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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this tells me all I need to know?

137 replies

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 01:12

Trying to make post lockdown plans with my best friend of 25 years. We've both been through hell during Covid, haven't seen each other for over a year, we live 200 miles apart.
Me: We're allowed to meet up, I miss you so much! I want to see you ASAP, I will come to you (big city, my adult son lives there and I haven't seen him for months either so planning visiting both)
BF: Definitely, anytime, ASAP!
Me: next weekend?
BF: actually I'm busy next weekend
Me: ha no worries! Weekend after?
BF: so many plans, how about end of August?

That's pretty clear isn't it? I'm fucking heartbroken tonight.
To avoid dripfeeding, I've always tried to be a low maintenance friend and I've never made a fuss about difficulty in arranging suitable times (honestly I've bent over backwards to accommodate the busy and important London thing for DECADES) but after everything that has happened the last year or so this feels like a massive kick in the teeth. This is all a bit one sided isn't it? I feel like a twat.

OP posts:
MadeinSW3 · 15/06/2021 05:36

Not acceptable at all - maybe time to leave the friendship. When Boris announced about easing April 12/17th in March time I booked a table immediately with mine so we could meet when allowed and have a meal / drinks.

nettie434 · 15/06/2021 05:38

I was going to vote YABU until I realised you were only suggesting a coffee. It's quite feasible that she might not have a weekend free until August but surely she is not so busy that she can't see you for an hour or so? I would feel hurt in your position.

I do think the pandemic has changed friendship dynamics. I've seen friends who live locally more often because we were all so restricted in terms of meeting up inside. Maybe things will improve so perhaps wait a while before you decide things have changed for good. I do realise it seems very hurtful, especially because you may find it harder to go away once you start your new job.

AlternativePerspective · 15/06/2021 05:43

But equally the friend could be thinking that she is just an afterthought if all the OP wants is a coffee.

She could be about to write on here that she’s heartbroken that her friend of x years is in the area, and after all this time she can only accommodate her for a few minutes and surely that says how little she means to her.

joystir59 · 15/06/2021 05:44

@Thatspointless
You've been good friends for a quarter of a century, so I think that worth making a fuss for. I'd tell her what you've said here, just be open and honest with her about how you feel. Friends don't have to hide their feelings, you are allowed to express your annoyance and hurt.

JSL52 · 15/06/2021 05:44

I'm booked up till the second weekend in September. Three of us (over 20 year friends) are trying to meet up. We've given up for now.
Work, childcare, things that were postponed from last year.
Not always easy.

Lulola · 15/06/2021 06:02

I wouldn’t be able to meet you until the last week of August or September. I have something in every weekend, I’ve various hen parties and weddings, some moved from last year and some always booked for this - I’m having to drive from my cousins wedding reception at 5 to go to my friends evening do because they are on the same day and I didn’t want to miss one completely.

I’ve not got a family holiday booked this year more than 1 night away in a B&B because of time. I have one weekend with nothing booked which I’m keeping secret because I want to spend time with DP.

If she’s your best friend and you are as close as you say, why don’t you trust when she says she’s busy?

Original poster
Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 06:03

Thanks everyone, it's been really useful to get this in perspective! Like I said, I love her so I'm not going to be causing any drama but I'm also going to back off a little bit, I'm clearly a bit oversensitive at the moment.

With regard to the coffee thing, I was prepared to make plans for any timescale from a whole weekend to a snatched coffee in between other things, I just wanted to see her face and have a hug. That sounds a bit desperate but I'm that keen to see her!
I'm happy to do my own thing in town and spend time with my lad and his boyfriend who have just moved in together and are keen for me to come and see their new place

I'm also not trying to be difficult about planning for August, I have no idea yet what my shifts are going to be and I've been warned that as a newly qualified nurse I will likely be working a lot of weekends!

I'm sure it will all be fine. As suggested up thread I will make plans with my son and drop her a message while I'm there in case she has a free half hour or whatever but I won't push it!

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/06/2021 06:15

Gosh you took that with very good grace! A rare sight on mn!

She might have lots of delayed things to go to. Has she got dc? I find my weekends dissappear for their stuff.

Mintyt · 15/06/2021 06:20

Say you will contact her nearer the time, once you know your shifts, and ask now what date is good and you will work towards that. Also I think your worth more than a coffee between her other plans, you need a day or an afternoon. Don't give yourself a time slot. Remember you're worth it.

Mumdiva99 · 15/06/2021 06:24

Your original message/chat sounded to me like you wanted to spend the weekend with her. In which case August might be the next free one. (My diary had stuff carried over that was cancelled last year etc).
I think there were crossed wires. When you have planned with your son call her back and explain you need to come see him know because Job/shift etc and I'm sure it will be fine and you will see her. -- only thing no one has mentioned is if you are coming from an area with a really high rising covid rate in which case that might be her delay.

stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 06:33

I'm sure it will all be fine. As suggested up thread I will make plans with my son and drop her a message while I'm there in case she has a free half hour or whatever but I won't push it!

