How often do you see your PIL?

[pilprobs]

Would it bother you if your in laws wanted to visit most weekends?

Pre kids we hardly saw them, since we've had children we can't get rid!

It bothers me but DH response is 'I can't say no, can I'

Yes you bloody can! We get two days a week as a family, I don't want his parents here all of the time!

For context we don't see my parents as much, they live in another country. So maybe I'm being a bitch because I'm a bit jealous... but even if we could, I wouldn't want to spend every weekend together!

YABU - let them come
YANBU - you need to push back

Totally agree @piglet81, if DP had a close relationship with his parents and actually wanted to spend time with them l would obviously be more than happy to go along with that and see them more often than we do.

It seems to me that the issue is not frequency of visits, but how those play out. If my parents or PIL lived nearby, there's no doubt we'd see them often. At least weekly. But the difference is that neither my parents nor PIL would expect to be "entertained" nor would they expect us to drop other plans to accomodate them.

Years ago, before DH and I even met, I moved to my hometown for a while. Honestly, it was the best I'd ever gotten on with my mother because I saw them at least twice a week, but it was so manageable and didn't involve any pressure. I didn't have to entertain them for hours/days on end but rather I'd pop into for supper or mum and I would meet to do a little shopping on the weekend. We'd go together for Sunday lunch at a family friend or they'd come round to mine for tea before going to a show. It was lovely.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba

we live close to PILs and we'd always seen them often. we'd invite them or vica versa, they'd babysit kids at either their house or ours. we even lived with them during building works (2 m at one time, then 9m another). they help with school run and MIL is a former French teacher so have always tutored them. sometimes we'd pop round unannounced to each others on a "need" basis but the default system was to discuss plans.

but there was a time just started popping round on Sunday afternoons after evensong and stay for hours, which was fine at first but then it became a habit, she always came and it interrupted our afternoon & evening.

so eventually I asked her to stop just turning up because it was getting on my nerves stopping us from from usual dinner& bedtime routine and cut into relaxation time with kids and DH&I spending time to chat, plan stuff.
and sometimes we had friends over so just didn't want her to be there and take over conversations.
I told her I just need to be able to say no if it's inconvenient that day so all she needs to do is call.

I know she got a bit hurt, but got over it. we'd still have her over on many Sundays but it was on our terms and we could say "ok but only until x time because we need to sort diner etc).

Honesty is definitely the best policy with these issues

Maybe she felt the same way about it cutting into her freetime when she was giving you the free tutoring and childcare. Honestly some ppl!!

FIL tends to pop around fairly often, but only stays for a few hours, is good company and eats anything we dish up without complaint. His partner died a few years ago so I'm glad we have a good relationship and live quite close by. We also twnd to (happily) invite him along to suitable family outings. He'd never assume he's invited either. That said I wouldn't want to be expected to host PIL i didn't have a good relationship with on a weekly basis, encroaching on my weekend.

@Ozanj

actually no.
the unwanted Sunday visits were on top of already seeing them happily several times a week.
and it's her who always pushed to tutor the kids and offered to have kids over even when we didn't need her to help out.

in fact when DS1 was little and I happened to mention to her about the playgroup days I managed to secure she was trying to talk me out of sending him there, because she felt we shouldn't spend money when she can do it for free.
I really had to stick to my guns and explain that I'm not rejecting her kind offer or love, but I just wanted DS1 to be with his peers & socialise!

Reading so many tales of woe here I know people would kill for such dedicated, loving, helpful grandparents and we know how lucky we are.
And PILs are very much loved and cared for by all of us and they know we are grateful for everything they do.

the Sunday thing was about boundaries and a blip on the radar. it's not like PIls didn't set boundaries when it was needed. it's a a two-way street and honest communication have always solved any issues.

so your "some people" remark is totally uncalled for, clearly you decided to ignore all the positive things I'm saying.
but as you don't actually know all of the circumstances I forgive you.
have a nice day

I last saw the woman who gave birth to my husband last August. I refuse to call her mil as she has never really been a mother to him or a grandparent to our children. Hope not to see her again soon.

