DD's friend not welcome - AIBU

[NamechangedGamechanged12]

my DD (14) has a best friend at school (same age). This girl has been suspended for her behaviour (just recently returned) She takes hard drugs at the weekends, she has had numerous sexual partners, she disappears for weekends and tells her parents she is at a friends when she's not. The teachers have even warned my DD about hanging out with her. I am not happy about my DD hanging out with her but there's nothing I can do about it at school. However I have made it clear she is not allowed to hang out with her outwith school and she is not welcome in my home. My DD thinks this is unfair as I should trust her not to do these things. I do trust her but I just don't like this girl as I know what she gets up to. If it were you in my situation would you allow them to hang out outwith school? I'm torn as my DD is upset that she can't but then she retaliates and screams and shouts at me! WWYD?

Anonymous call, letter or email to the school with all the details that you know.

I could not sleep straight in my bed at night knowing I was complicit to the abuse of a child because I chose to do nothing.

@Looubylou thank you, you've hit the nail on the head.

You can try and keep your DD safe which is great for her, but what about this poor girl who it appears no one cares about and is clearly heading for a life of hell? Please be the one adult who stepped up and acted on her behalf.

She's 14. She's being abused.

A 14 year old may think they are very grown up, may say all sorts of stupid things. They are not grown up enough to not need protection, boundaries and - from the sounds of it - help.

I'm not suggesting you have to help her. But at least please get her in touch with someone who can.

• I mean, you are perfectly at liberty to ban your DD from seeing her, ban her from the house, etc, make sure your daughter is safe and not put at risk. But the other girl's safety is, or can be, a separate issue.

Chidlren's safety and wellbeing is everyone's responsibility. If she trusts you enough to ask you for help then I would gently suggest you have the opportunity to actually make a difference, here.

Kids can forgive each other. It's a capacity I wish adults admired & wanted to emulate (re bullying history).

Technically It's not OP's problem but I sure hope someone helps the kid out. Banning, Running a mile is not kindness.

I don't know how you can say you didn't know what to do. You clearly know this behaviour isn't appropriate because you don't want it for your DD but you've as good as turned a blind eye to it when it comes to this girl's safety. I don't understand how in this day and age you wouldn't think to report it to the school as a minimum.

I hope now you've been told a hundred times on this thread you do the responsible and correct thing by this girl. If you don't intervene she could end up dead at worst and scarred for life at best. If you don't help she'll look back as an adult and wonder why you didn't.

@cansu

No I wouldn't. I'm a teacher and I have lost count of the times I have seen children change and become troubled and in trouble after hanging around with the wrong people. I would not invite her round or facilitate the relationship at all.

With that sort of attitude I’m surprised you actually are a teacher! What exactly does ‘wrong people’ mean? Were talking about a child here, who most likely has a shit life.

Poor girl, this sounds like Rochdale. I wouldn’t allow my daughter to go anywhere with her, but like everyone else has said, report,report, report. She urgently needs help.

Seems lots of people, especially the OP, have forgotten about the Rochdale sexual grooming. That social worker faced an uphill battle trying to convince the other authorities that those girls were not bad people and needed to be protected. From the looks of this thread not much has changed.

She's a fucking child. This needs to be reported to social services. 'She likes male attention' FFS.

@Graphista

I'm shocked at the vilification of a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD KID inc by a pp claiming to be a TEACHER! Shame on you

@WorraLiberty it speaks to the posters attitude towards ABUSED CHILDREN

This kid clearly needs HELP.

I'm not saying it needs to be op and her dd that provides that help but I would be expecting the school and authorities to be doing a damn sight more!

Op you say you know the parents but they are barely acquaintances from a long time ago, you've no idea what's going on in that home for her to act this way.

Seems clear to me she is/has been groomed/abused in a number of ways and is desperately in need of SOMEONE to recognise she is still a kid and deserves intervention and support

Have we learned NOTHING from Rochdale etc?

It's unlikely you can prevent totally your dd from being friends with this girl anyway so yes I understand the need to protect dd but yes I would have the child come to your home but with strict conditions you discuss with them both. NO bad behaviour, NO drugs on the premises etc

Or is that just local gossip and rumours?

Yea I'm wondering this too - just as the Rochdale victims were demonised!

Said girl also messaged me a few weeks ago to ask me to buy her the morning after pill and another time asked me to buy condoms for her (it's was a no both times)

Did you even consider signposting her to appropriate services?

Btw people thought MY parents were "good people" "salt of the earth" "pillar of the community" I was being abused!

I didn't behave as this girl did I went the other way and was little miss goody two shoes - to avoid drawing attention to myself. My sister was the one "went off the rails" and while I'm nc with her now, her behaviour then was NOT her fault and people should have realised and intervened.

Sickens me this attitude prevails

The child needs help (assuming this is all true and not just gossip!)

