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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this tells me all I need to know?

137 replies

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 01:12

Trying to make post lockdown plans with my best friend of 25 years. We've both been through hell during Covid, haven't seen each other for over a year, we live 200 miles apart.
Me: We're allowed to meet up, I miss you so much! I want to see you ASAP, I will come to you (big city, my adult son lives there and I haven't seen him for months either so planning visiting both)
BF: Definitely, anytime, ASAP!
Me: next weekend?
BF: actually I'm busy next weekend
Me: ha no worries! Weekend after?
BF: so many plans, how about end of August?

That's pretty clear isn't it? I'm fucking heartbroken tonight.
To avoid dripfeeding, I've always tried to be a low maintenance friend and I've never made a fuss about difficulty in arranging suitable times (honestly I've bent over backwards to accommodate the busy and important London thing for DECADES) but after everything that has happened the last year or so this feels like a massive kick in the teeth. This is all a bit one sided isn't it? I feel like a twat.

OP posts:
tentosix · 15/06/2021 08:39

It does sound as though the friendship is too one sided. I'd leave her to it, and forget her.

LookItsMeAgain · 15/06/2021 08:39

If this person is actually your best friend, then sending them a response like "Oh, I thought that we might be able to spare an hour or two between now and August to catch up in person...it's not like I'm asking you to rearrange your entire schedule here but if you can't fit me into your busy schedule, at least I know where I stand in your list of priorities and friendships"
Especially as you mention in your opening post that you've done lots to accommodate her visits to London over the years and she can't reciprocate wherever she lives.

It is a shame but unless you send a follow up reply saying that you are disappointed by her non-committal message, that you're going to take a break from taking to her and that if she wants to remain as friends, then she has to reach out to you, then you will be the one doing the running and organising in this friendship.

myfuckingfreezer · 15/06/2021 08:52

TBF I'd be mighty upset if my best friend didn't want to see me as soon as lockdown was over. To people saying she clearly has plans - that's the point, she has made plans for months post lockdown without thinking of the OP, so clearly doesn't value the friendship as much.

But OP, you've been allowed to meet up with her for weeks now - why have you waited so long to try if it's so important?

ContessaVerde · 15/06/2021 08:53

I didn’t understand the reference to London like that; i though the friend and son both live in London.
I have ended up losing touch with London friends because of the ‘booked up til August’ culture.

OP... where does London fit inwith your post?

mrstea301 · 15/06/2021 08:55

It's also difficult as well, people have had to shift so many plans from last year that it's entirely possible that her weekends are booked? My friend has just moved house and we are started trying in May to arrange to meet for drinks in her new garden. We're currently at 14th august as the first date that everyone can make it!!

godmum56 · 15/06/2021 08:59

I agree the ASAP thing was misleading but maybe she thought you would be as booked up too?

JorisBonson · 15/06/2021 09:04

I'm with your friend OP. What with trying to see everyone post lockdown, I also don't have a weekend free until mid August.

Lalliella · 15/06/2021 09:06

@LookItsMeAgain

If this person is actually your best friend, then sending them a response like "Oh, I thought that we might be able to spare an hour or two between now and August to catch up in person...it's not like I'm asking you to rearrange your entire schedule here but if you can't fit me into your busy schedule, at least I know where I stand in your list of priorities and friendships" Especially as you mention in your opening post that you've done lots to accommodate her visits to London over the years and she can't reciprocate wherever she lives.

It is a shame but unless you send a follow up reply saying that you are disappointed by her non-committal message, that you're going to take a break from taking to her and that if she wants to remain as friends, then she has to reach out to you, then you will be the one doing the running and organising in this friendship.

Do NOT send this! It sounds horribly needy and confrontational. Your friend probably has no idea anything is wrong, it’s probably just the way she runs her life.

I would message and say you’re going to arrange to stay with your son, are there any weekends she isn’t busy the whole weekend and could meet you for an hour or so, and you’ll try and co-ordinate the two.

