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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often do you see your PIL?

129 replies

pilprobs · 13/06/2021 20:56

Would it bother you if your in laws wanted to visit most weekends?

Pre kids we hardly saw them, since we've had children we can't get rid!

It bothers me but DH response is 'I can't say no, can I'

Yes you bloody can! We get two days a week as a family, I don't want his parents here all of the time!

For context we don't see my parents as much, they live in another country. So maybe I'm being a bitch because I'm a bit jealous... but even if we could, I wouldn't want to spend every weekend together!

YABU - let them come
YANBU - you need to push back

OP posts:
speakout · 14/06/2021 06:29

I don't have any. Ohs parents are both dead. He does have an ex step mother ( who divorced his father before he died) - she is lovely, we see her around twice a year.

Holly60 · 14/06/2021 06:39

@SaltySkulls you say you would be happy seeing your DC once a month but the point is that you are not going to get to decide. It will be entirely up to your DC and their partner how often they want to see you, and it is entirely possible that your DCs partner might be on a forum like this in 20 years complaining about you being so demanding as to want to see them once a month, and crowing over the fact that they’ve managed to cut it down to once a year, because you are such a nuisance, for, you know, existing. You say you want to spend quality time with your DC. Why are you expecting your feelings for your DC to change to the extent that in 20 years you will be happy to only see them once a month or so? Do you envisage loving or caring about them less by then?

I never get on these threads when people who have their own DC can be so cold about their DPs parents. I get not wanting to see them all the time but it’s the attitude. How are you going to feel when your DC get married and their DPs think about you in the same way? Surely it would be so hurtful that you could realise you’ve just become an inconvenience and that your DCs partner is whispering in their ear about how to cut contact with you?

Pogostemon · 14/06/2021 07:02

In non-covid times it’s usually 2-3 times a year (and the same with my parents).

Is plenty.

FriedasCarLoad · 14/06/2021 07:14

My in laws live quite a distance away, can't currently travel to us, and don't have room for us so stay.

So we zoom three times a week, and try to go up for a weekend every couple of months, Covid allowing. It's hard work travelling with toddler and a baby, but I think it's really important to honour one's parents - and by extension, in-laws.

I think we may end up moving to where they live at some point, to care for them when they need it.

DaphneduM · 14/06/2021 07:25

My lovely daughter bends over backwards to keep the peace with her husbands parents - two sets of them as they're divorced. I don't think they realise how lucky they are, son-in-law's father is very autocratic and demanding, his mum is lovely and has a great relationship with our grandchild. We used to live about ninety minutes away, but at our daughter's request moved nearer to them a couple of years ago. It has worked out really well for all of us. The in-laws love big performance events - we are exactly the opposite and like life pretty low key. We see them briefly a couple of days a week for pickups and drop-offs as we provide childcare. They also drop in for coffee when they're passing to the various activities they do near us and I also see my daughter to help her if she needs it, and we go to garden centres, shopping etc. together. We have a lovely relationship with our son-in-law, he says we're always very chilled and make no demands. We're lucky, I know. I never take it for granted.

SallyCinnabon · 14/06/2021 07:29

@dontbesocold

Once a month is reasonable!! Wow 

Personally I think it's totally normal to see your parents at least once a week (minimum), whether it's mid-week or weekends. You only get two days a week as a family? What are his parents? Aliens?

You probably are jealous about your parents too and a bit cold. And of course they'd want to see OP more often after kids, that's not insulting at all, it's common sense. Who doesn't want to be around their grandchildren? As opposed to their boring grown up children, and children in-law, who on the face of it are selfish and self-absorbed. Harsh? Perhaps. This is such typical 'western' behaviour. Treat your parents like strangers, and then when they're old and feeble chuck them in an old people's home for strangers to look after them.

Good on your partner to not say anything to them, at least he's got some level of respect for his parents. And when you one day become a grandparent OP, and want to see your grandkids but some person is pushing your child to tell you to come 'once a month' you'll know exactly how it feels Smile.

Western behaviour, lol! Lump a whole half the globe in. I guess when you mean Western you’re excluding Australia, even though culturally they’re like us, but anyway…

As opposed to “non-Western behaviour”(using your terminology) where the in laws possibly live with/are over-involved in their children’s/ daughter/son-in-law’s life, are controlling etc? That’s not better PP.

Blueballinthegarden · 14/06/2021 07:32

Daily! But we live at the bottom of the garden (saving for a house.) It’s fine, we all get along well although I am absolutely dreaming of my own space, facilities etc. I see my own parents much less due to location and obviously with Covid lockdowns etc it’s been next to impossible which has been rubbish.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 14/06/2021 07:33

Mine are too far away Grin They did used to insist on a weekly two hour Skype call when I had a newborn and a 1 year old. In the end I said they're DH's parents, he had to do it alone as it was too much. Funny enough, it stopped soon after ...

AuntieMarys · 14/06/2021 07:36

Twice a year when alive.

ichundich · 14/06/2021 07:36

I wish I saw mine more. Since March 2020 we have seen them 3 times even though they live less than an hour away. One of them was shielding, but they had both vaccines and are happy to go to the pub etc., which makes it extra hurtful. The kids have almost stopped asking about them.

AzkabanPrison · 14/06/2021 07:50

In laws we see about twice a year due to distance and them not been able to travel but my parents we (me and DS) see daily pretty much. Me DP and DS see them weekly all together.

Ozanj · 14/06/2021 07:53

In most countries where you live locally to GP the expectation is to see GP at least once a week (often much, much more). I’m sure if your DP lived closer you would do that too.

Member984815 · 14/06/2021 07:59

We see mil every weekend , just one day a couple of hours . My parents I pop in when I want could be a few days a week or could be a gap of a few weeks . When they visit I would crack on with the cleaning and getting things done .

