Page 4 | How often do you see your PIL?

pilprobs · 2021-06-13T19:56:28+00:00

Would it bother you if your in laws wanted to visit most weekends? Pre kids we hardly saw them, since we've had children we can't get rid! It bothers me but DH response is 'I can't say no, can I' Yes you bloody can! We get two days a week as a family, I don't want his parents here all of the time! For context we don't see my parents as much, they live in another country. So maybe I'm being a bitch because I'm a bit jealous... but even if we could, I wouldn't want to spend every weekend together! YABU - let them come YANBU - you need to push back

InpatientGardener · 14/06/2021 08:24

Well my DP doesn't like seeing his parents, they don't make any effort with him, he tells them his news and things he's excited about and he gets an 'mm' or 'ok' back. I think its really sad and perhaps if they had made more effort with him, supported him, showed an interest in him as a person, he would want to spend more time with them in general and with his child. A lot of the time you reap what you sow, you can't expect a strong relationship to magically appear once grandchildren come along.

DelurkingAJ · 14/06/2021 08:36

We see both DM and DPIL about once every 6 weeks. It’s becoming more difficult as the DCs get older because they have more commitments (and just want to see their friends). Luckily all of the grandparents are easy going and understand this. Both are a couple of hours drive away…I’d love it if it were half an hour and we could go for lunch!

DH takes the DC to see both his DP and my DM in the holidays (he’s a teacher so off with the DC throughout whereas I’m at work) and I sometimes have to shove him to go see his parents (they are super nice to me but more critical of his parenting).

nokidshere · 14/06/2021 08:47

Pre children we saw PIL about every 6 weeks because of distance but we had weekends away together and spoke regularly on the phone.

When my boys were small MIL moved into the house next door at my instigation. It was so much easier being able to pop next door instead of a 200 mile round trip that took up the whole weekend. So we saw her every day for the last 13yrs of her life (she was 96 when she died)

She was such a lovely lady and my sons loved having her next door, they built up a brilliant relationship with her. As an only child with no other relatives DH felt much less pressure knowing we were close by.

It does rather sound from reading these threads that we are teaching boys it's a bad thing to be close to their parents and that having a wife brings competition and angst. DH being close to his parents had no detrimental affect on our lives at all and I wouldn't have dreamed of demanding he stopped seeing them.

ZenNudist · 14/06/2021 08:55

We live similar distance from family. Pre covid saw them every month maybe. Every week is too much. Suggest you get on with your day and do washing etc. Definitely push back. Dh needs to say no. You deserve some family time and why should you be the one cleaning and tidying whilst dh entertains.

sunnypeaches · 14/06/2021 09:01

PIL live in Aus so we havent seen them since xmas 2019. Usually we see them 3x a year.
1 Family trip there, 1x they come see us and 1x i travel there with the children without DS. All trips are around 2-4 weeks at a time.
We used to see them at least once every week before we moved back here.
And we see my family several times a week, they live quite close.

sunnypeaches · 14/06/2021 09:02

Without DH i meant, not without DS.

startrek90 · 14/06/2021 09:21

I see my PiL every Sunday for the whole day. We may also pop in and see each other during the week but that's not a guarantee. We are very close and my kids adore them. They have welcomed me into their family and really do treat me like a daughter. Unfortunately I haven't seen my mum in person for at least 3 years as we are abroad. She works a lot to so it's very difficult trying to talk to her on the phone. I try and message as often as I can but unfortunately my kids don't really know her and my youngest has never met her :(

Helendee · 14/06/2021 09:23

Some of you on here with sons are probably going to be in Gransnet at some point in the future declaring that you hardly ever see your son and his children because your dil thinks it’s ok to fit you in for half an hour once a month if you’re lucky.
What a sad way to live.

LuckyWookie · 14/06/2021 09:26

Depends if you like them. I have’t seen my MIL for a year, thank the lord. My previous MIL was lovely and I would pop in of my own accord for a week night cuppa.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/06/2021 09:30

we live close to PILs and we'd always seen them often. we'd invite them or vica versa, they'd babysit kids at either their house or ours.
we even lived with them during building works (2 m at one time, then 9m another). they help with school run and MIL is a former French teacher so have always tutored them.
sometimes we'd pop round unannounced to each others on a "need" basis but the default system was to discuss plans.

but there was a time just started popping round on Sunday afternoons after evensong and stay for hours, which was fine at first but then it became a habit, she always came and it interrupted our afternoon & evening.

so eventually I asked her to stop just turning up because it was getting on my nerves stopping us from from usual dinner& bedtime routine and cut into relaxation time with kids and DH&I spending time to chat, plan stuff.
and sometimes we had friends over so just didn't want her to be there and take over conversations.
I told her I just need to be able to say no if it's inconvenient that day so all she needs to do is call.

I know she got a bit hurt, but got over it. we'd still have her over on many Sundays but it was on our terms and we could say "ok but only until x time because we need to sort diner etc).

Honesty is definitely the best policy with these issues

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/06/2021 09:31

^^ excuse the lack of paragraphs

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 14/06/2021 10:06

And no fucking way in hell will I EVER be okay with my kids even thinking of looking after me in my old age. I will make sure they know I want to be in a home and for them to live their lives to the fullest always. I am not that much of an arsehole that I would ever allow them to destroy their lives for me. They didn't ask to be born and they owe me nothing but trying their best to live a happy life.