Original poster
Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 09:07

@myfuckingfreezer

TBF I'd be mighty upset if my best friend didn't want to see me as soon as lockdown was over. To people saying she clearly has plans - that's the point, she has made plans for months post lockdown without thinking of the OP, so clearly doesn't value the friendship as much.

But OP, you've been allowed to meet up with her for weeks now - why have you waited so long to try if it's so important?

I've been on placement full time and working part time as an HCA on my days off, as well as writing a dissertation and sitting exams. I only finished my course last week and it's been really intense. BF has been away too
OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 15/06/2021 09:07

Congratulations!! A first is an amazing achievement. Well done. Make sure to take a bottle of champagne to celebrate with your son.

MustardRose · 15/06/2021 09:07

Why not make plans to go and see your son anyway, whenever that suits you and him, and then just let her know that you will be in x city on a certain date. So if she'd like to meet up, then this is the date you are free. Stop bending over backwards to fit in with her.

UnreasonablyPissedOff · 15/06/2021 09:08

Op I get it. Her reply wasn't even all that enthusiastic or regretful.
No 'oh I'd love that but work / family etc have me busy till xx date.
I had a friend like this. Always paying lip service to wanting to meet up & yet never ever available when actual dates were suggested. She never made any effort to do the planning either. She'd throw out a 'we need to meet! It's been too long!' & then sit back while I fell into trying to make it all happen
I eventually got pissed off always bending over backwards to accommodate her busy schedule when I worked full time in an equally busy job myself & had a family etc
I started to suspect she loved the fuss of everything orbiting around her..
For this and a myriad of other reasons, I began to see her for who she truly is & i drew back from the friendship majorly

I'm not saying this is how it is in your case at all but you did mention that you were always the one accommodating her life/ plans. That grows thin after a while & I understand that

I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your boy. If you travel to London to see him & your friend cannot find time to meet for a coffee, I would be fully expecting her to travel to you or meet half way in August

RealisticSketch · 15/06/2021 09:09

Diaries fill up, it's not personal!
Can't you pick up the phone and have a good chat, you can give her some insight on what's happening so she realises why you were really hoping for a sooner meet up and you can commiserate together, and she can tell you about the huge tsunami of play dates/weddings/good knows what else that have poured in lately. A bit of mutual understanding always improves relationships, text is never going to give that.

Original poster
Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 09:11

@ContessaVerde

I didn’t understand the reference to London like that; i though the friend and son both live in London. I have ended up losing touch with London friends because of the ‘booked up til August’ culture.

OP... where does London fit inwith your post?

BF and son are in London, I'm not! I was probably a bit snippy about it last night but yes there is definitely a competitive busyness, I'm booked up for six months thing that seems to be unique to London Grin My sister used to live there too and was exactly the same, she's moved back up North now and has gone back to normal 😂 No offence to Londoners by the way!
OP posts:
CaraherEIL · 15/06/2021 09:14

Christ, make the plan for August talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

RealisticSketch · 15/06/2021 09:15

The thing that stood out to me in your original post was:
'BF: Definitely, anytime, ASAP! (This is how she feels about it)
Me: next weekend?
BF: actually I'm busy next weekend
Me: ha no worries! Weekend after?
BF: so many plans, how about end of August? (This is what sheactually has to offer)

Don't be hurt. That's not her that's done the hurt, it's your hopes and circumstances that have caused that feeling.

IntermittentParps · 15/06/2021 09:15

Well, YANBU but you actually lose my sympathy with 'the busy and important London thing'/'competitive busyness… unique to London'

'No offence to Londoners' Hmm Really?

stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 09:17

@CaraherEIL

Christ, make the plan for August talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.
She can't, she might be working!
stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 09:17

@IntermittentParps

Well, YANBU but you actually lose my sympathy with 'the busy and important London thing'/'competitive busyness… unique to London'

'No offence to Londoners' Hmm Really?

