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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often do you see your PIL?

129 replies

pilprobs · 13/06/2021 20:56

Would it bother you if your in laws wanted to visit most weekends?

Pre kids we hardly saw them, since we've had children we can't get rid!

It bothers me but DH response is 'I can't say no, can I'

Yes you bloody can! We get two days a week as a family, I don't want his parents here all of the time!

For context we don't see my parents as much, they live in another country. So maybe I'm being a bitch because I'm a bit jealous... but even if we could, I wouldn't want to spend every weekend together!

YABU - let them come
YANBU - you need to push back

OP posts:
ICanSmellSummerComing · 13/06/2021 22:07

Well you don't want to see them and it sounds like he doesn't want too either but he can't say no??

Absolutely way too much, start to pull away be more busy.. Unavailable days out, it's not his dp fault for wanting to see you, they don't know you don't want to see them they think you do.

Gently pull away until it's at an acceptable level to you.

Original poster
pilprobs · 13/06/2021 22:09

They would love to take dc but they're too little.
We get on well, don't dislike them in any way. I just want to have some family time without them.
Sometimes I do go out when they come over/DH takes them to theirs on his own. I wouldn't mind that once a month.
They don't live close by, 2 hour round trip

OP posts:
Tilly18101 · 13/06/2021 22:28

I’m pregnant with my first, and it’s the first GC on my side but will be 3rd for IL’s. We tend to see my parents more than IL’s maybe once every 2-3 months (pre Covid) and I am dreading the requests to visits by both sets of GP’s once the babe is here.

We see my parents once a month maybe twice, and that’s enough but already my mum is making plans for us to visit?! I’m starting to set boundaries now so it’s not expected once babe is here, that I certainly will not be driving up the country for visits on previous weekends! They’d be welcome to us, if arranged and I won’t be having overnight visitors unless it’s my sister (she’s be travelling 5+ hours)

No way could I do once a week, weekend time is precious now without a baby, and my DH certainly will want time with his first child when he’s working FT in the week!

YANBU - can you start to set clear weekends when they can visit? Like, so the second weekend every month for example? No overnights, arrival time/leave by time etc? I know it sounds regimented but I’ve found when people have come to see us for a day visit they need guidance on when to leave otherwise it’s 10pm, they don’t realised they’ve overstayed and your stressed to the eyeballs as thoughts they’d be gone by 6!

MildredPuppy · 13/06/2021 22:33

Saw them weekly when the children were little and now monthly.
Husband calls them every 5 days or so for a chat.

RaginaFalangi · 13/06/2021 22:33

Yanbu that would drive me insane but luckily my pil luve 300 miles away and only see them once or twice a year but if they lived near they would be like yours and I'd be telling them to do one, I see my dad once or twice a month at a push with the kids, he knows we're busy.

Helendee · 13/06/2021 22:39

I think it’s really sad how the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is considered such low priority by so many!

Merryoldgoat · 13/06/2021 22:42

I see mine 2-3 times a week. They do some childcare which is very kind and we see them a bit socially too.

It helps that’s they’re lovely.

Rosewood017 · 13/06/2021 22:48

I am having this trouble with my PIL. They know we only get Thursdays and Sundays as a family right now. DH's parents are divorced so MIL came over one Thurs and has decided that's her weekly slot now.

FIL tries to see us Sundays. It's so frustrating as even when we say we have plans, they want to know when we'll be back etc.

My own parents are amazing support and provide childcare. They are careful to not encroach on our family time. They come over and know to help themselves to drinks & snacks, play with the kids while I do chores. Whereas PIL need entertaining, special teas, and proper sit down talking time. FIL in particular is very critical and controlling so I am tense when a visit is looming.

RolloTomassi · 13/06/2021 22:55

I'd hate that. Doesn't matter how lovely they are, it is beyond unfair to dominate your weekends when you're at work and juggling young kids all week.

