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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - asking for my jewellery

119 replies

Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 17:04

Name changed for this as spoken to people in RL about this so don’t want any links to previous posts.

Been married for 12 years and MIL has kept my jewellery given to me by my parents and also she has kept all the stuff she gave me too. I feel the stuff she gave me was just for show and photo opportunities for her as I have never to this day seen anything!

In past before Covid I asked to see my stuff so I could wear to weddings etc and she always fobbed me off. I spoke to her today and it was awkward but I made myself grow some balls and just do it!

She was miserable (more than usual) and told me no. I said to her when else will I ever wear this jewellery when I’m in my 50’s or 60’? Like when can I ever even see it. She was really angry with me and didn’t help that my kids were acting up so I had to cut the conversation short. She basically told me I can wear one of my family set and no I can’t wear hers as it’s more expensive. I’m being made to feel by DH I’m being unreasonable and the jewellery is not really mine but I find this difficult to understand as it was gifted to me on my wedding day!

They’re Asians btw so if anyone has any understanding of the culture it will help me understand.

I don’t want to give any more details as will stress me out that family will be reading this and figure out it’s me. Please advise. I’m so angry and DH is saying that I should just go and buy myself some jewellery but I don’t get why when I supposedly have all this jewellery why I should.

I know it’s Covid now but even 10 years ago I always felt the least dressed in their family when for weddings all the girls would dress up in their finest and I would always be plain Jane.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 14/06/2021 18:02

DH will never support me

Oh dear, that’s a problem

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 18:03

Sorry for typos in above post! Obviously not heels that’s autocorrect I meant jewels

OP posts:
fabulousathome · 14/06/2021 18:03

  1. Can you ask your parents to speak to MIL? Or is that not appropriate?

  2. Do you have a safe at home where you can keep it securely?

billy1966 · 14/06/2021 18:04

No advice but sympathy OP.

No wonder your marriage is so unhappy married to a weak man and an awful MIL.

I would say not to let it go, but I just can't imagine suchba scenario.
Flowers

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 18:04

Even now he just walked into the room and I tried to speak to him and his response was “well speak to her, why you telling me? It’s not my problem. You want it I don’t”

OP posts:
Ozanj · 14/06/2021 18:17

@Changednameforthis12

Even now he just walked into the room and I tried to speak to him and his response was “well speak to her, why you telling me? It’s not my problem. You want it I don’t”
Speak up then.
billy1966 · 14/06/2021 18:18

Then do it, don't let it go.

Ozanj · 14/06/2021 18:20

@Changednameforthis12

The stuff she gave me is definitely nicer and more expensive. To be honest the stuff my parents gave me is okay but not as nice. My parents have no money and DH family are very rich. Which makes it even more frustrating that she doesn’t give me anything.

I’m in 2 minds to either a) keep asking like I did today but then this causes high emotions in me such as I’m now sat here really upset and feel I have no support. Also causes issues between me and DH. We’re not very happy at the moment and I feel this is causing further issues.

OR 2) just accept she won’t give me anything till she dies so just to write it off till then and buy myself something so I don’t feel inferior and plain Jane at next family function/meet-up if there ever is one. I’ve never really bought jewellery. So no idea where to even go looking, no idea price range either or if I’ll get ripped off. I’ve never been much of a shopper

Don’t be silly of course you can buy jewellry. It’s not rocket science. Go and get recommendations of jewellers from friends and start looking. You can buy directly and certified gold online from Damas (Dubai equiv of De Beers for gold, most 22c ‘Indian gold’ comes from there) so compare prices to see what you can get.
Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 18:24

Thank you all. My confidence is rock bottom after all these years dealing with her abs an unloving abs unsupportive DH. I don’t trust myself to do anything right

OP posts:
gottakeeponmovin · 14/06/2021 18:27

Why don't your parents ring her and tell her they want you to have it

billy1966 · 14/06/2021 18:27

Have you thought of some counselling to help you?

AintPageantMaterial · 14/06/2021 18:30

What would she say if you said that your own parents have asked to see you in your jewellery?