Meh, I'm a Londoner and not offended in the least. People are too sensitive.
RealisticSketch · 15/06/2021 09:18

Personally I'd be pleased if I had a friend living an intense and busy life that wanted to make time for me. The situation would be mutual so I know it means you matter.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/06/2021 09:18

@LookItsMeAgain

If this person is actually your best friend, then sending them a response like "Oh, I thought that we might be able to spare an hour or two between now and August to catch up in person...it's not like I'm asking you to rearrange your entire schedule here but if you can't fit me into your busy schedule, at least I know where I stand in your list of priorities and friendships" Especially as you mention in your opening post that you've done lots to accommodate her visits to London over the years and she can't reciprocate wherever she lives.

It is a shame but unless you send a follow up reply saying that you are disappointed by her non-committal message, that you're going to take a break from taking to her and that if she wants to remain as friends, then she has to reach out to you, then you will be the one doing the running and organising in this friendship.

Don't do this. There's no positive outcome from doing this.

If she can't move anything she'll end up feeling like shit. And if she's just being flaky or is not prioritising you it won't motivate her to want to see you any more.

Have you never heard the expression "if you love someone, set them free?"

Guilt-tripping and self-pity has no place in friendships. I think in all likelihood she can't control the situation and even if she can you won't benefit from being someone she sees out of pity or duty.

If you're upset and feel under-valued, take a step back and drive your own sense of value. But don't send droopy-draws messages like this.

Original poster
Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 09:20

@IntermittentParps I wasn't being totally serious there, sorry if that wasn't clear! I genuinely didn't mean to cause offense, it's definitely been a thing that my sister and I have joked about. Probably coz there's fuck all to do where I live compared to London, I love London!

OP posts:
ContessaVerde · 15/06/2021 09:21

There is a London thing though. I have lost touch with friends too. I think it partly relates to time to travel within London. Whereas in my town i can get to most neighbourhoods in 15 mins, so nipping a few miles for a coffee is fine, I wouldn’t have a car in London and nipping takes an hour.

I prefer living here where I can be spontaneous.

It is a lifestyle you can get sucked into and trapped by in London. Some people like it. I couldn’t bear it.

RoseGoldEagle · 15/06/2021 09:23

Oh, I thought that we might be able to spare an hour or two between now and August to catch up in person...it's not like I'm asking you to rearrange your entire schedule here but if you can't fit me into your busy schedule, at least I know where I stand in your list of priorities and friendships

Wow, if I received a message like that after responding to someone with a date to meet up, it would be the end of the friendship for me, it’s so rude and passive aggressive.

My best friend and I have just arranged to meet and start of August was first weekend we could both do. What with working shifts, a family holiday for both of us and also keeping some weekends free for chill out at home with kids (booking up every weekend just gets overwhelming), it’s the first time we’re both free. It’s how it always is with us, but we love each other to bits and are so excited about that weekend.

Appreciate it’s just a coffee you’re talking about- and yes if I said I was in her hometown at any point and suggested a coffee she’d try to fit me in- but she might not be able to at short notice as she’s busy, I’d be the same.

Everyone’s different though as is clear from this thread. I couldn’t cope with someone being this distraught that I couldn’t see them next weekend, equally I can see some people might not be able to tolerate me not dropping everything to fit them in.

I really don’t think it should be the end of the friendship though, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t value you, I agree with PP that she maybe is thinking (hoping even) it will be longer than just a coffee and she wants to set aside more time for you?

Sunnysideup999 · 15/06/2021 09:23

I don’t think you’re a priority to her.
If someone really wanted to , they would.
Yes, life gets in the way, etc etc etc.... but nothing is impossible and if she can’t spare a few hours to meet for coffee, then that’s a poor friend.
She might have things going on, feel overwhelmed with lockdown easing etc, but these are not for you to second guess.
If she wanted to, she would.