Indians”. It’s really got to me.

I was bullied my whole childhood for my colour (I lived in a rural area where everyone was white, everyone). I couldn’t sleep last night because I felt like I’d just been bullied again on my own door step.

I don’t know why I didn’t say “I find that really offensive”. I just sort of stood the trying not to cry.

Not an isolated incident. The other week MIL and FIL were in the garden taking about “those Indians” bringing covid in. Spitting the word. Again I just sat there.

There have been other little digs over the years.

I’ll admit I’ve still got huge issues from childhood bullies (it was really bad, it was teachers and other adults as well as children), and I freeze. I can’t stand up for myself, ever. I’m in my 40s and I just feel pathetic.

I used to be quite friendly with them, but since a couple of months ago, with all the derogatory remarks about the Indian people we are buying the house from, I have little to do with them. I don’t text like I used to.

At first Dh was just saying it’s because they are old.

They are 70, and age is no excuse.

He’s had words with his dad about his generally controlling nature which has got much worse since we’ve lived closer.

He will speak to them about this too.

It’s really getting to me.

Firstly OP I am really sorry for this. As an Indian I have seen all to much of this in my own husband's family (he is white). The fact is that racism is often not just colour it is accent, mannerisms and dress. When I challenged an uncle of my DH for making a racist comment, pointing out I am Indian the response I got was ah yes, but you are not Indian Indian.....

With my own in laws who also expressed quite a lot of racist views, I did not lose it. It was hard, particularly when they endorsed my BIL's view that he should not sell his house to an Asian family as this would "let the neighbours down" but I did not. What I did do was to sit down and have a really clear discussion around some of their language and what they were saying. I explained how unfair and hurtful it was, and that particularly with Anglo Indian grandchildren, any negative comments could impact their mental health and self esteem. This was not a once and done discussion. It took a couple of years for this message to get through. I have to say on balance (yes there is balance), they were lovely people and I cared for my father in law when he had terminal cancer.

Sometimes (for several months), I can convince myself that racism has gone away in the UK. However just when you think this it can come right back and hit you between the eyes.

@Brainwave89

Firstly OP I am really sorry for this. As an Indian I have seen all to much of this in my own husband's family (he is white). The fact is that racism is often not just colour it is accent, mannerisms and dress. When I challenged an uncle of my DH for making a racist comment, pointing out I am Indian the response I got was ah yes, but you are not Indian Indian.....

With my own in laws who also expressed quite a lot of racist views, I did not lose it. It was hard, particularly when they endorsed my BIL's view that he should not sell his house to an Asian family as this would "let the neighbours down" but I did not. What I did do was to sit down and have a really clear discussion around some of their language and what they were saying. I explained how unfair and hurtful it was, and that particularly with Anglo Indian grandchildren, any negative comments could impact their mental health and self esteem. This was not a once and done discussion. It took a couple of years for this message to get through. I have to say on balance (yes there is balance), they were lovely people and I cared for my father in law when he had terminal cancer.

Sometimes (for several months), I can convince myself that racism has gone away in the UK. However just when you think this it can come right back and hit you between the eyes.

pointing out I am Indian the response I got was ah yes, but you are not Indian Indian..... oh God, if I had a pound for every time I’d heard that one!

BIL sounds like a peach.

I’m sorry you have had it too. It sounds like you handled it really well.

Thanks OP. It was not easy and there were times when I was furious and needed to vent. DH was very good at letting me rant and supporting me when I did. Depressingly in some areas of the Midlands and North West racism is quite ingrained. It will not only be your in laws expressing these views so be careful, and if moving does become an option I would consider it. IME there is significantly less racism in some areas compared to others and this can make a bid difference for Asian and mixed race people.

You saw the wrong counsellor, dear OP. There’s a lot here to pick through. Your inlaws are idiots

Go ahead and cause WW3. Why not?

Do they not know you are from Indian heritage?

@BettyBurntBuns

Do they not know you are from Indian heritage?

Yes they do.

I’m a coward and I freeze
No you are not a coward, as others have said you probably have PTSD from a lifetime of bad experiences and need to find ways to not freeze in the moment. Probably through counselling as learning new coping responses on your own will be very difficult.

Re counselling, ... she kept asking me to think about my behaviours and how I could have behaved differently, and how I couldn’t put all the blame on other people
Do try again, especially now most counselling is online so you can choose anyone from anywhere. You can definitely find someone who will understand what you’ve been through.
In terms of what she said, what a load of bollocks of course the blame lies with the people who say racist things and you didn’t do anything to provoke it. Maybe, giving massive benefit of doubt, she meant how you could have reacted differently? But it does rather sound like she was suggesting your actions caused the racist behaviour, no wonder it’s put you off. But don’t let one shit counsellor stop you getting some help.

He’s getting better at making it clear to them where boundaries lie
This will be an ongoing thing though. Given how they behave towards SiL you might want to pop over the ‘They took you to Stately Homes’ thread and read more about these types of overly involved parents and families. And how challenging it is to set boundaries and have them respected. It’s been eye opening for me.

In laws hate me more and more each time I think
So what? Of course it’s hard for your DH as their child, but how can you care what these people think. They don’t respect you or their part Indian grandchildren so if they hate you for sticking up for yourself, so be it. And if it all goes ballistic too bad, you clearly are getting to point DH will support you.

Sorry it’s so tough for you right now - you obviously have a lot on your plate at the moment with kids, house move and your Dad less alone these awful PiL’s as well.

I’m a coward and I freeze. And then cry about it when I’m alone. I’ve been this way forever. I could never stand up for myself as a child either.

I wish I was different.

You are not a coward, and you are not the problem. They are disgusting, insensitive racists. You sound utterly lovely (and incredibly kind and compassionate to your DH) and should not wish for a minute to be different because of these utter inadequates.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I think give them one chance to redeem themselves. Tell them straight how their racism is making you feel and why. If they kick off, or if they ignore you, then I think it is appropriate to pull away from them.

Ugh what awful people - and, as always, racists are never offensive and ill educated on race alone, but are offensive and ill educated in all areas of life - they honestly sound dire all round. I can’t really say they’re entitled to their opinion, but I definitely don’t get why they assume it’s ok for it to leave their tiny minds and be voiced.
You sound so clear about it all, pragmatic that your husband is their son and will probably have some relationship with them, and even kind enough to think you shouldn’t let them starve in the street. You do well with your boundaries and work on hubbie, which is hard but sounds like you’re winning and he is learning- you do though need support and I really wanted to say maybe try another counsellor - you have to click with them and how they work - I had one early 20s nearly as traumatic as why I went - had one at work 20 years later on a RTW agreement that I didn’t want after earlier experience and they were amazing for me.
You do have so much on without this and the reminders of your past; your kids, dad, move - so do take time for you as well where you can.
So sad (and abhorrent) there are people walking amongst us holding such views - and particularly awful to have to be connected to them - all the best OP.