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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - asking for my jewellery

119 replies

Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 17:04

Name changed for this as spoken to people in RL about this so don’t want any links to previous posts.

Been married for 12 years and MIL has kept my jewellery given to me by my parents and also she has kept all the stuff she gave me too. I feel the stuff she gave me was just for show and photo opportunities for her as I have never to this day seen anything!

In past before Covid I asked to see my stuff so I could wear to weddings etc and she always fobbed me off. I spoke to her today and it was awkward but I made myself grow some balls and just do it!

She was miserable (more than usual) and told me no. I said to her when else will I ever wear this jewellery when I’m in my 50’s or 60’? Like when can I ever even see it. She was really angry with me and didn’t help that my kids were acting up so I had to cut the conversation short. She basically told me I can wear one of my family set and no I can’t wear hers as it’s more expensive. I’m being made to feel by DH I’m being unreasonable and the jewellery is not really mine but I find this difficult to understand as it was gifted to me on my wedding day!

They’re Asians btw so if anyone has any understanding of the culture it will help me understand.

I don’t want to give any more details as will stress me out that family will be reading this and figure out it’s me. Please advise. I’m so angry and DH is saying that I should just go and buy myself some jewellery but I don’t get why when I supposedly have all this jewellery why I should.

I know it’s Covid now but even 10 years ago I always felt the least dressed in their family when for weddings all the girls would dress up in their finest and I would always be plain Jane.

OP posts:
myusernamewastakenbyme · 14/06/2021 17:08

Why on earth has your MIL got jewellery that was given to you by your own parents???

Merryoldgoat · 14/06/2021 17:14

Wtf? Jewellery given to you by YOUR parents.

Go round there, ask to see it, take it. Job done.

bloodyhell19 · 14/06/2021 17:15

My ILs are Asian. I was given jewellery when we got married, and that has been in my possession since. Was it given to you formally as a gift or was it one of those "when I die this is for you" things? I also don't understand why she has jewellery given to you by your parents. Most bizarre.

SarahBellam · 14/06/2021 17:17

Tell her to give it to you or you’ll report her to the police for theft. It’s bizarre that she thinks she can take something that doesn’t belong to her.

FloydWasACat · 14/06/2021 17:19

/\

This! Sounds like something is massively awry. Is your MIL heavily involved in your lives at all? I don't mean that rudely btw

happysunr1se · 14/06/2021 17:21

If it's similar to chinese culture then the gold is supposed to be your "dowry"?

My inlaws gave me family gold jewelry (many necklaces, bracelets, rings etc) on my wedding day, but they didn't ask for it back afterwards. I'm expected to pass it on to my children.

It sounds like they are either greedy or don't trust you unfortunately.

Mrgrinch · 14/06/2021 17:22

Take it home? Why does she have it?

Wherearemymarbles · 14/06/2021 17:24

If your MIL has and is not letting you wear jewellery given to you by your parents you have to do more than grow a pair ball balls.

You’ll need a heard of them, and elephant ones at that!

Botherfreedays · 14/06/2021 17:24

Why has she got a gift from your parents? How did she get hold of it? Tell her you will go to the police.

dottiedodah · 14/06/2021 17:24

This seems strange to me .I have no experience of Asian families and their customs ,but this seems to be well out of order to me ! Surely she shouldnt have jewellery given to you by your parents ?

Howshouldibehave · 14/06/2021 17:25

If your parents gave you jewellery, how did she get it?

If she refuses to give it to you, I’d get your DH to ask them, if not I would get your parents to ask for it back. If none of those work, then police.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 14/06/2021 17:26

Have you seen it at all recently? Has she flogged it or given it to someone else and doesnt want you to know? Is your DH scared of his mum? Why isnt he supporting you having it?
I have the same cultural background but if i felt that strongly id tell her I'm reporting the theft to the police - but im bolshy.

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 17:27

Yes she is very heavily invested in our lives. I think it’s a control issue. Only recently she’s given me all my Indian party clothes. She used to keep them all in her house and I had to ask for it when I wanted it! I ended up over the years taken one outfit at a time and “forget” to return when she asked

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 14/06/2021 17:28

How did she physically get stuff your parents gave you though?

