How did you change since having a child? (If you have)

[Ifboriswasnoris]

I was thinking recently how I’m tougher/harder since having my Dd, 3. I used to be more self conscious, now I can easily talk to anyone. I look worse, and definitely used to be more confident about my appearance, but it’s almost like some confidence came from somewhere and I don’t care what anyone thinks anymore, anyone else feel like this?
I also worry less about everyone else, I used to worry to the point of upset about my parents etc, now I don’t that much.,which makes me feel awful. It’s like I literally don’t have space for anything to worry about, unless it involves Dd.
I’m softer deep deep down, but mainly just in regards to her.
Motherhood is weird!
How did/has it changed you, if at all?
And why am I so tough now 🤷🏻‍♀️

Realised my career wasn't that important, family is way more important to me now

Stopped thinking having a animal was like having a child and the love for my pet was the same as people feel for kids - yeah I know but that's what I thought my dogs were like my kids . Ridiculous

Though that after a week at work or a few nights bad slept that's what exhaustion is. No that's just a tiny bit tired, nothing compares to the exhaustion of a baby who doesn't sleep. I realised that pretty quickly

That my hobbies (horses and motorcycles) weren't what made my life complete, having kids made me realise my life was lacking lots.

@carrottopper

I'm a ball of anxiety. I love them to pieces but I'm a nervous wreck

This in abundance

My attitude to work.
I worked for a charity doing something I believed in 100%. Did loads of overtime etc because it mattered to me. Went PT after Dd was born. I still believed totally in what the charity was doing but was far less interested in my own career progression within it, didn’t do the overtime any more, etc. I was happy for other people to get involved in projects whereas before I’d always have wanted to do it.
When DH got a new job, I gave up my job to move which I wouldn’t have done as readily before.
Now I work in a school as a TA. I love it, I work hard, I do overtime but I don’t do it for me, if that makes sense. I have no desire to be more than a TA. I don’t want career progression or to train to be a teacher or anything like that, where before I was quite ambitious. I do the overtime to get the stuff done that I want done for my own children, the stuff there often isn’t time to do in the school day. I find that I am almost as fiercely protective of the children in my class as I am of my own and that is what drives me now, not my own career.
I don’t know if any of that makes sense but it’s hard to explain such a strange, woolly shift in my viewpoint!

Stopped thinking having a animal was like having a child and the love for my pet was the same as people feel for kids - yeah I know blush but that's what I thought my dogs were like my kids . Ridiculous

I don’t think that’s ridiculous at all! As someone who has had pets and a child I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all. The love may be different for a person who’s experienced both but there are many similarities. Both involve having full responsibility for another living being who relies on you for everything, you love them fiercely and unconditionally, make life plans around them (work hours, holiday plans etc.) and have to factor them into nearly everything you decide to do. I don’t think my neighbour loves her cat and less than I love my son. The love can be overpowering whether you love your dog or your child.

I really don’t like this hierarchical ‘haha as if you can love your dog like you love your kid’. Lots of people love them just the same.

For everyone saying they’re an anxious wreck since having kids, that’s not something you have to just accept. You can develop anxiety disorders at any point in life, even if you didn’t end up with postnatal anxiety. Excessive worrying and physical anxiety symptoms are a problem if they’re distressing to you and there’s a lot you can do about it, from medication to talk therapy to self help. Happy to give some further info if anyone wants it. I’ve heard parents say stuff like ‘once you get pregnant you start worrying and just never ever stop’ and I just can’t relate, it sounds absolutely horrible. It doesn’t have to be that way, and I think there’s a really toxic narrative where anxiety disorders are dressed up as a normal inevitable part of being a parent.

I feel guilty 99% of the time. I feel guilty if I let him watch too much cartoons one day so I can get the housework done, I feel guilty if he stays with my parents so I can have a night off, I feel guilty for shouting “no, don’t touch” all day, I feel guilty for counting down to bedtime. I love my son more than words can describe so I feel guilty that I’m failing him every minute of the day 🤦🏼‍♀️

Made me appreciate my own mum more and massively shifted priorities, my own interests and hobbies have taken a back seat.

I was a svelte size 8, now I'm a 12 with a big wobbly tummy and I don't even care shrug

Am definitely more self assured, more definitive, where before I would fade into the background and hope things worked out! I love that I'm like that now but am wrecked a lot because of balancing work and kids and I hate that because of tiredness it means I'm not as nice as I was, I'm a lot crankier with less of a tolerance if things aren't going right. I look at my childfree friends and they're definitely more easygoing and relaxed and I miss that. I also never thought I'd be naggy mum, le sigh, or that I'd be so emotional (this could be age or tiredness though!)

Also obviously body fecked, not just down there but knees back and shoulders (was always told not to carry them so much but no regrets!) and can't afford anything but the crappiest skincare clothes are 10 years plus etc. All in all though, happy and would die kill etc for the kids

I also went back to work at 12 weeks but it didn't stop me being a mum and therefore susceptible to the things already mentioned in this thread.

For me, I am more anxious generally and far more emotional. I cry at the drop of the hat watching/listening to anything about poorly children. I am far more aware of the quality of my relationships and interactions, knowing that I am now a small person's blueprint for being an adult human.

In all other aspects I am largely unchanged (attitude to work, appearance, energy levels etc.).

I take a lot less shit from people. I just don't have the patience anymore. I've also stopped doing things I don't want to do just to please other people because I now realise how precious my free time is.

