DD's friend not welcome - AIBU

[NamechangedGamechanged12]

my DD (14) has a best friend at school (same age). This girl has been suspended for her behaviour (just recently returned) She takes hard drugs at the weekends, she has had numerous sexual partners, she disappears for weekends and tells her parents she is at a friends when she's not. The teachers have even warned my DD about hanging out with her. I am not happy about my DD hanging out with her but there's nothing I can do about it at school. However I have made it clear she is not allowed to hang out with her outwith school and she is not welcome in my home. My DD thinks this is unfair as I should trust her not to do these things. I do trust her but I just don't like this girl as I know what she gets up to. If it were you in my situation would you allow them to hang out outwith school? I'm torn as my DD is upset that she can't but then she retaliates and screams and shouts at me! WWYD?

You should be raising everything with the school and social services. Including the requests for the MAP and condoms.

Why aren’t you trying to safeguard this girl? That would be the best way to keep the friendship intact.

The fact she’s coming to you is because she’s screaming for help / boundaries. Give them to her.

@LittleGwyneth I told her she needed to go to the doctors re the morning after pill. It's not my place to buy her condoms to facilitate her having underage sex. Can you imagine what her parents would think of me if they found out!!

[quote NamechangedGamechanged12]@LittleGwyneth I told her she needed to go to the doctors re the morning after pill. It's not my place to buy her condoms to facilitate her having underage sex. Can you imagine what her parents would think of me if they found out!! [/quote]
So it’s all about you. 👏

@Mummyoflittledragon if I thought an adult purchased condoms for my 14 yo DD I'd be furious. It's not my place. I told her to go to the chemist or the doctors or her own mum!

Do you think she is paying in "kind" for these drugs? She sounds very mixed up and unhappy.Her parents sound as though they are in denial TBH. The thing is shes a 14 year old kid who is in deep shit by the sounds of it .Surely the School should act on any information and maybe contact the police FFS!

How do you know about a child's sexual partners, if you do get the child some help quickly

Screaming and shouting at me would have me telling her that is unacceptable and immature behaviour therefore proving my point.

For goodness sake if your dd knows she's meeting her dealer on the bus tell the police, never mind social services.

@NamechangedGamechanged12

Thank you *@Hoppinggreen* I'm pretty certain I'm not the only adult who knows. One mum did try telling her dad but he didn't believe it. I just want to protect my DD. I honestly dont think DD would but then neither do her friends parents and she does it

You may know this child's parents from way back, but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. If people have already tried to speak to her dad but he refused to believe it, then her home may not be the safe place you think it is.

Also, if this is the same child who bullied your DD a couple of years ago, then I would be very concerned about your DD's friendship with her. She may be desperate to stay in this girl's favour and be friends in the hope that the bullying doesn't start again. When children are desperate to be in that sort of friendship they can be easily led into all sorts of wrong-doing. As you already found out with the unplanned bus trip to a random city.

I think police and social services. CCTV may be on the bus to help identify the drug dealer.

@NamechangedGamechanged12

Thank you *@Hoppinggreen* I'm pretty certain I'm not the only adult who knows. One mum did try telling her dad but he didn't believe it. I just want to protect my DD. I honestly dont think DD would but then neither do her friends parents and she does it

Help if you can but your Dd is the most important thing for you so take what steps you think you need to to protect her

My best friend at school was the same, not drugs but drink and sex. Her home life was dreadful. She's 50 now and always tells me she has her own wonderful family today as my parents showed her what family life should be like.

Be kind. Set the rules and bring her in.

So glad to see the heart warming messages of support for this child on this thread!! From everyone apart from a teacher 🙄
@Loudestcat is right. Shame on you.
As a fellow teacher, one who specialises in working with venerable students I am so glad to see the encouragement for the OP to get involved in getting the girl some help!

'As a fellow teacher, one who specialises in working with venerable students I am so glad to see the encouragement for the OP to get involved in getting the girl some help!'

The op should be talking to school confidentially to raise her concerns about this clearly vulnerable child. I think we all agree on that.

