DD's friend not welcome - AIBU

[NamechangedGamechanged12]

my DD (14) has a best friend at school (same age). This girl has been suspended for her behaviour (just recently returned) She takes hard drugs at the weekends, she has had numerous sexual partners, she disappears for weekends and tells her parents she is at a friends when she's not. The teachers have even warned my DD about hanging out with her. I am not happy about my DD hanging out with her but there's nothing I can do about it at school. However I have made it clear she is not allowed to hang out with her outwith school and she is not welcome in my home. My DD thinks this is unfair as I should trust her not to do these things. I do trust her but I just don't like this girl as I know what she gets up to. If it were you in my situation would you allow them to hang out outwith school? I'm torn as my DD is upset that she can't but then she retaliates and screams and shouts at me! WWYD?

That poor girl, her parents should be safeguarding her and so should the school, which obviously they are not now.

I would contact social services. It is totally unacceptable to just blame this on a child's choices (not you). As a formerly sexually active 14 YO and a former teenage drug taker, I would say that no 14 YO girl wants to have sex, she will be wanting attention, love, respect and thinking sex is the price to pay.

You are doing the right thing by preventing your daughter getting into that situation, but are you able to give the other girl some respite from her 'lifestyle' and keep them both safe for short periods?

'DD told me she was with her (following the bus ride) when she met her dealer.'

They're 14 op. Someone needs to step up here. Never mind if you should allow her in your house the bigger question is why tf aren't you speaking to her parents or school about it.

@Scutterbug

My motto was always “kill them with kindness”. Invite her to your home, let them hang out where you can supervise. Banning here from seeing her might push her to do it secretly and in more vulnerable ways.

@Scutterbug has the right solution

No 'normal' child does the things you've described, there's something at home she's self anaesthetising and hiding from, quite possibly abuse. She is a child.

@NamechangedGamechanged12

My DD and I normally have a good relationship and she tells me what the girl gets up to. She facetimes her at weekends and it's clear she is smashed (large pupils etc) Said girl also messaged me a few weeks ago to ask me to buy her the morning after pill and another time asked me to buy condoms for her (it's was a no both times). DD told me she was with her (following the bus ride) when she met her dealer.

Have you raised this with school, social services, the girl's parents? This is a child who sounds in desperate need of help.

FFS what's with all the drip-feeding OP?

If your daughter has mental health issues and this girl has bullied her in the past for two years, don't you think those little details should've been in your opening post? 🙄

'I also realise DD is a young adult and I shouldn't be choosing her friends but I'm so torn'

She's 14. You ideally shouldn't choose friends but at this age you absolutely stop them seeing people who take them to their 'dealer' .

School Safeguarding lead, ring them for goodness sake.

@cansu

No I wouldn't. I'm a teacher and I have lost count of the times I have seen children change and become troubled and in trouble after hanging around with the wrong people. I would not invite her round or facilitate the relationship at all.

You're a teacher? Then shame on you for this comment. Where's your safe guarding concern for a 14-year-old girl who is abusing drugs and having under age sex?

I actually know the parents pretty well, we went to school together. They are good people.

And yet they haven't noticed that their DD is taking "hard drugs", sleeping around and generally in trouble at school?

You really should have spoken to the school about this - the child needs safeguarding

You're a teacher? Then shame on you for this comment. Where's your safe guarding concern for a 14-year-old girl who is abusing drugs and having under age sex?

Huh? @cansu said she wouldn't invite the girl round or facilitate a relationship between her and her child.

That has literally zero to do with her job as a teacher and whether she would follow the correct safeguarding procedures, as I'm sure she would

@NamechangedGamechanged12

I also realise DD is a young adult and I shouldn't be choosing her friends but I'm so torn. This is the same girl who bullied her so much only 2 years ago to the point my DD was scared to go to school.

I'd consider moving house if feasible to get her away from influences like the one you've described, frankly. She sounds desperate to please and could easily follow her into some very serious. trouble.

@MadMadMadamMim I'm not lying! Maybe she sees me as the grown up she can confide in. She has literally told me herself that she takes drugs etc. I don't judge her but I tell her to be careful. She trusts my DD and knows my DD tells me most things, so she already knows that I am aware of her lifestyle and clearly she doesn't have another adult she can ask. I believe one of her other friends mums told her Dad what she gets up to but according to DD friend he didn't believe it. According to my DD the school are aware as other kids in class have told teachers. She doesn't hide her lifestyle, she posts about it all over Snapchat.

