About to lose my shit with racist in laws

[Mrstumblesspottyface]

I won’t. It would cause WW3.

And yes. I know I have a DH problem. But he’s got better recently.

Anyway, I am half Indian. We are buying a house nearby the in laws, because we had no choice but to move up here when we were priced out of the south east.

It’s being sold by an Indian couple. The sale is DRAGGING because of covid. Everything is just so slow.

Father in law seems to blame this on the Indian couple. Dragging their feet because, “Indians just want money, it’s all they care about” and other quite derogatory things, which I won’t post.

I was too shocked to say anything the first time.

He came to drop something off yesterday and said it again on my doorstep. The way he spat out the word “Indians”. It’s really got to me.

I was bullied my whole childhood for my colour (I lived in a rural area where everyone was white, everyone). I couldn’t sleep last night because I felt like I’d just been bullied again on my own door step.

I don’t know why I didn’t say “I find that really offensive”. I just sort of stood the trying not to cry.

Not an isolated incident. The other week MIL and FIL were in the garden taking about “those Indians” bringing covid in. Spitting the word. Again I just sat there.

There have been other little digs over the years.

I’ll admit I’ve still got huge issues from childhood bullies (it was really bad, it was teachers and other adults as well as children), and I freeze. I can’t stand up for myself, ever. I’m in my 40s and I just feel pathetic.

I used to be quite friendly with them, but since a couple of months ago, with all the derogatory remarks about the Indian people we are buying the house from, I have little to do with them. I don’t text like I used to.

At first Dh was just saying it’s because they are old.

They are 70, and age is no excuse.

He’s had words with his dad about his generally controlling nature which has got much worse since we’ve lived closer.

He will speak to them about this too.

It’s really getting to me.

Do you ever say "you do realise I'm half Indian, right?"

You absolutely need to stand up for yourself and point out to the in-laws that they are being offensive and that you will not be bullied by them or anyone else. It’s the only way to deal with racist and unpleasant behaviour.

Hi op, my husband also idolises his family and they make comments putting down my heritage. They are indian and wanted a white wife for my husband. I leave them to it. It hurts too much seeing as they put their white son in law on a pedestal

It’s just hard for both of us as we’ve seen such a different side to them since we moved here.

I do feel for Dh. It’s not great to realise your parents aren’t as wonderful as you thought they were.

He realises how controlling they are and he’s set boundaries.

He also realises that I want little to do with them. Which was hard for him at first as he was looking forward to having a closer relationship until they started being not so nice.

I’d never stop him having a relationship but I’m not interested. And my children won’t be around them unless I’m there too. I don’t want them to hear anything racist. Dh was hurt at first, which I think is normal but he realises that I am right and is supportive.

We would have split if he wasn’t. He’s really turned around over the past year with them.

Dh was all for coming back up here to live for a bit but he deeply regrets that now. But my very elderly dad is now in the mix, we had to bring him here so I could be close to look after him. He wouldn’t survive another move, he’s undergoing treatment here. So we have to stay for a little while longer. And there was the issue of Dh job. The areas we could afford to have high unemployment- it was crucial that Dh kept his good job and it was just co incidence that they had another office close to here so it wasn’t an issue for them.

I’m going to speak to him at lunch. Like I said, last night ran away with us and then we had school runs stuff and him starting work early this morning. We’ve not said more than a few words to each other yet.

@Bryonyshcmyony

Do you ever say "you do realise I'm half Indian, right?"

No.

I’m a coward and I freeze. And then cry about it when I’m alone. I’ve been this way forever. I could never stand up for myself as a child either.

I wish I was different.

Your dh needs to really hurry up about taking his time to get to grips with who his parents are. There shouldn't be any time wasted in this, it's blatant racism to his own kids if anything. His reaction should be instantaneous- not talks getting him round to see your pov. You also mentioned that you will make sure they only see kids with you around. I'm not sure why you would even be doing that.

As soon as they mentioned thier Indian racist views your reply should be " your grandchildren are Indian" every single time.
They need to understand their ignorance its offensive to their own grandchildren.

Think on op maybe you can't find it in yourself to defend you but your dc are half yours-defend them!! You need to remove these toxic fuckers from their lives... As an adult they can reduce you to tears... Imagine how your dc are going to feel when they are old enough to grasp the racism surrounding them.
Yabu to even have their names mentioned in your new home never mind let a foot of theirs cross the door.

OP - I'm so sorry. This is shit. Age is absolutely no excuse. Say something: you will feel better.

FWIW I stood up to my racist inlaws (after gritting my teeth for a while) and they were so outraged that I never had to see them again. It was bliss. Best move I made. But then I am quite outspoken and my DP was probably surprised that I'd managed to keep quiet for so long.

Next time they say something, I would simply say that their racism is unacceptable and you do not want to hear comments like that in your house or around your family. (You don't have to make it about you and their GCs; if you do, they will probably pull the 'I'm not racist, some of my best friends are black' card out of the bag - if they do, please tell them that this makes it worse.)

Do it. Lose your shit! I regularly made my mil explain why a black man must always have a knife on him whenever she brought up such ridiculousness. She had no answers once I pressed. These people must be told op.

I have no patience with the 'I'm not racist , I once worked with a lovely Indian/African/Chinese lady crap'. Find your rage op, with them and your husband. He should have your back.

