DD's friend not welcome - AIBU

[NamechangedGamechanged12]

my DD (14) has a best friend at school (same age). This girl has been suspended for her behaviour (just recently returned) She takes hard drugs at the weekends, she has had numerous sexual partners, she disappears for weekends and tells her parents she is at a friends when she's not. The teachers have even warned my DD about hanging out with her. I am not happy about my DD hanging out with her but there's nothing I can do about it at school. However I have made it clear she is not allowed to hang out with her outwith school and she is not welcome in my home. My DD thinks this is unfair as I should trust her not to do these things. I do trust her but I just don't like this girl as I know what she gets up to. If it were you in my situation would you allow them to hang out outwith school? I'm torn as my DD is upset that she can't but then she retaliates and screams and shouts at me! WWYD?

So your DD will lie to you and tell you she is with Jane when she wants to see Mary and you won’t know where she is, what’s she’s doing and if she needs you she can’t call because she’ll be in trouble for lying. Maybe you need to rethink your approach here.

@UhtredRagnarson and the same might happen if I break her trust and go to the school about it! My daughter trusts me which is why I was hesitant to act in the information. But she certainly knows she can call me in any situation and I will be there. I was the one she called when she was stranded in another city and she knew she shouldn't be there (see PP) And that's why I posted here for advice on what to do

@NamechangedGamechanged12 you would think the school would have contacted the parents or social services to get the child help

I just think you can't ignore the massive issues with this child. Sometimes you have to do the right thing even if it's hard.
This girl makes me think of county lines drug trafficking.

[quote NamechangedGamechanged12]@UhtredRagnarson and the same might happen if I break her trust and go to the school about it! My daughter trusts me which is why I was hesitant to act in the information. But she certainly knows she can call me in any situation and I will be there. I was the one she called when she was stranded in another city and she knew she shouldn't be there (see PP) And that's why I posted here for advice on what to do[/quote]
But you said she's posting about this stuff all over Instagram. If that's the case, then it could be anyone she knows who sees it and reports it to the authorities. And by the way, it is not unknown for drug dealers to ask for payment by methods other than financial. She could be being abused by them too.

@Scutterbug

My motto was always “kill them with kindness”. Invite her to your home, let them hang out where you can supervise. Banning here from seeing her might push her to do it secretly and in more vulnerable ways.

Agree with this

No don’t allow it.
I had a friend like this at school, and I did things I never would have done just because I felt I had too.
Keep her busy at weekends and holidays, have her unavailable to the friend as much as possible.

* No I wouldn't. I'm a teacher and I have lost count of the times I have seen children change and become troubled and in trouble after hanging around with the wrong people. I would not invite her round or facilitate the relationship at all.*

^i agree with this. I would no encourage this friendship whatsoever. Especially as this girl used to bully your daughter.

Children can and regularly do get led astray by peers who are behaving badly, peer pressure is incredibly strong and teens are drawn to those who appear to be "winning" the power struggle with parents/adults.

While it's very sad that this girl appears to be struggling, your first responsibility is your daughter. I absolutely would not be having her over and to be honest I'd be asking school to separate them where possible.

My motto was always “kill them with kindness”. Invite her to your home, let them hang out where you can supervise. Banning here from seeing her might push her to do it secretly and in more vulnerable ways.

My parents did this with an "unsuitable" boyfriend of my sister. It didn't work in the slightest, both teens simply perceived it that they had "won" and that the relationship was condoned and the situation got far worse. It only ended when parents decided to forbid it, and asked school to help discourage it.

For a 14 year old to have multiple sexual partners there is something wrong, even if those partners are her age group. Either she has mental health/self esteem issues, or she has an abusive home life, or a victim of child sexual exploitation. The perpetrators don’t have to be older. If the sexual partners are not her age group then she is more likely to be being abused/exploited.

Sounds quite possible to me that she has undiagnosed adhd. It's an absolute travesty the number of girls who go undiagnosed.

Adhd in girls leads to self loathing which very often (if untreated) leads to eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, drug usage, and dangerous impulsive behaviour.

As many others have pointed out its possible there's abuse too.
Please get this girl some help. She deserves to know that there are external reasons, that are not her fault, for her self sabotage.

Surely this thread is not about the girl. It is about OPs daughter, who is her first priority.

There are teachers, social workers, her own parents available to help this girl. It does not have to be OPs responsibility to prioritise the needs of a badly behaved girl over her own daughter.

Surely op can prioritise her dd and also step up to report what's going on with her friend! It's not an either or situation.

I mean in the context of the suggestions to allow the girl into their home in order to provide her with support/stability. Imho that would be prioritising the girl over OP's DD.

Of course report to school, appropriate support workers etc who can try and help her, but helping this girl access support doesn't have to include OP allowing her DD to spend time with her.

Thank you for all the replies, I have read every one of them and I have decided to take action to contact the school in the first instance to see where that gets me. After reading the replies and being able to see it from different POV I do think the girl needs help and her parents for whatever reason aren't stepping up, and if it was my daughter I would want someone to step in and help her. I'm still not sold in the idea of welcoming her into my home, but maybe once she sorts herself out I'd be more open to the idea. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

Good on you, OP. Thanks for reaching out to help her.

I had a friend like that, nobody liked her, she was bullied and I was asked why I was her friend, but I still hung around with her, her behaviour didn't reflect me and I certainly didn't copy her, she killed herself a year after school. Life got to much for her.

Moral of story is don't judge people as you don't know the hell they are going through. Hard drugs and sex with strangers and so young? My guess is somethings happening and your daughter may well be her only friend in the world. Because her life is going only 2 ways at the moment.

OP I think that’s the right approach. She needs help and for someone to notice that something is going wrong in her life but you can protect your own daughter in the meantime. Good luck

[quote NamechangedGamechanged12]@LittleGwyneth I told her she needed to go to the doctors re the morning after pill. It's not my place to buy her condoms to facilitate her having underage sex. Can you imagine what her parents would think of me if they found out!! [/quote]
But she didn't need to go to the doctor? She could have bought it over the counter or online.

If a close female adult gave my child condoms I'd be upset that they didn't feel that they could come to me, but enormously relieved that someone cared enough to help. My parents kept condoms in the bathroom from our early teens and gave them out in party bags when we were over 16. Not having a condom makes things less safe - not safer.

That's good to hear OP.

My friend allowed her 14 year old son and his 13 year old girlfriend to sleep together at her house for four years. It's done untold damage.

I'm just cautioning against the old "keep them where you can see them' idea. It doesn't always work.

@NamechangedGamechanged12

Thank you for all the replies, I have read every one of them and I have decided to take action to contact the school in the first instance to see where that gets me. After reading the replies and being able to see it from different POV I do think the girl needs help and her parents for whatever reason aren't stepping up, and if it was my daughter I would want someone to step in and help her. I'm still not sold in the idea of welcoming her into my home, but maybe once she sorts herself out I'd be more open to the idea. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

Well done OP, that's really good to hear.

Well done, OP.
Nobody expects you to do more than hand it over to people who will know how to deal with it. I'm deputy safeguarding lead and a call like

Oops...a call like yours would in any case be beyond our remit and would have to go up the line.