This, with bells on!

I will never be a burden to my child. Why anyone would ever want to be is a thing I can't compute.

Holly60 · 14/06/2021 10:12

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

And no fucking way in hell will I EVER be okay with my kids even thinking of looking after me in my old age. I will make sure they know I want to be in a home and for them to live their lives to the fullest always. I am not that much of an arsehole that I would ever allow them to destroy their lives for me. They didn't ask to be born and they owe me nothing but trying their best to live a happy life.

This, with bells on!

I will never be a burden to my child. Why anyone would ever want to be is a thing I can't compute.

But I think you are conflating two separate issues. One is the relationship between parent adult DC when all are relatively fit and healthy and it’s about enjoying spending time together and the DGC. The other is adult DC looking after their ageing frail parents in a carers role. I have a wonderful relationship with my adult DC and would be devastated if they chose not to spend time with me because their partners didn’t want to. On the other hand I would HATE for any of my DC to have to physically care for me when I get old and frail. I would however hope they will pop in to see me or give me a call etc

Flambola · 14/06/2021 10:15

Gosh, I see my in-laws 2 or 3 times a week. My husband the same.

We all get on. Family time to me includes them.

Bells3032 · 14/06/2021 10:20

We don't have kids but usually see my in laws (and my family) at least once a week. I like it that way. we are both very close to our families

Ragwort · 14/06/2021 10:24

Those of you who say you 'don't want to be a burden on your children in your old age' you have no idea how you will feel/act when the time comes .... I explicitly remember my grandmother and mother saying exactly the same thing, even down to 'smother me with a pillow' when the time comes .... and guess what happened ? I care for my elderly DPs out of love, not duty.

SJK34 · 14/06/2021 10:25

Once every few months. I used to make more of an effort but found it too upsetting.

AutumnLeafDance · 14/06/2021 10:26

What is it about them that makes you not enjoy having them over for a visit? Do they overstay their welcome? Are they unpleasant? Are they had role models for the children?

Ragwort · 14/06/2021 10:27

Flambola - totally agree, that twee little expression 'family time' seems to only want to relate to the immediate nuclear family, how will you all feel when your DC get older and loathe the idea of 'family time'.

piglet81 · 14/06/2021 10:30

@Helendee I don’t think that’s entirely fair. It’s not my fault that my DH doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents - it was their job to establish that in the 30 years before I met him! I hope that when my son grows up we will still be close, and I wouldn’t expect his hypothetical partner to facilitate our relationship...

JustLyra · 14/06/2021 10:34

MIL lives with us so every day. Before that we saw her (and FIL before he died) 3/4 times a week for dinner.

Every other weekend we either did something with various grandparents or, once they were big enough, the kids did something with their GP’s.

But they are all the type of GPs/in laws who don’t expect to be waited on so then visiting never interrupted the usual running of the house. MIL and my girls’ granny used to co-ordinate so that they took DS and the girls out in the same weekend to give us a proper break.

Holly60 · 14/06/2021 10:35

[quote piglet81]@Helendee I don’t think that’s entirely fair. It’s not my fault that my DH doesn’t have a close relationship with his parents - it was their job to establish that in the 30 years before I met him! I hope that when my son grows up we will still be close, and I wouldn’t expect his hypothetical partner to facilitate our relationship...[/quote]
I think you make good points. Unfortunately some posters on here seem to be actively blocking their DPs relationship as opposed to just not facilitating it. It seems very sad to me

Cocolapew · 14/06/2021 10:38

Never because they're hateful bastards.
They separated when the Dds were younger, MIL would come on a Saturday and Fil on a Sunday. I went out. If DH didn't want to be bothered with them he told them not to come.
I never had MIL in the house if DH wasn't there.
The DDs, now young adults, have no contact with them. This has nothing to do with anything apart from the PILs own behaviour. We did try to facilitate a relationship between them, MIL was only interested in DH.
My own parents have 2 other GC that live a flight away. They have a lovely relationship with these GC and my DDs, we live round the corner, because they are nicer people. It's not how often you see someone but the way they act when you do see them.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 14/06/2021 10:39

@Ragwort

Those of you who say you 'don't want to be a burden on your children in your old age' you have no idea how you will feel/act when the time comes .... I explicitly remember my grandmother and mother saying exactly the same thing, even down to 'smother me with a pillow' when the time comes .... and guess what happened ? I care for my elderly DPs out of love, not duty.

@Ragwort

absolutely! I'm pretty sure they will see us because they want to not because they have to.

and as to helping because they have to, well, tough cookies. that's already happening because I don't care if they don't feel like taking the bins out or emptying the dishwasher, they just have to do it!
nobody wants to spend their weekend moving furniture around so if they voice that I won't be hurt.
it's nothing to do with love. they can love me and still hate doing chores, that's no skin off my nose.
they can come sucking their teeth, out of obligation, whinging and I won't care as long as they are doing it!🤣

and I'm pretty sure I will feel the same about running around like a headless chicken helping out with childcare when I'd rather be doing my own thing. I will adore my grandkids and will love spending time with them. but I hate school runs now so don't see that changing just because it's grandkids....

roarfeckingroarr · 14/06/2021 10:45

I take the baby to see my family once or twice during the week while I'm on mat leave; DH joins us for a weekend visit about once a month. His dad lives abroad so we see him for a week once or twice a week.