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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen and end of year party

134 replies

Alainlechat · 15/06/2021 17:39

Our 16 year old DD has been looking forward to her end of year party for ages. Due to the freedom day push back the date of this has been moved, to when we are away on holiday.

DD would rather miss out on the holiday and go to the party. DH and I feel she is too young to stay at home for a week, but really she will also miss out on our family holiday, which is the first one for a long time due to covid. The holiday is in the uk but looking at it it would be a 7 hour journey with 3 changes if she came back a day early say by train.

IABU to make her miss the party and come on the family holiday?

OP posts:
looptheloopinahulahoop · 15/06/2021 21:14

@Squidlydoo

Not to be a party pooper but we have just rearranged our school prom. I’m not convinced it will go ahead even in the new date.

By all means make plans but don’t cancel your own in case it doesn’t end up happening at all!

I thought about this when I was out this evening. Don't make any firm plans OP. Personally I'd go with the coming back a day early, and if the party is delayed again, you can stick with the original plan.
Sirzy · 15/06/2021 21:14

Come home a day early and do something special with the other day nearer to home on the day you would have been travelling home otherwise

Bluntness100 · 15/06/2021 21:15

Will the coach not take forever?

16 year olds should be able to get thr train and I also think it’s shit to make her pay. In one hand you’re treating her like a young child and in the next like an adult to pay her way,

It’s not good op.

rookiemere · 15/06/2021 21:20

Let her get the coach. She's young, she won't feel the impact of q long journey so much, it's cheaper with less transfers. Maybe she leaves 2 days early so she has a chance to recover before her party.

I have a DS15, they've missed so much over the past 15 months - she absolutely deserves the opportunity to spend time with her friends.

Overitallnow · 15/06/2021 21:23

Let her go, whichever way she gets there. Or she will be miserable for the rest of the holiday. My daughter managed big train journeys at that age and went to a festival after GCSEs for 3 days. But no doubt saying that I will be shot down as an irresponsible parent.

notanothertakeaway · 15/06/2021 21:25

I'd be concermed about a group mixing

But if you're ok with that, then I think all leaving the holiday one day early would be the best plan

CarnationCat · 15/06/2021 21:27

I'd let her get the coach home a day early. See her onto the coach and see if one of your parents can pick her up the other end.

There's no need for anyone to miss out.

CurlyMango · 15/06/2021 21:39

I would come back a day early.

looptheloopinahulahoop · 15/06/2021 21:40

I might go for the coach if I actually thought the party would happen on the proposed date.

But as it is, I'd go with the coming home early idea. You may be able to book the coach later if needsbe.

user1487194234 · 15/06/2021 21:44

She is 16 ,surely it is her decision

LadyCatStark · 15/06/2021 21:48

Jesus, it’s one day! Just come home a day early.

user1487194234 · 15/06/2021 21:48

And to be honest at 16 the days of family holidays are coming to an end
Mine would come at that stage if the words 'Disney' or 'NYC' figured ,otherwise it is a bonus if they decide to come

Original poster
Alainlechat · 15/06/2021 21:50

Yeah the way this variant is going still a chance the party not happen on the planned date.

So there is a national express coach that looks ok, I'm tempted to book it anyway, I'd hate to dither and then find it was sold out later. At least we have one certain option.

Looking at a train from Taunton though that goes straight into London might be a better route as a lot quicker.

OP posts:
IAmDaveTheSerialShagger · 15/06/2021 21:55

And who will look after her when she comes home hammered?

AliMonkey · 15/06/2021 21:56

We're coming home two days early from our summer holiday so that DD can be back for GCSE results day, as we'd planned the holiday assuming they'd be at the normal date rather than the early date this year. I doubt that she will do much on the day but when they've missed out on so much it seemed unfair for her to miss out on the whole experience of going into school with her mates to get the results as she wanted to. But it probably makes a difference that ours is a two week holiday (although in two places so the second week is now quite expensive for just five days).

But glad it looks like you've found a solution that works for you all and isn't too expensive.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 15/06/2021 21:59

I think your DH needs to understand that whatever else you do you cannot force a 16 yr old to miss a much longed for party which really is a substitute prom for her.

It's going to be a pretty shit holiday if you force her to come and miss her party. She'll just be grumpy and ruin it for everyone else won't she?
There's a limit to what you can make them do at 16. If she chooses not to come then is he going to strap her into the car forcibly?

I can see it's not fair on the others to come home early so travelling back by herself or not going are the options. Better to find a compromise than go head to head in a power struggle with an almost grown up. No-one is going to win from him trying to force her to do something. He'll find out sooner or later that you as parents no longer have as much power as that.

Can't he see that if you can find a compromise eg her travelling back then its win win for everyone? If he tries to exert his will on her it will be lose lose because either she won't come which would be sad given there won't be many more family holidays or she'll be bloody miserable which is probably worse.

Midnightballerina · 15/06/2021 22:01

I would let her stay home. She'll enjoy a week to herself to chill & hang out with friends.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 15/06/2021 22:05

Twenty quid for the coach isn't a lot to lose out on if it doesn't happen is it?
I'd just book it so she can have the option
A long journey by yourself on a scummy coach is a teenage rite of passage isn't it?
I used to see a lot of Birmingham Digbeth bus station as a teen going to visit friends and boyfriend. (I've never darkened its door again since I had a car or could afford the train)

Original poster
Alainlechat · 15/06/2021 22:08

If DD refused to come away I know we couldn't make her, she has said she wants to come with us though. She actually said she'd have a lot more opportunities to come on holiday with us but only one chance of this year end party.

She would be really grumpy all week if she wasn't able to go to the party even if she said she was ok with it.

She was always staying at her friends who lives close to the party that night, that said it iwould be a worry being so far away Blush, it would be a worry even if I was at home.

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 15/06/2021 22:11

@exLtEveDallas

My DDs prom has been cancelled today and she is devastated, and tbh so am I (for her). She’s had a particularly bad year and at the moment other things in her life are terrible. If one of her friends decides to hold a party I will move heaven and earth to let her go.
That's exactly how I feel.
EmeliaKate · 15/06/2021 22:12

Please find a way for her to go! I would have been so heartbroken at 16 at having to miss an event like that Confused

collywobble · 15/06/2021 22:16

I don't understand why you don't just come home one day early and be there to support your daughter and make sure she's okay after the party too given that there's possibly going to be drinking involved at a teenage party. Surely after 6 days away the younger ones can understand that you're doing it for their older sister and would do the same for them. It'll save money and stress all round . You'll probably avoid the weekend traffic jams too bu leaving a day early.

Rolloutthebarrel · 15/06/2021 22:18

Where do you need to get to and from OP- am sure we can find the best route! She has to go to the party and 16 is absolutely fine to do it on her own!

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 15/06/2021 22:19

At 16 this stuff is so important isn't it?
I know I would 100% have chosen the party over the family holiday and broken my poor mothers heart!
But she would have let me go and tried to pretend she didn't mind because she was a great mum and that's why after a bit of a break in late teens/ 20s we did have lots of holidays together again in later years
Your DD is right you know. You've a lifetime of family holidays ahead if you take a long view and this party is a moment in time and will only ever happen once for her. Friends move on, things change
You are right to support her to go and it will build your relationship for later times. If you try to hold on too hard now it's counterproductive. Hopefully your DH can see that.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 15/06/2021 22:22

And yeah she'll probably get drunk and it will probably be fine. You can't stop stuff like that either. If she's with a decent bunch of friends and you have taught her some common sense then she'll probably be fine and whether you were at home or miles away wouldn't make any difference.