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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this tells me all I need to know?

137 replies

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 01:12

Trying to make post lockdown plans with my best friend of 25 years. We've both been through hell during Covid, haven't seen each other for over a year, we live 200 miles apart.
Me: We're allowed to meet up, I miss you so much! I want to see you ASAP, I will come to you (big city, my adult son lives there and I haven't seen him for months either so planning visiting both)
BF: Definitely, anytime, ASAP!
Me: next weekend?
BF: actually I'm busy next weekend
Me: ha no worries! Weekend after?
BF: so many plans, how about end of August?

That's pretty clear isn't it? I'm fucking heartbroken tonight.
To avoid dripfeeding, I've always tried to be a low maintenance friend and I've never made a fuss about difficulty in arranging suitable times (honestly I've bent over backwards to accommodate the busy and important London thing for DECADES) but after everything that has happened the last year or so this feels like a massive kick in the teeth. This is all a bit one sided isn't it? I feel like a twat.

OP posts:

ExConstance · 15/06/2021 09:24

It is the sort of thing I might say, of course I'd want to see a friend as soon as I could. If you asked me to talk about what I've got planned this summer I'd say virtually nothing and blame it on Covid. The reality is though that things have crept back into the diary, mostly at weekends and if I was to try to find a free weekend before the end of August it would be a bit difficult now.I'm sure your friend wants you to have a good time on your visit. Just book up that first free weekend and see how it goes.

Original poster

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 09:24

If you're upset and feel under-valued, take a step back and drive your own sense of value. But don't send droopy-draws messages like this

I won't, I don't want to force anything and I don't want to hurt her.

This is why I love MN, I could come on here and get my self pity out of my system, get some robust and sensible responses and evaluate the situation from a safe distance. Friendship is intact, I've realised I have to manage my expectations. It's all good!

OP posts:

IntermittentParps · 15/06/2021 09:25

Right, OP, it's just you say it about three times.

rookiemere · 15/06/2021 09:27

Don't take it to heart and do text her when you've confirmed dates to visit your DS.

She was maybe thinking it meant a whole weekend but meeting for a coffee or lunch might be easier to slot in.

Don't be embarrassed about any messages you've sent. It's natural to want to catch up and
celebrate with your friend.

If she doesn't reply to firm dates and coffee then I'd scale back on messaging at that point, but I like to give old friends a bit of leeway as this 15 months have been hard.

RoseGoldEagle · 15/06/2021 09:29

Good for you OP! It’s a rare poster who takes on board advice! Hope you have a fab time seeing your son and your friend.

JediGnot · 15/06/2021 09:29

@Thatspointless

Ok I get that. It's not an event though tbf, literally just a coffee or something. An hour or so, between friends of a quarter of a century. I didn't think a few weeks notice was wildly unreasonable but I take your point

I can imagine a circumstance where I really want to spend a day with an old friend, have a proper catch up, but can hardly see the point of seeing them for an hour because we meet and barely get started.

Original poster

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 09:30

@IntermittentParps I'm living on my own in a town where I don't know anyone, I'm probably just jealous to be honest that other people live surrounded by friends and bars and lovely parks and things and have busy social lives. I don't know what else I can say, but I genuinely didn't mean to cause offense. I clearly did though so can only apologise

OP posts:

catless · 15/06/2021 09:30

Maybe she's put a load of weight on and wants to lose it before you meet?

DidSheGetOffThePlane · 15/06/2021 09:34

I'd be annoyed too. I've stopped bothering with a few friends in the past that always say they're booked up for months but can fit me in for a 37 minute coffee meet whilst their child has a swimming lesson at 10.53am in 3 months' time!

Elisandra · 15/06/2021 09:35

I don’t think you were overreacting. Your friend knows that you’ve just finished a degree, have a couple of months of relative freedom and then will be tied to shifts. That she can’t fit you in to meet and celebrate is crap. She doesn’t even appear to be trying to find a time, just a blanket ‘not until August’. Don’t blame yourself for feeling upset and let down by her. Hope you can celebrate with others.

mam0918 · 15/06/2021 09:38

She might not be able to.

My friend have invited me to a few things and I cant go - Im higher risk, not vaccinated yet (I qualified in march but doctors told me to hold off) and in and out of the hospital at the moment, I cant commit to anything right now even just 'grabbing a coffee next week' (cant drink coffee either lol).

My friend know very roughly that I have medical problems but not the level or amount, how could they when they havent seen me? (and not all of us post attention posts on facebook etc...)

When people are busy its because they have their own lives and problems, its almost never about you.

CaraherEIL · 15/06/2021 09:39

Droopy drawers!
OP can you not make a tentative plan for August and firm it up nearer the time. Maybe your friend has got really chubby and is frantically dieting before she sees you.
It’s been a full on horrendous time for everyone I think being a diva about when you can meet up after you could have both keeled over with Covid just seems precious. Just understand she has her reasons/ is busy whatever and get abit of a grip.

diddlediddledump · 15/06/2021 09:42

Hi Op. why don't you go visit your son anyway without seeing your friend?

HaplotypeK · 15/06/2021 09:44

I just said let's leave it for now as I can't plan so far in advance (I'm about to start a new job I've been at uni training for and I have a brief window before the madness of NHS shifts kick in!)

So you are allowed to have other priorities and things that make it impossible for you to see her, but not vice versa?

YABU.