@Holly60

Well, then I will see them once a year. Frankly, I don't think I will even live in the same country as them when I'm old, as I have no plans staying in this country once my children are old enough to be on their own so once a month is completely unrealistic anyway. I certainly won't be getting on a plane more than a couple of times a year at most.

I know I won't be complained about because I will never demand anything from them. I want to spend my weekends with them now because they are 2 and not yet born and I while I do love them more than I can describe, I also know that when they are big enough to move out, I can't wait to move away and live in the country I've always wanted to live in (which I have a massive connection to by the way, so before anyone says it, I will be allowed to move there).

I'm my own person and have no expectations of my children or anyone else for the future, other than myself and once I'm in my 50s and they are grown, mummy's off to live the life she has always wanted and that's that 😂

Very rarely. I don’t have a MIL but we don’t see father in law unless we visit him. I can only handle my own parents once a week and that’s after school one night not at the weekends.

Some of these comments are fair enough. I'd hate if any of my sons partners didn't want us to visit.

Going to try and enjoy it more/stop looking at it as encroaching. At the same time, will still look to meet once a month..ish.

They're great with the DC but they expect to be fed/ don't help themselves to drinks etc. DH does a lot but we have 3 young children to run after. For those who mentioned continuing with housework when they come over, I just feel this would come across as rude.

Appreciate all the comments

For those who mentioned continuing with housework when they come over, I just feel this would come across as rude.

I understand this instinct, but fundamentally this is the problem. If they want to be part of the family, then that has to include you doing normal family things like chores, and cleaning and, frankly, just sitting around. If they want to be guests, they need to wait to be invited and come over only occasionally.

In their defence, you haven't ever tried to just treat them like part of the family, so it's not clear if they expect to be entertained etc or whether that's all in your head.

@pilprobs

Some of these comments are fair enough. I'd hate if any of my sons partners didn't want us to visit.

Going to try and enjoy it more/stop looking at it as encroaching. At the same time, will still look to meet once a month..ish.

They're great with the DC but they expect to be fed/ don't help themselves to drinks etc. DH does a lot but we have 3 young children to run after. For those who mentioned continuing with housework when they come over, I just feel this would come across as rude.

Appreciate all the comments

Have you tried telling them just to help themselves?

Some people are a bit awkward when they visit us as we’re very much a “help yourself” house.

It took BIL and SIL a while to get used to it, but after a few times of saying “Right, tea and coffee are there, juice in the fridge, help yourself...” and then “Nothing has moved in the kitchen so help yourself” got them into the way of it.

SIL did comment once that she would feel weird asking guests to make their own tea, but I just smiled and said that I don’t expect guests to do it either, but family who are close enough to come in without knocking aren’t guests imo. They’re just part of the family who happen to not live here.

@pilprobs

how long are they over for?
2-3 hours? washing up a few dishes/cups or shoving in a load into washing machine is fine.

4-6 hours? clean the table after food, clean up the floor, take the bins out as well. totally normal

any longer than that do whatever that doesn't interrupt basic conversations so go into another to iron some things or tidy up kids' bedrooms for 30 mins or clean the bath & toilet quickly.
we do this sort of thing all the time.

The women who role model seeing their DP much more often than their In laws, are in for a rude awakening when their kids copy this set up with their partners. I have seen it so, so often where people (men and women) think it’s only normal to see the GC on the mother’s / birth mother’s side regularly and so emulate that when they have kids.

Why is the sole responsibility of the woman? Why do men have no responsibility in facilitating the relationship between themselves, their children and their parents/wider family? It all comes back to 'wife-work' and all expectation of facilitating family relationships falling upon the woman.

It's quite clear from so many threads on here that a big reason this becomes an issue is that PiL make no effort to get to know their son's partner then babies come along and they (PiLs) expect to be fully involved and entitled to make demands upon time.!Perhaps if the effort is made to establish a relationship and mutual levels of respect before grandchildren are involved, it would be a lot easier for everyone.

They're great with the DC but they expect to be fed/ don't help themselves to drinks etc. DH does a lot but we have 3 young children to run after. For those who mentioned continuing with housework when they come over, I just feel this would come across as rude.

