People complaining about ‘not’ being able to have a wedding

[JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil]

Am I the only person who’s getting a bit annoyed with all the people whining about ‘not’ being able to have a wedding?

They can get married and the limits of max 30 will go but guests have to socially distance, there will be limits on singing and you can’t have international guests.

Yes you can’t have 100 people hugging but people have always been allowed to get married throughout the pandemic.

There was a woman complaining on the press conference that she’s being prevented from moving on with her life? Another was saying not being able to get married is giving her mental health issues. How? She can still get married, it may not be the Insta wedding she expected but the legal bit can still happen. Have the party bit later.

I feel a lot more sorrow for people trying to organise funerals who can’t have all the guests they want.

I draw the distinction between getting married and having a wedding. For most of the pandemic, marriages have been allowed. Weddings- the party side- have been limited for very obvious reasons. So the legal (and to some people, of course, moral and/or religious) aspect, the marriage, is not the problem, and hasn't been most of the time. A small wedding is allowed, with restrictions in numbers, and in activities, to make them safer. And the numbers allowed has just gone up, hasn't it? Personally I would not have wanted my wedding to lead, potentially, to the illness or death of anyone present, or anyone working at the reception. So I'd have either complied with the restrictions for the reception, or had the marriage and postponed the reception until things were back to normal.

@FirewomanSam

Oh fuck off.

The stress of postponing, replanning and downsizing my wedding while constantly checking the need to see whether weddings would be banned again (which has happened TWICE so all the people saying it only happened briefly for a few weeks at the start are talking out of their arses) gave me a mental breakdown and I’m not ashamed to admit that.

And no, it was not because I was sad that I wouldn’t have my ‘Instagram wedding’ or because I just wanted to be a sparkly princess for the day. We were happy to get married just the two of us if it came to that, but believe it or not, it actually isn’t that easy to replan and rebook a smaller wedding. We had to give notice again, which meant booking another notice appointment, which we couldn’t do until our council office reopened, and a whole bunch more admin that was extremely tense and anxiety-inducing to sort out. Not to mention the stress of having to uninvite everyone!

When I was going through it people like you kept telling me I could ‘just get married and have a big party later’ and I wanted to fucking slap them because no actually, I couldn’t, not if the register office didn’t have any slots, or I wasn’t able to give notice in time, or if weddings got banned again!

Have a fucking heart.

The times weddings were actually banned were times when I wouldn't have wanted to risk it anyway. They weren't banned for no reason.

Have a fucking heart.

These people don’t though, that’s the problem. They haven’t a single jot of empathy in their bodies. Is that a recognised condition I wonder?

The times weddings were actually banned were times when I wouldn't have wanted to risk it anyway.

Did you even read the post you quoted?

The times weddings were actually banned were times when I wouldn't have wanted to risk it anyway. They weren't banned for no reason.

Yes, but that doesn’t mean people who had weddings planned for then didn’t have a hugely stressful time trying to re-plan for a later date with register offices closed, notice appointments unavailable, and a huge backlog of other couples all wanting to ‘just get married’ too.

I swear some people on Mumsnet think you can just show up at the council office in your jeans and say ‘we want to get married please’ and be done with it, when in fact even the simplest wedding still requires booking and giving notice and a minimum of 28 days between!

I can understand why someone may feel disappointed but "affecting their mental health" come on people have been unable to see family members in their final year of life, not been able to have proper funerals etc. And I think you are right OP, it'll be because it's not insta extravagant enough

@BlueMongoose

I draw the distinction between getting married and having a wedding. For most of the pandemic, marriages have been allowed. Weddings- the party side- have been limited for very obvious reasons. So the legal (and to some people, of course, moral and/or religious) aspect, the marriage, is not the problem, and hasn't been most of the time. A small wedding is allowed, with restrictions in numbers, and in activities, to make them safer. And the numbers allowed has just gone up, hasn't it? Personally I would not have wanted my wedding to lead, potentially, to the illness or death of anyone present, or anyone working at the reception. So I'd have either complied with the restrictions for the reception, or had the marriage and postponed the reception until things were back to normal.

What part of "it was impossible to book them in" do you not understand?

"affecting their mental health" come on

I wonder how many of the charmers on here saying stuff like this will happily share all that ‘be kind’ and ‘don’t suffer in silence’ stuff but the second someone admits they’re struggling with their mental health you mock them like this.

Maybe it’s hard to imagine how it could affect your mental health unless you’ve been there yourself, but like I said above, the stress of mine led to a full-on breakdown that included panic attacks and agoraphobia that I’m still not entirely recovered from right now, despite having months of therapy.