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/06/2021 17:28

Are you and your parents from the same cultural background? Traditionally, in some South Asian cultures, the bride’s parents transfer the bride’s dowry to the groom’s parents upon marriage - it isn’t “your” jewellery, it’s your in-laws.

What was your parents’ intention when they gave it to your PILs? Have you spoken with them about it?

Zenithal · 14/06/2021 17:28

Yeah why has she got it in the first place?

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 17:33

How did she physically get stuff your parents gave you though?

Parents handed to her on day of wedding as tradition and she never gave to me even when I asked she said there’s robberies in area so will keep in bank. I was very young so just went along

OP posts:
Ozanj · 14/06/2021 17:38

What culture are you and what culture are your parents. Amongst some ‘traditional’ Gujaratis and Punjabi Hindu and Sikh cultures, the gifts for the bride aren’t hers they belong to her children. If she has children then they get distributed when mil dies. If she doesn’t have children they get distributed amongst the daughters in the man’s family. That’s why bride gifts at weddings are usually something minor; and major / expensive gifts get given during your shrimant / kids head shaving.

Did your parents know the rules in your husband’s family before they gave you the gift? If they did then just leave it. If they didn’t and it’s expensive then you need to just ask for it and make enough of a fuss until you get it, but I probably wouldn’t bother if it’s just a small set.

Aqsw · 14/06/2021 17:38

Please don't get fobbed off by them. Do they live in uk? Where has your Mil kept it? Please ask for it back whenever you visit. . Make up an event if you have too. Make sure you get the one your parents gifted first and then try for others. Dh needs to speak up too. Remain calm and firm. Don't get fobbed off by her emotional reaction.

SafferUpNorth · 14/06/2021 17:39

@Changednameforthis12

How did she physically get stuff your parents gave you though?

Parents handed to her on day of wedding as tradition and she never gave to me even when I asked she said there’s robberies in area so will keep in bank. I was very young so just went along

Geezo. This situation needs sorting out pronto. Esp the fact that SHE is keeping stuff given to YOU by YOUR OWN parents. That's theft!

Are your parents still alive? Can they get in touch with your MIL and instruct her in no uncertain terms to hand over the jewellery they'd given you?

AnUnoriginalUsername · 14/06/2021 17:40

Tell her she can keep the stuff she said she was giving you as clearly she didn't actually want to give you it. But that she needs to give you your stuff that your parents gave you.

GrettaGreen · 14/06/2021 17:45

"Look MIL, I don't want this to become more than it needs to be but I want my jewellery. I'm very upset about it so me and the kids won't be coming around untill I get it back."

Juststopasking · 14/06/2021 17:45

Was it a dowry?

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 17:50

The stuff she gave me is definitely nicer and more expensive. To be honest the stuff my parents gave me is okay but not as nice. My parents have no money and DH family are very rich. Which makes it even more frustrating that she doesn’t give me anything.

I’m in 2 minds to either a) keep asking like I did today but then this causes high emotions in me such as I’m now sat here really upset and feel I have no support. Also causes issues between me and DH. We’re not very happy at the moment and I feel this is causing further issues.

OR 2) just accept she won’t give me anything till she dies so just to write it off till then and buy myself something so I don’t feel inferior and plain Jane at next family function/meet-up if there ever is one. I’ve never really bought jewellery. So no idea where to even go looking, no idea price range either or if I’ll get ripped off. I’ve never been much of a shopper

OP posts:
Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 18:00

No it wasn’t dowry. My parents stuff was definitely for me to wear not dowry, they don’t dowry that was in the past. I just feel she made a huge show and spectacle of taking me all over the shops before we were married and getting me to “choose” all my heels abs trying them on me to just never letting me wear it! I say “choose” loosely as everything I wanted and said was nicer her and her daughter kept saying no that’s not nice at all and kept asking to see heavier and more expensive pieces.

DH will never support me.

OP posts:
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