This 100%

I am utterly depressed reading some of the comments & attitudes here about a child, and clearly a very vulnerable child. If she's asking for the MaP & condoms from a random adult, what she's actually asking for is help. Poor, poor girl.

Ugh. I was that girl. My parents were wonderful in many ways and model Christians. But dark secrets of abusive church individuals, an abusive grandparent and then an individual who groomed and subjected me to child sexual exploitation.

Teachers did nothing. Police did nothing. Social services did nothing. My friends abandoned me. I just needed someone, anyone to see that the situation was bad and that no 14 yr old acts that way. Get involved for goodness sake. The school. Her parents. What is happening here is illegal. And she will suffer.

I have complex ptsd and have been in therapy for the best part of ten years.

Her parents are either stupid, naive, or don't give a shit.

Or are actively abusive themselves

It isn't what happy kids who feel safe, loved and full of confidence do.

Exactly

I didn't say she was being groomed or abused

No but WE recognised she is - you and many others in this girls life SHOULD have

She is having consensual underage sex

That's a contradiction! She CANNOT consent because she is underage!

It does make me think it's maybe because she's not getting the attention at home

Or she's getting the wrong kind - just as I was

Promiscuous self sabotaging behaviour is VERY common in victims of csa

The girl knows her own mind.

No she doesn't, she can't cos she is a CHILD!

by whom? Her 15 year old boyfriends?

YES why do you think a 15 year old boy - who may be almost 16 and who most definitely is physically bigger and stronger than her can't be abusing her?!

Log and report to everyone from school to police and tell them that if nothing is properly looked into you will contact your local MP

Excellent advice - this child is being failed by ALL the adults around her

I'm struggling to believe any adult would need this pointing out to them.

Unfortunately what we are seeing from some posters on this thread is that if a victim is "unsympathetic" in their victimhood then adults who should know better will blame the victim!

This is how the grooming gangs get away with this shit!

To be fair some teens are just bloody badly behaved

I've yet to meet a teen who's "very badly behaved" who hasn't experienced some kind of trauma. Not always abuse, sometimes loss of a parent while young, sometimes a serious childhood illness or disability factors in but there's always a reason.

Like a previous poster I'm afraid I'd be thinking county lines with a good long bus journey to another town involved. Personally, I'd make her feel welcome at my home, and encourage them both to be open with me about what they're getting up to, putting clear guidelines in place about where they go, and what they do. Also agree with advice from other posters that at minimum the OP should get the school and even police involved, mentioning the possibility of county lines.

This is misogyny plain and simple. The same bullshit that allowed grooming gangs to prey on girls in Rochester for years.

You are putting adult motivations onto a child and judging her for her "lifestyle" rather than giving a shit about why a child takes drugs and has multiple sexual partners.

I was the 'friend' I had a terrible home life. Whenever I went to someone's house and the parents were actually nice to me I would lap it up and be very polite. I didn't drag anyone down with me. My self sabotage was reserved for me only.

I turned my life around fwiw and am nc with my evil parents now doing my masters now in my 30's and no one would ever know what a wild childhood I had I'm so straight laced now! I would have them round. Better to know what they're up to and check out the friend. If they're as bad as you imagined at least you can point out to your dd why with examples. Ban the friendship and I doubt very much that will deter your dd.

So glad that we learnt the lessons from the Rotherham grooming gangs

And in terms of what you should, contact the police, social services, school safeguarding lead, school safeguarding governor, LADO, scream it from the bloody rooftops! Step up and protect this girl in the way you would hope someone would do for your daughter

@ChristmasFluff

Seems lots of people, especially the OP, have forgotten about the Rochdale sexual grooming. That social worker faced an uphill battle trying to convince the other authorities that those girls were not bad people and needed to be protected. From the looks of this thread not much has changed.

She's a fucking child. This needs to be reported to social services. 'She likes male attention' FFS.

This in buckets!

WTF is consensual underage sex?! Even if she agrees to sex, in the eyes of the law she is unable to consent. She may think it's what she wants but she doesn't. I really hope you decide to report this to someone, even anonymously. It could easily get so much worse for her if she continues down this path.

Chips, and anyone else on the thread affected by abuse. My heart really aches for girls, sometimes.

Another one thinking county lines involvement. I'm horrified at some of these responses. So much internalised misogyny on here. It's utterly depressing.

Seems like a bit of a drip feed.
First post I would say invite her round, help her and support her.
Second post about knowing the parents makes me wonder if you’re ignoring bad parenting or issues occurring because you’re friends with them.
Third post I’d ask daughter why she wants to hang around with a bully and try to steer her to people who actually care about her.

@Sunnyjac thank you, you're right

NamechangedGamechanged12
We all have to stand up and fight for all our girls. Be her fighter