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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - asking for my jewellery

119 replies

Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 17:04

Name changed for this as spoken to people in RL about this so don’t want any links to previous posts.

Been married for 12 years and MIL has kept my jewellery given to me by my parents and also she has kept all the stuff she gave me too. I feel the stuff she gave me was just for show and photo opportunities for her as I have never to this day seen anything!

In past before Covid I asked to see my stuff so I could wear to weddings etc and she always fobbed me off. I spoke to her today and it was awkward but I made myself grow some balls and just do it!

She was miserable (more than usual) and told me no. I said to her when else will I ever wear this jewellery when I’m in my 50’s or 60’? Like when can I ever even see it. She was really angry with me and didn’t help that my kids were acting up so I had to cut the conversation short. She basically told me I can wear one of my family set and no I can’t wear hers as it’s more expensive. I’m being made to feel by DH I’m being unreasonable and the jewellery is not really mine but I find this difficult to understand as it was gifted to me on my wedding day!

They’re Asians btw so if anyone has any understanding of the culture it will help me understand.

I don’t want to give any more details as will stress me out that family will be reading this and figure out it’s me. Please advise. I’m so angry and DH is saying that I should just go and buy myself some jewellery but I don’t get why when I supposedly have all this jewellery why I should.

I know it’s Covid now but even 10 years ago I always felt the least dressed in their family when for weddings all the girls would dress up in their finest and I would always be plain Jane.

OP posts:

Looubylou · 15/06/2021 04:16

So we have established this is abusive, and controlling and not the norm. My friend married into an Asian family and I remember the handing over of the gold - a huge deal was made of it, in a really flashy way. They are a well off family, so there was lots of it - we thought it was bloody awful extremely flashy stuff, but my friend appreciated it meant a lot to her mil. Lots of outfits were gifted at same time and a fashion show followed. Crucially, all of these things were left in my friends possession, when mil and fil returned to their own country. On subsequent visits it has never been asked for. I would forget the jewellery and focus on making a happier future for yourself outside of this family - you are not valued as a wife or family member. Work on your self esteem with professional support if you need it, before getting out of your marriage.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 15/06/2021 07:47

Hi OP I think your MIL should let you have your sets of jewellery and clothes. However I can see that you are heavily involved in each others lives and your DH has ties to both of you and will be used to being controlled by MIL and not want to rock the boat. I think the easiest way to do it would be for you to buy yourself some jewellery that you like and then turn up to occasion wearing it. I bet MILs eyes will pop wondering where you got it. Also store it somewhere unusual at your house just incase MIL goes looking for it or asks the kids to fetch it for her. (Sounds far fetched, but I know a MIL who did this) Good Luck.

Original poster

Changednameforthis12 · 15/06/2021 08:22

Thank you everyone I’ve been reading all your posts and I feel less alone.

To answer about my ethnicity I am Asian, the same as Inlaws so that’s not the reason she’s holding it. She’s had it since day 1. I think it is control as when I asked her previous times her response was “I keep my daughters jewellery and they have no problem” so basically she has kept the jewels she gave her own daughters rather than give to Inlaws! You can’t have a conversation with her as she doesn’t see reason. When I previously pointed out she has her family jewels not her daughters INLAWS she gets into a rage. I really dislike her. All these years she has made me feel like crap.

No my parents won’t stand up as they are the type to think I’m no longer their “problem” which makes life easier for them.

I phoned up my mum yesterday to talk about it and she couldn’t care less. Her response is it will all come to me one day.

OP posts:

sparemonitor · 15/06/2021 08:30

Do you have kids? this sounds like a very controlling relationship and if no kids yet I'd suggest get the hell out of there. your husband doesn't have your back.

SharonasCorona · 15/06/2021 08:34

@Changednameforthis12

Thank you everyone I’ve been reading all your posts and I feel less alone.

No my parents won’t stand up as they are the type to think I’m no longer their “problem” which makes life easier for them.

I phoned up my mum yesterday to talk about it and she couldn’t care less. Her response is it will all come to me one day.

At this stage I would be threatening the police, OP.

How often do you have to see this bitch?

Original poster

Changednameforthis12 · 15/06/2021 08:39

Yes we have kids. She’s controlling with them too she HAS to see them every weekend.

I see her about 3 times a week. It’s never pleasant, she’s really moody. In beginning I used to think I’ve gone something to upset her. She never says what’s wrong she just makes faces.