PhillipPhillop · 14/06/2021 18:31

Come on op, the jewellery is the least of your problems.

lastcall · 14/06/2021 18:32

@SarahBellam

Tell her to give it to you or you’ll report her to the police for theft. It’s bizarre that she thinks she can take something that doesn’t belong to her.
This.

She's stolen your property.

RealMermaid · 14/06/2021 18:32

Make up some event on your side of the family and say your mum has specifically asked to see you in your wedding gift jewelry. Then when you get it, don't give it back.

Ozanj · 14/06/2021 18:33

Are you Hindu? Then why not offer to host a mataji or bhajan type event in your home when lockdown restrictions ease & ask your mil for advice arranging it. I bet she would want to invite everyone she knows to show them what a sanskari dil they have; she would definitely give you gold to wear then. Just keep it at yours.

DanaCScully · 14/06/2021 18:36

When you’re next at a occasion where you could have world your fancy jewellery ‘plant’ someone in earshot of your mil to ask why you’re not wearing your jewellery and then be honest in your response to shame your mother in law (maybe into giving it to you).

DanaCScully · 14/06/2021 18:36

Worn not world

BluebellsGreenbells · 14/06/2021 18:39

Can you send an email instead? Can your parents get involved?

Could your DH replace the jewellery if he’s not bothered to support you?

quizqueen · 14/06/2021 18:41

I expect she sees herself as the matriarch of the family in your culture so is in charge of everything. It will take a generation or two of living in the UK to let go of this notion. Jewellery is unimportant, keep your battles to fight over how you want your children to be brought up.

Cocomarine · 14/06/2021 18:43

It’s not your culture, so personally I wouldn’t waste your money on dripping gold at the next family wedding 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’d keep my money in cold hard cash - easier to pay a divorce lawyer in cash than gold.

She sounds wealthy and more like it’s a about deliberate control than deliberate theft.

If your husband is the higher earner in your family, tell him you want gold jewellery. Lots of it. Fuck the other stuff, get more. Stash it, really to sell for cash… for divorce lawyer.

Tvscreen · 14/06/2021 18:56

Oh OP. I’m sorry you are going through this. It is either a control thing or she’s just being stingy and bought the jewellery for show but is actually hoarding it for herself. It is likely she is also keeping the jewellery your mother gave you for this reason.

I think the only way you can force her into giving it to you is to basically shame her into doing it i.e. by telling an Aunty/one of her own in-laws/one of her close friends you would love to wear your wedding jewellery but she refuses to give it to you and you think she may have sold it on for herself etc. It’s not nice but sometimes people care more about what extended family/society think of them than close family so she’ll want to save face. This isn’t a nice option and is likely to piss her off no end but it is the only thing I can think of that will work.

Alternatively keep asking for it at family events in a really loud voice so everyone around you can hear.

This is more than just jewellery- this is about control. If you don’t want the hassle and your DH is willing to stump up the cash I would spend his money on buying something way more expensive and flashier and rubbing it in her face at the next family event. Best of luck!

1forAll74 · 14/06/2021 19:07

What would happen if you went to your MIL's house, and told her you wanted your jewellery right now. or as soon as possible, would there be a huge refusal, and big arguments to deal with.

Sh05 · 14/06/2021 19:19

As soon as I read the title I knew you'd be talking of an Asian background op.
I think you have to be a little more cunning about this. Leave the matter for now but in a few weeks time mention a wedding that you have been invited to. Build this up to discussing with her your outfit and what jewellery you'll be wearing. Then a week before the 'wedding' go to her house and get atleast one of your sets off her if not more.
I know you shouldn't have to but she is holding onto it as collateral so you're going to have to play the long game.

endofthelinefinally · 14/06/2021 19:24

Was it an arranged marriage OP?
I nursed a lovely girl whose MIL made her clean the whole house 3 days after being discharged from hospital after open heart surgery. They regarded her as a slave and her husband was useless. It was really shocking. I know lots of arranged marriages work well and I have several Indian friends, but I had never come across anything like this.
Your MIL probably regards the jewellery as hers.