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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - asking for my jewellery

119 replies

Changednameforthis12 · 14/06/2021 17:04

Name changed for this as spoken to people in RL about this so don’t want any links to previous posts.

Been married for 12 years and MIL has kept my jewellery given to me by my parents and also she has kept all the stuff she gave me too. I feel the stuff she gave me was just for show and photo opportunities for her as I have never to this day seen anything!

In past before Covid I asked to see my stuff so I could wear to weddings etc and she always fobbed me off. I spoke to her today and it was awkward but I made myself grow some balls and just do it!

She was miserable (more than usual) and told me no. I said to her when else will I ever wear this jewellery when I’m in my 50’s or 60’? Like when can I ever even see it. She was really angry with me and didn’t help that my kids were acting up so I had to cut the conversation short. She basically told me I can wear one of my family set and no I can’t wear hers as it’s more expensive. I’m being made to feel by DH I’m being unreasonable and the jewellery is not really mine but I find this difficult to understand as it was gifted to me on my wedding day!

They’re Asians btw so if anyone has any understanding of the culture it will help me understand.

I don’t want to give any more details as will stress me out that family will be reading this and figure out it’s me. Please advise. I’m so angry and DH is saying that I should just go and buy myself some jewellery but I don’t get why when I supposedly have all this jewellery why I should.

I know it’s Covid now but even 10 years ago I always felt the least dressed in their family when for weddings all the girls would dress up in their finest and I would always be plain Jane.

OP posts:
Ozanj · 14/06/2021 20:35

@Aqsw

Such fantastic idea about safety deposit box. Can you pm me a few options or suggestions of any in uk? I do intend to buy some jewellery but was delaying as was worried about theft.
Metro bank are the only bank in the UK that still does this. Otherwise you need to contact safety deposit box companies and I wouldn’t do that - if they do out of business you don’t get the same protection for your belongings. Does she go to India / Pakistan / Bangladesh a lot? It’s a bit of a reach but She might have put it into a box there which might be why she doesn’t give it to you.
Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 14/06/2021 20:36

I just Googled safe deposit boxes OP, try this:

www.lovemoney.com/news/76532/safe-deposit-boxes-uk-metro-bank-how-to-get-one-costs-size-vaults-security

SharonasCorona · 14/06/2021 20:41

@Ozanj

Metro bank are the only bank in the UK that still does this. Otherwise you need to contact safety deposit box companies and I wouldn’t do that - if they do out of business you don’t get the same protection for your belongings. Does she go to India / Pakistan / Bangladesh a lot? It’s a bit of a reach but She might have put it into a box there which might be why she doesn’t give it to you.

That’s not true, the Halifax have safety deposit boxes (in London anyway). They offered me one, I’m sure other banks have them too.

Ozanj · 14/06/2021 20:45

@SharonasCorona - they only do it for new customers in one specific London branch. That’s it.

SharonasCorona · 14/06/2021 20:55

Lloyds banks offer them too. Saying no banks offer them is not true.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 14/06/2021 20:58

How about the State Bank of India - sbiuk.statebank/safe-deposit-locker

EverythingRuined · 14/06/2021 20:59

I think it sounds like it's your husband who is the biggest problem. He doesn't sound very nice. How old are you both?

OP
".... just accept she won’t give me anything till she dies so just to write it off till then and buy myself something so I don’t feel inferior and plain Jane at next family function/meet-up if there ever is one"

I think not worrying about it is a valid choice but buying jewellery so that you don't feel 'inferior' is a silly idea. Buy jewellery if you want to buy it but don't buy it to try and impress people.

Brefugee · 14/06/2021 21:03

can you say to your DH that unless you get all the jewellery, especially that from your parents but also the things that MIL gave you, you are going to buy equivalent jewellery to wear?

endofthelinefinally · 14/06/2021 21:15

Ozanj
It really wasn't. They were horrible to her and she was miserable. Cleaning windows is not great for someone who has had a thoracotomy.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 14/06/2021 21:45

@oopsyydaisyy replied further up thread . Trying to work out the reasons why she can't just say give it back .. please don't make it into something it isn't !

hotclothbuns · 14/06/2021 22:10

If the jewellery wasn't part of your 'formal' dowry, then it sounds likely she was doing it for show. She either would have wanted you and your family to think she was generous/rich/amazing or wanted to show off to her friends how much more she could afford to buy her dil to be then they could. It sounds like she never wanted to give you the jewellery and is making excuses to keep your hands off it. If it was part of your formal dowry then depending on your religion (if you have one) it could be going against religious law to not allow you access to the items. I have come across jewellery/money issues from time to time with Asian families, concerning but what rings massive alarm bells for me is her keeping your outfits and you having to ask her every time you want to wear one. I have no words for that apart from it needs to stop, and it sounds like abusive behaviour and I am so sorry you're going through this.