I really wouldn’t text her again. As a pp said, let her do the chasing, you’ve shown you want to see her.

Does she text / call you?

abstractprojection · 15/06/2021 06:44

She might just be very busy with her and partners families and people who just asked first.

bishbashbosh99 · 15/06/2021 06:46

Oh god, if you tried to book in with me it would be end of august too, I've made so many plans to see family and go on trips etc that I've booked myself up. So don't read too much into it unless shes sat at home avoiding you

Bridezillamaybe · 15/06/2021 06:48

Actually my friend won't plan in advance and it makes me feel like she's not bothered about me. If I do want to see her I have to change plans (and don't assume plans are social arrangements, they are often responsibilities) or I would never see her.

So perhaps consider that perspective.

Woweelibfree · 15/06/2021 06:49

Also trying to slot loads of visits in... YABU.

stackemhigh · 15/06/2021 06:50

@Bridezillamaybe

Actually my friend won't plan in advance and it makes me feel like she's not bothered about me. If I do want to see her I have to change plans (and don't assume plans are social arrangements, they are often responsibilities) or I would never see her.

So perhaps consider that perspective.

But if OP makes plans for August and then has to cancel because she has been been given a shift, then I bet that friend will turn everything around on OP being flakey.
Lovemusic33 · 15/06/2021 06:55

I have a friend that I see once in a blue moon, she works a lot and long hours, I work part time so am more flexible, sometimes I go over a year without seeing her, other times I see her twice in a week. It's hard to know if your friend is making excuses or if she is just very busy, sometimes life just gets in the way.

DotsandCo · 15/06/2021 07:13

OP, your friend clearly has no idea that you are thinking 'just a quick coffee' given that you'll be travelling 200 miles though! She assumes you'd be wanting to spend longer...who would travel all that way just for 'coffee and a hug' in reality? It's a bit of a stretch isn't it, unless you'd been very specific in your message! If one of my long distance friends sent me your initial message, I'd be putting the brakes on too, as I quite literally cannot give my weekends up at the moment as I'm swamped with work and completely knackered! I even had to turn down an hours visit from my precious grandchild last week because I'm just too overwhelmed with work...broke my heart! So I'd be loathe to give up a weekend (or even an hour to be fair!) to see anyone else right now. I'd have said the same...it would have been august for me I'm afraid 🤷‍♀️ Is your friend a teacher by any chance? If she is...there's a reason she's said August 🤣

UseOfWeapons · 15/06/2021 07:14

I can understand how you feel. I have a friend like this, and I love her, and don’t want to lose her friendship, it’s too important over a lifetime.
We both have busy lives, but if she’s unable to make solid plans to meet up, I just send her a message back saying that I’ll leave it to her to get in touch when she’s able to think about us getting together.
It’s all fine, she’s always been like this, but her value as a friend is too high for me to think about dropping her. She always gets I touch eventually, and we see one another, and it’s wonderful.

spotcheck · 15/06/2021 07:18

Why are you basing your visit to your son around your friend?
Make a plan to see HIM and then perhaps let her know you are in the city, and does she want to meet for coffee?

TeenMinusTests · 15/06/2021 07:23

I too would read the message as if you were wanting to spend the whole day/weekend with her.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 15/06/2021 07:23

just put her name in your diary for when she can manage. grin and bear it, if she is unavailable before then, then so be it

User1110 · 15/06/2021 07:23

I had exactly the same with a friend. She wanted me to go and stay at hers for the weekend, but I couldn’t commit for about 7 weeks as literally every weekend was booked up already with something (I hadn’t seen my family in over a year so they were my priority!).

Said friend got really shirty with me. I found that irritating and a bit suffocating as I wasn’t saying that I couldn’t see her at all, it’s just I really did want to spend time with my mum, dad, elderly granny etc as well as DP family first (especially considering she is the last person I spent time with before lockdown!). She wanted a whole weekend with me and just me.

I wouldn’t be heartbroken, people are busy right now. They’re carrying over plans from last year, making up for lost time with family. She’s not saying she doesn’t want to see you ever again.

NursieBernard · 15/06/2021 07:25

I understand that you're upset as this past year has been shit. Your friend might just have loads of stuff planned as she's had a shit year too. Like her I also have plans every weekend until mid August, I have just spent 12 months doing nothing but working so I want to make the most of things. Make a plan to see her at the end of August and see your son before that.

LawnFever · 15/06/2021 07:26

I think you’re melodramatic to be ‘heartbroken’, we’ve been able to meet for a while now, you’ve left it until now to contact her and you can’t be flexible and plan ahead so it’s hardly just her fault.

If you plan a trip to your son then try and see her just let her know as soon as you have those plans sorted, don’t just tell her the day before. Just because you don’t want to/aren’t able to plan ahead there’s nothing wrong with her preferring to.

Also, call her rather than text Smile

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