Raise your concerns with school but you are under no obligation to do any more.
This child is not your responsibility
If you want to help then great but don’t feel guilted into it by other posters

You should still speak to the school, or Social Services. She's got a drug dealer FFS

WorraLiberty She's told OP to stop the relationship when she should be urging her to report the girl's behaviour as a safe guarding issue. Teachers have had training on this kind of thing post-Rotherham and I'm amazed any teacher would respond by simply saying cut the girl off.

Bloody hell! 14 and taking hard drugs and is very sexually active.
What is going on at home is my first question.
Report to school and to social services. Something is very amiss here.
Where does she get the money? Why aren't her Parents keeping a closer tab?
Lots of red flags

I honestly don't want to get involved, but I do feel for the girl. She desperately wants attention IMO. Can I contact the school anonymously? As I said I know her parents too but I honestly don't think they'd believe me and also if I went to her parents my daughter would never ever forgive me for breaking her trust.

@sugarapplelane she saves her pocket money and school lunch money

I don't judge her but I tell her to be careful.

You tell her to be careful?? What about telling her parents? If she's posting it "all over Snapchat" then how can they not believe it?

NamechangedGamechanged12 Yes, contact the school and ask them to treat it in the strictest confidence so that not even your daughter finds out. But please do it soon, the friend's behaviour sounds like a cry for help.

An adult needs to get involved, this is all being left to kids to deal with. It's your daughter telling you, the kids telling teachers but nobody is doing anything

Thank you @Hoppinggreen I'm pretty certain I'm not the only adult who knows. One mum did try telling her dad but he didn't believe it. I just want to protect my DD. I honestly dont think DD would but then neither do her friends parents and she does it

@NamechangedGamechanged12 You have a duty to report what you know to social services. This child has made a disclosure to you, you know her parents are doing nothing and you are really focusing on the wrong thing!

It is pure misogyny to write this off as lifestyle choices. It is entirely the same attitude that drove pregnant girls into laundries and resulted in mass unmarked graves. - That may sound overly dramatic, but scenarios like this demonstrate just how little has changed.

@NamechangedGamechanged12

My DD and I normally have a good relationship and she tells me what the girl gets up to. She facetimes her at weekends and it's clear she is smashed (large pupils etc) Said girl also messaged me a few weeks ago to ask me to buy her the morning after pill and another time asked me to buy condoms for her (it's was a no both times). DD told me she was with her (following the bus ride) when she met her dealer.

You refused to help a child get access to preventative measures so that she wouldn't get pregnant? Did you think that was a good idea?

I'm shocked at the vilification of a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD KID inc by a pp claiming to be a TEACHER! Shame on you

@WorraLiberty it speaks to the posters attitude towards ABUSED CHILDREN

This kid clearly needs HELP.

I'm not saying it needs to be op and her dd that provides that help but I would be expecting the school and authorities to be doing a damn sight more!

Op you say you know the parents but they are barely acquaintances from a long time ago, you've no idea what's going on in that home for her to act this way.

Seems clear to me she is/has been groomed/abused in a number of ways and is desperately in need of SOMEONE to recognise she is still a kid and deserves intervention and support

Have we learned NOTHING from Rochdale etc?

It's unlikely you can prevent totally your dd from being friends with this girl anyway so yes I understand the need to protect dd but yes I would have the child come to your home but with strict conditions you discuss with them both. NO bad behaviour, NO drugs on the premises etc

Or is that just local gossip and rumours?

Yea I'm wondering this too - just as the Rochdale victims were demonised!

Said girl also messaged me a few weeks ago to ask me to buy her the morning after pill and another time asked me to buy condoms for her (it's was a no both times)

Did you even consider signposting her to appropriate services?

Btw people thought MY parents were "good people" "salt of the earth" "pillar of the community" I was being abused!

I didn't behave as this girl did I went the other way and was little miss goody two shoes - to avoid drawing attention to myself. My sister was the one "went off the rails" and while I'm nc with her now, her behaviour then was NOT her fault and people should have realised and intervened.

Sickens me this attitude prevails

The child needs help (assuming this is all true and not just gossip!)