DD's friend not welcome - AIBU

[NamechangedGamechanged12]

my DD (14) has a best friend at school (same age). This girl has been suspended for her behaviour (just recently returned) She takes hard drugs at the weekends, she has had numerous sexual partners, she disappears for weekends and tells her parents she is at a friends when she's not. The teachers have even warned my DD about hanging out with her. I am not happy about my DD hanging out with her but there's nothing I can do about it at school. However I have made it clear she is not allowed to hang out with her outwith school and she is not welcome in my home. My DD thinks this is unfair as I should trust her not to do these things. I do trust her but I just don't like this girl as I know what she gets up to. If it were you in my situation would you allow them to hang out outwith school? I'm torn as my DD is upset that she can't but then she retaliates and screams and shouts at me! WWYD?

You have no idea what is going on in her mind/life that means she is 'agreeing' to sex OP. You cannot say it is consensual at all.

That poor poor girl. I hope someone gets her the help that she needs,seeing as she's surrounded by adults that do sweet FA.

I'm genuinely amazed at how you've done fuck all to help this girl. It's mind-boggling.

@5475878237NC I understand but she quite happily tells everyone in school about it and seems really happy to have the male attention. It does make me think it's maybe because she's not getting the attention at home

@Zenithal I don't /didn't know what to do!! The girl knows her own mind. She wants to take drugs and have sex. She dogs school, she smokes, she was suspended from school for swearing at a teacher. I believe the school know a lot about what's going on as the kids tell the teachers.

This is wrong very very wrong, but I think there's a difference between what the child tells her school friends to what's actually happening

[quote NamechangedGamechanged12]@Geamhradh I didn't say she was being groomed or abused. She is having consensual underage sex. I'm not here to slag her off at all, I came here because I don't know what to do about the situation. Part of me doesn't want to get involved but it's pretty clear from the responses that's not the right answer and I should be contacting the school. Thanks all for the input, it's made things a lot clearer.[/quote]
She's 14. She's being abused.

As a child who had totally normal parents who were good people, seemingly to those who had known them since they were young, I can assure you that doesn't mean that one of them wasn't heavily mentally abusive towards me behind closed doors.

Not everything is as it seems OP.

[quote NamechangedGamechanged12]@Mummyoflittledragon if I thought an adult purchased condoms for my 14 yo DD I'd be furious. It's not my place. I told her to go to the chemist or the doctors or her own mum![/quote]
Obviously it isn’t your place. I said my post directly above, as many have also said that the most important thing is to safeguard this child.

She is screaming out for boundaries. I don’t understand why you haven’t already reported her behaviour to the school, SS and as someone else mentioned, the police.

Instead of this, you are centring on the effect her behaviour has on you eg buying or not buying her condoms. This isn’t about you. This is about a child, who needs urgent intervention.

She is a chat who is being abused, I don't get why you can't see this, Op.

@Geamhradh by whom? Her 15 year old boyfriends?

Log and report to everyone from school to police and tell them that if nothing is properly looked into you will contact your local MP

LoudestCat14
As worraliberty has pointed out, I am talking about what I would do as a parent if this child was a friend of my daughter. As a teacher I would of course follow safeguarding procedures. As a parent, if my dd told me her friends was involved in dangerous behaviour, I would also report to social services. This does not mean that I have to invite the child round to my house or encourage a friendship with my daughter.

I highly doubt the kids are actually telling the teachers. They'd get called snitches and bullied relentlessly.

And as for you knowing the parents are decent people... you know nothing about that girl's home life.

I think you need to make a referral to social services ASAP. Multiple random sexual partners, drugs, travelling to different cities. Sounds like she could have been groomed to deal.

Don't ban the poor kid from your house. It'll only drive the friendship underground anyway

@LoudestCat14

WorraLiberty She's told OP to stop the relationship when she should be urging her to report the girl's behaviour as a safe guarding issue. Teachers have had training on this kind of thing post-Rotherham and I'm amazed any teacher would respond by simply saying cut the girl off.