WingingItSince1973 · 15/06/2021 09:49

I finally managed to see my dearest friend this weekend. She's only 70 miles away but with kids, work etc we haven't had a chance to meet up since restrictions were reduced. I can understand how you must feel if she said it in a flippant way. It's so hard especially when you live so far away to meet up. If you were in same town it would be easier for a cuppa. I guess she might have been anxious about putting you up maybe or spending all day with you as you have travelled so far. I stayed at my friend's as I couldn't do there and back in a day. Just go in August. It will come round quickly. People's lives have changed so much since covid. Even if my close friends say they want to meet up takes major planning to stay within the rules etc xxx

TheVampiresWife · 15/06/2021 09:49

My best friend was like this. We both lived in London but when I moved to Scotland she barely bothered with me - I was always the one who called/texted/emailed and I found out about her engagement from a mutual friend. I would have to pretty much beg her to meet up with me when I went down to visit and more often than not she'd say she only had time to meet for a quick lunch or coffee. Final straw was when I planned a specific trip to go to a gig with her, well in advance, and on the afternoon (after I'd arrived in London and checked in to my hotel) she texted to say something had come up and she couldn't make it and she'd have to see me next time I was down. Yeah, no. Fuck that noise.

Just cut her loose, OP.

MimosaFields · 15/06/2021 10:01

I don't think it's that unusual to be booked up till August. In fact, I know I am. I plan ahead a lot and have different groups of friends. It's difficult to slot every plan in when you only really have two days a week for leisure.

I see you are happier today! As others said, plan to visit your son and you can then let her know if she's free for an hour or two.

funinthesun19 · 15/06/2021 10:08

She might actually have a lot on though. There are so many reasons why she might be busy over these next couple of months.

If a good friend was to contact me now and say the same as you, I would give her the same response. Especially because I’m currently isolating until next week due to catching the virus, and I’m now feeling the increasing pressure to get things done that I wanted to get done before the summer holidays start. Then it will obviously be the summer holidays and I have a lot on over those few weeks. Which will take me to the end of August/ beginning of September.

So yeah, it really is that easy for it end up being weeks and weeks.

I’m generally a “book in plenty of time in advance” type of person anyway, as I don’t like having to commit to things so immediately. It just sucks the enjoyment out of the actual meet up when it feels forced.
That being said, I love truly spontaneous plans. Plans made that same day I always really enjoy as I’m out because I want to be out and I’m actually genuinely FREE to meet up.

Howshouldibehave · 15/06/2021 10:08

@HaplotypeK

So you are allowed to have other priorities and things that make it impossible for you to see her, but not vice versa?

YABU.

Exactly!

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2021 19:15

[quote Thatspointless]@stackemhigh I just said let's leave it for now as I can't plan so far in advance (I'm about to start a new job I've been at uni training for and I have a brief window before the madness of NHS shifts kick in!). I love her, I'm not going to make a big fuss but I'm not going to be a pushover anymore either. Thank you for understanding![/quote]
So you said let's do next weekend, she said can't do that short notice let's do August so you ugh I can't possibly book that it! But you're the one who's butt hurt?

Original poster

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 21:47

@SleepingStandingUp well no, more like she said "I miss you, you're my best friend let's meet up ASAP, anytime, I want to celebrate your achievement etc etc" So I said, "yay, I miss you too, ASAP? Ok fuck it, I will take a few days off and spend £80 on a train ticket to see you ASAP! Next weekend?" Then she said, "oh damn I have plans next weekend" so I said "lol no worries, weekend after?" She said maybe then "ooh actually I have 8 weeks of plans with other people booked in so let's try end of August/September". Then I realised it was all just talk really, got disappointed, felt a bit sorry for myself, posted on here and sorted my feelings out and didn't do anything rash. That's a lot of paraphrasing. It's all sorted now though, I wouldn't say I'm butthurt tbf apart from a melodramatic reaction on here last night which I've already happily admitted

OP posts:

Bouncebacker · 15/06/2021 21:59

I genuinely do have the next two months of weekends booked up. If I was your friend and you were saying ‘I’ll spend £80 on the train to come and see you” - I wouldn’t want you to do that unless I was free. I’m now booking up weekends in September and you can’t plan that far in advance so I really don’t think it’s a rejection, it’s just life!

P.S. I’m not massively popular or anything, it’s just summer holidays, catching up with family we haven’t seen for 18 months because of Covid, cub camp, kids parties….. etc etc

shinynewapple21 · 15/06/2021 22:06

TBH I don't get the urgency for you to decide you need to see her in the next fortnight given that you haven't seen her for over a year .

We have not been in lockdown to the extent that you could not have travelled to meet up with your friend before now , unless you or she lives in one of the specific areas which had extra restrictions last year, there was plenty of time last summer and autumn you could have met, and since April this year if you met out of doors .

So yes you are being unreasonable and totally melodramatic

Original poster

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 22:10

@Bouncebacker that's all cool, I'm busy too, I think we all are! But presumably you wouldn't now tell someone that you want to see them ASAP, anytime, we must celebrate at once! and then drip feed your two months of plans? It just made me feel shit for a while that's all. She is number one on my list (after family) of people I'm dying to see, I'm further down her list, it's fine, it is what it is! I'm disappointed but I have readjusted my expectations and will know for next time

OP posts:

Original poster

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 22:13

@shinynewapple21 yes thank you, that's been established, admitted and dealt with. I was working an exhausting 60-70 hours a week in a hospital all through the summer so had genuine reasons not to see her or anyone, I couldn't risk my friends or my patients. It's all sorted now anyway but thanks

OP posts:

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