If it's about seeing the children can't they help you out at the same time and have them for you? Even if they just stay at your house while you and DH have a few hours out - loads better than playing host to everyone every weekend!

BackforGood · 13/06/2021 22:58

it's the whole day gone and I feel like I can't get things done like washing and cleaning.

This ^ is the issue.

Why not ?
If I had people spending several hours at my house every week, then life would be carrying on as normal and they would be joining in, or not seeing us. I wouldn't be sitting there "entertaining".

I know quite a few Grandparents where the Grandparents spend time with their grandchildren's families and they are very welcome because they just muck in, and help out with some DIY / gardening / playing with the dc whilst parents crack on with some jobs they need to do....or, as the dc get older, take them to their activities sometimes, etc etc.

DH's parents don't get invited round that often as they expect us to spend a few hours just sitting and chatting with them.
When I visit my adult dc, I much in and do things with them.

ncforthispost1 · 13/06/2021 22:58

See my mum 3x a week as she very kindly provides childcare and lives 15 miles away. Then end up seeing her one day a weekend for a few hours anyway as it's so lovely to live closer to each other.

Mil lives in another country and is coming to stay for a week next week - dreading it as find her quite full on and I'm the type who needs my own space to survive. Going to be a shock after not having anyone stay even for a night for about 18 months now Shock

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 13/06/2021 23:02

Not often as MIL doesn't live near us but I speak to her at least 4x a week, dh and her have a rocky relationship but I have a completely separate one with her and she's been very, very kind while I was having a dreadful time recently.

3LittleDucksQuack · 13/06/2021 23:06

Weekly once or twice
They're lovely they take the dcs out once a week. We pop there when our and about for a cuppa or dinner.
I could ask them anything at the drip of a hat they'd help. Not that I do.
They live 10 min drive away

579qkghs · 13/06/2021 23:28

DH insists on taking DC to my parents three times a week. Drives me mad - but he feels like he owes it to them. No idea why as they are my parents. But it does cause friction between us especially when it comes to weekends - I want to make plans that dont involve having to pop over to their but DH gets annoyed. So I just let him get on with it. I see them maybe once every couple of weeks for a very short time.

AnonAnom940 · 13/06/2021 23:32

We see mine once a week now we have a baby. Before I'd see them once a month and he'd see them weekly/fortnightly but just for dinner not for a while morning or a day.

I hate it. But, I'm really close with my Mum and see her several times a week so I feel mean to not see PIL once a week. But no way am I not being there when my baby is.

Getawriggleon · 13/06/2021 23:38

Pretty much every weekend for a couple of hours - either we see them as a family or DH just takes the kids if I've got stuff to do. I usually take the kids round for a few hours once a fortnight or so depending on what we're up to. I like them and the kids adore them so it's no hardship for me to sit having a cup of tea with them. If they come to us I just get on with my housework -they can mind the kids while I stick a wash on! I usually see my DP once or twice a week too.

Feedingthebirds1 · 14/06/2021 00:34

t's the whole day gone and I feel like I can't get things done like washing and cleaning.

This ^ is the issue.

Why not ?
If I had people spending several hours at my house every week, then life would be carrying on as normal and they would be joining in, or not seeing us. I wouldn't be sitting there "entertaining".

But it's not just about a choice of entertaining them or getting on with your life. It changes the whole dynamic of the family and of the weekends

SaltySkulls · 14/06/2021 00:45

@Lagomtransplant

I don't really get this. I see my PILS once a week at a minimum, and we often pop around even more. They were our support bubble during covid. I find them very nice, helpful considerate, and I hope the feeling is mutual, especially as my family is abroad. If anything, that made me appreciate them even more.
I would not want to see anyone other than my husband and child every week and certainly not over the weekend. Husband and I both work long hours and the weekend with our child is what we live for. Other people, be it in laws or friends, would disturb that. Hard pass. Once a month is enough.
VienneseWhirligig · 14/06/2021 00:52