I'd be wondering why this girl behaves that way. I get that you do not want that girl your daughter, but doesn't it make you wonder WHY?

I'd be very concerned tbh.

I wouldn’t ban the friend from our home. Would rather DD at home with her friend than being out and about where you have absolutely no control of what they are doing!
Why would the friend message you to get MAP and condoms ...it just doesn’t add up.

I often hear on the phone to DD telling her to lie to us about where she's going. The last time I allowed her to hang out with her jumped on a bus and ended up 40 miles away. I called her just after 9pm to check she was ok as she was late home, and I ended up having to drive to get them at some random city at 10pm. This is why I don't trust her. The girl has issued for sure but my DDs mental health is torn to shreds and this is the last thing she needs.

I'm suprised any parent would be okay with this.

I'd be talking urgently to the school and SS and possibly the police - any contact between the girls I'd want supervised. In your house where your rules go and with adult supervison or not at all.

Though I'd be bloody pissed at my child if they jumped on a bus and ended up 40 miles away past any reasonable time frame of getting back and sod what ever peer pressue they claimed to be under. They'd be looking to earn my trust back after such a stunt.

What did the school safeguarding team say when you told them you knew that a 14 year old was being abused/groomed and had asked you for help?

@olidora63

I wouldn’t ban the friend from our home. Would rather DD at home with her friend than being out and about where you have absolutely no control of what they are doing! Why would the friend message you to get MAP and condoms ...it just doesn’t add up.

I don't get it either, most odd

@JaniieJones

'As a fellow teacher, one who specialises in working with venerable students I am so glad to see the encouragement for the OP to get involved in getting the girl some help!'

The op should be talking to school confidentially to raise her concerns about this clearly vulnerable child. I think we all agree on that.

It should have happened before now, rather than slagging her off on MN tbf.

Your daughter chose to get on that bus, she didn't have a gun to her head so it's not all the other girls fault.

It's a tricky situation. This was in the 70s and I had a friend in HS my parents didn't approve of and at first refused to let me associate with her and all it did was drive us together and into more mischief. Not as serious as OP's DD's friend, but our 'antics' had a real potential for disaster.

First off, I'd contact the school and have a frank talk with the appropriate person. I'm in the US so I don't know exactly who that is. I'd end it with asking that they keep a close eye on my DD's attendance and contact me if she's not in school. I say this because my friend & I started ditching and no one thought to call my parents.

I would forbid my DD from associating with the girl outside of school. Their past behaviour together is a good enough reason for that.

I would allow the girl in my home when a responsible adult is present The caveat would be no closed doors and I would NOT allow overnights (we snuck out). I'd also invite her on occasional family outings.

I would NOT allow my DD to go to the other girl's home. Her parents are either stupid, naive, or don't give a shit.

My parents were naive at first but finally figured things out. They at first refused to allow us to associate, but all it did was make us sneakier. Once they let us hang out at my house & invited her to family outings (she even went to the beach house with us) our need to 'rebel' sort of died away. I think most of her behaviour was 'attention driven' as her parents didn't really give 2 shits what she did until forced to by her behaviour. My parents intention wasn't to 'reform' her just to keep an eye on me, but once she started getting 'positive' attention she no longer needed the negative attention. She ended up closer to my parents than to her own.

Of course, the OP's DD's friend may not be 'reachable' and it's certainly not the OP's job. Her job is to protect her DD. If her friend changes as a part of it, so much the better.

This poor child. Something terrible must be going on for a 14 year old to feel so shit about themselves that they behave like this. It isn't what happy kids who feel safe, loved and full of confidence do.

@Geamhradh I didn't say she was being groomed or abused. She is having consensual underage sex. I'm not here to slag her off at all, I came here because I don't know what to do about the situation. Part of me doesn't want to get involved but it's pretty clear from the responses that's not the right answer and I should be contacting the school. Thanks all for the input, it's made things a lot clearer.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted you're absolutely correct. What she didn't know was that the girl had arranged to meet her dealer.