Ozanj · 14/06/2021 08:02

The women who role model seeing their DP much more often than their In laws, are in for a rude awakening when their kids copy this set up with their partners. I have seen it so, so often where people (men and women) think it’s only normal to see the GC on the mother’s / birth mother’s side regularly and so emulate that when they have kids.

drpet49 · 14/06/2021 08:06

Once a month

BarbarianMum · 14/06/2021 08:08

I love my parents and my in laws hut once a week would be too much for me. If dh wanted to see his parents once a week I'd expect visits to be a blend of him visiting them (with and without kids), us all spending time together, and him hosting them st pur house whilst I got on with stuff/went out and about etc

TravelDreamLife · 14/06/2021 08:11

If my PIL had their way it'd be one weekend meal (meaning all day) and multiple drop ins during the week. Unfortunately for them, they're toxic people who've abused me abysmally so I avoid them. They live 5 mins away.

DH usually takes the kids down when I have coffee with a friend. Unfortunately SIL has decided to visit monthly even though we said we can't do so often time wise (she just does it anyway & we're expected to organise & comply).

We see my parents every fortnight. They ar mindful to only stay about 2 hours & don't expect anything except a cup of tea.

So we have very little time to ourselves. I'm over it tbh.

Holly60 · 14/06/2021 08:12

@Ozanj

The women who role model seeing their DP much more often than their In laws, are in for a rude awakening when their kids copy this set up with their partners. I have seen it so, so often where people (men and women) think it’s only normal to see the GC on the mother’s / birth mother’s side regularly and so emulate that when they have kids.
I agree! This is why I was so careful to be fair when my DC were young. Has paid off in spades - see just as much of DS and his lovely wife as we do our DD. Very pleased too
Longdistance · 14/06/2021 08:12

Fil we see weekly, he comes for Sunday dinner.
Mil just foists herself on us, especially if we are away, she’ll come to our house as fil has a key and stays here and uses it as a hotel Angry long story. I rather she didn’t come as she thinks she’s being helpful, she’s not.
I see my dm quite a bit and my db who lives with her as he’s her carer. My dm has vascular dementia, so I take dds round and quite often she has episodes and I have to go calm her down.

InpatientGardener · 14/06/2021 08:14

Pre baby we saw in laws on special occasions only, so about 4 times a year, despite living a 20 minute drive away. Now we have a baby they seem to have decided once every 2-3 weeks for half a day is the expectation. DP seems to find it impossible to say no to them for fear of disappointing them. They also ask to see us with a days notice despite being retired so they have all week to plan their schedule. Then DP gets the hump with me because I refuse to accommodate them at short notice, sometimes purely on principle.

Summerhaven · 14/06/2021 08:16

I can’t believe the responses on this thread.

It’s really not the end of the world if they just see the In laws once a fortnight for God’s sake.

YANBU OP, I couldn’t cope seeing my in laws (or my own parents for that matter) every single weekend. Like you say, it dominates your weekend then, especially if they live far away as it’s not like they or you can just pop over for an hour.

I would sit them down personally and kindly say that you love seeing them, abs want your DC to have a close relationship with them, but weekends are the only bit of family time you get, so from now on, want to see them every fortnight instead. (Or every 3 weeks/ month whichever you prefer)

If your DH wants to see them more frequently then he’ll have to go to them.

Having people drop into your home every weekend when you haven’t asked them over is intrusive and claustrophobic IMO.

Holly60 · 14/06/2021 08:18

Also - for everyone saying ‘oh DP just finds it impossible to say no’ etc. Has it occurred to you that your DP might actually like spending time with his parents, but is aware that if he tells you that it is likely to cause more angst than if he just pretends he is indifferent. Men love their parents just as much as women do. If you enjoy your parents company, find it comforting and reassuring, like seeing the relationship between your DC and your parents, is it so hard to imagine that your partner feels the same about his mum and dad? And even if you don’t like your parents so much, it doesn’t mean your DP doesn’t like his….

BiddyPop · 14/06/2021 08:21

DMIL lives 2.5-3 hours away (depends how bad it is leaving our city mostly). DPs live 20 minutes away from her.

So we used to see the, once a fortnight, then once a month, then about every 2 months. When dd arrived, it was similar, but as her activities got busier, we had drifted back to about 5/6 times a year, for the weekend, more often in summer than over winter.

Last year, we saw her at new year, a weekend in July, and DH drove down twice (in sept and dec) just for the day. (As my DPs were at their holiday house, we had seen them at NY, St Patrick's weekend, we had included them in the July visit "home", and I wasn't able to see them after that until 3 weeks ago when I drove down for lunch). This year, DH and dd visited for 2 nights last week, but I had to stay here for work.

DPs will occasionally stay here for a night or weekend (maybe 2-3 times per year in a normal year), but DMIL has not visited since DFIL died 5 years ago (they used to come up for the weekend a couple of times a year also).

Holly60 · 14/06/2021 08:21

@InpatientGardener

Pre baby we saw in laws on special occasions only, so about 4 times a year, despite living a 20 minute drive away. Now we have a baby they seem to have decided once every 2-3 weeks for half a day is the expectation. DP seems to find it impossible to say no to them for fear of disappointing them. They also ask to see us with a days notice despite being retired so they have all week to plan their schedule. Then DP gets the hump with me because I refuse to accommodate them at short notice, sometimes purely on principle.
As I’ve said above - maybe your DP enjoys spending time with his parents, rather than it being about not disappointing them? He might not tell you this outright. But actions speak louder than words and if he is facilitating seeing them, it’s because he wants to.
gobackanddoitproperly · 14/06/2021 08:22

When we lived close by may be once a month or so? (it was a 40 minute drive away)