About to lose my shit with racist in laws

[Mrstumblesspottyface]

I won’t. It would cause WW3.

And yes. I know I have a DH problem. But he’s got better recently.

Anyway, I am half Indian. We are buying a house nearby the in laws, because we had no choice but to move up here when we were priced out of the south east.

It’s being sold by an Indian couple. The sale is DRAGGING because of covid. Everything is just so slow.

Father in law seems to blame this on the Indian couple. Dragging their feet because, “Indians just want money, it’s all they care about” and other quite derogatory things, which I won’t post.

I was too shocked to say anything the first time.

He came to drop something off yesterday and said it again on my doorstep. The way he spat out the word “Indians”. It’s really got to me.

I was bullied my whole childhood for my colour (I lived in a rural area where everyone was white, everyone). I couldn’t sleep last night because I felt like I’d just been bullied again on my own door step.

I don’t know why I didn’t say “I find that really offensive”. I just sort of stood the trying not to cry.

Not an isolated incident. The other week MIL and FIL were in the garden taking about “those Indians” bringing covid in. Spitting the word. Again I just sat there.

There have been other little digs over the years.

I’ll admit I’ve still got huge issues from childhood bullies (it was really bad, it was teachers and other adults as well as children), and I freeze. I can’t stand up for myself, ever. I’m in my 40s and I just feel pathetic.

I used to be quite friendly with them, but since a couple of months ago, with all the derogatory remarks about the Indian people we are buying the house from, I have little to do with them. I don’t text like I used to.

At first Dh was just saying it’s because they are old.

They are 70, and age is no excuse.

He’s had words with his dad about his generally controlling nature which has got much worse since we’ve lived closer.

He will speak to them about this too.

It’s really getting to me.

I would be making big points of addressing your Indian culture IF the day comes and you have to see them. Not sure any occasion would make me be in the same room... Maybe your dh could instigate a big Indian themed buffet and be very generous with the spices..
Back away and stay away would be my motto.
What does your dh say about their obvious snub to your dc?

I spoke to DH.

He said it’s sorted. It won’t happen again, he’s told him it was unacceptable.

He sent him an email last night as he didn’t want his dad to argue back.

It does take a lot for Dh to do that. He’s getting better. His parents are really controlling of his sister, and to a lesser extent him because she’s always lived round the corner from them and he’s lived away for so many years.

He’s getting better at making it clear to them where boundaries lie.

I mean, it doesn’t address the casual racism or what they must really think of me. But Dh needed to pull FIL up on what he said.

In laws hate me more and more each time I think.

I hope you it DH has a word face to face with his dad. An email can just be ignored can’t it?

I had similar with some family abroad. BIL took the rotten bag to task (she was being racist/religious bigot to - well it could only have been me - I wasn’t there) and asked her if the scrap of cloth on her head actually made her a better person (in front of the rest of the family - she is known as being a bit of a holy willy).

It's hard to challenge our parents, even as an adult - it feels a bit like going against the natural order of things, so well done to your DH for doing it. Hopefully it will make them re examine their views.
If not, at least you won't have to see them and you know your DH is supportive

I hope the PILS are sufficiently shamed and silenced by DH. How awful that he even has to do that!.

But in your shoes I would also arm yourself with some responses, and practise them with DH, so that if FIL/MIL ever dare breathe a racist sigh again , you BOTH immediately shut it down hard.

"I'm Indian/she's Indian, never say that again".

" Our children will have Indian heritage . Get over it or you'll never meet them".

Please don’t move close to them. You will forever regret it.

@Mrstumblesspottyface

I spoke to DH.

He said it’s sorted. It won’t happen again, he’s told him it was unacceptable.

He sent him an email last night as he didn’t want his dad to argue back.

It does take a lot for Dh to do that. He’s getting better. His parents are really controlling of his sister, and to a lesser extent him because she’s always lived round the corner from them and he’s lived away for so many years.

He’s getting better at making it clear to them where boundaries lie.

Good for DH.

I would document all of this, times, dates, places, detailed accounts with direct quotes, record them if you have to.

Put it away somewhere safe your husband cannot access it.

If you need to (or have no choice in the matter) divorce in future, and won't be able to even partially shield your kids from this vile, extremely hateful racism towards your kids own selves any more... you will need this evidence in any child arrangements proceedings.

Fwiw, your husband isn't as nice and "grown up" as you want to believe and I do get why you need to believe he's an ok guy if he's forcing his Indian wife and Indian children to continue to be subject to hateful racism from his own parents and in their own home, where they should be safe. He's not so different from them. Be ready for this to become apparent.

Do not move closer.

*I’m a coward and I freeze. And then cry about it when I’m alone. I’ve been this way forever. I could never stand up for myself as a child either.

I wish I was different.*

     You can be;   getting braver, learning new responses to racist  or misogynist  remarks,  is something completely within your power and DH can help you.   Just lijke he's learned to assert himself to his own parents. 

    We all think of good verbal  come-backs  to rudeness--- too  late!  I'm sure you have!  Write them down, like a script, and role play it with DH   . Learn about assertive body language;  rehearse it  with DH.

Practice some things to say to them, calmly and directly. Both of you, you and DH.

I suggest:
“You realise that is a racist thing to say?”
“I must say I am not comfortable hearing people like my mother spoken of in that way”
“You are grandparents of a child of part Indian heritage. You need to consider that before saying things like that”
“To be honest, Dad, I don’t want xx hearing things like that, being of Indian heritage”
“I made it clear before that that isn’t acceptable language in our family, and we don’t want our multi racial children to hear it. Your choice: you observe basic manners and don’t come out with racist stuff or my visits will be without your daughter in law and grandchildren”.