OP posts:

SharonasCorona · 15/06/2021 08:44

Op, it almost sounds like you're afraid of her or her moods?

I'm Asian too, I totally get the expectation to respect elders, etc but you don't sound very happy and your kids won't be happy either.

The more you post, the more it feels like this isn't about the gold as such, this is about an unhappy marriage and un-supportive an unloving DH.

What do you want out of life, ideally?

First thing - can you reduce visits to once a week and then gradually reduce to once every two weeks?

wherewildflowersgrow · 15/06/2021 09:39

I think you can't change her but you can change the situation by changing yourself. Focus on learning to ignore her faces and not let her use them to control you. It's hard to see how you can get your jewellery back as you have no support and have not mentioned leaving your husband. Also could you just go round or see her less?

aluvss · 15/06/2021 10:12

I'm asian too and i have my own jewellery. It is probably a control thing like you said and also she probably likes to keep the wealth to herself.

You need to ask her for the jewellery back, you need to tell her that it is your jewellery and you want to wear it and you will look after it from now on.

Your DH should be supporting you and asking for it behalf as well.

nevertrustaherdofcows · 15/06/2021 10:22

Next time there is a family wedding or party, wear plain clothes and no jewellery. Your in laws will hate it

Tell anyone who asks that MIL has taken all that stuff and you have no access to it.

Kazplus2 · 15/06/2021 10:24

Can you start reducing the amount of time you see her? Learn to say no as she clearly finds it easy to say no to you. Would tell her to give you the jewellery from your parents and that you would like them to see that it is being used as it was intended. Remind her that it is not hers to refuse. Acknowledge that you won't see anything that was gifted by her but tell her you accept that it was not a real gift. Asking as she knows you want it she has the power.take the power back and tell her to keep it.

IntermittentParps · 15/06/2021 11:00

I'd tell her you're calling the police about the jewellery as it's theft.

BSJohnson · 15/06/2021 11:01

What the last two people said, exactly.

BSJohnson · 15/06/2021 11:01

Or indeed last three now.

Aqsw · 15/06/2021 16:51

This is really sad op and thank you for sharing it with us. You are definitely not alone. I think you shouldn't care about what your Mil thinks anymore as it seems like she doesn't. About your jewellery... I still think that you need to try get the ones your parents gave you first. I have a feeling like your parents are abroad? Are they? Coz if they are it's very difficult for them to deal with Mil. I hope deep down they care about you but it's possible that they might be aware of or may have experienced your inlaws irrational behaviour.

You have got some fantastic ideas here. Personally I like the idea of making up an event, building it up and then getting some jewellery or outfits if you have any. I don't think anyone needs to tell you what to do regarding your Dh. It's sad that he doesn't see this as a problem, however in your position please take one thing at a time. I really hope things get better for you soon. Take care and please be kind to yourself op. You are not alone. xxxx

Original poster

Changednameforthis12 · 15/06/2021 18:40

@Aqsw thank you. No my parents are in this country. I don’t think they really care tbh. I’m the youngest daughter and they just want an easy life. I think with my first or second sister they would have gone in all guns blazing. They’ve never made it a secret that they wanted a son and I was always the “badoo” one (spare)

OP posts:

Original poster

Changednameforthis12 · 15/06/2021 18:54

My nickname at home before I was married was actually “badoo”. I think you all are right this goes go deeper than the gold. I’m not happy with husband. But as you all know what life will be like if I do leave. I will be isolated abs gave no where to go. My family will most likely turn their backs on me. It’s really painful living everyday like this. I do have a plan tho. When kids are a little older and when I’m more confident in myself I am going to leave.

OP posts:

7yo7yo · 15/06/2021 23:50

Op there are lots of asian woman support groups out there and I urge you to seek their help.
You are being abused by your husband and in laws. This is not legal. I think the gold is a red herring. Why are you seeing her 3 times a week? If you know where the gold is located, go and get it and take it home. Film it so you can prove you only took what was yours.
I’m sorry your family are shit.
Seriously make plans to leave your DH life is too short to put up with crap from him and his parents.
And like you have a nickname makes hers chorni. And if anyone asks why you call her that say she stole your gold.

EverythingRuined · 16/06/2021 08:01

OP, sorry if you have already mentioned this but do you work? Have you trained to do a job? It be good to have a means of eating your own money.

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