There have been negative changes too of course - I don't feel as pretty. I'm still te same weight and have the same hairstyle etc, I just look drained. My memory is a lot worse too and I find it really hard to relax and get in the mood for sex because my head is so full of shit.

I’m less invested in other people. I can tolerate more bullshit at work , cos deep down I don’t care . I’d walk across broken glass for DD, so I pretty much shrug my shoulders at the kind of people who used to really wind me up. I’ve let go of a lot of pettiness- my house is a kip and although having a dirty/ untidy house irritates me I’m not losing my shit the way I used to. I don’t know if I’ve chilled out or just given up . I’m knackered.

I feel a little more battle hardened and don't care what others think as much as i did pre dc. I also am not scared for saying no and will please myself and my dc. I am alot more comfortable in my own skin than i used to be. I am happy if my dc are happy and as you said op i don't have room gor everybody elses baggage (esp parents who put on to me a great deal pre dc) i don't allow it now.

for*

I find ir harder i relax because im always thinking about the dc. I do aopreciate free time so much more when i get it as it isnt often

it to

I feel 100 years older and look like shit. Otherwise the same.

@ChangePart1

Stopped thinking having a animal was like having a child and the love for my pet was the same as people feel for kids - yeah I know blush but that's what I thought my dogs were like my kids . Ridiculous

I don’t think that’s ridiculous at all! As someone who has had pets and a child I don’t think it’s ridiculous at all. The love may be different for a person who’s experienced both but there are many similarities. Both involve having full responsibility for another living being who relies on you for everything, you love them fiercely and unconditionally, make life plans around them (work hours, holiday plans etc.) and have to factor them into nearly everything you decide to do. I don’t think my neighbour loves her cat and less than I love my son. The love can be overpowering whether you love your dog or your child.

I really don’t like this hierarchical ‘haha as if you can love your dog like you love your kid’. Lots of people love them just the same.

But it's not about love per se, it's about the experience of caring for a human- ie you're largely responsible for their brain development as well as their physical and emotional development. They also answer back! As a mam of 2 teens (3 DC in total) I can assure anyone that I'd take care of 6 dogs rather than a teen in full hormonal mode! There is absolutely no comparison.

How old is your DC now? Even working full time, do you really think that you're exactly the same as before DC? Presumably you're actively parenting the rest of the hours and your days ofd

19,16 and 14. Married and had my first at 22 and my last at 27. Grade 8, ICU, London

I didn’t get 5 A levels, undertake 4 hard years of clinical training, ward and unit placements, assessments, exams and being shouted at, just to sit at home clearing up baby poo and throwing the vacuum round.

And yes, the same as I have always been. Tall fit, clear headed and decisive in a crisis and not given to depression or anxiety. And the same weight I’ve always been.

The only thing that has had an effect is 12 months in a Covid Red Zone : 60 hour weeks, no holiday , picking young nurses off the lockeroom floor shaking and crying, performing last offices on two of my friends and colleagues, listening to relatives screaming down the phone, telling a 36 year old mother fighting for breath that she isn't going to die ( she made it but only just ). Exhausted, dehydrated, soaked in sweat. Look on the cover of " Hold Still"

Having kids was an absolute piece of piss in comparison.

@Pyewackect

How old is your DC now? Even working full time, do you really think that you're exactly the same as before DC? Presumably you're actively parenting the rest of the hours and your days ofd

19,16 and 14. Married and had my first at 22 and my last at 27. Grade 8, ICU, London

I didn’t get 5 A levels, undertake 4 hard years of clinical training, ward and unit placements, assessments, exams and being shouted at, just to sit at home clearing up baby poo and throwing the vacuum round.

And yes, the same as I have always been. Tall fit, clear headed and decisive in a crisis and not given to depression or anxiety. And the same weight I’ve always been.

The only thing that has had an effect is 12 months in a Covid Red Zone : 60 hour weeks, no holiday , picking young nurses off the lockeroom floor shaking and crying, performing last offices on two of my friends and colleagues, listening to relatives screaming down the phone, telling a 36 year old mother fighting for breath that she isn't going to die ( she made it but only just ). Exhausted, dehydrated, soaked in sweat. Look on the cover of " Hold Still"

Having kids was an absolute piece of piss in comparison.

Get you 🙄

@ginger1982 we were all thinking it

[quote highlighteryellow]@ginger1982 we were all thinking it [/quote]
🙊

Having kids was an absolute piece of piss in comparison

Which part of having kids are you referring to? You said you got a nanny at 12 weeks and didn't answer about parenting outside of those hours.

It is strange when someone states a big life event hasn't changed them in the slightest, whether it's for better or worse.

It's also a shame that you speak about your kids as though they were burdensome. I appreciate some want to/need to get back to work asap. I really can appreciate that, but the whole "just to sit at home clearing baby poo" comment is a bit off. To me, it's not about that, it's about nurturing the human/s you presumably chose to bring into the world. You just seem to care about your accomplishments and not letting your kids get in your way.

It was @Pyewackect's choice to return to work after 22 weeks and leave her kids in the Cate of someone else. We should accept her choices, surely? We're here to support each other. Whilst it may not have been out choice, doesn't mean it's not a valid one.

Personally, I think if you are working theo g hours of ICU shifts, it may well be "a piece of piss" to parent I. Comparison,as the amount of time spent with kids is likely to be relatively low to that of someone who is working part time or mon-fri 9-5. Kids bring their own challenges, which are quite different to work.

12 weeks*