Fair point but to be honest, it goes without saying that the OP should report this to the school and the police.

I'm struggling to believe any adult would need this pointing out to them.

Poor girl. There are clearly some serious parenting fails happening here and I'd be inclined to welcome her round whenever she wanted (no bringing drink/drugs in the house though). At least then, she'd be safe.

Nobody seems to give a shit about her, not even the school, let alone her parents. I wonder if she associates you and DD with the kindness she's clearly not being given at home?

Regarding the contraception requests, I'd have got her some immediately. Many teens have sex, underage or not. That's a fact of life. The last thing, the very last thing this girl needs is a pregnancy. No, I couldn't let that happen to her.

I understand but she quite happily tells everyone in school about it and seems really happy to have the male attention.

And you really can't see the problem with that? That isn't consent, it is abusing her insecurities and grooming.

Why is dd friends with her, if she bullied her two years ago badly enough that she was scared to go to school? Are they friends or is dd in awe/scared of or infatuated with this girl? Does she actually want to be friends with her?

Buying this girl condoms and the morning after pill isn't your problem, but you should certainly report what's going on to someone.

Id be asking your dd some pretty serious questions on how she ended up going to the drug dealer with this girl. I wouldn't be surprised if your dd is dabbling in stuff she shouldn't be too as she sounds incredibly naive and suggestible.

What do her parents say when you speak to them? I can't imagine they'd do nothing at all if they knew what's happening. It really rang alarm bells for me regarding drugs (financed by pocket money...), serial partners. Is it possible she's having sex for drugs? I suspect underneath the bravado there's a vulnerable young person

Horrendous things sometimes happen behind the front doors of "decent" people

it goes without saying that the OP should report this to the school and the police.

I'm struggling to believe any adult would need this pointing out to them.

I wonder if it's bacause the OP knows the parents - as it does seem so obvious professionals need to step in here.

My fiist thoughts were she'd been attacked and she's struggling with the trauma or she been groomed and has got involved in county line gangs or then latterly there some home issue but in any case the girl needs support.

At same time OP needs to focus on her child and that she has confidence to assert boundaries and that she guards against her child been sucked into anything (especially if it's country line gangs and OPs duaghter has already shown willing to follow her friends into situations).

To be fair some teens are just bloody badly behaved and it’s not due to their parents. My friends dd is abit like this she’s at her wits end. She’s handling it really well trying to keep communication open love bombing etc. Her dd is being a right pain but it’s not her parents fault.

You clearly have a duty, as any adult does, to act to ensure this child is safeguarded, by reporting to appropriate professionals, school safe guarding lead,and Children's Services. The more people who do that means it gets harder and harder for those organisations not to act. However, please do not feel shamed into personally supporting this girl. Your own daughter is your top priority, and she sounds vulnerable and easily led, for eg 40 mile trip which I'm sure she knew was inappropriate. She has been a victim of this bully before, I would do what I could to prevent her being harmed again. I would not want my child meeting this girls associates. These children think and seem like they are making their own choices but actually they are not. Your daughter may be honest with you at present, but she is not recognising the risks involved in this relationship. Her screaming etc highlights her lack of maturity and vulnerability. People are kind and well meaning but they are not in your exact position. It's not their daughter and their home.

This girl is not your or your daughters problem. Report to the school and then ban all contact. Why would your daughter be friends with a girl who bullied her. Sounds like this child is taking advantage.

I disagree that a 14-year-old can't be a bad person. Bad people don't suddenly become bad when they reach the age of legal adulthood. It's completely possible for someone to be a "bad person" by age fourteen, though it's open for debate as to what has made them "bad".

More to the point, a 14-year-old can be a bad influence, even if she's not a bad person. My concern would be that by forbidding her to come into your home, you may make her more sympathetic to your daughter, as well as stoking the fire of rebellion. YANBU to want her out of your daughter's life and out of your home, but refusing her entry into your home may only make the problem worse.