starfishmummy · 14/06/2021 22:20

@huuuuunnnndderrricks

Had she sold it??
This was my first thought too.
Duchess379 · 14/06/2021 22:22

I guessed your were Asian before I got to the end. Seeing as hubby won't stand up to his mum, is it not possible for your parents to intervene? They gave you the jewellery, not your MIL.
She's being totally unreasonable.
Let us know how you get on x

Ozanj · 14/06/2021 22:23

@SharonasCorona

Lloyds banks offer them too. Saying no banks offer them is not true.
At a single branch in Manchester with a waiting list that amounts to years. I dare you to actually find a box. I am an Indian with £40k of gold and silver jewellry some of the items are irreplaceable and I regularly shop around for safety deposit boxes and safekeeping services every year including Indian / Pakistani / Bangladeshi banks based in the UK. There is nothing actually available it’s all a sales pitch to entice south asian customers.
Ozanj · 14/06/2021 22:25

Nothing actually available except Metro

oopsyydaisyy · 14/06/2021 23:02

[quote huuuuunnnndderrricks]@oopsyydaisyy replied further up thread . Trying to work out the reasons why she can't just say give it back .. please don't make it into something it isn't ! [/quote]
how does her ethnicity have anything to do with her asking for her belongings back? Or are people from some ethnicities less likely to speak up for themselves? If so, where did you get this information?

CarnationCat · 14/06/2021 23:14

This sounds really isolating for you.

Your DH is very unreasonable. I couldn't live with such a lack of support. He knows how unhappy what his mum is doing is making you and he won't help. That is not a loving marriage.

Your options are to suck it up and as you say, accept that you may never see any of this jewellery. Or the other option is to one last time, ask your DH for support especially support on this issue and if he doesn't give it, seriously consider the future of your marriage.

7yo7yo · 15/06/2021 00:12

Do you live with them?
Maybe it’s time to call your parents over for a family meeting and ask why she won’t give you your gold.
Your DH is never going to change, they have never cut the cord and never will.
You know it’s ok to be the bad dil? The doormats never get respect and the “bad” ones are feared, respected and secretly admired in equal measure.
Start calling her chorni (thief), stop giving a shit. Your marriage doesn’t sound great so
Have you got much to lose?

Moelwynbach · 15/06/2021 01:12

Was it a dowry OP?

Yellownotblue · 15/06/2021 01:53

Do you think the reason she is not handing your jewellery to you, is that she knows your marriage is not a happy one? Does she think you might want to sell it and take the money and leave your husband?

Either way, that does not justify what she is doing. I married into an Asian family and my DMIL handed me all the jewellery. We do have it in a safe deposit box though. Metro bank is a good option, or the jewellers vaults if you are in London.

Your marriage does not sound like a happy one. Please think about your options. You only live once...

💐

Anordinarymum · 15/06/2021 02:01

Honestly... let her keep it. She knows she has a hold over you because she has something you value and want.
Write it off and buy your own.
Your husband sounds like a dick to me.

FlowerArranger · 15/06/2021 02:04

My confidence is rock bottom after all these years dealing with her and an unloving and unsupportive DH. I don’t trust myself to do anything right

Here are my suggestions for the 'right' thing to do:

1 take up his offer and buy some expensive jewellery
2 ask your parents to get MIL to return the jewellery they gifted you
3 get your ducks in a row (savings, investments, salary slips, pensions etc)
4 consult a SHL for advice
5 file for divorce
6 live happily ever after...

7yo7yo · 15/06/2021 02:39

@Anordinarymum it is her own. They won’t return the jewellery her parents gave her.

Anordinarymum · 15/06/2021 02:42

[quote 7yo7yo]@Anordinarymum it is her own. They won’t return the jewellery her parents gave her.[/quote]
Yes, I realise that. Sometimes it's better to walk away and write things off when a situation is impossible to resolve.

Sceptre86 · 15/06/2021 03:19

People have asked if op is asian because the mil would be less likely to withold jewellery or asian clothes for a dil belonging to her own culture. She would need to wear the clothes at parties or depending on the style daily.

I'm asian and have a lot of jewellery given to me by my parents. I lived with my inlaws but it was never in their possession, neither were the pieces they gave to me. Not all in laws are controlling, or all dil's downtrodden!

If relations with your dh aren't great then maybe she doesn't want to give it to you incase you get divorced? Not saying that is right of course, it isn't. I would outright ask for the jewellery your parents gave you and say your parents have complained that you don't wear it enough so you are going to make a conscious effort to wear it. Stick to this mantra every time she comes up with an excuse.

Once you have it back in your possession, ditch the dh. Life is too short to stand by a man who doesn't have your back!