DH's parents both died within a year of our wedding, so I never had to deal with that. I do come from a small, very close knit family though so DH saw my parents, grandmother and sibling a lot. At least once a week. We bought a house within a two mile radius of my family, but he was very fond of them and enjoyed spending time with them luckily so we never argued about it. He would go fishing with my dad and they had season tickets to the football together, he saw my sister as the daughter he never had and spoilt her rotten. I have to be honest, I am not sure I would have wanted to spend as much time with his family as he did with mine...

dontbesocold · 14/06/2021 01:01

Once a month is reasonable!! Wow 

Personally I think it's totally normal to see your parents at least once a week (minimum), whether it's mid-week or weekends. You only get two days a week as a family? What are his parents? Aliens?

You probably are jealous about your parents too and a bit cold. And of course they'd want to see OP more often after kids, that's not insulting at all, it's common sense. Who doesn't want to be around their grandchildren? As opposed to their boring grown up children, and children in-law, who on the face of it are selfish and self-absorbed. Harsh? Perhaps. This is such typical 'western' behaviour. Treat your parents like strangers, and then when they're old and feeble chuck them in an old people's home for strangers to look after them.

Good on your partner to not say anything to them, at least he's got some level of respect for his parents. And when you one day become a grandparent OP, and want to see your grandkids but some person is pushing your child to tell you to come 'once a month' you'll know exactly how it feels Smile.

dontbesocold · 14/06/2021 01:03

Agreed @Helendee.

SaltySkulls · 14/06/2021 01:11

@dontbesocold

Once a month is reasonable!! Wow 

Personally I think it's totally normal to see your parents at least once a week (minimum), whether it's mid-week or weekends. You only get two days a week as a family? What are his parents? Aliens?

You probably are jealous about your parents too and a bit cold. And of course they'd want to see OP more often after kids, that's not insulting at all, it's common sense. Who doesn't want to be around their grandchildren? As opposed to their boring grown up children, and children in-law, who on the face of it are selfish and self-absorbed. Harsh? Perhaps. This is such typical 'western' behaviour. Treat your parents like strangers, and then when they're old and feeble chuck them in an old people's home for strangers to look after them.

Good on your partner to not say anything to them, at least he's got some level of respect for his parents. And when you one day become a grandparent OP, and want to see your grandkids but some person is pushing your child to tell you to come 'once a month' you'll know exactly how it feels Smile.

Well I for one will be absolutely fine with seeing my children and grandchildren once a month when that time comes.

And no fucking way in hell will I EVER be okay with my kids even thinking of looking after me in my old age. I will make sure they know I want to be in a home and for them to live their lives to the fullest always. I am not that much of an arsehole that I would ever allow them to destroy their lives for me. They didn't ask to be born and they owe me nothing but trying their best to live a happy life.

user848272 · 14/06/2021 01:20

YANBU.

In most cases, if parents are good parents their children and therefore grandchildren will want to spend time with them. If they don't, then I think that's a reflection of the relationship between the parents and child, ie. it's clearly not that good.

DH doesn't give a stuff about seeing his parents. They ask to meet up when it suits them but don't bother the rest of the time, don't keep in touch regularly etc so I've given up being the dutiful DIL. It's their loss - our child will have bigger all to do with them because they are so stuck in their ways and old fashioned.

user1498572889 · 14/06/2021 05:34

I see my kids and grandkids lots at least one of them every day. They were all at mine yesterday. Sometimes it’s me who needs a break from them 😂

Biscoffin · 14/06/2021 05:48

Blimey.

I see my own Mum once a fortnight. She works, I work. She loves her GC but she also realises we’re busy and she works weekends, so it’s not easy to catch up. We do talk almost daily though - even if it’s just a text.

In-Laws want to be visited at least weekly, but we just don’t have the time. We see them fortnightly. One of them in particular has really made this quite difficult and our visits are now uneasy and not enjoyable, which makes us want to visit even less.