Please please don't beat yourself up about saying anything in the moment. Your adrenaline kicks in and your brain does the best thing in the moment to protect you. Freeze is a perfectly normal reaction.

Can you write to them and explain how their casual racist comments are deeply hurtful.and offensive? It's not your responsibility to change them but it is a good idea to put the onus on them and their behaviour as the reason why they won't e seeing you or much of the grandchildren because of THEIR behavior. You need to push this back on to them.

You may never be able to say the cutting remark in the moment. And that's OK. Just noticing when it happens is a positive step forward. Having a cry after releases lots of chemicals to complete the stress cycle that you go thru when trauma is reinflicted.

Be kind to yourself. Sounds like you are setting good boundaries with your dh and keep talking to him. Good luck.

Omg. I'm Asian and there is no way this side of hell Id be putting up with this.

My partner is white and his parents are not racists, but if they were I doubt I would stick around. And if they were racist and he didn't stick up for me I would be out the door. I wouldnt be able to have any respect for him at all.

Let me guess, you have a western sounding name? Do you look more like your non Asian side? This is the case for me, and I think it lulls racist types into thinking that you're actually more 'white' and in their heads they accept you because you're not 'really' Asian.

Please don't bring your children around these people. And I get why you husband might be sad to realise this about his parents, but did he reeeaaalllyyy not know they held these views? Seems a bit random for them suddenly to develop this bigotry...

Half Asian should say above. Mum is Asian dad is white European.

Have you thought about getting some counseling to help you in being able to speak up for yourself and deal with what happened in your childhood?

I've lived next door to a Pakistani family and across the road from an Indian family for over 20 years, they have been the best of neighbours

Why wouldn't they be? I'm sure you mean well but the tone is 'they have been the best of neighbours considering they're Pakistani'

Comments like this are patronising and offensive

I call my Nan out every single time if my 13 year old DD doesn’t beat me to it, yes old people can be very like that however it is not acceptable.

I’d tell them straight every single time and if my home escort them to them and slam it on their racist faces, fuck having people like that about, show your kids that they need to stand up to these unacceptable views do not allow family to make these comments because your children may not realise when some arseclown is being racist.

I’m sorry if Iv missed this already , but , please please get therapy for your childhood bullying. You dont need to be carrying this shit round with you . A very good one is Havening , it’s used with soldiers who have ptsd . It’s not counselling so you don’t have to relive it . If you are unfortunate enough to have to spend time as a family , I recommend bigot bingo . The more ludicrous things the old goat comes out with are seen as a game first one to hear 5 things has to work a bingo call ( legs 11, Kelly’s eye ) in to the conversation . It made our children feel in a team against racism. If we were ever trapped near him . Every good wish for your dad 💐

Your DH can’t blame his parents’ racism on their age!!

I’m mixed race and my white grandparents are in their 70s. My siblings and I are their only grandchildren. They are not racist.

Your DH really needs to stand up for you and his mixed race DC. Please don’t move close to his parents!

Let me guess, you have a western sounding name? Do you look more like your non Asian side? This is the case for me, and I think it lulls racist types into thinking that you're actually more 'white' and in their heads they accept you because you're not 'really' Asian.

Yes, western name. And so did my mum (first name, her maiden name was actually of Spanish origin). Then she married a fella with an Irish surname!

Oh I’ve had comments all my life along the lines of “but you aren’t one of ‘those’ Indians”.

My parents had it terribly. My mum didn’t cook Indian food really, once in a blue moon and I remember when we lived in a really rural area when I was little, we put our house on the market and the estate agents said he was shocked that the kitchen didn’t stink of curry, he didn’t want to take it on until them because no one would buy it if it did.

My mum was a nurse and she would always get patients saying to her “that’s not your name, what’s your real name” as it was a very British name.

My memory of my first day of school is being shown a knife and fork at lunch and told what it was because “Indians eat with their hands, she won’t have seen these before” as the dinner lady’s nodded on.

It’s really awful what I’ve put up with.

And I’m so sad that I can’t seem to get any fight. My childhood just broke me.

And to address Dh knowing they were like this -

Yes. It’s becoming clear to him since he moved back to his home town what the prevailing attitude here is.

He moved away, moved on and changed and didn’t think about it. He’s been quite down since we moved back. He’s had to face some pretty harsh realities that he just didn’t think about for years.

@Mrstumblesspottyface sending hugs and solidarity - I've been where you are!

Could be here all day detailing all the micro and macro racist stuff that's happened to me and my family over the years.

Our parents as mixed couples certainly had it tough. Don't feel bad that you don't feel like 'fighting' it takes a certain personality to do that, because more often than not, fighting a racist makes absolutely no difference to their views, it's relatively futile. All we can do is try to give our children happy lives where they don't have to experience the things we did.

With that in mind, I would definitely not move to somewhere that was not diverse. I would honestly rethink this move.

My father was like this. Arguing with him had no impact. The one thing I said that worked was " do you realise that if "grandchild's name" repeated that at school they would be suspended, its completely unacceptable"
Maybe write to them if you can't say it face to face. I'm so sorry, its horrible

I have racist relatives. I don’t have the energy to take them to task but I say, nice and calm, ‘it’s not generally acceptable to say things like that anymore’. It makes me blush but it has stopped most of the comments and it gets easier to say each time.