The thing is that by not doing your usual routines you are elevating them to guest status and feeling bound to look after them. They are family. Do what you want to do, keep it bright and breezy and don't get drawn into anything else.

I used to say things like 'why don't you show grandma your new [whatever] while I go and hand the washing out' or 'MIL will you make a cuppa whilst I (do something else). We used to save minor jobs around the house for FIL to do because it made him feel useful and stopped him looking for things to do.

Bright, cheerful and assertive is the way to save your sanity. Or just cut them off 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wonder if my situation is less common inasmuch that I don't live in the same country as my mum but within 5mins driving distance to PILs.

we've seen them on 4 consecutive days just in the half term.
they've seen at least one of us every day last week in various combos & various amounts of times.
it's all pretty much like it used to be pre-Covid.

on the other hand my mum last visited in April 2019, had to cancel her Christmas plans to come over that year but was gonna come in April '20 but obv couldn't. so we haven't seen her in over 2 years and no idea when we will.

if my mum lived here we'd see her more and PILs less and it even if it wasn't 50-50 balanced there's no assumption I'd see my mum more!

Ex in-laws would come to our house every Friday and we went there for dinner every Sunday. When I finally said I wasn't going any longer they stopped speaking to me and never visited our house again. Ex DH and his selfishness over putting them before me was a huge contributing factor to our split.
We saw my family twice a year and he thought that was perfectly fair. He is now very much part of his new girlfriends family. Twat.

I see my parents probably once every 4-6 months. That’s plenty for me. We see in laws more because my husband likes them Probably once every 2 months. Every weekend is a no from me. I want to spend time with immediate family, not extended family and the things we want to do aren’t suitable for elderly in laws.

Pre-covid, we saw my PILs for a weekend once every 2-3 months (they live nearly 2 hours drive away). That was fine for me!

My in-laws don't live near me but when they did it was every weekend without fail (even before we had ds).
I hated it, they would just turn up unannounced on my weekends and just invite rhemo

Sorry posted too early

They would just invite themselves to whatever we were doing. I was younger then and was too polite to say anything and dp was useless used to love seeing them constantly.
We moved away but they are now moving here so strict boundaries will be in place beforehand as as nice as they can be it was just too much.

Never. One of the many reasons I'm very glad not to be married.

Back when I lived five miles from my in-laws, I live in the US now, we saw them every week. I really enjoyed that.
We call them every week since we left England in 2004.

When I was a child, I saw my grandparents every week without fail so I don't think it's odd at all to spend time with IL.

@iloveyou3000 I was thinking exactly this too, I used to really encourage DP seeing his parents more when we first met because I thought it was sad how little they saw of each other, I even used to organise things directly with his mum, then I realised the reason they don't see much of each other is because they don't have any real interest in him and he finds them awkward to be around. Most of the time DP 'can't be bothered ' arranging seeing them and im damned if I'm going to take on organising his parents visits as well as my own, especially for two people who have never made any effort to form a relationship with me. I would love to have inlaws like some people on here describe and feel like part of a family but for a lot of people it just doesn't work like that and not for want of trying.

My in-laws(well mother in law to be honest), would expect both Saturday and Sunday and two days in the week too. But that's too much for me and I told DP that we'll see his parents as much as we see mine, so if we see his 4 times a week we'll see mine 4 times a week. His mum just doesn't listen, she feeds the kids so much rubbish and ignores everything I and Dp say, she also talks incessantly about herself and any time anyone tries to mention anything about themselves can't even summon up some fake interest, she point blank ignores it. It's very tiring being there and it's even more tiring her coming her because even though when we go there we make the tea, coffees and food when she comes here she still expects the same.

@pilprobs

Some of these comments are fair enough. I'd hate if any of my sons partners didn't want us to visit.

Going to try and enjoy it more/stop looking at it as encroaching. At the same time, will still look to meet once a month..ish.

They're great with the DC but they expect to be fed/ don't help themselves to drinks etc. DH does a lot but we have 3 young children to run after. For those who mentioned continuing with housework when they come over, I just feel this would come across as rude.

Appreciate all the comments

Just treat them like family, not guests! I’m a MIL and I would hate it if my DIL and SIL didn’t just expect me to get on with it when I’m at their respective houses