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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - asking for my jewellery

119 replies

Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 17:04

Name changed for this as spoken to people in RL about this so don’t want any links to previous posts.

Been married for 12 years and MIL has kept my jewellery given to me by my parents and also she has kept all the stuff she gave me too. I feel the stuff she gave me was just for show and photo opportunities for her as I have never to this day seen anything!

In past before Covid I asked to see my stuff so I could wear to weddings etc and she always fobbed me off. I spoke to her today and it was awkward but I made myself grow some balls and just do it!

She was miserable (more than usual) and told me no. I said to her when else will I ever wear this jewellery when I’m in my 50’s or 60’? Like when can I ever even see it. She was really angry with me and didn’t help that my kids were acting up so I had to cut the conversation short. She basically told me I can wear one of my family set and no I can’t wear hers as it’s more expensive. I’m being made to feel by DH I’m being unreasonable and the jewellery is not really mine but I find this difficult to understand as it was gifted to me on my wedding day!

They’re Asians btw so if anyone has any understanding of the culture it will help me understand.

I don’t want to give any more details as will stress me out that family will be reading this and figure out it’s me. Please advise. I’m so angry and DH is saying that I should just go and buy myself some jewellery but I don’t get why when I supposedly have all this jewellery why I should.

I know it’s Covid now but even 10 years ago I always felt the least dressed in their family when for weddings all the girls would dress up in their finest and I would always be plain Jane.

OP posts:
SharonasCorona · 14/06/2021 19:35

OP, I’m Asian and was also given gold by in laws but it has always been kept with me and if MIL had tried to keep it my DH would have said no to her.

Whilst her fear of robberies is real (I got burgled pre-Covid and the burglars were only looking for jewellery and cash in bedroom drawers, nothing else was touched). Thankfully I’d put all my gold in a safety deposit box.

Could you tell MIL that you’ve rented your own safety deposit box and want to keep your gold there?

Or, when is the next function? Tell her you need it all the week before to plan your outfit.

Finally, could she have an idea that you and DH are not happy and is hanging to it in case you divorce? Not that she should take it back as it was a gift to you, but this.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 14/06/2021 19:41

Had she sold it??

sausagerole · 14/06/2021 19:41

In-law issues are tricky enough even with a supportive partner, which it doesn't sound like your DH is.

If the jewellery has sentimental value due to it being given to you by your parents, I'd ask them to speak to your MIL and ask that it be given to you. If it's not sentimental and it's just the principle, be kind to yourself and stop making yourself vulnerable to people who aren't kind and supportive to you (your DH and MIL).

It sounds like your DH can afford to buy you some new jewellery. If he's not supportive over the issue with your MIL, maybe he can pay for something else. Can you go shopping with your mum, or choose some bits with her online?

Hanab · 14/06/2021 19:44

Are you sure she has not sold it? Or given it to her daughters? I would demand the jewellery your parents gave you to be handed back to you. You can tell your husband this is you asking nicely you will involve authorities if you are fobbed off again .. this is gold jewellery its valuable .. get it back .. it is yours!

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 14/06/2021 19:44

Are you white ? Or Asian? I couldn't poke up with this !

LagunaBubbles · 14/06/2021 19:49

DH will never support me

You have bigger problems sadly than jewellery then.Sad

IntoAir · 14/06/2021 19:53

If my in-laws stole jewellery given me by my own parents, I'd be - well, threatening legal action.

Your DH is being an arse about this.

Theunamedcat · 14/06/2021 19:56

Tell her you want it so you can get it appraised for insurance purposes

NameChangeAgain2 · 14/06/2021 19:59

I would forget about the jewelry and worry about the DH. Your marriage sounds miserable. Do you want to be with him?

lunar1 · 14/06/2021 20:03

My in-laws are Indian. When they flew over for our wedding I was given family jewellery from them and many other family members who couldn't come. Every piece of it is in my possession.

They are a traditional Hindu family and have treated me with nothing but kindness over the years.

Buy your own jewellery, I know it won't feel the same, passing on gold is a big family right of passage, but it will sparkle and will make you feel better at functions.

If anyone asks about where is came from tell them where you bought it, add in that you think your MIL may have had to pawn the family gold (probably secret gambling debts).

Lora918 · 14/06/2021 20:03

@Tvscreen

Oh OP. I’m sorry you are going through this. It is either a control thing or she’s just being stingy and bought the jewellery for show but is actually hoarding it for herself. It is likely she is also keeping the jewellery your mother gave you for this reason.

I think the only way you can force her into giving it to you is to basically shame her into doing it i.e. by telling an Aunty/one of her own in-laws/one of her close friends you would love to wear your wedding jewellery but she refuses to give it to you and you think she may have sold it on for herself etc. It’s not nice but sometimes people care more about what extended family/society think of them than close family so she’ll want to save face. This isn’t a nice option and is likely to piss her off no end but it is the only thing I can think of that will work.