Maybe I’ll try to explain and who knows, maybe one or two people might have a smidge more empathy? For me, some of the things that ended up impacting on my mental health were:

• the disappointment and embarrassment of having planned and got excited about a wedding for so long which now wasn’t going to happen, feeling like I was stupid and like I didn’t deserve a lovely wedding in the first place (not saying it’s rational but that’s where my brain kept going)

• dealing with the uncertainty and ever-moving goalposts while also feeling like I should be looking forward to it and only care about ‘just getting married’

• worrying about all the money we stood to lose, at the same time feeling terribly guilty and awful for our suppliers who were losing business. Trying to work out how generous we could/should be with offering to let people keep deposits that we really needed back, but maybe they needed them even more.

• worrying about upsetting or disappointing family if we chose to get married with just the two of us

• not being able to imagine how I would even cope with a wedding after a year of isolation and no social events at all, feeling terrified and overwhelmed at the prospect and convinced I would have a panic attack mid-ceremony

• wondering whether my high-risk fiancé or I would die from Covid before we were actually able to get married since weddings kept getting banned when we tried to pick a new date (full-on catastrophising)

• and feelings of guilt/shame for being upset about my wedding with so many people dying and going through such awful situations in the pandemic.

If I’d read this thread while I was going through that it would have properly sent me over the edge, so if anyone reading this is going through it right now, please know that there are people out there who understand! And for the love of god stop reading Mumsnet, no good will come of it!

Will people please stop wanging on about Instagram as if white weddings didn't exist before social media?

Will people please stop wanging on about Instagram as if white weddings didn't exist before social media?

And god forbid people might want to share photos of their wedding on social media at a time when half their friends and family won’t have been able to come!

But no, they’re right, all the stuff I listed on my post above is bollocks. All I really cared about is sharing a photo of myself in a big sparkly white dress #blessed

I have lived my life on three continents. Our wedding day was the only time in my life I will ever have all those people in the same room. So, yes, it is shit to not be able to have the wedding you wish for. If I had to have a wedding with UK guests only, my own parents and brother would not have been able to attend — that’s not a wedding I would have wanted AT ALL.

A wedding is about the marriage, of course, but it’s also often the only time in one’s life to bring together people from different phases, different places. People who have lived their entire lives in a 20 square mile radius won’t understand.

I don’t begrudge them at all. It’s been nearly a year and a half of restrictions, many people have only seen their friends and family briefly if not at all. I completely understand the frustration and disappointment.

Of course the marriage is more important, it’s not all about the wedding. But I don’t think it’s frivolous or unfair to want to share your big day with all the people you love and have a do. Especially after a difficult time. And some people will have family overseas they want to have at their wedding but currently can’t.

I think it’s quite judgemental to dismiss them all as somehow attention seeking or just desperate for social media clout. Some people on here are quick to dismiss anything that isn’t important to them personally as superficial or frivolous. It’s a bit small minded.

Sd352

I should have added that too, actually. We didn’t have overseas guests but we did have family coming from the other end of the country and at one point we faced the prospect of them being in a local lockdown, and wondering whether we should go ahead without them if that happened, and feeling so guilty at the prospect.

It was absolutely horrendous and honestly anyone who thinks wedding stress is just about being a princess and looking good on social media can fuck right off and then fuck off some more.

I feel more sorry for the wedding venues and their staff than I do for those getting married (or not).

Our wedding is in 3 weeks. Re-arranged 3 times.

It's in an open barn for fucks sake. I am, in my honest opinion, totally justified at being a bit stressed and really fucked off that I can't have the wedding we've planned and paid for without restrictions, with guests who are happy to come

I'm being bombarded by people giving it "woop, can't wait" and having to exolain that it won't be a normal wedding - it's draining and upsetting.

Not to mention the stuff I've ordered - a cheese cake from a tiny local company. If I don't finish paying for it and have it they're out of pocket by a fair whack. But how the fuck do I serve it when people cant leave their seats.

I've paid for a table of cakes rather than a wedding cake which people won't be able to access. The lovely woman making them has pretty much gone under and needs the money.

Mini bus companies have had virtually no guidance.. I've booked and paid for 4 for guests but we've no idea whether we can fit people on or whether they have to distance on them.

My dress is currently a pile of material at the seamstres. Again - local woman who needs the money.

All little things but I'm working full time, moving house, juggling life... forgive me if I get a bit stressed.
All little things but with a knock on effect.
All little stuff

I feel more sorry for the wedding venues and their staff than I do for those getting married (or not).

But empathy isn’t finite. Can’t we feel sorry for both? Why do we have to rank them?

Another thing people on these threads always seem to ignore is that many of the people getting married have ALSO had all the other stresses you use as comparison points. People say things like ‘I feel more sorry for those who couldn’t have funerals…’ not considering that maybe the engaged couples might also have been in that situation? That maybe their wedding is the one good thing they’ve been looking forward to all this time?

I was a Covid bride with all the stress that came with it. I also had a death in the family and a funeral I couldn’t go to because of Covid. My now-husband got made redundant because of Covid. Half my family were going to meet my baby niece for the first time at our wedding because they weren’t allowed to see her before that, because of Covid (then restrictions tightened further and she couldn’t even come, had to stay home with her dad).

