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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this tells me all I need to know?

137 replies

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 01:12

Trying to make post lockdown plans with my best friend of 25 years. We've both been through hell during Covid, haven't seen each other for over a year, we live 200 miles apart.
Me: We're allowed to meet up, I miss you so much! I want to see you ASAP, I will come to you (big city, my adult son lives there and I haven't seen him for months either so planning visiting both)
BF: Definitely, anytime, ASAP!
Me: next weekend?
BF: actually I'm busy next weekend
Me: ha no worries! Weekend after?
BF: so many plans, how about end of August?

That's pretty clear isn't it? I'm fucking heartbroken tonight.
To avoid dripfeeding, I've always tried to be a low maintenance friend and I've never made a fuss about difficulty in arranging suitable times (honestly I've bent over backwards to accommodate the busy and important London thing for DECADES) but after everything that has happened the last year or so this feels like a massive kick in the teeth. This is all a bit one sided isn't it? I feel like a twat.

OP posts:

TooTiredForToday · 15/06/2021 07:28

I don't think you're being unreasonable but perhaps you're not both on the same page.

Like a PP suggested, plan to visit your son for the weekend, text your friend and say 'ill be in town on x dates visiting DS, if you fancy a drink or lunch and have time let me know'

Does she work weekends or shifts? That can eat up a lot of time people would normally catch up.

GreyGoose1980 · 15/06/2021 07:30

Hi OP
It depends on how many close friends and family she has and also if she has a DP/ DH whose family she hasn’t seen due to Covid too. Does she also have adult DC - maybe she hasn’t seen them for ages either. Covid has been so hard on everyone some more than others and caused a ‘backlog’ of people to meet up with. We don’t always know what challenges other people have going on so I wouldn’t judge a very good friend who wanted to see me in 8 weeks time. I’d plan a great weekend in that city. If she cancels or only wants to spend an hour with you when you get there then I’d reassess but I’d cut her some slack to start with and enjoy planning your trip.

Beautiful3 · 15/06/2021 07:34

I think she's being OK, she said end of august. She's probably trying to give you the whole day at the weekend. It's not her fault if she's busy. If I were you, I'd book it in. However if she cancels or tries to reschedule, I would think that was a bad sign.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 15/06/2021 07:36

@Thatspointless

Ok I have just seen the vote (I didn't realise I had to vote myself to see the result). The majority say IABU, I will accept that. I'm just feeling a bit sore (and insomniac). Ugh.

As I voted just now, it was exactly 50:50. I get you. I have had the same thing with the person I had thought was my best friend, though over a much longer period of time. It's like a bereavement, realising someone you thought of as your sister didn't think the same way about you, that you are just peripheral to their lives now. It's taking me years to get over it, and I'm not there yet. Good luck with your new job, I hope that goes really well for you.

bellsbuss · 15/06/2021 07:38

I'm booked up until mid September so I think you're overreacting.

Bagelsandbrie · 15/06/2021 07:39

This is why I hate friendships.

August has been suggested. It’s not a no. I couldn’t just suddenly change my plans for the next two weekends. I can’t understand why you’re so upset, especially if you haven’t seen each other for ages anyway a few more weeks won’t hurt!

Sorry but I think you’re being massively unreasonable and overthinking.

maddening · 15/06/2021 07:40

Over reaction imo. People start making plans we have been locked down for ages, there is a backlog to clear.

I am busy at work, I certainly won't be booking every weekend up, I need to leave space for me so I could easily have stuff booked in

Eg this weekend Father's day, the.following weekend 2 social events, weekend after keeping clear. Then in July a social event, a weeding and our anniversary and a.big family event for mum's bday and some work being done im July on our loft- so I am booked up till August. I already have a few things planned in August. I am working full time, once I hit end July and August I have a few days off due to childcare in summer hols so will be making plans to take ds out etc when I am not working. If.a good friend asked I would be looking at August and it would not reflect on how I felt about them.

Standrewsschool · 15/06/2021 07:40

Did she realise it was only for coffee, or did she think it was more, ie. spending the whole day together?

KatherineOfGaunt · 15/06/2021 07:41

YANBU. I've been trying to see my old school friends for the past 3 years. It's always me that suggests meeting up and then I just get either nothing in return or apologies that they're busy. They'll never suggest an alternative. I've had two kids since I last saw them that they've never met. I have a big occasion at the end of August but already been told they can't make it that weekend. So I'll not be suggesting any more meet-ups. It makes me sad that I am losing my oldest friends as I don't really have any new ones, but I just can't keep asking anymore.

PixieDust28 · 15/06/2021 07:42

This wouldn't bother me. Maybe she is genuinely busy until August. You've waited a year so 2 months is no biggie. I wouldn't throw away a friendship over it.

maddening · 15/06/2021 07:43

Boom a weekend off in August rather than wait for a shift rota. As her what weekend she has free and book the time off with work.

partyatthepalace · 15/06/2021 07:53

It is upsetting when things like this happen - but as you’ve said, you’ve both had the year from hell. I think everyone is pretty bonkers right now.

I think you are right to back off a bit as you are clearly in different places emotionally right now.