Whether or not you were bullied at school (and I am very sorry that you were) you shouldn’t have to put up with this, and they are obnoxious racist knobs.

Whether or not you are of Indian background or not, it isn’t acceptable to be racist and spout such shit, but thinking about it in terms of their (hopefully) beloved grandchildren may be the best tactic to address it.

Sympathies OP. I’m mixed race, married to a white DH, but we would never have got as far as marriage had his family been racist.

I think you will suddenly find that you are able to find inner strength and ability to stand up for yourself the first time your FIL makes a racist comment in front of your children - I mustered mine from somewhere when my homophobic mother did the same in front of my bisexual 12 year old (he hadn’t come out to her).

Up to that point, I had done a lot of inward cringing, polite disagreements, suggesting she should be more liberal, ranting later at DH. As soon as she showed her hand in front of DS, and made him feel shit, my tiger streak appeared and both he and she firmly knew that what she was saying was wrong.

Basically - I am your DH in this situation, not standing up to his parents and setting them straight beforehand, and I should have done. Not just for my DS, but for family relationships all round.

If they ever make a racist comment again, I'd just tell them "please keep your hateful, racist views to yourself. I don't want to hear it."

I wouldn't make it about your mother, or your genes. It's not okay, and it wouldn't be okay if you were white british either.

I'm 72. I can tell you that age is no excuse. I grew up at a time when racism was rife. I managed to grow up to be very anti racist despite that. They need to be called out on it.

We are already in their area - we moved here 18 months ago. Which is why Dh has been setting boundaries as we’ve never lived near them beige.

Only just buying now, we’ve been renting, we’ve had to relocate my dad and all his care here.

*before, not beige

That's good news about your husband op. My husband was also brought up in a predominantly white rural area and saw so much racism in his youth. Thankfully he's nc with his racist Mother now , so we don't have to listen to her negative comments about how diverse our city is when she visits.

I do hope that you can work through your feelings from childhood op , I can't even pretend to understand what you experienced but I wish you well.

That’s good that your DH has made it clear what your FIL said was unacceptable but at this point, knowing their racist views, can you or your children ever be around them again?

If anyone said anything racist that was close to me, I don’t think I could allow my children to spend time with that person. Unless they acknowledged their racist comments, apologised and then addressed their racism, I would have to go no contact.

Don’t beat yourself about not confronting your in laws at the time as I think in your shoes I would probably have been the same. It’s what you do next is important, someone up thread mentioned getting some counselling to help you cope with the racism you suffered in childhood and that sounds sensible if you are still struggling.

I think it’s time you took control of how you want to handle it, which could include never dealing with your in laws ever again if you don’t want to. Your DH I would hope support you taking control. He can then do the same in terms of managing his relationship with his parents.

I’m going to keep giving them a wide berth as I have been doing.

I don’t think I’ll ever get to the point where I can be pally again though.

I think the comments about the Indian family were are buying from are just a way for them to take out their dislike of me.

The contempt from FIL was palpable.

They very much dislike that Dh is not like SIL. They chose the house she bought, they chose what schools her children went to, even down to making her apply for jobs at certain places they approved of. Her children are at PIL more than at home, MIL prefers it that way, she even does SIL food shopping so she know what they are eating she’s 42. It’s bizarre.

Whereas, our children are our children. We make each and every decision, no one else and we don’t want them away from home. Dh has made that clear.

So much has happened over the past 18 months with them, not just racist remarks but trying to be controlling, even trying to control the area I was helping to find my dad a house in - Dh told them to keep out of it in the end, it was too much and they we’re starting to upset my dad and make him even more confused (for example, we would see a flat he really liked and they would be negative about the street/area because someone they didn’t like used to live there etc). My dad is almost 90 and was moving across the country, it was too much, he didn’t need any negativity or people making it more stressful than it already was for him.

Re counselling, I did see someone years ago now. But she kept asking me to think about my behaviours and how I could have behaved differently, and how I couldn’t put all the blame on other people. I found it upsetting because it started when I was tiny - it’s all I remember, my mum getting spat at in the street when I was very small, horrible experiences right from the word go in school. There was nothing I could have done.

Maybe I just went to the wrong person, but she made me feel awful about myself.

Some counsellors are better than others. I think I'd try again and see if you can find one you gel with. It would help you to have some strategies for dealing with people like your il's.
I do think some posters are being a little harsh on your DH. It does take time and work to break away from the influence of controlling parents. Although he's lived away, parents can still have do much influence mentally and emotionally. It sounds like he's trying.

Glad to read your update OP, and that your DH has emailed them. But reading about how controlling they are has horrified me. They sound like a right pair of narcs.

It might be an idea for you (and possibly your DP) to come up with a few stock phrases to close discussion when they start trying to make you (both of you, or either) dance to their tune. Things like "It's our decision, not yours, and we don't want to discuss it with you" repeated at every attempt to meddle, or "Don't be racist, your grandchildren are mixed race and it is horrible for them" and the final warning "I will not discuss/tolerater this any further and if you persist we will leave/you'll have to leave".

I'm also rather a fan of "When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it. Until I do, keep it to yourself", - rude, but surprisingly effective.

Sometimes though, the only way to deal with narcs is to go very low or no contact with them. It sounds as though your DH is finally seeing them for who they are, so this might end up being the best course of action.

That sounds like a very shitty counsellor. There are some out there who are just poor and there will be others who just aren’t the right ‘fit’ for you but if you can find one you can work with it sounds like you might benefit from it.

Also, just because you avoid direct confrontation with your FIL doesn’t in any way make you ‘pathetic.’ You have distanced yourself from them already, you spoke to your DH about it and you’ve gone back and spoken to him again about it. You’ve already made them back off over moving your father and just coming into your house. You have stood up for yourself.