People can be upset about more than one thing and have more than one difficult situation in their lives.

[quote Getyourarseofffthequattro]@44to852 take it you got married in a bin bag in a locked room then?

What's wrong with you!!![/quote]
"It's not a wedding unless you can show how much money you spent on it."

If you don’t do a 400 day counddown on social media to your wedding , are you even getting married ?? See also: four separate hen dos, because covid

@FirewomanSam

I feel more sorry for the wedding venues and their staff than I do for those getting married (or not).

But empathy isn’t finite. Can’t we feel sorry for both? Why do we have to rank them?

Another thing people on these threads always seem to ignore is that many of the people getting married have ALSO had all the other stresses you use as comparison points. People say things like ‘I feel more sorry for those who couldn’t have funerals…’ not considering that maybe the engaged couples might also have been in that situation? That maybe their wedding is the one good thing they’ve been looking forward to all this time?

I was a Covid bride with all the stress that came with it. I also had a death in the family and a funeral I couldn’t go to because of Covid. My now-husband got made redundant because of Covid. Half my family were going to meet my baby niece for the first time at our wedding because they weren’t allowed to see her before that, because of Covid (then restrictions tightened further and she couldn’t even come, had to stay home with her dad).

People can be upset about more than one thing and have more than one difficult situation in their lives.

Exactly this.

I am getting married this year (maybe, who knows) and yes I will be pissed off and disappointed if it doesn't go to plan, because as @FirewomanSam it's been a shit time and I want some happiness and a bloody good party. I want to enjoy my wedding celebrations completely.

After spending the whole of my maternity leave in lockdown, hardly seeing another soul let alone family - my toddler still hasn't met a lot of my friends, having funerals I couldn't go to, a parent with very advanced dementia that I have not seen since before last summer, redundancy and job stresses, milestone birthdays during full lockdown - the list goes on.

So I agree - you don't have a clue what is going on in other people's lives, and just because they are worried about their wedding being everything they want it to be doesn't mean they are self-centred, spoiled princesses with nothing else to worry about. It just might be that their wedding was the one little chink of gleaming light at the end of a very long, dark and shit tunnel.

If you don’t do a 400 day counddown on social media to your wedding , are you even getting married ?? See also: four separate hen dos, because covid

What’s this even supposed to mean and how is it relevant here?

@FirewomanSam sorry I’m just embittered that the postponement of weddings has meant an elongation of the ‘wedding countdowns’ many people do on social media and some of the em have been going on for EVER. Also I’ve had to repeat two hen dos because weddings have been postponed, which I didn’t mind because the brides are lovely and I could afford it at the time, however I know of people who are on their 4th one because of numbers because of covid - it’s ridiculous

sorry I’m just embittered that the postponement of weddings has meant an elongation of the ‘wedding countdowns’ many people do on social media and some of the em have been going on for EVER

I can see how that might be irritating, but also think it might be a tad more stressful for the people actually doing the postponing and repeatedly resetting their countdowns than it is for the people who have to keep seeing them.

44to852

"It's not a wedding unless you can show how much money you spent on it."

I am curious, why is the idea of a big (and happy ) wedding touching such a nerve with you?

You are very angry about it, and strangely involved. Which part do you missed out that you are not so bitter about?

@Ariela

I feel more sorry for the wedding venues and their staff than I do for those getting married (or not).

Were you one of those people who, at the start of lockdown, couldn't understand why everyone else was also at the supermarket?

I don’t get why there has to be such a race to the bottom.

FIL’s funeral was tiny and felt very impersonal because of the covid restrictions. It was horrible.

That doesn’t mean it’s not horrible that BIL’s wedding has had to be changed again for the fourth time.

It also doesn’t make him and SiL princesses that they’re gutted they can’t have all the family, or their friends, there with them.

Does it make the rest of us princesses for being gutted for them, and also gutted that we can’t be there?
Or just weird because we’d have liked to be there for a family occasion?

@khakiandcoral not aimed at me but, for me, I have no problems with peoples happiness, having a big party etc - I have a big wonderful family and love and knees up. For me, the wedding mindset a lot of people enter into represents the worst of society - utter wasting of money that could be spent much more wisely, buckets of environmental damage and waste, pressure and monetary expectations on guests, competitiveness and just total excess. I just hate the whole culture of it. I think I totally disillusioned by two friends marriages ending months after Them spending £20,000 plus on the day, me paying out for foreign hen dos, bridal showers, hotel stay on the big day, drinks, £100 minimum for a gift off the registry. It’s so much money! And I’m not a tight person I swear. Speaking with one of the girls who’s wedding I’m referring to and she is embarrassed that she fell into the trap. She can’t believe that it all even mattered to her when the relationship was not even strong to begin with. But I understand that is not the case for everyone.