Alternatively keep asking for it at family events in a really loud voice so everyone around you can hear.

This is more than just jewellery- this is about control. If you don’t want the hassle and your DH is willing to stump up the cash I would spend his money on buying something way more expensive and flashier and rubbing it in her face at the next family event. Best of luck!

Exactly this! Esp the last part
jakeyboy1 · 14/06/2021 20:12

Or try the opposite buy some loud costume jewellery to annoy her.

SharonasCorona · 14/06/2021 20:13

@huuuuunnnndderrricks

Are you white ? Or Asian? I couldn't poke up with this !
Does it matter?
huuuuunnnndderrricks · 14/06/2021 20:16

I'm trying to understand wether it's because the OP is a different race to the mil ... I would just ask her , wondering if there is a reason she is so cautious if MIL so yeah it is relevant.

sunnypeaches · 14/06/2021 20:17

My in laws are asian and gave me very expensive jewellery for my wedding and again sometimes for special occasions.
They never asked to keep it for me though?

I think i would sneakily ask for it back piece by piece. Say you need it for an event.

DH also cant stand up to his parents. But then again, i dont need him to do that for me. I stand up for myself. And he can get pushed around by them if he wants.
You just need to be very clear with them. It took a while, but my in laws are now not shocked anymore when im “rude” to them.
I dont think they liked me a lot at the beginning Grin but we actually get along really well now.

katy1213 · 14/06/2021 20:17

Has she sold it?
You could demand its return with a solicitor's letter - and to hell with 'the culture', might be her culture but it doesn't have to be yours!

oopsyydaisyy · 14/06/2021 20:25

@huuuuunnnndderrricks

Are you white ? Or Asian? I couldn't poke up with this !
why?
Ozanj · 14/06/2021 20:28

Of course she wouldn’t have sold it. That would go against cultural expectations. She probably is just looking after it and doesn’t see the need for OP to be wearing expensive jewellry outside of specific situations. But she needs to understand that isn’t her decision to make. I would suggest you just buy jewellry; and when wedding season starts after June if anyone in the extended family comments on it then tell them you bought it yourself. If they ask why you’re not wearing the jewellry they gave you tell them mil refuses to give it to you. You need to start standing up for yourself in socially acceptable ways for South Asians - and in no South Asian cultures are native dil’s expected to be polite. Politeness is only a trait encouraged within the UK and US born South Asian communities because Indian relatives believe we are sluts / rude and so our parents try to force us into a specific mould so we can marry ‘a good’ South Asian man. Confused

oopsyydaisyy · 14/06/2021 20:29

its not a "normal" cultural thing, shes being a control freak the cow. Don't ask her, tell her. it's yours. tell ur parents to speak for u if u can't. I bet its gold. I know this happens in some families but know that isn't normal! don't put up with it.

Aqsw · 14/06/2021 20:29

Such fantastic idea about safety deposit box. Can you pm me a few options or suggestions of any in uk? I do intend to buy some jewellery but was delaying as was worried about theft.

SharonasCorona · 14/06/2021 20:30

I think buying other / costume jewellery is risky as it’s possible MIL will just say ‘see, you’ve got things to wear, it’s fine.’

It will be much more embarrassing for MIL if OP turns up wearing no jewellery at all.

oopsyydaisyy · 14/06/2021 20:31

"She probably is just looking after it and doesn’t see the need for OP to be wearing expensive jewellry outside of specific situations*"
*
if thats her reasoning, shes one hell of a mad cow for thinking this way.

Ozanj · 14/06/2021 20:32

@endofthelinefinally

Was it an arranged marriage OP? I nursed a lovely girl whose MIL made her clean the whole house 3 days after being discharged from hospital after open heart surgery. They regarded her as a slave and her husband was useless. It was really shocking. I know lots of arranged marriages work well and I have several Indian friends, but I had never come across anything like this. Your MIL probably regards the jewellery as hers.
That could be out of care not because they treat her like a slave. The principles of Ayurvedic / Chinese medicine is that people should get up and moving about immediately after illness / childbirth or surgery (it actually works for a lot of types of illness but of course not all) & for women cleaning is probably the only socially respectable way to do this.
SharonasCorona · 14/06/2021 20:33

@Aqsw

Such fantastic idea about safety deposit box. Can you pm me a few options or suggestions of any in uk? I do intend to buy some jewellery but was delaying as was worried about theft.
Whereabouts are you? I use Metropolitan Safety Deposit boxes. It’s been great, it costs me £90 pa for a small box. There is a deposit payable for the key so I keep that safe.

www.metrosafe.co.uk/

SharonasCorona · 14/06/2021 20:35

They also insure the jewellery while it’s in the box (up to £10k)