But - do go ahead and arrange the weekend in late August that works for you both. You’ll have a great time and you will reconnect.

this is certainly not worth loosing a 25 year friendship over

Tangled22 · 15/06/2021 08:04

I don’t think it’s “pretty clear” about anything, other than the fact she has lots of plans and isn’t free until the end of August.

This would be the point to look at the calendar and say “great! Shall we pencil in Saturday the x and Sunday the x and see which works better nearer the time?”

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 15/06/2021 08:06

@HollyBollyBooBoo hit the nail on the head for me!

BirthdayCakeBelly · 15/06/2021 08:07

It’s difficult because as soon as restrictions relaxed in May I booked up every weekend with activities. Things we haven’t been able to do for month and months. So I understand a full calendar.
That said, I also contacted my close friends and got time with them booked in. I didn’t want to risk the guidance changing and I need to travel to see them.
To me it sounds like she could have sorted a weekend with you before booking herself up. That’s what I did.
I’d pencil in a date that she suggests in August knowing there was a chance I’d have to rearrange but not feel too bad about that.

lola006 · 15/06/2021 08:09

I don’t think you’re BU, OP. First, she said “anytime, ASAP!” and then switched to August.

And second, the way I read your final paragraph it sounds like you do the travel to London to accommodate the friendship as maybe opposed to her coming to you? (Correct me if I’m wrong, of course.) I had a friend who refused to get on an hour long train to see me as it was “too far” from precious London but it was never “too far” for me to travel to London. I eventually gave up inviting friend to visit but I also stopped suggesting any meet-ups. So I do wonder if this maybe is the straw that broke the camels back, OP?

That said, others could be right and maybe she wants to devote a good, full day to you and that’s the earliest she can do it.

UserAtRandom · 15/06/2021 08:14

200 miles away is too far for a day trip. We've only comparatively recently been able to stay with people overnight. Most people I know are pretty booked up with seeing family members they haven't seen for months - let alone friends! I'd also assume you wanted a whole weekend together (and surely it's good she wants that to?) and wouldn't be able to drop everything to fit that in.

I don't think offering August for a whole weekend sounds too bad and I'd suggest penciling in a date with caveats. If you're planning to go and see your son anyway, I'd also message "going to be in your town on x date - are you free for coffee?"

Howshouldibehave · 15/06/2021 08:23

Ok I get that. It's not an event though tbf, literally just a coffee or something. An hour or so, between friends of a quarter of a century

There is no way she would think you’d come 200 miles and only see her for a quick coffee. I’m assuming she’s looking at the next free weekend she’s got, which is completely fair enough. Make plans to see your son for a weekend and then you could see if she’s free for a coffee then. Where will you stay?

Mandalay246 · 15/06/2021 08:25

If she's booked up until August then why say "Definitely, anytime, ASAP!"

I would go ahead with a trip to see your son and if she is available all good, if not she can wait until your next trip to the city - whenever that is. I've been in this position where I do all the accommodating and it does wear thin. YANBU.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 15/06/2021 08:28

Some people are actually busy! I wouldn't take that as a rejection, just that she is busy. Fair enough, if it becomes impossible to set a date at all in August then you may have a point.

RealisticSketch · 15/06/2021 08:32

I'm like your friend in that the flood gates and opened and bam! My diary is filling fast. I think her stated desire that she'd like to see you anytime is being limited by this and she's given you her next available slot. I wouldn't see this as an issue in your shoes. Maybe she could squeeze you in sooner but at the cost of being able to spend much worthwhile time with you, by giving you a free day out works out better for both. That's how I read it.
If that's anywhere near the truth the only thing she could have done differently would to have given you first dibs on her diary a long time ago before things started getting booked. So, if she's a good long standing close friend, why don't you talk to her about how you feel? I can't imagine how that wouldn't be possible if she's a good friend and maybe she just needs some perspective from you on how things are at your end. Mutual understanding always makes for better relationships. If you can't do that I don't think you're very good friends.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/06/2021 08:32

I understand you are upset but you are over-reacting here and if you kick off about this you risk losing a valuable friendship. .

People have very different approaches to managing their time, dictated in part by their family circumstances etc. It sounds as if your approach is more spontaneous/happy go lucky and she's more of a planner.

You need to take a step back and consider what else she has to factor on here. Fine to be upset and disappointed but it would be foolish to throw the friendship away.

Original poster

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 08:35

Thanks everyone, I'm cringeing a bit at how melodramatic my post was last night, I was genuinely really upset but it's a bit OTT! I'm stressed to hell at the moment and I'm not sleeping well so everything is a bit raw.

It has been a good chance to reflect on everything to be honest, like I've said I love her to bits and I'm not going to cause upset but I also don't need to always be the one travelling and making the effort, my time is valuable too.

OP posts:

TatianaBis · 15/06/2021 08:38

August is only 6 weeks away. I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all.

Original poster

Thatspointless · 15/06/2021 08:38

And I did get overexcited at the "anytime! ASAP!" thing. It was in the context of her saying she wanted to meet up to celebrate my getting my degree results (I got a first!) so it was a bit deflating to then find out my celebration would be in three months or so 😂

OP posts:

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